Husband cheated. Anxious about residency.

Discussion in 'Spouses and Partners' started by jw28450, Mar 17, 2017.

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  1. jw28450

    jw28450

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    So as the title states, I found out a few months ago that my husband cheated on me multiple times with a nurse. I didn't find out about it until almost a year after the fact and not because he decided to come clean. Apparently it happened when he worked with her for two surgery rotations at a hospital 3 hours away, but we were still visiting regularly on weekends. They met up in a group for drinks a few times, then alone, then he slept over at her place twice during the week. The nights they slept together, he told me that his phone had died.

    Discovering this has been the single most devastating experience of my life thus far. I have never felt such a tremendous amount of emotional pain, and from a person that I thought would never be capable of such betrayal. It's mind-boggling to me how he always portrayed himself as such a moral and faithful person, disgusted by infidelity. But my eyes have opened. I thought seriously about walking away, but we have kids together which complicates the situation. He seems truly regretful and says he's willing to do whatever to make things better, but we still have a long ways to go in rebuilding trust between us. The number of lies he told regarding these incidents of cheating and the fact that he didn't choose to tell me about it himself really bothers me.

    We've discussed how this happened and what steps should be taken to prevent anything like this from happening again (like getting too close/flirty with female co-workers), and he's agreed to limit lunches out with females, drinks after work, etc. until we have worked through these issues.

    Well he matched today and unbelievably, his entire residency class is women. I'm incredibly happy for him matching at a good program, but I couldn't help but feel bummed by this. I really hoped and expected there would be other guys in his class that he could hang out and socialize with, hoping this would lessen the need for him to seek such friendships in other women at work. But clearly he will be spending a significant amount of time getting close with these women since they are the only people in his class, and after the whole cheating incident, the prospect of that makes me feel incredibly anxious and afraid. I know it's a situation that requires trust, but I'm just not there yet . My whole world was shattered a few months ago, and honestly I'm still processing it and figuring out how one even goes about trusting someone again after something like that.

    Now in a few months he's going to be spending long days and sometimes nights away working with these people, and I'm so afraid something like that could happen again. I don't want to live with anxiety everyday wondering what's going on between him and the people at work, but I can't quite rationalize it out of myself. It just feels like there hasn't been enough time to re-establish that kind of trust. I dread thinking of what the next 3 years could bring for our relationship. Sometimes I still wonder if this is fixable. It's left our marriage in such an unstable and uncertain place, and I don't feel like that's the kind of relationship that survives residency. In a class of all women, at that.

    I don't know what I'm looking for exactly. Really just any kind of insight or advice, I guess. I feel like I'm at crossroads and feel incapable of choosing either path. I just feel paralyzed by all of this. It's suppose to be a happy time for him and our family, and I just feel full of dread thinking about all the time he's going to be spending away getting close with these women, and what it could mean again.

    How do I overcome this?

    Thanks for reading.
     
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2017
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  3. Chelsea FC

    Chelsea FC 2+ Year Member

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    You seem to have alot more life experience than me so take what i say with a grain of salt, but I really don't believe that a man who cheats on you multiple times will ever stop no matter what boundaries you set up. The real question is are you comfortable saying in a relationship with a cheating spouse for the kids or separate. Only you can answer this.
     
  4. sb247

    sb247 wait...you mean I got in? 2+ Year Member

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    limit lunches and drinks with women?

    Like take the number of coupled, alcohol ingesting time with just one female, who isn't you and decrease it to a number that isn't zero?

    My wife wouldn't stay if I cheated, but if she did I would never dare propose slightly less drinking after work with a lady.....holy @#$%
     
  5. jw28450

    jw28450

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    Having drinks with just one other female is out of the question. The "limiting" applies to group settings where other women will be there, if they are people that I don't personally know and feel comfortable with. Though the times he met up with the person he cheated with for drinks, he had told me that other people were going also. So I don't know what to do or think. I can say whatever, but I only know what he tells me. Like he's agreed to not meet up with other women for lunch and stuff during work too, but if he's only working with women, I can't imagine how likely that not happening really is despite him saying otherwise.

    The whole situation is just really crappy and I feel like residency is the worst time to attempt working through something like this and rebuilding trust.

    With him being gone all the time working crazy hours/sometimes nights with mostly women, seems like if there was ever a time to cheat again, residency would be a likely one. Doesn't it kind of set people up to become more distant from their spouses and especially close with those they work with? I'm worried this won't end well.

