I feel like I'm drowning...

[lilbaptist]

Apologies for what will be a very long and annoying confession post...

I am very much struggling with my mental health and don't know what to do. Here is my story:

I applied to medical school during the COVID cycle as a terrible applicant. My MCAT was a 496 (121/126/122/127) at the time with an undergraduate GPA of ~2.89. Yes, I understand that stats like these are trash and honestly I didn't expect anything out of it. It was more of a Hail Mary, screw it moment on my end. I thought my extracurriculars were decent enough to maybe make a difference, I have hundreds of hours volunteering, a lot of shadowing experience, leadership roles, etc. During my undergraduate program, I was stretched thin by work and family obligations so grades were never a top priority for me. Especially when COVID hit, I had to drop almost everything to go help with my family business. One of my biggest challenges was my ADHD. At the time, I had no health insurance and could not get the proper treatment. My personal statement which I thought was good at the time was also trash. I realize now it was nothing but red flags and just horribly structured. ANYWAY. I applied to both DO and MD and of course: nothing. That year was honestly one of the lowest points of my life. I felt like a failure. Especially when seeing all my friends get accepted into their dream/respectable programs. The rest of my senior year I grinded it out and just became a recluse. Although I still had to deal with family obligations, I was able to raise my science GPA to ~3.24 and cGPA to 3.04. I knew this wasn't enough and my biggest set backs to applying to medical school were my grades and MCAT score. I decided to pursue a masters in hopes of having a blank slate to work with.

Fast forward to this cycle:
I got accepted into a Biomedical Sciences graduate program at the state university that's my #1 choice for med school. When I enrolled, I was also able to get proper treatment for my ADHD and currently on medication which has made a HUGE difference. My GPA is currently a 3.57 (freaking biostatistics was my only B in the first semester) and I'm currently in route to get all As this second semester (First time I would have ever made a 4.0 in a semester IN MY LIFE (hopefully)). In doing so, my GPA at the time of my application is expected to be ~3.68.
In addition:
-Volunteered more with the church in the area. Church for me was a huge part of my application. Most of my hours as a volunteer and shadowing came from my church in my hometown that had several different programs.
-Got more shadowing hours with local doctors.
-Began to work as a Molecular Technician at a well respected lab in the area doing work on COVID testing and volunteered for a bit as a COVID tester with my university.
-Secured an internship with the department of ophthalmology at my university for this summer. My mentor/PI in the lab is also a professor in the university's medical school.
-Obtained LORs from big name and well respected professors at my university. One of whom is a senior professor and has practically hired half of the medical school's administration.
-Pursued more hobbies to round out my application.
-Made an effort to talk with professors on the admissions council in order to introduce myself and gain insight to how I can be a better applicant for that school.

I'm really not trying to gas myself up. It feels like I've just been doing the bare minimum and that none of this is enough. Even if I do try to give myself some kind of credit, it still feels like I'm setting myself up for failure again. I feel like I made the wrong choices, did the wrong activities, focused on the wrong areas, etc.

However, the biggest challenge I'm currently facing is the MCAT...

My anxiety is through the roof. I'm usually a great test taker but I don't know what's going on with me. I can't get myself to focus or study. When I do sit down to study, I'm paralyzed by overthinking and just end up looking at my to-do list for the day. Even if I am able to get a "productive" study session in, it feels like I understand/retain absolutely nothing. My practice exam scores have begun to regress (I've only been able to take Kaplan and their tests are utter dog poopoo imo). I can't explain it, and I know this sounds goofy, but it feels like I have a huge weight on my heart and in my stomach. I'm so depressed. I've been slowly destroying myself as I watch this spiral. I've tried journaling, talking to friends, praying, all dat. Nothing seems to help. My exam is on June 4 and I feel like I'm in a corner now and just so utterly screwed. I've been doing uworld for what seems to be a month and a half now and have barely put a dent in it. At this point, I'm considering dropping $ on BluePrint practice exams and just moving on to AAMC questions banks to give myself time to do all of them. Why do I feel so hopeless?

