I need advice...about to get a divorce.

[Patch80]

My wife and I have been with each other since we were Freshmens in college. We got married the summer before going into my 1st year in med school.

She supported me financially and emotionally during the med school years. She worked two jobs so I can obtain my goal to become a doctor. I can't appreciate her enough for what she has done for me.

That being said, we've been hitting more rough patches since residency started last year. We're starting to drift apart. We live in the same house but I feel like we're strangers now.

It's come to the point where I've considered getting a divorce. I feel guilty about wanting a divorce since she is the one that paid for medical school. On the other hand, I don't know if I can stay married to a women who isn't fully into the marriage anymore. She's not emotionally there anymore. She wasn't like this until residency started. I used to think it's because of my schedule, but now I don't know.

Anyone have similiar experiences? Any suggestions?

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[Sneezing]

Dude, you found yourself a keeper and now you want to bail? WTF? She has stuck with you through the misery. That takes a special woman. You owe it to her and the vow you took to not be seeking advice on an anonymous forum to dissuage you of your guilt of stupidity and actually talk to her.

GO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR SPOUSE.

 

[Frugal Traveler]

I agree... talk to her but do not say anything rash or bold at this time.

I would suggest the following

1. Start out how you first did when you were dating. Rekindle the romance by sending her random flowers. Make official date nights. Try to make her feel like your relationship is starting back over in this romantic swirl of things. Leave notes on the bathroom mirror when you leave at 4 AM in the morning.

Also, support groups are helpful for spouses of residents... get her together with other spouses to make it feel like she is involved in your circle of the world.

You could plan a frugal vacation (http://frugaltraveler.blogs.nytimes.com/)... sometimes all it takes is going to a far away place... possible on a wide range of budgets.

2. I would suggest a marriage councilor to help you all see if you are meant to be together or not if #1 does not work.

From the likes of your post, it sounds like this woman is amazing and has been with you through thick and thin. Marriage is for the best or the worst... try to stick it out.

3. If there is a divorce, there may be financial repercussions depending on which state you live in... don't screw her over if you get a divorce... karma does exist.

Time and honesty will help you... talk and keep the conversation going.

Best wishes 🙂

 

[Grace34]

DO NOT MAKE BIG DECISIONS DURING RESIDENCY!!! It is temporary insanity. Your schedule is ridiculous. Your stress level is through the roof. You are learning 50 new things a day, are physically and emotionally strung out, and you are wondering why things feel "distant" in your marriage? Have you two even seen each other (awake) for more than 3 hours in a row any time recently??

My husband and I have been married for a long time - long enough to have been through "some stuff" before. That being said, intern year was enough to take the wind out of our sails a bit. It was rough. The next year was much better - we just had to ride it out.

Sometimes you just need to grit your teeth to get through a bad patch. Don't stake too much on trying to "rekindle" things right now because your schedule just may not allow it. Don't make this huge decision right now because it's just possible that RESIDENCY is the main issue - not anything between the two of you.

 

[dynx]

My wife and I have been with each other since we were Freshmens in college. We got married the summer before going into my 1st year in med school.

She supported me financially and emotionally during the med school years. She worked two jobs so I can obtain my goal to become a doctor. I can't appreciate her enough for what she has done for me.

That being said, we've been hitting more rough patches since residency started last year. We're starting to drift apart. We live in the same house but I feel like we're strangers now.

It's come to the point where I've considered getting a divorce. I feel guilty about wanting a divorce since she is the one that paid for medical school. On the other hand, I don't know if I can stay married to a women who isn't fully into the marriage anymore. She's not emotionally there anymore. She wasn't like this until residency started. I used to think it's because of my schedule, but now I don't know.

Anyone have similiar experiences? Any suggestions?

Here is the best advice you will get. You don't need to make any rash decisions or anything. But, if you've decided...TALK TO A LAWYER BEFORE YOU TALK TO YOUR WIFE. They can help you get things and your story in order. Doctors have lost future earnings in separations.

 

[EternalMD]

she supported you financially and emotionally through medical school and now that you're out, you're thinking of divorce? get ready to give her half of your earnings for the rest of your life - a few cases of this are floating around somewhere on the internet. Definitely get a lawyer involved before you think of going through with it.

 

[dragonfly99]

Docs who have had their wives put them through school and then ditched their wives are a dime a dozen. Before you do it, try to make sure whether it's the right thing for both of you.

