How do medical students and physicians prevent personal life from interfering with studies/patient care (ie bad breakup)

[voxveritatisetlucis]

Hi everybody,

I am wondering how medical students and physicians stay focused on their studies/patient care when their personal lives get rough?

I’m talking about things like divorce, family death etc.

Long story short, I have been (was) dating somebody for a couple months and she recently broke it off. Keep in mind I’ve dealt with plenty of breakups before, but this one was (is) particularly painful since she was literally perfect. Same values, funny, smart, attractive etc. Basically, I thought that she might be the one. Keep in mind, I’m 26 so there isn’t much time left to find somebody like that.

Anyway, since that happened, it has been extremely difficult to focus on studies. When I was working in finance, I could have probably just coasted for a week amidst my sadness. However, in med school coasting for a week == failing the block. Of course, I will need to power through it whether I like it or not. I plan on doing this and excelling despite the recent breakup. But I was just wondering if any med students/attendings/physicians had any advice about staying focused during tough times.

Thanks everybody.

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[RespectTheChemistry]

I'm so sorry that happened, @voxveritatisetlucis. *hugs if okay*

I'm not a med student, but when my grandfather died last winter, I would reach my school's campus, park the car, take a deep breath and say to myself, "Ok, within in these walls, there is nothing else." and commit to only focusing on school for those 8+ hours. That's easier said than done of course, but things like mindfulness can really help. I'd then give myself permission to spend time with my grief when I got back in my car at the end of the day.

Also, 26 is more than enough time to find someone else.

Finally, watch out for depression. Break-ups are a common reason people can develop depression. If this is really consuming you and you can't concentrate, seek support. You're worth it! <3

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

I'm so sorry that happened, @voxveritatisetlucis. *hugs if okay*

I'm not a med student, but when my grandfather died last winter, I would reach my school's campus, park the car, take a deep breath and say to myself, "Ok, within in these walls, there is nothing else." and commit to only focusing on school for those 8+ hours. That's easier said than done of course, but things like mindfulness can really help. I'd then give myself permission to spend time with my grief when I got back in my car at the end of the day.

Also, 26 is more than enough time to find someone else.

Finally, watch out for depression. Break-ups are a common reason people can develop depression. If this is really consuming you and you can't concentrate, seek support. You're worth it! <3

Thank you, I really appreciate it. Sorry about your grandfather.

 

[Darrow O'Lykos]

1. Establish a schedule, and stick to it. This will force you to devote time to the things that you need to do to stay balanced.
2. In that schedule, prioritize your physical activity. It will help take your mind off things. The mental benefits of physical activity abound, but it particularly helps when navigating a breakup.
3. Lean on friends and classmates. If you haven't already, foster those relationships more. It's not too late to find people that'll be friends for the rest of your life.

Stay strong.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

1. Establish a schedule, and stick to it. This will force you to devote time to the things that you need to do to stay balanced.
2. In that schedule, prioritize your physical activity. It will help take your mind off things. The mental benefits of physical activity abound, but it particularly helps when navigating a breakup.
3. Lean on friends and classmates. If you haven't already, foster those relationships more. It's not too late to find people that'll be friends for the rest of your life.

Stay strong.

I appreciate your advice and will definitely try to work on these

 

[Goro]

.
1. Stay busy

2. Talk to friends
3. Realize that there are Plenty of other fish in the sea.
I believe the Queen of England said that grief is the price we pay for love

 

[wholeheartedly]

I agree with just setting aside some time where it’s ok to grieve that loss. It’ll be at least a little easier hopefully to focus the rest of the time. and don’t expect yourself to be perfect compartmentalizing. it’s not realistic, so give yourself grace when outside that allotted time to grieve, when you’re doing other stuff, a memory or something just sneaks up on you. just acknowledge it, give it a few minutes to just feel it, take a breath and then reset.

i lost both my dogs in the past year and a half and most of my grieving was outside work hours, but i cried at my desk at work too somedays. actually everyday for the first month i think for my younger dog. it was so unexpected and i’d been so tied up with covid response there was a lot of guilt there too. thankfully i had a private office at work. but i let it come and overtake me, cried it out, then moved on again. it didn’t really hurt my productivity in the long run.

