How to deal with it...

[NotAMedStudent]

I've been dating my girlfriend (the med student) for a year, she's currently in her second year and it's definitely taking it's toll on her, and on us. From the get-go, I was told that my main job as her significant other was to be supportive (by someone who'd done the spouse-of-a-med-student gig before), which I feel I have been. We've spent many a night studying next to each other, sitting in her library, sitting in my library, going through flash cards and notes, and generally spending much more time together than I'd expected. So no complaints there.

But about half-way into our relationship, things started to degrade. First it was a complete lack of sexual interest. I know she's got a lot on her plate, and women's sexual desires are greatly influenced by their emotional status. So to an extent, I can understand this. But it's gotten a little too infrequent. I know she loves me, she wants me to be with her nearly every night, she's still very affectionate. We've had many discussions about this, heated and calm, and in the end, it's always her needs and wants that prevail... which vary greatly from mine. This was the first of the issues to arise, which we are working on together... though my patience was worn thin (which may be my problem, and mine only).

The most recent issue: I've heard from many that the vice of choice with med students and doctors is alcohol and other legal chemicals. Since we began dating a year ago, I've noticed that she depends on sleep aids, if it's not a prescription sleep aid, it's over-the-counter sleep aids. Infrequent use wouldn't be such a big deal, but it's rather constant, and I've learned to associate sleep aids with no sex... because once she's downed the pill... nightly... she's off to her much awaited coma. But it doesn't stop there... the stress of school, the average to below average (not failing) test grades have made her depressed more than normal because she associates these test scores with her future ability to be a doctor - she hasn't failed any blocks or had to remediate any courses. She thinks that because she doesn't do excellent on these exams that she's going to start killing people and be a horrible doctor. This has led her to drink more than normal. For the first nine months of our relationship, it was normal for us to have a glass of wine with dinner, and more often than not, she'd refuse to even have a single glass until she about done with her studies... I commended her on this, because she had her priorities straight. But recently (over the past month), it's gotten to the point that when I get off work around 5pm, she's already finished half a bottle of wine and the other half is done before the nights over. Some days when she's been at home alone the whole day, she'll have finished six pack of beer.

I tried to talk to her about it... and she gave me her over-used conditioned response, "I'll fix it", "I'm sorry". Both of which I've learned are empty statements.

I want to be supportive of her. I don't want to see her dig herself deeper and deeper into depression (which I should add, she just recently starting taking anti-depressants for). But between feeling sexually ignored and put-off, and her depression leading her to relying on alcohol and sleep aids... I don't know how to be supportive anymore. It all just leads to arguments that assuredly depress her even more. It's only her second year of med school... is this what the future holds for her?

If you've taken the time to read this extremely personal and verbose monologue, I greatly appreciate it. Any first had experiences, relations, and suggestions would be of great help. Thank you in advance.

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[xanthines]

A bottle of wine or a six-pack a day is a LOT for anyone, especially a girl (young woman, whatever), unless she's 8 feet tall. It sounds like she might be developing an alcohol dependency. From what you describe, it sounds like she might benefit from some professional counseling. I don't know how to get people into counseling when they're not fully aware of their problems, but you could try to talking to someone yourself. You're not in a good position, so it could benefit you too.

-X

 

[J ROD]

A bottle of wine or a six-pack a day is a LOT for anyone

This is not true....many social drinkers like myself can easily drink a 6 pack and not be drunk so bad they are knocked out.

 

[blue2000]

Your girlfriend is showing some major red flags about her mental health, and it's clearly damaging your relationship.

Increased alcohol use (unclear if she's got dependence issues yet, but it seems as though she's on her way); reliance, possible over-reliance on prescription/non prescription sleep aids (maybe fighting anxiety -- when I was a med student I NEVER needed a sleep aid, she may be treating significant sleep disturbance); lack of sexual interest.

It all adds up to depression, maybe anxiety, maybe something else, but she needs help. And you may need help. If the relationship is important to you, I recommend counselling for her AND you, and maybe couples, if this is the kind of relationship you thought might lead to a long term commitment.

She needs help, but it sounds as though she might not be ready to hear it. That's why you need to talk to someone, to define for yourself what your limits and boundaries are.

You are right to be very concerned. She's struggling, and you may not be able to salvage the relationship. Not to be a downer, but from the outside, you both need help.

 

[J ROD]

Your girlfriend is showing some major red flags about her mental health, and it's clearly damaging your relationship.