It seems that you all have been together for a while, and that it would be wise to seek some professional help before you just decide to bail out on your marriage. That's just my personal opinion, and of course I haven't walked in your shoes and I don't know the details of what is going on in your relationship. I can tell you that we (docs) can seem pretty self-centered to others, and we CAN be, for sure. We feel like nobody works as hard as we do and nobody appreciates how hard our job is - that's true to an extent, but nobody wants to hear about that, or deal with that. I'm sure it becomes old really fast. Sometimes it is hard as an intern or resident to get out of your own head and try to see things from someone else's point of view. As an XX, I'm kind of wondering what your spouse is thinking right now...sometimes it is hard to figure out men, as you guys don't seem to let us in on what you are thinking or feeling very often.

Also, I totally agree w/what Grace said above. Intern year is sh-t hell. Don't think that it doesn't perturb your thinking, because it DOES. Also, you are just tired as crap most of the time, which makes you tired and not such a great companion and also ruins your mood. We know what we are talking about because we have been there. In my case, I wasn't married so nobody to complain @home about how messy and cranky I was being...LOL.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. If things turn out badly, please don't financially screw over your ex-spouse. That would suck since she basically put you through school.

 

[cali-ob]

I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time. If I am reading correctly, it sounds like you are saying it is your wife who seems disconnected? I think you need to talk to her, and ask her how she is feeling. How are YOU feeling? Do you still feel connected? Love her? Want to be with her? If so, tell her that YOU still love her, want her, etc, and you're wondering how she feels. Tell her that you are sensing a disconnect and want to know what you can do to help things. If she is agreeable, go to counseling. I know you're probably thinking "when are we going to have time to do that?" Make time. You are not an intern anymore (don't know what specialty you are in) so you should be able to command a little of your own time. Easiest thing to do may be to go through your hospital EAP so that you can do it during work hours, maybe during a lunch hour or something.
It can be done if you two make it a priority.
I've been married for over 10 years, and my husband I have thought about divorce a few times, but we've come out better on the other side. You can get through this if you both want to. Good luck.

 

[Patch80]

I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time. If I am reading correctly, it sounds like you are saying it is your wife who seems disconnected? I think you need to talk to her, and ask her how she is feeling. How are YOU feeling? Do you still feel connected? Love her? Want to be with her? If so, tell her that YOU still love her, want her, etc, and you're wondering how she feels. Tell her that you are sensing a disconnect and want to know what you can do to help things. If she is agreeable, go to counseling. I know you're probably thinking "when are we going to have time to do that?" Make time. You are not an intern anymore (don't know what specialty you are in) so you should be able to command a little of your own time. Easiest thing to do may be to go through your hospital EAP so that you can do it during work hours, maybe during a lunch hour or something.
It can be done if you two make it a priority.
I've been married for over 10 years, and my husband I have thought about divorce a few times, but we've come out better on the other side. You can get through this if you both want to. Good luck.

I still love her and I'm the one that suggested marriage counseling. Few weeks ago, we made an appointment to see a counseler. I showed up...she didn't. She's been a wonderful wife through the toughest times but now she's distant. I honestly don't think I would have come this far if she wasn't behind me supporting me all these years. At one point, I thought she was having an affair. I looked in her cell phone to see if there are unusual amounts of texts/calls. I didn't see anything that raised red flags so I quickly shrugged it off.

 

[smq123]

I still love her and I'm the one that suggested marriage counseling. Few weeks ago, we made an appointment to see a counseler. I showed up...she didn't. She's been a wonderful wife through the toughest times but now she's distant. I honestly don't think I would have come this far if she wasn't behind me supporting me all these years. At one point, I thought she was having an affair. I looked in her cell phone to see if there are unusual amounts of texts/calls. I didn't see anything that raised red flags so I quickly shrugged it off.

Has she been seeing her doctor through all this? I'm wondering if she might be depressed or have something else bothering her.

 

[mauvespice]

I would only say that she is your family. This is FAMILY you are talking about. You should give it as many attempts as it takes and more to fix whats wrong. Couples go through ups and downs. There would be times where you would find that there is nothing to fix, nothing wrong to find...you just have to live it through and it passes. It cannot be an intense, passionate relationship all the time. Just like you can't look your best all the time, some days you need to just chill in your jammies with ruffled hair and tired eyes.