 

[DarkBluMage]

Hi everybody,

I am wondering how medical students and physicians stay focused on their studies/patient care when their personal lives get rough?

I’m talking about things like divorce, family death etc.

Long story short, I have been (was) dating somebody for a couple months and she recently broke it off. Keep in mind I’ve dealt with plenty of breakups before, but this one was (is) particularly painful since she was literally perfect. Same values, funny, smart, attractive etc. Basically, I thought that she might be the one. Keep in mind, I’m 26 so there isn’t much time left to find somebody like that.

Anyway, since that happened, it has been extremely difficult to focus on studies. When I was working in finance, I could have probably just coasted for a week amidst my sadness. However, in med school coasting for a week == failing the block. Of course, I will need to power through it whether I like it or not. I plan on doing this and excelling despite the recent breakup. But I was just wondering if any med students/attendings/physicians had any advice about staying focused during tough times.

Thanks everybody.

Therapy helps a lot. Practicing grounding techniques as well when you feel yourself getting distressed is really important.

 

[LunaOri]

Also, try to avoid all-or-nothing thinking. Clearly she wasn’t perfect, or she wouldn’t have dumped you. At age 26, you still have PLENTY of time to find “the one”. These unrealistic ideas are adding to your suffering!
Maybe try thinking “she was really great—being in that relationship taught me a lot about what I want in a partner, so it will be easier for me to identify who will be a great partner next time”.

 

[srirachamayonnaise]

Hi everybody,

I am wondering how medical students and physicians stay focused on their studies/patient care when their personal lives get rough?

I’m talking about things like divorce, family death etc.

Long story short, I have been (was) dating somebody for a couple months and she recently broke it off. Keep in mind I’ve dealt with plenty of breakups before, but this one was (is) particularly painful since she was literally perfect. Same values, funny, smart, attractive etc. Basically, I thought that she might be the one. Keep in mind, I’m 26 so there isn’t much time left to find somebody like that.

Anyway, since that happened, it has been extremely difficult to focus on studies. When I was working in finance, I could have probably just coasted for a week amidst my sadness. However, in med school coasting for a week == failing the block. Of course, I will need to power through it whether I like it or not. I plan on doing this and excelling despite the recent breakup. But I was just wondering if any med students/attendings/physicians had any advice about staying focused during tough times.

Thanks everybody.

Breakup is hard because you keep obsessing over that person and keep thinking what you can do to reverse it especially if you are the one dumped. Happened to me while I was in b-school. Really rough and I couldn’t focus on job hunting for months. Luckily the school work was a piece of cake. My advice is you just have to power through it and eventually the obsession will go away. But in med school, you have to try really hard to stay on track. Maybe use study as a distraction from your obsession?

 

[PathNeuroIMorFM]

Hi everybody,

I am wondering how medical students and physicians stay focused on their studies/patient care when their personal lives get rough?

I’m talking about things like divorce, family death etc.

Long story short, I have been (was) dating somebody for a couple months and she recently broke it off. Keep in mind I’ve dealt with plenty of breakups before, but this one was (is) particularly painful since she was literally perfect. Same values, funny, smart, attractive etc. Basically, I thought that she might be the one. Keep in mind, I’m 26 so there isn’t much time left to find somebody like that.

Anyway, since that happened, it has been extremely difficult to focus on studies. When I was working in finance, I could have probably just coasted for a week amidst my sadness. However, in med school coasting for a week == failing the block. Of course, I will need to power through it whether I like it or not. I plan on doing this and excelling despite the recent breakup. But I was just wondering if any med students/attendings/physicians had any advice about staying focused during tough times.

