How does this sound?

[Near]

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It's a short statement for a scholarship foundation I'm applying to. It asked that I say why I deserve a scholarship. Any suggestions or comments?

"Through hard work and determination, I will be graduating from high school two years early. Naturally, my parents are very proud of what I have accomplished. However, it's also a source of worry for them because they hadn't anticipated that I would need money for college two years earlier than planned. Coming from a family of six, in which my father is our sole source of income, this is a significant concern because my family, unfortunately, is not in a position, financially, to wholly accommodate the burden of paying for my education themselves.

This scholarship foundation would allow me to continue my education and reach my goal of becoming a doctor. In finishing high school two years early, I've demonstrated that I am responsible and dedicated. I believe that with the help of this scholarship, I could achieve great things, make valuable contributions to society, and ultimately help others to reach their dreams too"

 

[DrMattOglesby]

the content is fine. (congrats on finishing early btw).
however, there are two sentences that seem to run on a bit. Try to see if you can cut down on the 'comma' usage by rearranging your sentences. Just a friendly suggestion 😳

 

[Silverman780]

It's a short statement for a scholarship foundation I'm applying to. It asked that I say why I deserve a scholarship. Any suggestions or comments?

"Through hard work and determination, I will be graduating from high school two years early. Naturally, my parents are very proud of what I have accomplished. However, it's also a source of worry for them because they hadn't anticipated that I would need money for college two years earlier than planned. Coming from a family of six, in which my father is our sole source of income, this is a significant concern because my family, unfortunately, is not in a position, financially, to wholly accommodate the burden of paying for my education themselves.

This scholarship foundation would allow me to continue my education and reach my goal of becoming a doctor. In finishing high school two years early, I've demonstrated that I am responsible and dedicated. I believe that with the help of this scholarship, I could achieve great things, make valuable contributions to society, and ultimately help others to reach their dreams too"

I like everything except for the last help people reach thier dreams bit, sounds kinda corny

 

[CScull]

It's a short statement for a scholarship foundation I'm applying to. It asked that I say why I deserve a scholarship. Any suggestions or comments?

"Through hard work and determination, I will be graduating from high school two years early. Naturally, my parents are very proud of what I have accomplished. However, it's also a source of worry for them because they hadn't anticipated that I would need money for college two years earlier than planned. Coming from a family of six, in which my father is our sole source of income, this is a significant concern because my family, unfortunately, is not in a position, financially, to wholly accommodate the burden of paying for my education themselves.

This scholarship foundation would allow me to continue my education and reach my goal of becoming a doctor. In finishing high school two years early, I've demonstrated that I am responsible and dedicated. I believe that with the help of this scholarship, I could achieve great things, make valuable contributions to society, and ultimately help others to reach their dreams too"

I would split this up... maybe take out the entire "this is a significant concern" portion, it's a little redundant. Maybe take out repeating "In finishing high school two years early also" as it's a bit redundant also, and if you're on a word limit maybe it would free up some space to expand on your aspirations of becoming a doctor. Otherwise, I like it, Good luck with your scholarship!

EDIT:
You might also want to make your second sentence present tense, it'll make it flow better.

 

[AdmiralChz]

That last sentence is a comma pit. Eliminate some of that.

Maybe "I come from a family of six where my father is our sole source of income. This is an issue because my family is not in an ideal financial position to accommodate the burden of my education themselves."

Just an idea - but definitely split it up.