It sounds like she hasn't done anything terribly wrong and so it would be too soon to think of a divorce. I'm not trying to lower the credibility of how you feel, but I feel you should give it another chance. Try showing her how grateful you are for all that she has done for you- by gestures and materials. Good luck😍👍

 

[KeratinPearls]

I still love her and I'm the one that suggested marriage counseling. Few weeks ago, we made an appointment to see a counseler. I showed up...she didn't. She's been a wonderful wife through the toughest times but now she's distant. I honestly don't think I would have come this far if she wasn't behind me supporting me all these years. At one point, I thought she was having an affair. I looked in her cell phone to see if there are unusual amounts of texts/calls. I didn't see anything that raised red flags so I quickly shrugged it off.

Make sure you BOTH still truly love each other. I guess you really have to communicate and talk about how you feel and how she feels.

Good luck. Hope things work out.

 

[Ttan]

My wife and I have been with each other since we were Freshmens in college. We got married the summer before going into my 1st year in med school.

She supported me financially and emotionally during the med school years. She worked two jobs so I can obtain my goal to become a doctor. I can't appreciate her enough for what she has done for me.

That being said, we've been hitting more rough patches since residency started last year. We're starting to drift apart. We live in the same house but I feel like we're strangers now.

It's come to the point where I've considered getting a divorce. I feel guilty about wanting a divorce since she is the one that paid for medical school. On the other hand, I don't know if I can stay married to a women who isn't fully into the marriage anymore. She's not emotionally there anymore. She wasn't like this until residency started. I used to think it's because of my schedule, but now I don't know.

Anyone have similiar experiences? Any suggestions?

Looks like you need to put her back to work to get the chymes of love to ring again.

Heres what you need to do. First, buy a large tract of land designated agricultural. Build a small, crude sort of barn. Get some livestock, designate a piece of land for grazing, and more land for seeding extra hay, crops, etc. Build a small house with only the bare necessities. Make sure there is no tv phone with long distance or leisure activities available for miles. Put her to work out there. At first it will be an investment on your part, but make it known to her that you eventually want her to produce enough to be self sufficient and perhaps even to export. Shell continue to love you and pay off for you, and you wouln't have to feel guilty about divorcing her after all those years.

 

[Sneezing]

Make sure you BOTH still truly love each other. I guess you really have to communicate and talk about how you feel and how she feels.

Good luck. Hope things work out.

Hmmm... I once heard something that came from a couple pushing 50+ years of marriage. "A key component is making sure you don't both fall out of love at the same time."

I say the onous is on him to pick up the slack and get his marriage on track. She's gave gave gave.

 

[Patch80]

My wife has not seen a doctor yet to see if it's depression. I think I will suggest that to my wife tomorrow.

My wife always wanted to have kids while I was in medical school but I didn't think it was the right timing. I suggested we have kids while I'm a resident. Now she doesn't want kids anymore.

I do admit I had my bad days during the first few months of my Intern year. I came home and took my frustrations out on her. That behavior ended fairly quickly. Even during those times she wasn't nearly as bad as she is now.

I'm sorry I'm being a downer...I'm frustrated and seeking any advice I can get.

 

[that70sShow]

.

 

[NotAProgDirector]

My wife has not seen a doctor yet to see if it's depression. I think I will suggest that to my wife tomorrow.

This could easily backfire, suggesting that she is the problem. Perhaps she is, but she may not be ready to hear that.

I'd suggest urgent couples counseling. You want hre to know how important this relationship is to you. You should show her you are willing to do whatever it takes to try and get it back on track. Sometimes that means that you have to own the problem first, and then let her discover (through your joint counseling) that she is depressed and needs help.

 

[dragonfly99]

I think that is great advice, APD.
As a woman, I feel like telling someone he/she is depressed is like something a lot of guys do when they are frustrated. "We haven't been getting along, therefore YOU must be the problem". At least that's how it might sound to her.

And you are not being a downer, Patch. We're all here to try and help. Residency and fellowship can by trying to ANY relationship, no matter how strong it started out.

I'm also wondering that since you guys have been together since you were so young, maybe she's feeling like she never got a chance to find out who she is, independent from you. I mean, what has she been able to do except follow you around from place to place as you've been pursuing 5+ years of medical training (not even counting the premed years). Women get a lot of social pressure that we have to be nice and accommodating. Sometimes we have to carve out something for ourselves...I mean, how would you feel if you'd be hanging in there as the trusty companion for 5 or 10 years while she pursued her life's dream and you just kind of sat there, along for the ride. I'm not saying this is all your fault, I'm just saying....I wonder what her dreams are for her life, other than having some kids, which is definitely a worthy goal.

