I would love some input on my "diversity" essay

[Bluesmurf314]

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I feel like it's a laundry list... any advice would be greatly appreciated!

At the University of Michigan Medical School, we are committed to building a superb educational community with students of diverse talents, experiences, opinions, and backgrounds. What would you as an individual bring to our medical school community? Do not exceed 1500 characters (about 250 words).




In approximately five years when I hope to complete my medical degree, it will be the final step towards my dream of becoming a doctor. It surely won't be the only one I've taken. Throughout my education, I have made many small steps in medicine. Starting as a monthly nursing home volunteer in high school, my next step was to volunteer weekly for a year in a hospital. I then was hired as a nursing assistant, eventually advancing to be an MRI assistant and finally a preceptor. At the same time, I satisfied my scientific curiosity with positions as a research assistant in two labs, leading me to earn a full-time summer fellowship position. The time I spent in these varied medical settings has given me a unique perspective of medicine, in particular a view of the many levels of the health care team as an essential unit – the sum of many parts. It is this cross-sectional view of medicine that I would bring to the community at the University of Michigan Medical School. As I climbed the figurative ladder in both the clinical and research settings, I gained a new perspective with every step, ultimately leading me to understand medicine from many different angles. I now know the importance of each small discovery in the research world, as well as the value of a skillful blood draw to a hospitalized patient. My diverse experiences in the medical field have combined to give me a broad perspective of medicine – a cross-sectional view – that will allow me to contribute to the rich community at the University of Michigan.

 

[Phoenix.]

I feel like it's a laundry list... any advice would be greatly appreciated!

At the University of Michigan Medical School, we are committed to building a superb educational community with students of diverse talents, experiences, opinions, and backgrounds. What would you as an individual bring to our medical school community? Do not exceed 1500 characters (about 250 words).




In approximately five years when I hope to complete my medical degree, it will be the final step towards my dream of becoming a doctor. It surely won't be the only one I've taken. Throughout my education, I have made many small steps in medicine. Starting as a monthly nursing home volunteer in high school, my next step was to volunteer weekly for a year in a hospital. I then was hired as a nursing assistant, eventually advancing to be an MRI assistant and finally a preceptor. At the same time, I satisfied my scientific curiosity with positions as a research assistant in two labs, leading me to earn a full-time summer fellowship position. The time I spent in these varied medical settings has given me a unique perspective of medicine, in particular a view of the many levels of the health care team as an essential unit – the sum of many parts. It is this cross-sectional view of medicine that I would bring to the community at the University of Michigan Medical School. As I climbed the figurative ladder in both the clinical and research settings, I gained a new perspective with every step, ultimately leading me to understand medicine from many different angles. I now know the importance of each small discovery in the research world, as well as the value of a skillful blood draw to a hospitalized patient. My diverse experiences in the medical field have combined to give me a broad perspective of medicine – a cross-sectional view – that will allow me to contribute to the rich community at the University of Michigan.

I think that holistically it's good. But if you want some constructive criticism, I'd suggest a more concise and direct intro. More specifically, the first three sentences could really be merged into a more direct intro sentence. It wasn't until I got to "The time I spent," that I saw where you were going with this. I think that you should give some hint of the direction of this essay in the first sentence. And maybe re-write the "laundry list" a little to demonstrate more than just to list the jobs. Also, the last sentence struck me as a little repetitive - maybe knock out your use of cross-sectional here. Otherwise, I thought it was good. Good luck!

 

[154241]

I agree with phoenix1--great idea but it took me a little while to figure out where you were going. At first it just sounded like a recap of clinical EC's, and I think those can be condensed so it doesn't overwhelm the essay. I like the idea that you have seen medicine at all levels.

 

[MahSpoon]

Totally agree with what phoenix said
In the first few sentences I was thinking "Ok...medcial experience, how is that unique?" Towards the end I saw your point but the essay puts you in a defensive position where you had to change my mind. You could have a better topic sentence that covers what you will be talking. I think the idea is sound overall.