Thanks everybody.

I'm on a research year after a few traumatic family events. No regrets, I'm having a great time, although probably a little extreme for your situation.

I would suggest making use of your school's counseling service, talking to your doctor about getting on meds (if you feel that's necessary), and taking at least one day a week to chill and mourn without feeling guilty about it. Just say "today is a day to get my head straight and that's totally fine. I deserve rest.". Emphasis on the "guilt-free" part. This was very important for me to keep my head on straight in the worst moments.

A few of my friends who went through tough break-ups confided in friends/counseling, ended studying a little early each day to mourn, and tried to keep healthy and busy with school and exercise. I think all of them have recovered pretty well with this within 1-3 months, depending on the situation.

I would also keep in mind that 26 still means plenty of time to "find the one". Most people in our generation will probably get married at 34 and beyond. I can count on my hands how many of my classmates have "found the one", while the rest are still single as a pringle. Keep your chin up and good luck.

 

[wysdoc]

Hi everybody,

I am wondering how medical students and physicians stay focused on their studies/patient care when their personal lives get rough?

I’m talking about things like divorce, family death etc.

Long story short, I have been (was) dating somebody for a couple months and she recently broke it off. Keep in mind I’ve dealt with plenty of breakups before, but this one was (is) particularly painful since she was literally perfect. Same values, funny, smart, attractive etc. Basically, I thought that she might be the one. Keep in mind, I’m 26 so there isn’t much time left to find somebody like that.

Anyway, since that happened, it has been extremely difficult to focus on studies. When I was working in finance, I could have probably just coasted for a week amidst my sadness. However, in med school coasting for a week == failing the block. Of course, I will need to power through it whether I like it or not. I plan on doing this and excelling despite the recent breakup. But I was just wondering if any med students/attendings/physicians had any advice about staying focused during tough times.

Thanks everybody.

Sorry you are dealing with this heartbreak, continue exercising and taking care of yourself.

 

[FluffyCat1212]

OP, I am so sorry that you're going through this. For what it's worth, I would like to echo the sentiments that you're still super young and you still have plenty of time. People meet "the one" in their late 20s, 30s, and even 40s all the time. Heck, I know someone in her 70s who is getting married soon to a guy that she only started dating a year ago. While I feel awful that you're going through this, I'm grateful that you're reaching out for help and starting up this conversation. It's so easy to forget that life goes on while we're in med school, and at some point, something bad is probably going to happen to all of us.

Not exactly the same thing, but I do have a somewhat similar experience. During my gap years, I had extensive interactions with research participants on a near-daily basis. In late 2018, my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer and made the decision to end his life via VSED. The whole process from his decision to pursue it to when he ultimately died was roughly 1mo. I was also taking an organic chemistry night class and had recently underwent a breakup, so it was straight-up not a good time.

Things that got me through it that may be helpful to you as well:

• Support from friends. Do not ever be afraid to open up to them about this stuff. Life is hard. Med school is hard. Both are much, much harder if you're doing them in isolation
• I actually found some of the more cognitively-demanding tasks to be a helpful distraction. Maybe that's why I'm a weirdo who actually likes orgo, but whatever...
• Allow yourself time to process what is going on. You're going to have to deal with these emotions sooner or later, and it's better to have some control over when it happens than to just have them hit you in the middle of a patient interaction.
• Believe it or not, instructors and patients understand that you are human. For this reason, if you really feel that this is going to interfere with your ability to do your job in a safe and effective manner for your patients, it might be worth talking to your instructor to see if you can come up with a reasonable path forward.
• Consider talking to your school counselor. Even just a few sessions can allow you a valuable safe space to work through these emotions.

Weirdest update ever, but this just became more relevant. Just found out that my grandmother has metastatic cancer.

Sending you lots of love and light, vox. We will make it through this.