Does anyone have any practical tips on how to manage anxiety? Especially during studying and while taking practice exams?

I would love to hear thoughts and suggestions. Shoot, even some kind words tbh. Please don't post anything to remind me that this test is a big deal and I need to take it more seriously. I already know that. Trust me, I'm already the biggest hater to myself. Nothing can be said that would be worse than what I tell myself when I look at my reflection in the mirror everyday.

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[deleted966837]

What you are feeling is completely normal. The mcat is such a massive undertaking. It was one of the most difficult and isolating periods in my life. People who have not experienced it have a hard time understanding the weight of this burden. Try to take it one day at a time.

Now about your situation, your upward GPA trend is awesome and you should be really proud of that!

Also, regarding your mcat score, you got 126 on what is the hardest section for many people - CARS. This is well in range of acceptance to pretty much all DO schools and some MD schools! Your 121 in chem and 122 in bio show that you have some gaps in your knowledge but don't worry - you can definitely fill those gaps.

There are so many study resources. Doing all of them is totally impossible, and that's okay. In my opinion, just stick to a few and ignore the rest. If you can go through Uworld and take a few aamc practice tests, I think you'll be in great shape.

Are you sleeping enough? Eating healthy? Exercising? Those are all so important. For me, exercise is truly the best way to manage anxiety. In fact, I would probably go insane without exercise. So my recommendation is to try to incorporate some kind of exercise into your daily routine.

Good luck, you got this!

 

[lockstitch]

Hey, I'm not going to say to take it more seriously--you are taking it super (too) seriously, in a way. To start with, if you're not gonna be on your own side, you're giving away a huge advantage. You have got to be in your own corner (so, slowly discipline yourself to stop saying things like "man, I am the WORST and everyone is just gonna PILE ON because I totally deserve to be abused") to start with. Cut it out; stop feeding your brain junk food!

I too struggled a lot with anxiety during practice and my whole MCAT study period. What helped me was what I guess can be called humility--ie, realizing that I'll get some score, whatever score, and then I'm going to move on and life will go on. I used UWorld and practice tests to get over this, by the way. At first it felt like a stab in the heart every time I got something wrong on UWorld ("oh no! I know nothing! I'm going to fail!"), but I treated it like the pain from exercising--hurts now but big payout later. For what it's worth, I "only" did UWorld and AAMC and I think that's plenty.

If you're paralyzed looking at your list I think you have to take a break. Not to sound mean, but if you're not productive anyway, just proactively take a break! You can either decide to do that now, and rest up so that you can get back to happy, effective studying, or you can stay paralyzed by fear. It's scary, but you can take time off. I think you need to.

By the way, any chance of moving your exam? I know, not to get you into the idea that you can postpone it forever or something, but just to give a little more leeway now. On the whole I think you have a lot going for your application, and I would encourage you to see this MCAT prep time as a battleground for learning a) good self-care and how to make/change plans, b) stress management, and c) resilience. You don't have to be perfect now, but maybe consider this a particular way in which to train these skills.

If you want to talk more Christian stuff (this was a big deal for me also), I would be happy to correspond over PM.

 

[Proudfather94]

What are you using to study for it? The first time I took it I felt the same way and was using study methods that didn't match the best way I learned.

 

[deleted1079620]

I would recommend switching from Kaplan materials to UWorld and AAMC stuff. Use UWorld to identify content gaps you need to fill, and AMCAS to assess your readiness. Also you need to address your exam anxiety, because you have a lot of big standardized exams ahead of you once you do get into medical school. If you're seeing a therapist or doctor for your ADHD meds, I would make an appt to talk to them about the extreme test anxiety.

 

[gyngyn]

Take all the time you need to get ready for the MCAT and do not take it if you are not confident of a score consistent with success.
A string of weak scores is far more damaging than a single one.