    I know it's on him, and I want to believe what he says about it never happening again, but how could I really know that? Especially when we'll be seeing so little of each other.

    I truly love him but this has completely baffled and broken me, and I don't want to ever be played a fool again. So I'm not sure what to do.

    Thanks to everyone that responded.
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2017
  6. sb247

    sb247 wait...you mean I got in? 2+ Year Member

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    My advice would be no going out for drinks without you getting a babysitter and joining him for quite awhile....but you do what you gotta do, I'm sorry
     
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  7. Mad Jack

    Mad Jack Critically Caring Gold Donor 2+ Year Member

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    Pretty much this. He's not upset he cheated, he's upset he got caught. He's not upset he might lose you, he's upset he might lose his home life that you happen to be a part of. Proceed at your own peril, because opportunities for him to get some strange are only going to increase as time goes on, so this will very likely be the first of several incidents. He isn't a bad person though- since people just aren't wired for monogamy, it's just this thing that society forces on them and they struggle to deal with their whole life. He might even very well live you a great deal, but he can't just be with one person for the rest of his life. So don't take it personally, but be realistic in your expectations of the future.
     
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  8. sb247

    sb247 wait...you mean I got in? 2+ Year Member

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    a cheater is a bad person. If he doesn't like the "deal" he has with her, he can leave. Nothing requires him cheating
     
  9. Mad Jack

    Mad Jack Critically Caring Gold Donor 2+ Year Member

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    He's an ordinary person that has done a bad thing, in that he was dishonest. That doesn't make him a bad person, that makes him an imperfect one.
     
  10. SouthernSurgeon

    SouthernSurgeon Lifetime Donor 7+ Year Member

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    IMHO having to set up artificial barriers/rules regarding his interactions with women isn't going to be realistic or feasible in residency. It's also not healthy.

    If the mere threat of being in the presence of the opposite sex puts him at ongoing risk of cheating, then you've probably got an insurmountable problem.
     
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  11. jw28450

    jw28450

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    Thanks for the response. Just wondering though, how does the number of opportunities/likelihood of cheating increase as time goes on? From spending more time at the hospital?
     
  12. pulmoblast

    pulmoblast 2+ Year Member

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    The new ACGME rules for interns doing overnight calls are probably not going to help...


    Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile
     
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  13. jw28450

    jw28450

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    Is there a requirement for that now? How often?
     
  14. Mad Jack

    Mad Jack Critically Caring Gold Donor 2+ Year Member

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    More time in the hospital, more perceived prestige, more free time once he becomes an attending coupled with events like CME and the like. Add in the pressure of residency/attending life, and, well... There's a reason many marriage don't survive medical training.
     
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  15. WhtsThFrequency

    WhtsThFrequency 10+ Year Member

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    Seriously. It's like putting a band-aid on a festering wound. Sure it keeps the pus from getting on your clothes, but eventually the whole limb is going to rot off.
     
  16. WhtsThFrequency

    WhtsThFrequency 10+ Year Member

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    If people want to cheat, they will find a way regardless of how you try to control their environment. In fact, controlling their environment is not only unhealthy but will worsen the problem in many cases. You need to address why they wanted to cheat in the first place.

    I have a feeling that you already know where this is headed.

    Also, I have to say it - you are feeling bad because you don't trust him? Dude, he cheated on you and not only that, but seems more upset he got caught that anything else. It is his responsibility right now to be falling all over himself trying to REGAIN your trust - you don't owe him ****. Stop apologizing.
     
  17. jw28450

    jw28450

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    So what do you suggest? What's the right way to handle being cheated on and lied to? What are the appropriate expectations, without setting myself up to experience this horrible feeling again?
     
  18. sb247

    sb247 wait...you mean I got in? 2+ Year Member

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    I think it's a flawed restatement of the issue. He can go to work, he can eat in the cafeteria.....he just doesn't get to go out drinking with the ladies. Something he's shown he can't do without cheating. Nothing in life requires him going out drinking without his wife. If he really wants her, not only is this not a big "ask", it should have been offered
     
  19. sb247

    sb247 wait...you mean I got in? 2+ Year Member

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    I'll add for context.....I've never cheated, but my wife has had all my phone/email/social media passwords since we got engaged. I will occasionally go out for drinks with the class but I make sure everyone knows how married I am and I surround myself with friends that would not put up with me flirting with other women without pulling me aside and intervening.