 

[Angus Avagadro]

All good advice above. Sorry you are going through this, the timing is really bad. Med school.requires lots of concentration. Character will play a big part in moving past this. Rejection is always hard. Try to allow yourself time to reflect and process what happened. School is your job right now. Focus on your job, while at school. Set aside time for studying and later processing. Try to keep the two separate. Good luck and best wishes.

 

[Bloobury]

Hi everybody,

I am wondering how medical students and physicians stay focused on their studies/patient care when their personal lives get rough?

I’m talking about things like divorce, family death etc.

Long story short, I have been (was) dating somebody for a couple months and she recently broke it off. Keep in mind I’ve dealt with plenty of breakups before, but this one was (is) particularly painful since she was literally perfect. Same values, funny, smart, attractive etc. Basically, I thought that she might be the one. Keep in mind, I’m 26 so there isn’t much time left to find somebody like that.

Anyway, since that happened, it has been extremely difficult to focus on studies. When I was working in finance, I could have probably just coasted for a week amidst my sadness. However, in med school coasting for a week == failing the block. Of course, I will need to power through it whether I like it or not. I plan on doing this and excelling despite the recent breakup. But I was just wondering if any med students/attendings/physicians had any advice about staying focused during tough times.

Thanks everybody.

Bruh. 26 is YOUNG. Trust me. There is plenty of time to meet other amazing people, and you (and your values and desires) are going to continue to evolve too. I'm sorry for your loss, but I hope you'll come around to the realization that the end of this relationship will free you for other things and people and opportunities. You will very likely be surprised and awed by where life takes you and the people that will come into your life. I know that might not mean much now in the depth your sadness, but it will pass, you will heal, and you will be stronger for it.

Take care, friend.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

Thank you all for the kind words. I’m doing a bit better today and spent most of the day in the library studying and listening to rod wave. I’m hoping to just power through this week and then have thanksgiving week off to reflect and catch up

 

[Candidate2017]

I am wondering how medical students and physicians stay focused on their studies/patient care when their personal lives get rough?

I’m talking about things like divorce, family death etc.

Long story short, I have been (was) dating somebody for a couple months and she recently broke it off.

Getting dumped after 2 months of dating, at 26, is nothing at all like divorce, family death, etc. There needs to be a bit more empathy here.

When you get on rotations, look at the attendings (and even the nurses and janitors). About 20% of them are dealing with divorce (including $100K+ in lawyer fees, child custody and support, alimony, asset division, wage garnishment), caring for aging/dying parents, their own health issues, a couple of malpractice lawsuits, med students complaining about rando stuff since time immemorial, etc. Many times, all at once. And yet they still show up to work, taking care of patients.

 

[Bloobury]

Getting dumped after 2 months of dating, at 26, is nothing at all like divorce, family death, etc. There needs to be a bit more empathy here.

When a little kid drops their ice cream on the ground, it could very well be the worst loss they have ever experienced. What a beautiful thing it is that they haven't experienced greater tragedy in their tender youthful years. Probably not worth telling them how much worse things will get.

No point in comparing your loss to anyone else's, OP. Your feelings are yours alone. You'll become an empty shell of a human like the majority of us soon enough.

PS: School of Life has some good, insightful short videos on relationships (and other things) that may help you process/reframe how you're feeling.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

Getting dumped after 2 months of dating, at 26, is nothing at all like divorce, family death, etc. There needs to be a bit more empathy here.

When you get on rotations, look at the attendings (and even the nurses and janitors). About 20% of them are dealing with divorce (including $100K+ in lawyer fees, child custody and support, alimony, asset division, wage garnishment), caring for aging/dying parents, their own health issues, a couple of malpractice lawsuits, med students complaining about rando stuff since time immemorial, etc. Many times, all at once. And yet they still show up to work, taking care of patients.

I wasn’t trying to minimize those other things but couldn’t think of good other examples of things that would hinder focus.

