"Hook" Idea

[vrazzles]

Hi guys,

Would love some feedback from those more experienced than I about this idea for an application hook.

I was a poor student throughout high school due to not understanding the inherent worth of information and learning. Seeing many of my friends (most of whom came from lowsocioeconomic and educational backgrounds) drop out, get addicted to drugs, etc was a strong motivating force for me to better myself as a student in university and demonstrated to me the value of education in bettering peoples lives. That combined with my reaction to a serendipitous emergency and a inherent interest in human biology, steered me towards medicine: an intellectually stimulating field that I saw then as applied biological research with potentially large teaching components (both patients and students)

I tutored throughout college, both formally (through an organization targeting disadvantaged students) and informally and will have 2 years as a peace corps advanced chemistry teacher in an underserved country by the time of application.

In my future career, I want to indulge my love of learning and teaching in an effort to mitigate health disparities and promote health care equity.

sGPA: 3.95
MCAT: 524
All required ECs above average in both amount and quality except for leadership.

I would love criticisms of this hook. Sorry for the long post 🙂

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[Oso]

I mean this is a compelling narrative and it sounds like you have a very strong application overall.

But what is the hook?

 

[curbsideconsult]

I mean this is a compelling narrative and it sounds like you have a very strong application overall.

But what is the hook?

You stole my question.

 

[deleted480308]

What do you think hook means?

 

[vrazzles]

In my future career, I want to indulge my love of learning and teaching in an effort to mitigate health disparities and promote health care equity.

The above paired with my experience and proficiency as an educator, even when working in highly culturally different, underresourced environments (teaching not in my own language) and my demonstrated commitment to underserved groups (mainly the elderly, and those from low socioeconomic and educational backgrounds)

 

[Oso]

In my future career, I want to indulge my love of learning and teaching in an effort to mitigate health disparities and promote health care equity.

The above paired with my experience and proficiency as an educator, even when working in highly culturally different, underresourced environments (teaching not in my own language) and my demonstrated commitment to underserved groups (mainly the elderly, and those from low socioeconomic and educational backgrounds)

I mean, that's awesome, but what is your specific question?

Turn it into a strong personal statement and you'll have a great application.

 

[vrazzles]

What do you think hook means?

I think "hook" means a shorthand way of selling or branding yourself in a way that makes you a desired matriculant to a well-fitted school.

 

[vrazzles]

I mean, that's awesome, but what is your specific question?

Turn it into a strong personal statement and you'll have a great application.

My specific question is whether this sounds like a compelling story (or is cliche) and whether the information that I have given about myself sufficiently provides proof of intention concerning how I am branding myself (a future educator/physician who desires to work with underserved populations to mitigate health care disparities and inequity)

 

[Oso]

My specific question is whether this sounds like a compelling story (or is cliche) and whether the information that I have given about myself sufficiently provides proof of intention concerning how I am branding myself (a future educator/physician who desires to work with underserved populations to mitigate health care disparities and inequity)

Yes, it is a good story and I think you have the appropriate experiences to support it. Your next step will be to write a strong personal statement. Just remember that you don't need to discuss everything in your story in your PS, so narrow it down to a few key experiences. It's not cliche, but it's also not uncommon for applicants to write about wanting to address health disparities and promote health equity. Just make sure you sound genuine by grounding what you say in your experiences. Lastly, I would avoid the phrase "indulge my love of learning". Good luck.

 

[vrazzles]

Yes, it is a good story and I think you have the appropriate experiences to support it. Your next step will be to write a strong personal statement. Just remember that you don't need to discuss everything in your story in your PS, so narrow it down to a few key experiences. It's not cliche, but it's also not uncommon for applicants to write about wanting to address health disparities and promote health equity. Just make sure you sound genuine by grounding what you say in your experiences. Lastly, I would avoid the phrase "indulge my love of learning". Good luck.

Thanks 🙂 I don't intend to be overly flowery in my PS language.

 

[LizzyM]

In my future career, I want to indulge my love of learning and teaching in an effort to mitigate health disparities and promote health care equity.

The above paired with my experience and proficiency as an educator, even when working in highly culturally different, underresourced environments (teaching not in my own language) and my demonstrated commitment to underserved groups (mainly the elderly, and those from low socioeconomic and educational backgrounds)

😴

A hook is an opening paragraph that "hooks" me and makes me want to read more and to know more about the story. What you have here is pretty much the opposite of a hook.

 

[brachialplexus]

😴

A hook is an opening paragraph that "hooks" me and makes me want to read more and to know more about the story. What you have here is pretty much the opposite of a hook.

Yeah, agreed. Your emotions/thoughts seem trapped in a vacuum. You need to be more real and authentic - it looks like you care more about fitting the mold of a typical med school applicant rather than being true to yourself. Stylistic tips from your writing sample above: be less verbose. Brevity is the soul of wit.

 

[deleted480308]

😴

A hook is an opening paragraph that "hooks" me and makes me want to read more and to know more about the story. What you have here is pretty much the opposite of a hook.

That’s what I was trying to portray with my question but LizzyM does it better

 

[gyngyn]

In my future career, I want to indulge my love of learning and teaching in an effort to mitigate health disparities and promote health care equity.

The above paired with my experience and proficiency as an educator, even when working in highly culturally different, underresourced environments (teaching not in my own language) and my demonstrated commitment to underserved groups (mainly the elderly, and those from low socioeconomic and educational backgrounds)

Would you say this out loud to someone with whom you were speaking?

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

Would you say this out loud to someone with whom you were speaking?

This is why you read any piece of writing out loud.

 

[vrazzles]

I appreciate all the advice. I'll keep at it.