    I have cut people out of my life before if my wife thought they were beginning to act interested. Cold. 100%. Just cut them out without fanfare or announcing anything. Simply put no one is more important to me than my wife
     
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  20. jw28450

    jw28450

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    If only every man in a committed relationship were like that. I wouldn't wish this kind of hurt and anxiety on anyone. Good for you ensuring that your wife never has to experience that.
     
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  21. jw28450

    jw28450

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    Also, if he isn't hanging out with other women outside of the hospital, in what scenario would he be likely to cheat again? I mean, people aren't really hooking up in the hospital, are they? And that doesn't seem like a crazy expectation given the circumstances, I don't think.
     
  22. SouthernSurgeon

    SouthernSurgeon Lifetime Donor 7+ Year Member

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    No, it's just avoiding the issue. Trying to extrinsically control the situation.

    It's not like cheating is some math problem where probability increases with cumulative exposure over time.

    The root cause has to be discussed and identified. Once that is done, the only way to move forward is to try and rebuild/regain trust.
     
  23. sb247

    sb247 wait...you mean I got in? 2+ Year Member

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    I'd tell a smoker trying to quit that they shouldn't go outside with their friends on smoke break. I'd tell an alcoholic that going to happy hour with coworkers isn't a good idea. I have no problem telling a married cheater that it's stupid to be drinking with a bunch of women who aren't his wife.
     
  24. WhtsThFrequency

    WhtsThFrequency 10+ Year Member

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    That will work for a while, but eventually the smoker is going to find a way, just as the alcoholic will, just as the cheater will. It may reduce the frequency of overt temptation, but the problem is still there.

    Not saying it's a useless endeavor, but it really isn't going to help much in the long term as a standalone solution.
     
  25. WhtsThFrequency

    WhtsThFrequency 10+ Year Member

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    If he still wants to, he'll find a way. Even if it was hooking up via craigslist while telling you he was going to the grocery store or working late. Are you guys addressing the root cause, as in figuring out WHY he cheated? Was it distance? Boredom? IS he realizing he can't handle monogamy? What is it? Figure that out is going to do a lot more as bettering the situation than controlling who he hangs out with - the latter is a temporary fix.
     
  26. sb247

    sb247 wait...you mean I got in? 2+ Year Member

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    I don't view it as a standalone approach.....just a necessary part of the puzzle
     
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  27. WhtsThFrequency

    WhtsThFrequency 10+ Year Member

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    Leaving him.

    Look, there is NO way to guarantee it will never happen again - especially not with a man who did it multiple times, lied about it, and never came clean. Ever. No matter what you do - and that isn't your fault, that is just how life is.

    You have to be able to accept that there will always be the possibility of him doing it again, especially given what I said above about the repeated behavior and the lying. If you can't you need to walk.

    He didn't just have a drunken "accidental" one night stand and then felt embarrassed about it. This was directed, repeat behavior that he chose to engage in multiple times and then made further choices to lie about it. I personally could never trust someone again after that, and that is perfectly fine as far as I'm concerned.
     
  28. WhtsThFrequency

    WhtsThFrequency 10+ Year Member

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    No, I got you - I was more referring to OP, as it seemed like she was viewing this as the best approach when in reality it's more of an adjunct.
     
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  29. SouthernSurgeon

    SouthernSurgeon Lifetime Donor 7+ Year Member

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    Well sure.

    To clarify. I think overcoming cheating in a relationship is INCREDIBLY hard and really only possible in a limited number of cases.

    Part of that root cause thing I mentioned is the possibility simply that the husband is a sh*thead. If that's the case then there is no coming back.
     
  30. WhtsThFrequency

    WhtsThFrequency 10+ Year Member

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    It sounds like this is the exact issue and the OP is trying to cling onto the idea that simply isolating him from other women will solve it.
     
  31. mistafab

    mistafab

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    I'd think deeply about what having this relationship, where one parent is always 'controlling' the other parent because they proved they cannot be trusted, will do to the children. They will see this, they will soak it up even if they don't know why.
     
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  32. jw28450

    jw28450

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    We have discussed it and he said that he had begun feeling stressed out/depressed during that time and the drinking and sex was an attempt to feel "something". According to him, he no longer feels that way and believes that he won't ever again. Doesn't really offer a lot to work with and I still don't honestly understand it. I imagine residency will be even more stressful and maybe depressing at times, so that obviously concerns me.