 

[annoyedpsychiatrist]

If a girl wasn't into you enough to stay committed to you, then she did a favor to you by breaking it off now, rather than leading to escalating discord and a more complicated/messy breakup in the future. She was not perfect, no one is. Eventually you will see that. Plus, infatuation is easy from a distance, once you live together and you're with someone 24/7, if both people arent in it 100% it can really strain a relationship.

 

[Future_Bone_Docta]

 

[Candidate2017]

I wasn’t trying to minimize those other things but couldn’t think of good other examples of things that would hinder focus.

I'm not saying you're minimizing. Just that your focus is a bit distorted.

You're 26, dated for 2 months, got dumped. That's happens. The stuff about knowing she's literally perfect, time's running out and you'll never find anyone perfect like her... huh? Internet sympathy from randos feels nice, but come back to reality. Just a little.

When a little kid drops their ice cream on the ground, it could very well be the worst loss they have ever experienced. What a beautiful thing it is that they haven't experienced greater tragedy in their tender youthful years. Probably not worth telling them how much worse things will get.

Luck kid! You get to teach them the 3 second rule.

 

[DarkHorizon]

I’m sorry, I’m sure you’re hurting right now. Unfortunately, you have to learn how to compartmentalise. You’d probably feel some depersonalization at some point, but I notice that if I don’t compartmentalise, it starts to affect my professional life. I def feel some depersonalization. This is the reality for a lot of us. I don’t have a very good answer for you.

As far as not being able to find anyone, I wouldn’t worry about that. Your stock is about to skyrocket, as long as you follow rules #1 and #2.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

Internet sympathy from randos feels nice, but come back to reality. Just a little.

Sometimes it’s easier to just get things out on an anonymous forum, especially for guys. No guy friends want to hear about this stuff so most of the time just keep it bottled in.

 

[wysdoc]

Sometimes it’s easier to just get things out on an anonymous forum, especially for guys. No guy friends want to hear about this stuff so most of the time just keep it bottled in.

I think it helps to talk about it with someone (even your cyber friends) and feel all the feelings. Tamping it down or telling yourself you don’t care would be worse.

 

[bGMx]

Radical acceptance is the answer; wishing things were different (aka striving for a different past) is the essence of suffering. Things didn't work out; that is the answer for you. There is no alternative answer. We medical students are very good at striving for a better future and sometimes that bleeds into the past; there is nothing you can do about the past besides accept it, learn from it, and use those lessons moving forward. Trying to change the past is a futile attempt at controlling a reality that has already happened and is a game that is easily played. Just my two cents, from a man who has gone through a lot. I wish you well; my two cents.

 

[GotToGetThatGPAUp]

I've had some life-changing stuff happen during pre-clinicals. Each time I just took a week or so to myself. I'd still try and go to mandatory things, but outside that I sorta just let myself process things, watch TV, play video games, etc.

 

[Middle Age DDS]

Coping mechanisms are so different and each individual handles things differently. Today, in the office, we had a licensed professional cancel their patients because of a tragic death in the family a week ago. They worked yesterday couldn't today. Rescheduled etc. Why? In 2022, you just accept it and be supportive. Being a football coach doesn't work anymore.

I just had my mother pass. I was working when I found out and finished then drove to be with my dad. Worked like any other week. Had a few moments I needed some private time, but it seems like staying focused on work was as good as anything for me. This didn't work for my colleague today. I suppose in life we are all going to deal with a lot of pain. How we deal with it is the challenge and there is no right answer. I do think exercise/yoga is a powerful elixir as well. Hang in there.

Oh, getting married before 30 doesn't make too much sense to me btw. Plenty of fish in the sea and more than one "soulmate". You don't know it now, but you probably were fortuitous.

 

[la flame]

Sorry to hear OP. After breakups, the best thing to do is pre-occupy yourself with other things and keep your mind busy. The worst thing you can do is lay in bed all day thinking about hypotheticals (eg. what if I did this instead would we still be together). And please, don't text/call begging for her back. It's over. Although everyone itt is saying there is plenty of fish in the sea, you probably are thinking "yea but I don't want them, I want HER!" --- soon, wether be a couple of weeks, months or even a year, you will meet an amazing girl who will spark up your life.