Increased alcohol use (unclear if she's got dependence issues yet, but it seems as though she's on her way); reliance, possible over-reliance on prescription/non prescription sleep aids (maybe fighting anxiety -- when I was a med student I NEVER needed a sleep aid, she may be treating significant sleep disturbance); lack of sexual interest.

It all adds up to depression, maybe anxiety, maybe something else, but she needs help. And you may need help. If the relationship is important to you, I recommend counselling for her AND you, and maybe couples, if this is the kind of relationship you thought might lead to a long term commitment.

She needs help, but it sounds as though she might not be ready to hear it. That's why you need to talk to someone, to define for yourself what your limits and boundaries are.

You are right to be very concerned. She's struggling, and you may not be able to salvage the relationship. Not to be a downer, but from the outside, you both need help.

I dont think the OP needs counseling.....her, probably

 

[ETSUUndergrad]

This is not true....many social drinkers like myself can easily drink a 6 pack and not be drunk so bad they are knocked out.

Just because you can drink a 6 pack and not get really drunk doesn't mean that the alcohol still isn't a factor. If one develops such an alcohol dependency it won't get better, only worse. My dad is a recovering alcoholic who didn't realize he was an alcoholic. He is now 56 and may have to go through a liver transplant pretty soon. Not to mention getting diagnosed with Hep C because of this.

Just because you don't get drunk as easy, doesn't mean you should still drink a 6 pack or more a day.

 

[J ROD]

Just because you can drink a 6 pack and not get really drunk doesn't mean that the alcohol still isn't a factor. If one develops such an alcohol dependency it won't get better, only worse. My dad is a recovering alcoholic who didn't realize he was an alcoholic. He is now 56 and may have to go through a liver transplant pretty soon. Not to mention getting diagnosed with Hep C because of this.

Just because you don't get drunk as easy, doesn't mean you should still drink a 6 pack or more a day.

I am not arguing that alcohol is not a problem. I am arguing the fact that what I highlighted is not true.

That much alcohol is not ALOT for some. I only drink once in a while and can drink that much and still be slightly buzzed. Hence, that boat dont float!!

 

[xanthines]

Thanks for the anecdotal evidence, but >6 drinks a night is a lot, especially for women, and especially for med students trying to study. Any way you cut it, this is most likely a problem for her. That, and the sleep aids aren't doing her any good. Since it is apparently affecting her life in an adverse way (if it's the OP's problem, it's her problem as well), I'd say it's even more likely an issue.

Anyway, the original point of the thread was to deal with all of this. My personal, non-professional opinion is that he's in over his head and could use some help. From his description, she could probably benefit from some real counseling and it would probably ideal for him to participate in some way.

Let us know how it goes, OP.

-X

I am not arguing that alcohol is not a problem. I am arguing the fact that what I highlighted is not true.

That much alcohol is not ALOT for some. I only drink once in a while and can drink that much and still be slightly buzzed. Hence, that boat dont float!!

 

[J ROD]

Thanks for the anecdotal evidence, but >6 drinks a night is a lot, especially for women, and especially for med students trying to study.

Again, you cant seem to grasp the concept here....

I used myself as an example, yes but I know a tiny, 115lb girl that socially drinks on the weekends and can drink ALOT more than that and be mildly drunk. Also, know med students that get their share in too.....

You seem to quote this 6 pack rule as some universal truth.

It is true for some and even most....but not all.

The girl in question is obviously in trouble and needs some help.

But, everyone has different limits and a blanket statement like you made is nothing but purely wrong.

 

[Wolfman89]

Your girlfriend is showing some major red flags about her mental health, and it's clearly damaging your relationship.

Increased alcohol use (unclear if she's got dependence issues yet, but it seems as though she's on her way); reliance, possible over-reliance on prescription/non prescription sleep aids (maybe fighting anxiety -- when I was a med student I NEVER needed a sleep aid, she may be treating significant sleep disturbance); lack of sexual interest.

It all adds up to depression, maybe anxiety, maybe something else, but she needs help. And you may need help. If the relationship is important to you, I recommend counselling for her AND you, and maybe couples, if this is the kind of relationship you thought might lead to a long term commitment.

She needs help, but it sounds as though she might not be ready to hear it. That's why you need to talk to someone, to define for yourself what your limits and boundaries are.

You are right to be very concerned. She's struggling, and you may not be able to salvage the relationship. Not to be a downer, but from the outside, you both need help.