 

[Groove]

I truly wish you and your wife the best in trying to work things out.

I think one more thing worth mentioning, that might be an additional incentive to avoid divorce, is the distasteful matter of alimony and divorce settlings. I've read that the worst alimony arrangements in physician divorce involve situations where the spouse has supported them financially through medical school. Judges tend to view them as partially "owning" some of your lifetime earning power as a physician. This can make for very prolonged and painful payouts to the ex-wife. I'm by no means an expert on this topic and that hasn't been my personal experience, but it's just something else to think about before jumping head long into a divorce. I know it's perhaps a bad topic to bring up right now, but it's definitely something to think about. If you ever do find yourself headed for divorce despite your best efforts, find a very good lawyer.

I also agree that counseling is probably your best option right now. Good luck.

 

[raspberry009]

I still love her and I'm the one that suggested marriage counseling. Few weeks ago, we made an appointment to see a counseler. I showed up...she didn't. She's been a wonderful wife through the toughest times but now she's distant. I honestly don't think I would have come this far if she wasn't behind me supporting me all these years. At one point, I thought she was having an affair. I looked in her cell phone to see if there are unusual amounts of texts/calls. I didn't see anything that raised red flags so I quickly shrugged it off.

So I guess you two don't drive together? Did she forget? Try again! Next time, why not go pick her up and go together? My husband and I had to go through counseling during our first year. It took a lot of work. One of the things my husband started doing was helping with household chores, opening doors for me on date nights, taking out the chair for me to sit. He did things to show that he respected me. We started making dinner together, ect. These are just a few ideas. Keep working on it.

 

[wena17]

...

 

[MSSM2013]

I think that is great advice, APD.
As a woman, I feel like telling someone he/she is depressed is like something a lot of guys do when they are frustrated. "We haven't been getting along, therefore YOU must be the problem". At least that's how it might sound to her.

And you are not being a downer, Patch. We're all here to try and help. Residency and fellowship can by trying to ANY relationship, no matter how strong it started out.

I'm also wondering that since you guys have been together since you were so young, maybe she's feeling like she never got a chance to find out who she is, independent from you. I mean, what has she been able to do except follow you around from place to place as you've been pursuing 5+ years of medical training (not even counting the premed years). Women get a lot of social pressure that we have to be nice and accommodating. Sometimes we have to carve out something for ourselves...I mean, how would you feel if you'd be hanging in there as the trusty companion for 5 or 10 years while she pursued her life's dream and you just kind of sat there, along for the ride. I'm not saying this is all your fault, I'm just saying....I wonder what her dreams are for her life, other than having some kids, which is definitely a worthy goal.

my life goal.

1. 100 hours a week as a surgerical chair
2. stay at home husband married to some derm chick

there can be no in-betweens.

 

[cali-ob]

Patch any update?

 

[hallam]

I've been in your wife's shoes. I supported my ex-husband for 4 years while he did his PHD. We lived hand-to-mouth and barely got through. But the worst part was that he would take his stress out on me. He was angry, distant and often cruel for years, and, eventually, I checked out of the relationship emotionally. We tried therapy, but it was way too late.

From what you've said, it sounds like there is a bit of "water under the bridge" in your relationship, but that there is probably still time for you two to get back on track. I definitely would recommend that you two go to counseling, but, more importantly, your wife should get counseling on her own. She might not be comfortable expressing her feelings in front of you yet, and she needs to talk to someone.

I think it would be good for you to lovingly tell her you would like her to talk with a counselor on her own, if not with you, because you want her to be happy no matter what.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[kralwok]

this is not meant to be mean, but are you sure she doesn't want to still have kids? maybe she just doesn't want to have them with you?? medical school and residency are rough. if i were married to someone in medicine and were not in medicine myself, i would probably want out. it would be very scary seeing the future father of your children not very available to help raise kids, and also to see him come home angry from his time-consuming job. if you truly want to save the relationship, i agree with counseling. you need to communicate and you need to show your wife how much she means to you if you want to remain married.

 

[Patch80]

I'm sorry for the lack of updates...I've been unbelieveably busy the past few days.

My wife went on a mini-vacation with some of her friends from college. I told her to go on this vacation, relax, have fun, and clear her mind.

Hopefully when she comes back, she's willing to put more effort into making our marriage work.