    And just to clarify.. I know there are other places/scenarios where cheating can occur, but the hospital isn't really a place where that happens, is it? Like in on-call rooms and such?
     
  33. SouthernSurgeon

    SouthernSurgeon Lifetime Donor 7+ Year Member

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    If he wants to cheat he will cheat. He could certainly do it in the hospital. While Greys Anatomy is an exaggeration ... he certainly wouldn't be the first or the last to do so.

    But he will have a lot of long and unpredictable hours, with millions of opportunities to lie about where he is or what he is doing.

    He has to want to change his behavior more than anything else.

    A life where you are having to worry where he is or what he is doing at any moment...where you have to constantly worry about or feel jealous of his professional colleagues...it's not a good life for either of you.
     
  34. ColoradoHkyMom

    ColoradoHkyMom SDN Lifetime Donor Lifetime Donor 5+ Year Member

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    If you think things don't happen in the call room you are very naive.


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  35. Pixiwoman

    Pixiwoman

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    Im so so so so sorry dear, believe me I understand you, cheating is the hardest and most horrible thing that can happen to anyone. I will pray for you so you can find some healing some day, I don't promise you it will totally go away, but at least you will be able to move on and maybe some day trust again as you decided to stay.
    Just be clear with boundaries with your husband because, if it happens again is not worth it to stay anymore as your emotional health will be shattered:(:(:(:(:(:(:(. Remember.... you are valuable and whatever he did is not your fault! He needs to change this ASAP if he says he really loves you... if he doesn't believe in monogamy then why choose to marry you? I don't understand men !!! sometimes they are just dumb!:mad::arghh::arghh::arghh::arghh:
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2017
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  36. Pixiwoman

    Pixiwoman

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    You both should seek couples therapy, is needed and it helps, believe me.:)
     
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  37. Pixiwoman

    Pixiwoman

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    I like you @sb247 you are wise!
     
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  38. Pixiwoman

    Pixiwoman

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    This is exactly what a married man should do, even the thought of flirting should be out of the question, sadly VERY FEW think like you! Im like you 100%
     
  39. Goro

    Goro Probationary Status 7+ Year Member

    Get a good Jewish lawyer and keep your hubby's ass in court for the next 50 years.

     
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  40. Dog_luver

    Dog_luver Banned Banned Account on Hold

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    I think you have to be honest with yourself about the situation. Cheating vs. not cheating is a personal choice all of us who are married make. Making artificial barriers is pointless, counterproductive, and likely to fail in the end. People who love their spouse and are committed to their marriage will NOT cheat - regardless of who is around them, who is attractive, etc. Attractive people are all over the place. You can't avoid them, and creating these false, artificial barriers will not help. Your husband has to decide whether he loves you and wants to be with you, or if he does not value you and wants to be with someone else. The repeated cheating is concerning. A person who repeatedly cheats on their spouse is likely not going to change.
    There are female co-workers everywhere for your husband - whether they be nurses, female residents, female attendings. He can't and should not avoid his co-workers. Working with individuals of the opposite sex is part of life. And again many many many individuals do not cheat regardless of how attractive, how many, how close they work with co-workers. That is a personal choice a spouse makes depending on how much they love their spouse and value their marriage. Also keep in mind that surgery is a super stressful specialty and artificial barriers are certainly not going to do anything when stress levels are sky high. I will also say that sleeping around during residency is certainly not professional and I doubt that it will be tolerated. I think you and your husband need to sit down and really talk about whether there is a high value on the marriage and whether there is a true change that can happen. My residency program, for example, has a ton of dudes - I don't cheat on my husband because I love him and want to be in a marriage with him, I value our life together, and want a future with him. It is my choice, as well as his choice since he works with females as well, to stay faithful because our marriage is more important than being with others.
    I'm sorry you are going through this. Hopefully you and him can find an agreeable resolution.
     
  41. DokterMom

    DokterMom 2+ Year Member

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    I'm so sorry for the pain he put you through and for the terrible strain this puts on your marriage --

    To put it bluntly though, there is absolutely no way you can prevent him from cheating if he wants to. None. Only he can make that decision. Anything you do to try to control him will backfire on your relationship. He needs to work to rebuild your trust, and he's the one that needs to stipulate how and what he will do to repair the damage he caused.

