How did your spouse respond?

[Bangs McCoy]

First post, but a question that had been on my mind for awhile. I'd like to hear from those of you with spouses/serious partners. My partner and I met in the healthcare industry and, even though he knew about my interest in practicing medicine, it's wasn't an immediate concern. I have about 2 years until admission. We really support and love one another but as they say, your partner goes to med school too. I'm curious about non-trad students who had a spouse and how the conversation both started and is continuing.

Also, is it hard to find common ground with non-medical partners? Maybe I should ask that in the allo forum? Thanks for any input!

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[operaman]

My wife was a little stunned at first - we were both artists and had been for many years when I decided to switch careers - but has ultimately been extremely supportive and helpful and I can't imagine doing this without her. I think one of the more helpful things once med school started was a meeting for spouses/significant others that the school held for incoming students. They had brought in a number of SOs of current/former students and talked about what was about the happen and what to expect. I think that helped alleviate much of the stress that might have come from not knowing what was "normal" for a med student. Beyond that, it's been a matter of communicating and making time for the relationship. Medicine can and will take whatever you are willing to give it -- you really can spend 100 hours+ a week on it, or you can spend 80. Or 40. You may have to sacrifice a few points on exams to maintain a solid relationship. You'll have to be more proactive about scheduling time together as it may not happen otherwise.

 

[Bangs McCoy]

Thank you for the advice - actually more personal than you know. My undergraduate is in theatre - were you formerly in opera? Assuming from your name? The idea of a support group is very interesting and something I would definitely consider. For scheduling time, do you physically put that on a calendar? It seems like medical school life is so structured that it would make sense.

 

[el_duderino]

I'm not married, but I've been in a committed relationship for over 9 years now.

She had known that being a doctor had been my dream since I was a kid and that I got derailed by going into, and then dropping out of, engineering. She had gone back to school and was just about to enter a Master's program for education, so I was largely supporting her. I've been working as a network administrator since '04. So it was pretty difficult to sit down and tell her that I wanted to quit my job to pursue this. She got incredibly excited that I was taking such a bold step for something important to me, and one of the first things she said was that she fully supported me, promised to do everything she can to help financially, and that we will somehow make this work.

 

[chipgeek]

I met my wife when she was a pre-med and I was attending graduate school. She knew about my pre-med background but my choice to go into engineering. I was largely supportive of her going through med school though I'll say that it had been difficult, as it forced us to live apart for extend periods of time right after marriage. So when I finally made a decision after 9 years of engineering that I wanted to explore a career switch she was surprising but understandably supportive. However, she has dropped hints and warned me that it's not going to be easy given the ridiculous amount of work involved. She's been connecting me with her colleagues so that I can better understand and see their lifestyles and thought processes.

 

[DocVapor]

I would like to echo many of the sentiments here. My wife knew that medical school was my goal when we met, so I didn't have to deal with starting the conversation out of the blue. She was and is extremely supportive, and really pushed me to get into med school and to do my best once I was in. She is not in medicine, but is a professional herself, so she understands some of the commitment, which helps. I imagine any individual committed to performing well in their career, whether professional or not, will have a similar thoughts about it. My wife has taken care of me marvelously, and has helped to keep me in my study hole at times when all I wanted was to sit on the couch with her. Her help with things like chores, meals, vacation planning, has also been invaluable.

But that does not mean it has been all flowers and potpourri. "Crises" happen to everyone at one time or another, and they get magnified for people (like medical students) who don't have as much time to deal with them. Adding the second person just complicates it. If your significant other needs support in the few days before a test, you have to give them some. That could cost you some points, and both of you need to understand that, and be ok with it. There are plenty of days where I have wanted to just shut down at the end of a long day of studying. But for all the support my wife has given me, she has earned more quality time with me than she is getting. So I make it a point that every day she gets time with me. It might seem like it's a huge drain on you at first, but over time, you'll realize that it's just as refreshing to you as it is to your significant other.

In the end, just keep communicating. Don't make big decisions without your significant other. Keep them in the loop about what you are feeling as far as specialty, location, etc. Don't expect them to follow you blindly all over the country. Yes, you will probably have to apply to schools / residencies in locations they don't want to go to. Spend the time to make sure they understand why, and make some compromises about things you don't care as much about. The more truthful information you can give them, the better.

 

[Mad Jack]

My gf dealth with it pretty well, but we're still having a bit of trouble deciding to do it long distance or not. She's one of the only girls I've ever been with where I think a LDR could work, since we're both not needy at all and our personalities just work well together, something that distance and time won't change. Plus I'm close enough that we can see each other every couple weeks, which isn't so bad really.

 

[Zelda840]

My partner has paid my rent, gone through thousands of flash cards that make no sense and aren't interesting to her for days and weeks on end, and is willing to move with me to any location with a school that accepts me. She is seriously the most easygoing person I've ever known. Good balance to my neurotic self.

I'm curious about non-trad students who had a spouse and how the conversation both started and is continuing.

It started by me really hating my job in accounting and her saying "Then quit. What would you rather be doing?" I'd always done whatever paid the most that didn't care that all I had was a GED. I honestly had never really dreamt big. It just didn't seem realistic. Our current talks are mostly about location....wondering where we'll end up and how we'd deal with the cost of living if I get in somewhere like Chicago or Philly (we live in Nebraska and everything is super cheap here).

 

[familyaerospace]

My partner as well as the rest of my family wanted to send me to a psychiatrist.

True story, they also took bets on how long I was going to last in the hospital doing volunteer work. Mom said I was not going to make it through orientation and likely not even the TB test. My partner said I was not going to do the minimum 50 hours asked of me.

I won. I WON!

My partner paid up his bet, I got a new car the next year which is good because I really needed one. My mother did not pay up hers. I am still waiting for her to clean my house. You hear that Mom? My house needs a cleaning.

Seriously though, they all thought I had gone stark raving mad.

 

[ejw5075]

Also, is it hard to find common ground with non-medical partners? Maybe I should ask that in the allo forum? Thanks for any input!

Not at all… I honestly prefer to not "talk shop" as my least favorite attending calls it, when I go home at night. If you're spending 12+ hrs/day doing this, why would you want more of it at home?
My husband can relate enough to listen to my blabbering without poking and prodding about irrelevant details that only a medical student would care about.
That being said, if you go into this field single and are looking for a partner, chances are you'll find someone in medicine (or at least employed by the hospital you spend every waking hour in)…

 

[Leslie_Knope]

Medicine is something I originally wanted and then got derailed. It was always there in the back of my mind and when I was about to turn 27 I realized life is too dang short. So I did some soul searching and decided it's what I wanted to do. Then I told my husband. But I really sort of asked. I figured it was kind of unfair of me to spring this on him, but he was nothing but supportive and even excited. Our plan is for him to be the stay at home parent and I'll be the student then breadwinner. This makes him happy and me happy.

When I was studying for the MCAT he was so encouraging. He never doubted me although I doubted myself. This process is so much more enjoyable with a family.

 

[desdes]

My spouse has been really supportive and picked a base where a school I want to attend is located I think having a great support system has helped me.