 

[physiclas87]

I tend to be very critical and can come off mean, so, to save you all that, I'll just say that you must completely rethink the question and start again.

 

[Phoenix.]

I tend to be very critical and can come off mean, so, to save you all that, I'll just say that you must completely rethink the question and start again.

Perhaps if you're sitting on the admissions committee at U of M, you'd be right. But since you're not, it's all conjecture. I doubt that this essay alone will make or break an applicant unless it's hideously written and/or demonstrates that they didn't even write their own personal statement. Have a nice evening, Ebenezer.

 

[maestro1625]

how did I know this involved UMich before ever clicking on the thread...?

 

[Bluesmurf314]

Thanks for your input, all, it was exactly what I was looking for. Cutting that intro down will make it easier for me to stay under the character limit too. 👍

 

[EyeballLove]

I feel like it's a laundry list... any advice would be greatly appreciated!

At the University of Michigan Medical School, we are committed to building a superb educational community with students of diverse talents, experiences, opinions, and backgrounds. What would you as an individual bring to our medical school community? Do not exceed 1500 characters (about 250 words).




In approximately five years when I hope to complete my medical degree, it will be the final step towards my dream of becoming a doctor. It surely won't be the only one I've taken. Throughout my education, I have made many small steps in medicine. Starting as a monthly nursing home volunteer in high school, my next step was to volunteer weekly for a year in a hospital. I then was hired as a nursing assistant, eventually advancing to be an MRI assistant and finally a preceptor. At the same time, I satisfied my scientific curiosity with positions as a research assistant in two labs, leading me to earn a full-time summer fellowship position. The time I spent in these varied medical settings has given me a unique perspective of medicine, in particular a view of the many levels of the health care team as an essential unit – the sum of many parts. It is this cross-sectional view of medicine that I would bring to the community at the University of Michigan Medical School. As I climbed the figurative ladder in both the clinical and research settings, I gained a new perspective with every step, ultimately leading me to understand medicine from many different angles. I now know the importance of each small discovery in the research world, as well as the value of a skillful blood draw to a hospitalized patient. My diverse experiences in the medical field have combined to give me a broad perspective of medicine – a cross-sectional view – that will allow me to contribute to the rich community at the University of Michigan.

I always see secondaries as a way for you to tell the admission committee something more about yourself that you haven't already said in your primary. I'm not saying that your clinical experiences are bad, but I'm sure you have already mentioned those in AMCAS. How about trying to talk about other aspects of yourself? Background? Where you grew up? etc etc. I agree with what others have said. When I first started reading your essay, I had the feeling that you didn't answer the question. It might be better if you switch the order around--talk about why you would bring diversity to the campus, and then go back to those experiences you talked about at the beginning of your essay. Just my two cents 🙂

 

[PeepshowJohnny]

how did I know this involved UMich before ever clicking on the thread...?

My favorite thing about UMich was when I interviewed there, one of their higher ups came in and gave us the "diversity" talk and gave us their "Ministry of Truth" version of how their program to build diversity was vindicated in the Supreme Court. That's not how I remember it happening 🙂

 

[midn]

I agree with the previous posters. Don't list all your extracurriculars because all that information is available on your AMCAS application. You never really answer the question by the way.

If this essay is optional, I don't think it's really necessary to do it unless you have something very unique to say. Focus on your most unique experiences if you have to.

The essay is very well written though.

 

[Bluesmurf314]

how did I know this involved UMich before ever clicking on the thread...?

Haha, maybe the diversity bit. Are you headed to UMMS yourself?

 

[boardem101]

I feel like it's a laundry list... any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Good writing, but I don't think you show how you're diverse. There will be plenty of applicatants who have various medical experiences. Why not focus on some of your other hobbies (I see from mdapplicants that you're into music and sports). If you intend on doing the medical prospective ('cross-sectional') thing, get away from listing and focus in on what you gained, how your experiences have impacted you, your future ambitions, etc.

