Wow! This thread amazed me on so many levels:
1) You have to decide who you want to be with, what is important to you in a partner. Obviously.
2) Your partner and you have to be able to manage interactions with your family. My suggestion here is that you have a very clear conversation with them about what you are willing to tolerate. IE "Mom/Dad/family member, I love you and respect your opinion, and if you have genuine concerns based on factual observations, I would appreciate you mentioning them. If I then say that I am aware of the situation and am ok with it, the topic is ended. If it is brought up again, I will hang up the phone/leave the room/etc. I am sorry, but when you insult the individual I am with to me or around me, you are insulting me and my choices." Then follow through. You don't need to be dramatic or angry or anything else, just patient and consistent. The less you react, the easier it is.
3) Do NOT complain about your partner to your family and/or close friends. (not saying you have, just that I see this as a trigger.) It puts family/friends in very awkward situations. It gives people a false impression of your partner. If you need to vent, find a counselor. There are occasional people who can sort good times vs bad times, but it is hard for most people.
4) Obviously, as stated, 'levels' are absurd. My father never graduated high school and worked 2 full time jobs in the diesel mechanic field. In his career he has moved from a floor mechanic to an evaluator to the primary computer person in his company (before IT people were easy to hire) then an instructor for the largest engine manufacture in the country, then a tech writer for the same. He can't get decent pay because he doesn't have a degree. He can do 6 digit long division in his head. He is amazing, but didn't get the opportunities he has helped me get (since I didn't have to drop out of HS to work.) We all know the reality is, as much as we want to believe we are the single cause of our own sucess, that the circumstances of our lives affect the opportunities we have.
5) the idea that a socio-economic, race, or geography is responsible for the idealogy of an individual is just as judgemental as the individual who is being judged. My husband grew up on the east end of long island, in bridge hamptom. That was BEFORE it became known as 'the hamptons' back when it wasn't easily accessible (no major highway) and the primary crop was potatos, not tourists.
6) the idea that gender determines what one wants is just as bad as the above. The 'new' trophy wife (yes, technically, I am a trophy wife, in the terms of my husband is a high powered executive) according to several sociological studies is a full time employee often in the non-profit, health care, or social services sectors of society. The brag is not 'beautiful arm candy' but 'beautiful sucessful professional.' Surveys have shown that power players are prefering htat over stay-at-home traditional wife. Why? because the ability to select an intelligent and successful spouse implies that the individual is successful. Secondly, if you are able to afford a trophy wife, you can also afford prepared meal delivery and housekeeping.
7) whoever said there may be a different underlying thought (such as distraction from school) may be very correct...and the person making the statements may not even know thier own internal intentions. Also, because a woman is working full time does not mean a man is 'picking up the slack' What on earth does that imply? A woman has more responsabilities to the home than a husband? Each person needs to contribute 100% to thier home lives to have a successful and happy marriage. In some marriage that may mean dividing outside of home and inside of home activities down the middle, others may end up with one spouse on one end of the spectrum and other other on the other end.
On a personal note, I am going to vet school next year, which obviously isn't a really high paying job. My husband, who is a very successful executive, hopes to retire 5-10 years after I complete vet school and be a stay at home dad. I love it, think it is the best thing for both of us. I have supported his career, and he is supporting mine. We both understand there is a balance. Oh, if anyone is curious, he was an engineer out of school. He makes as much as many doctors. I am a biologist who worked in non-profit.