You wake up everyday and it hurts a little bit less..then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all.

 

[ShyRem]

First things first: she’s not worth losing your career over.
Second: she obviously is NOT the one.

I’m an attending. How we deal with stuff: we compartmentalize. We don’t get emotional. At least not in public or on “work time”. Case in point: i was at work and got a message my dad was in the icu with a lactic acid of 17 and a hgb of 3.2. I called the icu, discussed with the crit doc, while continuing to work on admissions from the er. I finished my shift. Went home, talked to my mom, handled my family, went to work the rest of the week. Daily updates from the icu and hospital. You just handle it. You can get as emotional as you want on your own time, but your patients need you. They depend on you.
In your case, your “work” is your studies. She isn’t work losing your career over. Compartmentalize that grief, deal with it away from your studies and “work” time. Treat your studies like a job - because it is. Make a schedule. Stick to it. And realize if it’s over, then she was NOT “the one”. Because if she was, you’d still be together. And you’re not. “The one” will come along in their own good time. Be patient.

And be good to yourself. Forgive yourself. There’s a lot of self-flagellation in your message. Stop blaming yourself.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

We got back together and broke up again and it feels even worse than before tbh. Sorry to post this here again but I feel awful and just wanted to let it out

And of course it’s before an exam I have next week because why wouldn’t it be.

 

[DarkBluMage]

We got back together and broke up again and it feels even worse than before tbh. Sorry to post this here again but I feel awful and just wanted to let it out

And of course it’s before an exam I have next week because why wouldn’t it be.

Give yourself a mental day to process some stuff. The rest of the time you prepare for exams just try to keep yourself grounded. I understand the pain you’re going through. My head was messed up from an ended relationship my entire 1st year of med school and even some of my 2nd year. It took a lot of therapy/prayer and a long time for me to feel somewhat stable mentally. Take it day by day.

 

[My Name is Blakeeee]

We got back together and broke up again and it feels even worse than before tbh. Sorry to post this here again but I feel awful and just wanted to let it out

And of course it’s before an exam I have next week because why wouldn’t it be.

Hmm if someone breaks up with me knowing I have some major stuff coming up, then it lets me know all about that person.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you, especially with what you got going on. I will say you may need to take two days off depending on how involved you were in the relationship.

On a good note, you know if this person was to try and slide back into your life in the future, the answer is hell no. Best wishes on your exam next week.

*air hugs*

 

[Angus Avagadro]

At least you tried to make it work again. Now you have no doubt it is not going to work. Take some comfort in that and work toward some closure. Break ups are hard, and this came at a particularly bad time. Take some time, even for an hour, to reflect and exercise. It does wonders to clear your mind. Remember, school is your job. Put your 8 hrs in, then relax. You'll be fine.

 

[Lawpy]

Getting dumped after 2 months of dating, at 26, is nothing at all like divorce, family death, etc. There needs to be a bit more empathy here.

When you get on rotations, look at the attendings (and even the nurses and janitors). About 20% of them are dealing with divorce (including $100K+ in lawyer fees, child custody and support, alimony, asset division, wage garnishment), caring for aging/dying parents, their own health issues, a couple of malpractice lawsuits, med students complaining about rando stuff since time immemorial, etc. Many times, all at once. And yet they still show up to work, taking care of patients.

This is quite blunt but there is a lot of truth to this.

Sorry about the breakup, OP. Hopefully things are a bit better now

 

[Lawpy]

We got back together and broke up again and it feels even worse than before tbh. Sorry to post this here again but I feel awful and just wanted to let it out

And of course it’s before an exam I have next week because why wouldn’t it be.