 

[Dr Meow]

It took me 7 years to do well on the mcat. If that helps at all. Just never give up.
I took the mcat 3-4 times. And I voided it every time except 1 which was a good decision

 

[Osteosaur]

I studied for the MCAT while working full time. My advice is to take it very, very slow. Do it for 1 hour per night and give yourself a few nights off a week. You're not going to immediately be brilliant. You want to be in a routine where you are constantly engaging this content and doing practice questions so its second nature. I studied over a full year, slowly and steadily.

1) There is no reason to rush it. I think in your mid-twenties you will be rushing to get in so you can tell your family you've got a real career at thanksgiving. Don't fall into this trap. Take your time. Better to take the MCAT once, do well, and get in when you're 27 than mess get a blotchy record because you want to be a med student at 25.

2) You're an intern in an optho lab and doing covid testing and volunteering with a church. That's great! But don't be doing this stuff 80 hours a week while you study. Take it easy leading up tot he exam.

 

[Darrow O'Lykos]

Breathe. You’ll be okay. Even if it takes you another year to compose your best application and get into med school, it’ll be okay. I didn’t get in until the 4th time applying. I have some regrets about how I reinvented myself, but I’m here now and that’s all that matters. You’ll feel the same way once you start med school.

Your first priority now should be your current coursework and getting all As this semester. Acing post-bacc work is essential for re-inventors. That one B in stats last semester won’t kill you, but if you get another B this semester it’ll make it a lot tougher to sell yourself as a renovated applicant. If that means delaying your MCAT until you can solely study for that without any other academic work, so be it.

Next, understand that you may not be ready to reapply this cycle, and that’s okay. You should only take the MCAT once you’re confident you’ll be successful. Your prior bad score doesn’t look bad if you knuckle down and succeed on your next attempt. It looks a lot worse if you establish a pattern of multiple bad scores. Postponing your exam date will not constitute failure if it results in your success. Consider delaying until you can study full time over the summer and taking it in September. You can then decide if it’s in your best interest to apply this summer or wait till next year.

I personally didn’t struggle with the MCAT too much, but I mostly relied on free study materials/old exams that I could get my hands on and felt that was helpful enough. Don’t feel pressured to pay tooth and nail to acquire study materials thinking they’ll be the main reason for success. But do whatever you need to succeed.

 

[lilbaptist]

What you are feeling is completely normal. The mcat is such a massive undertaking. It was one of the most difficult and isolating periods in my life. People who have not experienced it have a hard time understanding the weight of this burden. Try to take it one day at a time.

Now about your situation, your upward GPA trend is awesome and you should be really proud of that!

Also, regarding your mcat score, you got 126 on what is the hardest section for many people - CARS. This is well in range of acceptance to pretty much all DO schools and some MD schools! Your 121 in chem and 122 in bio show that you have some gaps in your knowledge but don't worry - you can definitely fill those gaps.

There are so many study resources. Doing all of them is totally impossible, and that's okay. In my opinion, just stick to a few and ignore the rest. If you can go through Uworld and take a few aamc practice tests, I think you'll be in great shape.

Are you sleeping enough? Eating healthy? Exercising? Those are all so important. For me, exercise is truly the best way to manage anxiety. In fact, I would probably go insane without exercise. So my recommendation is to try to incorporate some kind of exercise into your daily routine.

Good luck, you got this!I

I did take a huge step back and had to reevaluate my situation. Honestly, my health has been neglected. As much as I wish I could sleep, I find myself only able to get a few hours a night (which I am currently working on. As for my current scores, I've tossed out Kaplan and have been focusing solely on Blueprint + Uworld before I dive into AAMC material at the beginning of this month. The biggest challenge I feel is that it seems like I'm not remembering anything. I know what I'm looking at, but my mind blanks during practice exams. So far my practice exam scores have went 497 BP Diagnostic -> 502 KP1 (122/125/126/17) -> 495 KP2 (122/124/124/124) -> 503 BP1 (126/125/126/126). I still have two more BP exams to complete before I begin the AAMC FLs. Those are my top priority currently and I will be able to study full time at the beginning of May once classes are complete.