I would generally agree. I think she needs to see someone and talk about her stress and her increasing dependence on OTC sleep aids.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

JDH I think the issue is a 6 pack of beer every night - ie the frequency, not necessarily just the amount. Sure I can down a bottle of wine and be buzzed, but nowhere near plastered. I do that on weekends occasionally if me and the boy are making a good dinner and drinking up a storm. But a bottle of wine every night is another thing entirely.

 

[J ROD]

JDH I think the issue is a 6 pack of beer every night - ie the frequency, not necessarily just the amount. Sure I can down a bottle of wine and be buzzed, but nowhere near plastered. I do that on weekends occasionally if me and the boy are making a good dinner and drinking up a storm. But a bottle of wine every night is another thing entirely.

Now, if we are talking every night, that is a problem.

But, amount depends on the person.

 

[NotAMedStudent]

Thanks a lot for your replies.

Just to clarify, it's not every night that she's getting drunk, it's usually just a few times a week, say 3 or 4 times. Which for her is a lot more than normal. Normally she's a once every month or two social binge drinker.

Anyway, I would agree that seeking counseling on both our parts is probably the next step... providing she'll agree to it.

 

[J ROD]

Thanks a lot for your replies.

Just to clarify, it's not every night that she's getting drunk, it's usually just a few times a week, say 3 or 4 times. Which for her is a lot more than normal. Normally she's a once every month or two social binge drinker.

Anyway, I would agree that seeking counseling on both our parts is probably the next step... providing she'll agree to it.

Tell her you will leave her if she doesnt go.....

 

[rexsmith09]

Let's forget about the 6 bottles... depends from person to person. Well, the major concern is to how to save the relationship and lead them a healthy life. Alcohol is a concern and the pills. But these are not the source. It is better to find the source first - it may be the exams, studies, insecurity, disturbed childhood etc. I would suggest that them to pack the bags and go for a holiday - 2 - 4 days. For this type of situations, one needs to be a good listener and do not force out anything. Make the situations, she will bring it on automatically. Do not come to conclusion and if necessary visit a clinical psychologist if it cannot be taken care of. This is not a very big problem, it can be sorted out when given time. I appreciate the concern of her boy friend and his good human gesture.

 

[c4e]

Being a medical student is very stressful, and can unfortunately lead to some very bad habits. I commend you that you're willing to recognize that something may be wrong and that you want to help her. I would strongly recommend that you get your girlfriend to talk to a student wellness peer (or equivalent student support group) and/or a primary care doc at the student health center to screen her for substance abuse and/or dependence (non professional opinion). What you're describing is raising many red flags in my mind. She may not be receptive to seeking outside help, and if that's the case, the best thing you can do for her is to state your concern, offer to be there to help, and to gently have her consider her behavior and to help her want to seek counseling.

Reference: http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/Practitioner/CliniciansGuide2005/clinicians_guide.htm

From what you've described, she needs to be screened for dependence, abuse, and/or other problems. It's best to deal with it now when she's in class, than to be caught later on in clerkships and residencies and onward, where the consequences are not so forgiving.

Again, all of this should not be taken as formal medical advice from a medical student. Go see a health professional/counseling services for more information and more details.

I wish you the best and hope that a happy ending comes from this...

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

This is not a very big problem

Obviously, you've never known someone with depression and subsequent alcohol addiction. This IS a big problem.

 

[Lil Mick]

If it's causing problems in her life (relationship, maybe school...), it's a problem and worthy of investigation--regardless of how much or how often. I know that my school has a confidential hotline for students who aren't sure whether or not there is a problem. Perhaps her school has something similar where someone qualified can discern what might be going on.

In my own experience, I switched from rarely drinking/using to becoming dependent on drugs and alcohol in a matter of months (much before adding the stress of medical school to my life). It is not something to mess around with or wait to see what will happen next, and it is something where the lines between okay and not okay can end up very blurry.

With respect to grades, half of practicing physicians are in the lower half of their class (by definition), and we do not have huge problems with incompetence with patients (usually impaired physicians, over-worked physicians...) or have medical students with lower grades not ultimately become physicians (you have to work at it to flunk out, unlike law school).

 

[thomas22]

Everyone has there own limitations in alcohol... if you take me i can go easily with 10-12 beers at once and i stay straight but if i go for Whiskey or something lite that then one peg is enough for me to get lay down... but it does not stay same with my friends... lol