 

[Patch80]

this is not meant to be mean, but are you sure she doesn't want to still have kids? maybe she just doesn't want to have them with you?? medical school and residency are rough. if i were married to someone in medicine and were not in medicine myself, i would probably want out. it would be very scary seeing the future father of your children not very available to help raise kids, and also to see him come home angry from his time-consuming job. if you truly want to save the relationship, i agree with counseling. you need to communicate and you need to show your wife how much she means to you if you want to remain married.

Yes I'm sure she doesn't want kids. When I was in med school, she loved going baby clothes shopping for her friends kids. She always talked about wanting to be a mother. There was no doubt in my mind that she would make a wonderful mother. I saw her interact with children during college and she's absolutely wonderful with kids.

Fastforward a few years...she doesn't even look at children. She doesn't like helping pick out baby clothes for her friends children. She doesn't talk about how we're going to change one of our rooms into a nursery anymore. She's not the same woman I married.

As I mentioned before, she is on a mini-vacation with her friends. I think she needs this time away from me...and hopefully she'll come back refreshed.

 

[toomuch]

well, patch if you don't mind the religious undertones and that kirk cameron is in it(one of his only hits by the way), I'd have to suggest renting the movie fireproof and seeing if it has anything for you there, else definitely tell your wife that counseling is important to you and separation or divorce is not something really acceptable to you

 

[psychforme]

Do you have any good trophy replacements?

 

[notinkansas]

I bet the issues you are having has a lot to do with your residency. Residency sucks and is harder on your loved ones than you probably give it credit for. She probably doesn't want to have kids now because your marriage is in trouble.

Don't bail out on your marriage without putting in some work to try to save it.

 

[Magnus2010]

I think you are making a mistake. Plus I think you are being kind of a wimp. I have read so many peoples "problems" on here and I often just shake my head and think about how weak so many are. Sorry its not easy and every day is not rainbows for you.

Get the book Divorce Remedy. First divorce is not a remedy. Divorce for 1st marriages is around 50% give or take and divorce for second marriages is around 60% give or take. You will take your problems with you into the second marriage most likely.

The book Divorce remedy lists a 7 step program for working through it : identifying what you want, how and when to ask for what you want, monitoring the results to determine if you are then actually getting what you want etc.

If she wants to divorce you (and if you want to she probably wants to), now is not the time to ask for what you want - its the time for helping her realize that she wants to still be married to you. The book also lists many common problems and how to deal with them : depression, internet obsession, affairs etc. But the authors premise is that it is usually better to stay married.

I cannot even begin to list the problems I face : being a witness now against a former employer for felonies committed at work , financially, health, etc etc. I am just beginning to show the tip of the ice berg. So you have grown apart - nut up and grow back together.

She supported you FIONANCIALLY through medical school and now you are thinking of ditching her because you two have some distance between you because you have to work 80+ horus a week. Seriously, unbelievable. I am not sure who told you it would be easy to maintain a relationship with all of that. She might even be depressed because she knows what you are thinking - if you have been married half a decade its likely she knows. She knows. Women are not dumb.

 

[RTrain]

I think you are making a mistake. Plus I think you are being kind of a wimp. I have read so many peoples "problems" on here and I often just shake my head and think about how weak so many are. Sorry its not easy and every day is not rainbows for you.

Get the book Divorce Remedy. First divorce is not a remedy. Divorce for 1st marriages is around 50% give or take and divorce for second marriages is around 60% give or take. You will take your problems with you into the second marriage most likely.

The book Divorce remedy lists a 7 step program for working through it : identifying what you want, how and when to ask for what you want, monitoring the results to determine if you are then actually getting what you want etc.

If she wants to divorce you (and if you want to she probably wants to), now is not the time to ask for what you want - its the time for helping her realize that she wants to still be married to you. The book also lists many common problems and how to deal with them : depression, internet obsession, affairs etc. But the authors premise is that it is usually better to stay married.

I cannot even begin to list the problems I face : being a witness now against a former employer for felonies committed at work , financially, health, etc etc. I am just beginning to show the tip of the ice berg. So you have grown apart - nut up and grow back together.

She supported you FIONANCIALLY through medical school and now you are thinking of ditching her because you two have some distance between you because you have to work 80+ horus a week. Seriously, unbelievable. I am not sure who told you it would be easy to maintain a relationship with all of that. She might even be depressed because she knows what you are thinking - if you have been married half a decade its likely she knows. She knows. Women are not dumb.

This is out of line. The OP isn't thinking of "ditching" his spouse. He has said he is grateful for what she sacrificed for him and he is motivated to continue his relationship - just not with someone who no longer loves him. He is identifying changes in her behavior toward him and asking for advice on how to deal with that.