 

[lilbaptist]

I would recommend switching from Kaplan materials to UWorld and AAMC stuff. Use UWorld to identify content gaps you need to fill, and AMCAS to assess your readiness. Also you need to address your exam anxiety, because you have a lot of big standardized exams ahead of you once you do get into medical school. If you're seeing a therapist or doctor for your ADHD meds, I would make an appt to talk to them about the extreme test anxiety.

I've already switched from Kaplan to Blueprint and it has made a huge difference. Will be focusing mostly on Uworld and AAMC material to supplement any topics I need to fix based off my practice exams. The current psychiatrist I've been seeing recommended that I don't start any new medication this close to my exam, which sucks as he just seems to up my dosage of adderall.

 

[lilbaptist]

What are you using to study for it? The first time I took it I felt the same way and was using study methods that didn't match the best way I learned.

Currently, I'm using Blueprint for practice exams, Memm for flashcards, and Uworld for qbank and content review. I plan to purchase AAMC for my last month of studying and study full time using that.

 

[deleted1079620]

I've already switched from Kaplan to Blueprint and it has made a huge difference. Will be focusing mostly on Uworld and AAMC material to supplement any topics I need to fix based off my practice exams. The current psychiatrist I've been seeing recommended that I don't start any new medication this close to my exam, which sucks as he just seems to up my dosage of adderall.

Honestly I would push the exam and push for a change of meds, and take a gap year. Your mental health is more important than taking the MCAT on June 4th, and right now your practice scores indicate a real score of under 500. I’m not saying you can’t make dramatic improvements between now and June 4th, but it seems like you’re trying to fight a battle on two fronts here.

 

[lockstitch]

Honestly I would push the exam and push for a change of meds, and take a gap year. Your mental health is more important than taking the MCAT on June 4th, and right now your practice scores indicate a real score of under 500. I’m not saying you can’t make dramatic improvements between now and June 4th, but it seems like you’re trying to fight a battle on two fronts here.

I'd second this! Taking it on June 4th is not going to be very prudent. A year can make a good difference and I think you need it. Of course, we're just people on the internet... but sincerely, I think it will be better in the long run to delay.

 

[Ho0v-man]

Agree with above. Take a step back. Take a week off to stop obsessing over it if you have to.

I also strongly recommend reviewing questions/practice tests the day after you take them. I felt like forgetting the question a little gave me more bang for my buck on my reviews because I had to be more thorough. Whereas reviewing right away was much more cursory and all I did was beat myself up.

Remember, when you’re studying for this stuff, that’s all it is, studying. Tomorrow you’re going to study for the MCAT. And the day after, you’ll still be alive. No matter how hard the studying or even the actual test day is, you’re going to survive. There will be a tomorrow. This is not the only thing in your life that matters (even though it feels that way.)

PS: I tanked my first attempt too. Retake was a 504 and I was lucky as **** to get that high lol. Ended up being top quartile in my class and matching to my top choice residency. It’s really kind of a BS exam IMO.

 

[TragicalDrFaust]

Your mental health needs to be #1. What you’re describing when you try to study is normal and ok but many people find studying gets 10x easier once they’ve found more resolution to their anxiety. It’s great that you’ve taken steps to make your ADHD workable. Some students find anxiety as debilitating as ADHD to their academics. Imagine what it would feel like if this were the case for you, you got suitable help with the anxiety and suddenly studying got taken off “hard mode”. It is a good start to seek advice here about studying with anxiety but you may get more out of working with someone who can help you with the root cause, or a professional who can personalize advice to your situation.

 

[lilbaptist]

Hey everyone, just an update:

Ended up scoring a 504 (125/125/126/128) on my actual one and just got my first A to an MD program two days ago! Still sitting on two more interviews, but I’m hoping to hear back from my top school soon. Thank you all for the advice and if anyone else is reading this, keep pushing through.