How do deal with the uncertainties of my SO and Is medical journey timelines?

[socalblues]

I'm a senior in undergrad with an SO who is applying to medical school this year. I am very fearful of the uncertainty of where we'll end up/when our timeliness would allow is to be close to each other. Is or has anybody been in the same situation? I'm applying to post-bacs next year, so I am hoping to end up close to where he'll be for med school. If not, I'll apply to med schools closer to where he'll be for residency, since that's 3-4 years from now. I'm just worried because who knows when and where we'll be. I may or may not even get in right after my 2-year post-bac.

Does anybody have advice? This has been an incredibly difficult and anxiety-inducing year for me. I can't stop thinking of what may go wrong in a potentially long-distance relationship of 6 years or more (if my post-bac, med school, or his residency don't end up being close to each other). It seems that there is no certain end goal. The end goal is being close to each other and maybe get married, but I don't know how to work for that aside from just hoping the best with our admits and locations. He tries his best to secure me, but it still doesn't sit well with me. I don't blame him because I understand there are still lots of uncertainties on his end as well.

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[SocialStigma]

I understand the anxiety that comes with not knowing when your "end date" will be (ie. when you can live together/get married). Unfortunately that's part of the package of dating someone aspiring to be a doctor and also having your own school/career goals. I'm a vet and pursued a specialty residency post-vet school while my boyfriend (now fiance) pursued a MSc and then went on to med school. We've been long distance for the entirety of our relationship aside from the first 6 months. In total, we've been long distance for 7 out of the 7.5 years we've been together - but it has been worth it. Our end date is coming soon, should be next year when he finishes med school, as long as he matches to the school in my current city for residency. You may have a couple years of uncertainty but if your relationship is important to you and he's the person you want to be with forever, then I would encourage you to stick it through. If your relationship survives, then it will be stronger for it. And nobody would have had to give up their career goals for the other.

 

[socalblues]

Hi there, thank you so much for this! It is amazing to hear about couples working it out long-distance for almost a decade. Do you have any other pieces of advice? I'm 21 and he's 28 and we're both each other's first "actual" relationship. He's the more stable person in our relationship and I hate to be overbearing sometimes. How far were you guys and how often did you two see each other? If you'd like and don't feel comfortable replying to my comment here, let me know if I can message you privately! Unfortunately, it seems like my worries about the future are slowly burning him out and causing fights. I'm interested in knowing how you coped/handled it all while being in med school yourself.

 

[SocialStigma]

Hi there, thank you so much for this! It is amazing to hear about couples working it out long-distance for almost a decade. Do you have any other pieces of advice? I'm 21 and he's 28 and we're both each other's first "actual" relationship. He's the more stable person in our relationship and I hate to be overbearing sometimes. How far were you guys and how often did you two see each other? If you'd like and don't feel comfortable replying to my comment here, let me know if I can message you privately! Unfortunately, it seems like my worries about the future are slowly burning him out and causing fights. I'm interested in knowing how you coped/handled it all while being in med school yourself.

I PM'ed you

 

[meoc22]

The best I can do is advise you to take it day by day. I know no one in love going into a LDR wants to hear that (I know I hate hearing it), but its the best advice I can give to keep your head on. I'm currently 4 years into a relationship that has been long distance for 2 years. Im a vet student, hes doing internal medicine (human) residency, and we are currently about 1,200 miles apart. When we started dating we knew I was going to be leaving within the next two years and he was still in medical school. After my first year of vet school he moved a little closer (we had an ocean between us before). We see each other roughly every 2 months and sometimes its for as little as 36 hours, although we have gotten a couple of entire weeks and recently 5 weeks (the only good thing to come out of COVID for me). Its really hard, but its possible. Right now my emphasis is on how hard it is simply because I just saw him a week ago and miss him greatly, but when we are really busy a couple of weeks can go by without it hurting too much. So while its hard its not constantly painful. I cant tell you the outcome yet because im in the middle of it, but so far its been worth it and Im happy. We have at least two more years ahead of us and maybe a bit more since he finishes residency at the same time I finish vet school so itll be harder to coordinate without one of us having a solid "home base", but we are both committed and looking forward to being together again. Keep looking for happy stories out there of LDR, keeping morale up is pivotal to making it work as it colors how you interact with your partner. Thats actually what lead me here in the first place! I was seeking success stories in a moment of sadness.

Also people focus on the bad a lot in LDR because its so painful being away from someone you love, but people dont tell you the pros. For me, as a student in a rigorous program, it has been GREAT for focusing in school since I dont have to worry about a SO waiting at home or having to make plans for weekends. Not dealing with the guilt of always being busy has been good for my mental health. I also remind myself a lot that I am not alone, my partner is still there for me to lend me emotional support so I'm much happier being with the person that knows me best in the universe than breaking up because it hurts to miss him. In a way, I get the emotional benefits of the relationship without the time commitment (but again of course I miss the physicality). Also, LDR is easier nowadays more than ever thanks to technology and easier travel, always keep that in perspective. Whenever you see your partners face in facetime or skype, its helps to be grateful for how beautiful that is instead of focusing how awful it is not to be with them.

People do long-distance successfully all the time, so keep your chin up and focus on loving your partner. Things can work out!