In med school but dating outside? Could really use your advice!

[DanielBoone]

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I was wondering if anyone who is currently in medical school but dating someone in an unrelated field could help me out. Three months ago, a girl I had been dating for almost four years ended our relationship after her first year of medical school. Admittedly, it was a very difficult year for both of us and I think we both made the mistake of trying to be too attached throughout the year and spend every minute together. She had decided taht I needed someone who wasn't so headstrong and with a more flexible schedule. I maintain that it was my error in judgement with regards to being glued at the hip that drove us both to the point of wanting to kill each other. For the last three months we havn't talked, but had diner last night and I expressed that I think that abruptly ending our relationship the way that we did was a mistake and tried to apologize for a lot of the things that I think led to our demise. Now, I have the difficult task of making her realize that I want her to have her own life, and me to have mine but at the same time still be together. If anyone has any ideas on how you can maintain a successful relationship this way I would really appreciate it!

 

[alison_in_oh]

If I had to guess, I'd say that the vast majority of medical students with significant others are involved with people outside of the medical field. It happens successfully every day, but relationships are also damaged and broken all too frequently.

Medical relationships aren't easy, as medical training is difficult and demanding, leaving very little time and energy for the average person to use to sustain a healthy relationship. The person in training finds it easy to get a one-track perspective and to shut out those who don't experience the same intensity of daily life. The person relegated to "support function" ends up feeling used and underappreciated.

If she's in second year, she'll be studying for board exams...then come clerkships, which sometimes have extraordinary and heartless schedules...fourth year sounds easier (we're not there yet) but is quickly followed by PGY-1/internship which sounds like the hardest of all.

As far as I know, the *only* way to have a relationship in the midst of all this hardship is precisely what you suggest. Have your life. Let her have hers. When you can make time together, enjoy it. Give of yourself to support her and make her life easier, but don't be afraid to expect some sacrifices in return -- for her to condense her study time and block out some "together time", or for her to think of you and give you a call or meet you for lunch when she can.

If the two of you are really compatible, you can make this work despite medical school. But if things start into a downward spiral, which I fear they might, since the way she called it off the first time rings alarm bells for me, be prepared to try something new. Stay with her because you love her and you think you'll be able to help each other show your strong points and shore up each other's weak points for the rest of your lives. Not because you've got time invested in the relationship or something.

Best wishes from a happily married non-medical wife to a MS-3. 🙂

 

[Celiac Plexus]

Sounds like you still really dig this woman... so... normally I would say, let her go. It's only gonna get worse time-wise for her.

Relationships in the medical foeld require a certain, um, "understanding" that a lot of people don't have experience with. If you really love this woman, and the reason you guys broke up was because of realtionship stress, and not because she is hanging out with someone else... then take the stress off the relationship.

Just let her do her thing, and let you do your thing. Keep in touch, and hang out when it's convenient for you both. Don't be clingy, or place any demands on her. If you can do this, then that might be a way for you to maintain your friendship with her.

The truth is that you probably will not get "back together", but if you really love her, and you want to stay friends, then just back off and keep things light. Friendship is the most important thing. (in my humble opinion)

Good luck.