Well that’s unfortunate. Take some time to heal and really study hard to distract yourself from this

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

How to avoid randomly crying. Sort of embarrassing

 

[Lawpy]

How to avoid randomly crying. Sort of embarrassing

It’s ok to cry.

And also remember that we’re here for you to help you out. You got good advice here, but really, please feel free to continue using this thread to vent out if you need to. We’re here to listen and help you no matter what.

 

[Rapsidy]

How to avoid randomly crying. Sort of embarrassing

You don’t. You go home and go for a walk and cry. You punch a pillow and yell loudly in anger and pain. You cry so much that snot runs into your mouth and you don’t even care. You cry to the point that you need about 4 Advil to stave off the horrible headache that ensues because you cried so much.

Then you start to feel a little bit better the next day.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

I feel like the craziest thing is that it wasn’t even really a problem between us this time. We’re both Catholic (her much more adherent but I try) and her parents are very strict. She is 23 and had never even kissed anybody before me. Well fast forward a few weeks into dating and we did things that Catholics aren’t supposed to do before marriage. Well all of a sudden her parents are suspicious and read her phone, found out, and then gave her an ultimatum, after telling her “she’s going to hell”. Either never see him again or never see us and your 5 sisters again. At first she said she would just come live with me but then at 5pm I get a text saying “it’s over. I can’t lose my family.”

Now I’m blocked on everything.

Literally been crying off an on since 5pm.

 

[DarkBluMage]

I feel like the craziest thing is that it wasn’t even really a problem between us this time. We’re both Catholic (her much more adherent but I try) and her parents are very strict. She is 23 and had never even kissed anybody before me. Well fast forward a few weeks into dating and we did things that Catholics aren’t supposed to do before marriage. Well all of a sudden her parents are suspicious and read her phone, found out, and then gave her an ultimatum, after telling her “she’s going to hell”. Either never see him again or never see us and your 5 sisters again. At first she said she would just come live with me but then at 5pm I get a text saying “it’s over. I can’t lose my family.”

Now I’m blocked on everything.

Literally been crying off an on since 5pm. Have called my dad like 5 times since then just balling my eyes out.

Try not to focus on placing blame. At the end of the day she compromised on her values and it caused problems. Chalk it up to not being a good fit for each other and do your best to move on. You’re not going to change her mind or her families mind.

 

[LunaOri]

Take a break. Give her some time. If things are meant to work out between you, they will.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

I just got an email saying that she still loves me and it was her parents who took her phone and blocked me. Can’t be normal for a 23 year old, right? I said she could live here but she has younger sisters who she would never be able to see again.

I’m just really worried because I’m 26 and feel pressure to get married and have kids.

 

[wysdoc]

I just got an email saying that she still loves me and it was her parents who took her phone and blocked me. Can’t be normal for a 23 year old, right? I said she could live here but she has younger sisters who she would never be able to see again.

I’m just really worried because I’m 26 and feel pressure to get married and have kids.

Super controlling parents!

 

[NITRAS]

You are only 26. Yes, kids are a young person’s game. . . Unless you are older when you have them.

My advise: view dating as trying to find the right wife and future mother of your children. Make a list of important things in religion, politics, family (kids, i laws). Try to keep emotions out of it. It sucks. I’m sorry.

This isn’t going to be popular, but keep sex out of it till you get the above figured out.

 

[DarkBluMage]

I just got an email saying that she still loves me and it was her parents who took her phone and blocked me. Can’t be normal for a 23 year old, right? I said she could live here but she has younger sisters who she would never be able to see again.

I’m just really worried because I’m 26 and feel pressure to get married and have kids.