This is 2009 and the idea that all marriages are worth saving and there are no good reasons for divorce is ludicrous. Once you have made a commitment to someone it is important to try to honor that, but everyone deserves to be in a loving relationship. The impression that I come away with is that the OP wants to remain in his marriage, but he is realistic about the possibility that he may not be able to. Recommending a book that might be useful for him to read is helpful, telling him to "nut up and grow back together" (unless you're his brother) is a big fat 👎.

 

[wena17]

I completely agree with the above post. What century are you living in, Magnus 2010?? Why should two people live under the same roof when they are clearly growing farther apart??

I think you guys should get counseling and if this doesn't work, just get a divorce. There's no point in staying in a relationship and both partners are miserable.

And the reason why she probably doesn't want any children is that it'll just complicate the relationship further. If the relationship is falling apart, why put children in the middle of it.

 

[notinkansas]

I completely agree with the above post. What century are you living in, Magnus 2010?? Why should two people live under the same roof when they are clearly growing farther apart??

Maybe part of the problem with today's society is that we don't take marriage as seriously as we used to. Maybe if the parties in 50% of marriages that end in divorce put more work into staying married, the divorce rate would be lower.

I'm not saying that all couples having problems should stay together no matter what. I also don't belive that fully 50% of all first marriages are unrepariable. There has to be something in between.

We live in a society that's falling apart, all of us busy and stressed out trying to chase more and more... working more and more hours to prepare for our careers and then particpiate in our careers. We buy more and more stuff we really don't need, and often don't even use as much as we thought we would. We rarely even have meaningful conversations any more, unterrupted by phones/TV/radio/email/text. Putting some time and effort into focusing on relationships would restore the emptiness in modern life, and probably save some marriages.

 

[Sneezing]

I think you are making a mistake. Plus I think you are being kind of a wimp. I have read so many peoples "problems" on here and I often just shake my head and think about how weak so many are. Sorry its not easy and every day is not rainbows for you.

Get the book Divorce Remedy. First divorce is not a remedy. Divorce for 1st marriages is around 50% give or take and divorce for second marriages is around 60% give or take. You will take your problems with you into the second marriage most likely.

The book Divorce remedy lists a 7 step program for working through it : identifying what you want, how and when to ask for what you want, monitoring the results to determine if you are then actually getting what you want etc.

If she wants to divorce you (and if you want to she probably wants to), now is not the time to ask for what you want - its the time for helping her realize that she wants to still be married to you. The book also lists many common problems and how to deal with them : depression, internet obsession, affairs etc. But the authors premise is that it is usually better to stay married.

I cannot even begin to list the problems I face : being a witness now against a former employer for felonies committed at work , financially, health, etc etc. I am just beginning to show the tip of the ice berg. So you have grown apart - nut up and grow back together.

She supported you FIONANCIALLY through medical school and now you are thinking of ditching her because you two have some distance between you because you have to work 80+ horus a week. Seriously, unbelievable. I am not sure who told you it would be easy to maintain a relationship with all of that. She might even be depressed because she knows what you are thinking - if you have been married half a decade its likely she knows. She knows. Women are not dumb.

This is good advice. 👍+1

 

[mercaptovizadeh]

I think you are making a mistake. Plus I think you are being kind of a wimp. I have read so many peoples "problems" on here and I often just shake my head and think about how weak so many are. Sorry its not easy and every day is not rainbows for you.

Get the book Divorce Remedy. First divorce is not a remedy. Divorce for 1st marriages is around 50% give or take and divorce for second marriages is around 60% give or take. You will take your problems with you into the second marriage most likely.

The book Divorce remedy lists a 7 step program for working through it : identifying what you want, how and when to ask for what you want, monitoring the results to determine if you are then actually getting what you want etc.

If she wants to divorce you (and if you want to she probably wants to), now is not the time to ask for what you want - its the time for helping her realize that she wants to still be married to you. The book also lists many common problems and how to deal with them : depression, internet obsession, affairs etc. But the authors premise is that it is usually better to stay married.

I cannot even begin to list the problems I face : being a witness now against a former employer for felonies committed at work , financially, health, etc etc. I am just beginning to show the tip of the ice berg. So you have grown apart - nut up and grow back together.