 

[riceman04]

I tend to be very critical and can come off mean, so, to save you all that, I'll just say that you must completely rethink the question and start again.

👎thumbdown👎

 

[Bluesmurf314]

I tend to be very critical and can come off mean, so, to save you all that, I'll just say that you must completely rethink the question and start again.

Hmmm.... after further consideration and seeing that I really didn't share anything new I'm taking a whole new spin on this question as suggested - my understanding of leadership in the medical team based on my experiences leading sports teams and in my choir... we'll see how this works out 🙂

 

[Jolie South]

Good idea! Not that it was badly written, but I just don't see how presenting things that every pre-med does could add to diversity. Also, I'd stay away from the phrase "cross-sectional view."

Sorry to be harsh.

 

[maestro1625]

Haha, maybe the diversity bit. Are you headed to UMMS yourself?

nah, I just worked for UMMS for the past few years. But they've been pumping the "diversity" in every one of their applications (including undergrad, law, etc) since 2004...I disagreed with prop 2, but after a while it all starts to look like politicizing.

 

[Bluesmurf314]

Good idea! Not that it was badly written, but I just don't see how presenting things that every pre-med does could add to diversity. Also, I'd stay away from the phrase "cross-sectional view."

Sorry to be harsh.

Yep, I was a little iffy about presenting med-oriented stuff too, but it used to be the best idea I had. As for "cross sectional view" I never really liked it either but I needed a "sound byte." So, not harsh... useful 👍

 

[87138]

Yep, I was a little iffy about presenting med-oriented stuff too, but it used to be the best idea I had. As for "cross sectional view" I never really liked it either but I needed a "sound byte." So, not harsh... useful 👍

I'm interested to see how your essay evolved in its second incarnation.

 

[TheRealMD]

I agree with the previous posters. Don't list all your extracurriculars because all that information is available on your AMCAS application. You never really answer the question by the way.

If this essay is optional, I don't think it's really necessary to do it unless you have something very unique to say. Focus on your most unique experiences if you have to.

The essay is very well written though.

I would never consider a diversity essay to be an optional essay. It's pretty much the one time you can be different from everyone else since your PS is merely a rehash that says why you want to be a doctor.

 

[inaminute]

That essay is one you secretly begin with "I may be an upper-middle-class white boy, but lemme tell you why I'm not like the rest of em..."

 

[musiclink213]

I think when I wrote my diversity essays, it was basically, A lot of people have the same major, similar grades, honors, etc. But I am the only one who can do so and so and nobody else does teh same things as me.

 

[EagerToBeMD]

I think when I wrote my diversity essays, it was basically, A lot of people have the same major, similar grades, honors, etc. But I am the only one who can do so and so and nobody else does teh same things as me.

How do you do that without it coming off like you're bragging? This is the way I'd like to handle these questions, but every time I think of an answer, it sounds like I'm just full of myself.

 

[MDrunner]

I think you are making a good decision to talk about how your role in sports and choir gives you a unique perspective. I mean we all have clinical and research experience, but what makes you stand out. I am also applying to U of M..so I will be answering this essay too! I think I am going to discuss the different roles I have played in life (daughter, sister, military spouse, mother) and how each role has affected my perspective in life and career. I think this is just a great time to let them get to know the "real" you outside of all the medical and research work!

 

[musiclink213]

How do you do that without it coming off like you're bragging? This is the way I'd like to handle these questions, but every time I think of an answer, it sounds like I'm just full of myself.

You want them to see what it is that makes you unique, talking about yourself like that is basically bragging. I wish I still had my essays, but I pretty much trashed everything after I got accepted. I don't think I talked about any earth shattering thing either, just about how I like ice skating and cooking and some other stuff, or something like that. It's a fine line, but i never got any negative comments on it from my interviewers. I doubt theyeven read them.