    So to cut right to the chase, what about YOU. What do YOU want? During the time he was cheating, was he otherwise a good husband and father? Were you happy? Do you think you could live happily again even if it meant putting blinders on? (Many people do.) Or is the trust so irrevocably broken that you feel already that the marriage isn't worth saving? How about if it happens again? It might, or it might not...

    Actually, the lawyer advice is a pretty good suggestion. You need to know what your options are and where you stand, even if you suspect you will end up staying. There are children involved, and their financial and emotional needs must be considered. Divorce is no one's first choice, but sometimes it is the better option. Only you can say if it is for your family.
     
  42. ThoracicGuy

    ThoracicGuy 2+ Year Member

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    I suspect that she'd likely get higher child support/alimony once he graduates as compared to just being a med student...
     
  43. julie walker

    julie walker Banned Banned

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    Cheaters sometimes never change. By the way, most doctors I know cheat on their wives with nurses. They spend most of their time at the hospital and so they are prone to cheat. Mind you, I am not endorsing the fact but it happens frequently. I have seen married doctors in the staff bathroom making sex noise with nurses many times but that's none of my business.
     
  44. MedicineZ0Z

    MedicineZ0Z

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    I've seen endless scenarios like this and the hard truth is that he'll always be willing to cheat if he feels the risk of being caught is minimal. There's no way you can trust someone who has cheated on you, period. Why create a life with so much stress? Find someone who respects you and isn't a cheater.
    Now on the bright side, don't feel insecure over being cheated on. He sounds like the type of guy who would cheat in a happy relationship on a partner who is good to him and fulfills his needs as well. So chances are he views you positively in every way but still decided to cheat. Such people aren't wired for monogamy.


    As for the whole drinks/hanging out with the opposite sex thing, it's flat out disrespectful to anyone's partner to do that.
     
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  45. Gastrapathy

    Gastrapathy no longer apathetic Lifetime Donor 10+ Year Member

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    Don't leave until he's been an attending for a year. Get him to take a job in California, wait until you've been married 10 years and then reevaluate.

    In all seriousness, good luck to you. My wife would need a defense attorney rather than a divorce lawyer if I did that ****. I have too much life insurance.
     
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  46. Pixiwoman

    Pixiwoman

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    Agree
     
  47. Captain DO

    Captain DO

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    If you stay together, he'll keep cheating. eventually.

    Should you leave? My sporadic thoughts:
    - prolly harder with kids
    - prolly harder when you google his predicted salary (and easier for him to do it if you make less)
    - friends/family ties
    - your self esteem, mental health if it gnaws at you in the back of your mind


    goodluck
     
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  48. ilovemydog

    ilovemydog

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    My advice would be to leave him. But I would never stay with someone who cheated on me (even once). Plenty of people leave relationships when there are kids involved. In the end, you have the ultimate decision, but don't be surprised when he cheats again.


    Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile
     
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  49. Zweihander

    Zweihander Billygoat Gruff Gold Donor 10+ Year Member

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    perpetually behind...
    This sounds like a terrible situation and there is no good fix. A lot of good advice has already been given, and if you are having such a hard time trusting him I am not certain your relationship can -- or even should -- recover. It might be healthiest to walk away although much more painful in the short term.

    As to residency life, I will say this: it is incredibly stressful and time consuming. I could not have survived my residency without my wife -- she kept my sht together when I was so busy that I barely had time to think about eating, much less dealing with any kind of life outside of the hospital. She does that even now. And it's a lot of little things -- getting the car fixed, dealing with things that break around the house, keeping in touch with family and friends.

    The point is a medical career is stressful and I think if you are in a relationship you need a partner you can lean on hard. And if you're that partner, a lot will be asked of you. If you can't give that willingly and without resentment, it will tear you down eventually.
     
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  50. DT III

    DT III Douglas Dilaudid

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    This is a little embarrassing to say but I have heard a TON of stories about employees hooking up at my hospital. It's pretty disgusting. I am a married man myself. I can't ******* imagine betraying my wife like that. She is my rock that stabilizes me in the worse of times.

    Anyways, not to be a jerk, but I don't think you will really consider any of our advice because relationships are 99% emotional decisions. You will only find logical decisions from us, but your final decision will be an emotional one. I know this because I have gone through this before.
     
  51. DrfluffyMD

    DrfluffyMD

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    Just want to say after graduating medical school I've gotten a whole lot more attention from the opposite sex.
     
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