She supported you FIONANCIALLY through medical school and now you are thinking of ditching her because you two have some distance between you because you have to work 80+ horus a week. Seriously, unbelievable. I am not sure who told you it would be easy to maintain a relationship with all of that. She might even be depressed because she knows what you are thinking - if you have been married half a decade its likely she knows. She knows. Women are not dumb.

Maybe part of the problem with today's society is that we don't take marriage as seriously as we used to. Maybe if the parties in 50% of marriages that end in divorce put more work into staying married, the divorce rate would be lower.

I'm not saying that all couples having problems should stay together no matter what. I also don't belive that fully 50% of all first marriages are unrepariable. There has to be something in between.

We live in a society that's falling apart, all of us busy and stressed out trying to chase more and more... working more and more hours to prepare for our careers and then particpiate in our careers. We buy more and more stuff we really don't need, and often don't even use as much as we thought we would. We rarely even have meaningful conversations any more, unterrupted by phones/TV/radio/email/text. Putting some time and effort into focusing on relationships would restore the emptiness in modern life, and probably save some marriages.

Correct. I have not seen that easy divorce has made society any happier. The people who repeatedly divorce without good and concrete reason, are no happier in the next relationship. And the consequences on children can be devastating.

This is just my view, but unless you have a good reason - like physical abuse/sexual abuse of children, battery, adultery, spouse suddenly becomes gay/lesbian, etc., divorce "because there's no love" is pretty empty and pathetic.

Grow up. Work on your relationship as hard as you work at your career and you will have a thriving marriage. You put 80+ hours a week into your job because your superiors are flogging you along as their slave, or you are interested enough in the work to devote that much. How many hours a week do you devote to your wife? 5? 10? 30?

And please, get a sense of decency. After paying for your education and investing her own time, emotions, money, and patience, into you for YEARS, the least you owe her is a dedicated effort to mend the relationship and make sure that you are doing your utmost to be a good husband.

 

[Hockeyguy]

Dude I feel for you. I am going to tell you something you don't want to hear but likely already know. She is seeing someone else. Nobody just loses interest in someone overnight/overtime that they gave and sacrificed So much for. You probably neglected her a bit (like we all do) and she met someone else. She may be on vacation with him right now. I have seen it multiple times. The other huge red flag is someone going from kids to no kids overnight. Sorry man but I think you know this already.

 

[maceo]

thats brutal but she is ****ing someobody else. sucks.. i feel for you man

 

[Patch80]

My wife told me she wants to seperate last night. This is just the beginning of a long and dark road.

 

[Winged Scapula]

I'm sorry to hear that Patch80. I wish you the best in getting through this.

 

[sam1999]

My wife told me she wants to seperate last night. This is just the beginning of a long and dark road.

Sorry to hear about it. Did she tell you why now? Any way I hope you can make best out this situation.

 

[DrJD]

My wife told me she wants to seperate last night. This is just the beginning of a long and dark road.

So sorry to hear that Patch... I'd second what somebody said above and really try and emphasize to her that you shouldn't make a decision like this during residency, and especially internship. See if she'd be willing to try counseling until you get a year or two further a long.

I'm not sure how you and your wife feel about religion, if you aren't religious feel free to skip this suggestion. FamilyLife puts on weekends called "Weekend to Remember." I have personally seen these weekends save marriages that were far worse than yours, even those who were divorced years before. Something to consider if you guys are Christians.

Again sorry to hear this...

 

[Magnus2010]

My wife told me she wants to seperate last night. This is just the beginning of a long and dark road.

I am sorry to hear that. Do you think she is testing you to see what YOU really feel - to see if you walk away whistling or if you really want to stay. Some women want you to PROVE you love them.

Again I highly recommend THE DIVORCE REMEDY and if you have religious inclinations FIREPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE.

In your first post you wrote that YOU are considering divorce - in which case I place the onus on you to fix it. And if YOU are considering a divorce then I also think its not decent since she supported you financially - it leaves me feeling like she was used.

But... now you are saying she wants to seperate which I see as either : 1) she is testing you 2) she really does not want to be married to you - and in reality the person you have become (this is assuming she loved you when you got married). I am assuming she loved you big time since she worked TWO jobs to support you. So again it looks to me like she does not like the person you have become.

In either case I would recommend trying to fix it : a) figure out what you want, ask for what you want appropriately, monitor the results and so on if you use the DIVORCE REMEDY method b) do the 40 day challenge if you follow the advice in FIREPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE. Either way it is about what YOU do. And even if it ends it will help you in the future because it will help you be someone they want to stay married to (sorry to be harsh but if she REALLY wants out she does not want to stay married to you, which means you are not enticing to her).