Don’t let pressure push you into situations that aren’t beneficial. Say she decided to live with you. She’s now cut off from her family and resentment will eventually come from that. It’s best to find someone that shares the same level of values for both of you. It seems like she needs someone that’s very adherent to her and her families faith and will respect the boundaries that entails. That line has already been crossed with you. Why would you date someone and put them in a position of losing their family or putting yourself in a position of being at odds with your future in-laws? There’s not a lot of wisdom in doing that. That’s a lot of avoidable stress. Find out what’s important to you. If you really feel like she’s the person for you then you need to make things right with her family and respect the boundaries in her life going forward. That’s the only way it’s going to work out between y’all. If that can’t happen because you want sex before marriage then it’s best to find someone with those values. You really need to think hard about what kind of life/future marital life you want and go from there. When you marry someone you also marry their family. It doesn’t make sense to start a family filled with problems because you chose someone you didn’t align with values wise.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

Don’t let pressure push you into situations that aren’t beneficial. Say she decided to live with you. She’s now cut off from her family and resentment will eventually come from that. It’s best to find someone that shares the same level of values for both of you. It seems like she needs someone that’s very adherent to her and her families faith and will respect the boundaries that entails. That line has already been crossed with you. Why would you date someone and put them in a position of losing their family or putting yourself in a position of being at odds with your future in-laws? There’s not a lot of wisdom in doing that. That’s a lot of avoidable stress. Find out what’s important to you. If you really feel like she’s the person for you then you need to make things right with her family and respect the boundaries in her life going forward. That’s the only way it’s going to work out between y’all. If that can’t happen because you want sex before marriage then it’s best to find someone with those values. You really need to think hard about what kind of life/future marital life you want and go from there. When you marry someone you also marry their family. It doesn’t make sense to start a family filled with problems because you chose someone you didn’t align with values wise.

I definitely agree with most of this but to give a little more perspective.

I said that I would wait and was fine with waiting but it just kind of happened. I didn’t ask or anything, was just a spontaneous thing. Would also be fine with waiting again but she said that she didn’t want to go back to waiting and felt like it was being forced upon her by her parents

 

[DarkBluMage]

I definitely agree with most of this but to give a little more perspective.

I said that I would wait and was fine with waiting but it just kind of happened. I didn’t ask or anything, was just a spontaneous thing. Would also be fine with waiting again but she said that she didn’t want to go back to waiting and felt like it was being forced upon her by her parents

Sounds like you need to run the other way then. If separation from her family happens, then it’s gona cause resentment. She needs to work out her life before dating. If I were in your shoes I’d do my best to move on. I 100% get how you feel about marriage and kids so I don’t say that lightly.

 

[Syndonium]

I feel for you. Even though our situations are different I had to go through very rough relationship problems and medical school didn't stop. Wife betrayed me, did some awful things, made me feel worthless and evil though I did nothing deserving of that. Difference is I'm married and we're still together, after some time where I was suicidal and incredibly depressed from the situation. Was stressed and couldn't sleep. Verbal threats of violence were made against me and my unborn child used as a bargaining chip and manipulation tool.

Will I ever look at this person the same again? No. Did this person seem literally perfect when we got married? Yes. I can tell you now there are plenty of better people than my wife out there. I get it though. Love is hard and rejection is hard and learning the "why" of things actually doesn't help. I couldn't understand why and even when I got the chance to ask my wife has never produced a valid reason to date. She's apologetic and remorseful (from what I can tell) but both of our families have been wrecked by the crap she pulled for reasons she can't even explain.

I heavily relied on family and support from counselors, friends, faculty and mentors. I did therapy (still am). If you feel suicidal like I was please get help. Please call the suicide hotline or go to the hospital. I did hate my experience in the hospital but it was actually somewhat useful for getting away from everything and figuring things out. Was I still confused, am I still confused? Hell yes. Point though is that was necessary. Don't be afraid to reach out to the school and communicate. A break up isn't nearly as serious as what I went through but still you'd be surprised. I didn't think potential divorce and family issues would be grounds for accommodations from the school but they did do everything they could for my success. Just don't struggle alone. That drives you insane.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

Update: we were together for just under a year but now she is taking a job on the other side of the country. Right before step 1. Luckily my practice scores have been decent