2nd marriages end more often than 1st marriages - so I would not rush to find the next "Mrs. ex-Patch80". You could end up growing old with someone, if that is what you want.

I think you could still fix this, if you don't give up. But it does not sound like you have much fight left in you - you were considering divorce on the first post. You felt "guilty" about considering a divorce. I think you know you have a large part in this, and that part has been wrong. You knew she deserves more. Sorry to speak harshly, but I think its good to hear it.

I feel bad. I hope you work it out. If you "wanted" a divorce like you yourself wrote in your first post - I gaurantee it, when you move out you will soon regret it. You will soon move on probably, find some new love interests, but you will find divorce is no remedy. Sounds to me like you had a keeper - I mean seriously, worked 2 jobs for you. If she still gave oral when residency started (after what.... 6 years of relationship), you had a keeper.

 

[DrJD]

I mean seriously, worked 2 jobs for you. If she still gave oral when residency started (after what.... 6 years of relationship), you had a keeper.

That was a great post Magnus, I agreed with everything you had to say. When I got to this part, I literally laughed out loud, I'm still laughing actually, nice...

Seriously though, divorce never helps, and it is never too late. Hope everything is going as well as it can!

 

[Substance]

I don't understand why everyone is so gung-ho about "saving the marriage" and being all heroic about it.

People fall out of their lovers' swoon all the time. With the personal freedom that modern society allows, we've come to realize it happens more often than not. There's no shame in ending a bad relationship. It may have been good, but it's bad now. There's no sense in looking back.

If you want a divorce, and you are really certain that you would be far happier as a bachelor, then get one. Your life's your own, so live it your way. Just be sure to be legally smart about it.

 

[Red Beard]

Well, sounds like you can try counseling if you are both into giving it a shot, or else its a clean break. Win-win situation. Glad you didn't have kids!

 

[mauvespice]

My wife told me she wants to seperate last night. This is just the beginning of a long and dark road.

Sorry to hear that. Hope whatever transpires is best for both of you.

 

[sam1999]

This is a very interesting article about alimony and how it can bite you years after divorce in some states. I hope you are not living in one of these states.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703399204574505700448957522.html?mod=relevancy

 

[Excelsius]

Hmmm... I once heard something that came from a couple pushing 50+ years of marriage. "A key component is making sure you don't both fall out of love at the same time."

I say the onous is on him to pick up the slack and get his marriage on track. She's gave gave gave.

The best piece of information is above; however, I don't think most people understand its meaning: In my experience, relationships represent a sine wave. Not only that, but each partner has a separate sine wave. When two people really care about each other, during time of trouble the two sine waves lose synchronization in time, but they still retain their shape. So what does this mean? When one person is at the lower end of the amplitude, the other person is at the higher end of the amplitude and makes a lot of effort to pull his/her partner up again. Then this same can happen in reverse when the other partner is down. I don't think anyone is always in a perfect happy state and always synchronized with his/her SO. Our troubles is what makes us unique and fighting is not necessarily bad for relationship dynamics. It can bring you closer and builds character.

Your wife is at her lower amplitude right now. She has supported you for many years, signifying a high level of love and commitment to you. In contrast, it seems that your graph has been an exponential decay, leaving your wife hopeless and questioning her role in your life. Your mistake was to not make a significant amount of effort to bring your wife up in her time of trouble. I did not see you write anything resembling an effort here, other than paying someone to fix the problem for you and asking your wife to meet you there to get it fixed. I don't know if it is too late already, but maybe you can try to give it another shot.

Also, be cautious. If your SO is a very good individual, smart, and attractive, your breakup can easily precipitate when she constantly sees others trying to win her affection and caring for her whereas her own husband not only doesn't pay enough attention, but also releases his frustrations on her. A healthy sexual relationship is of paramount importance as well.

I obviously don't know all the details, but form what you have said here, I think the failure of the marriage in this case is your responsibility. I would try to buy a bunch of flowers and invite her to a romantic dinner. You should step up to the plate - acknowledge and apologize for all your mistakes. Do the best you can. If you really care about her, you have nothing to lose in your efforts.

 

[PhakeDoc]

]Be a man and step up to the plate - acknowledge and apologize for all your mistakes.

I think you meant to say is be a HUman since gender here is irrelevant. It would be the same case if the OP was female and the SO was male. I totally agree with your sine wave analogy (I've oft used that same comparison before) - how truly geeky!