Is starting a family now a terrible idea?

[nikitriki92]

I know it sounds crazy, but I have convinced myself that I am ready to start trying for kids. Everyone says that "there is never a good time to have a baby" during this career, unless I wait until after residency, when I would be almost 35. I'm not sure that health-wise I would like to wait that long, since I do have some health issues. I am an OMS I, happily married, mid-late twenties. I have been in school almost 12 weeks, which is not long, I know. So far all of my exams have gone well and I feel like my study habits are developing well - I treat school like an 8-6 job and then pretty much focus on home life after that, except for during exams. My husband works from home (for the time being) and his job is pretty flexible.

I don't want to sound like I believe that it will be "easy" - I know it will be extremely difficult to manage med school and a baby. And I also realize pregnancy may not happen according to my timeline, unfortunately. If things go perfectly according to this plan I have in my head, then I would give birth during the summer between first and second year and then be able to start with my class again for year 2.

Here are my thoughts -

1. I would much rather be pregnant/sleep deprived/breast-feeding when I am in school, sitting in lecture or watching lectures at home than during rotations/residency when there are strict schedules and active/physical work demands.
   
   
2. Currently my commute to school is 10 minutes. During rotations in 3rd/4th year I will much likely have to commute much further to my rotation sites... most likely around 45 minutes, which would be easier with an older infant/toddler than with a newborn.
   
   
3. My husband's job is currently from home and he can take breaks throughout the day... maybe not take care of a child full time but at least it is flexible. We are also financially stable for the time being.
   
   
4. If I had a child soon, he/she would be a little older by the time I start rotations (hopefully sleeping through the night?) and around preschool age by the time I start residency, which is a plus.
   
   
5. One huge negative is that we don't have family in the area. They are several states away, but my parents travel easily, and we will be able to afford some type of child care (although I'm not sure what it would be... any advice on this?)
   
   
6. If god forbid anything goes wrong health-wise, there is always the option to defer a year. I don't know how it would work if I waited and this happened during clinical years or residency.

Am I insane? Thanks for any advice you can give me... feel free to tell me that I am making a huge mistake! I would love to hear some of your experiences.

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[Spectreman]

I’m married with many kids including a baby, starting second year.
Not insane, but you need to convince your mom or someone like that to come live with you because you will struggle big time with getting anything done - study wise.
First kid is the hardest, but everyone has different capacities obviously. Biggest thing is you need help and work from home husband occasionally able to take breaks is not sufficient. Med school only gets exponentially harder and more time consuming.

Best of luck.

 

[BorntobeDO?]

I know it sounds crazy, but I have convinced myself that I am ready to start trying for kids. Everyone says that "there is never a good time to have a baby" during this career, unless I wait until after residency, when I would be almost 35. I'm not sure that health-wise I would like to wait that long, since I do have some health issues. I am an OMS I, happily married, mid-late twenties. I have been in school almost 12 weeks, which is not long, I know. So far all of my exams have gone well and I feel like my study habits are developing well - I treat school like an 8-6 job and then pretty much focus on home life after that, except for during exams. My husband works from home (for the time being) and his job is pretty flexible.

I don't want to sound like I believe that it will be "easy" - I know it will be extremely difficult to manage med school and a baby. And I also realize pregnancy may not happen according to my timeline, unfortunately. If things go perfectly according to this plan I have in my head, then I would give birth during the summer between first and second year and then be able to start with my class again for year 2.

Here are my thoughts -

1. I would much rather be pregnant/sleep deprived/breast-feeding when I am in school, sitting in lecture or watching lectures at home than during rotations/residency when there are strict schedules and active/physical work demands.
   
   
2. Currently my commute to school is 10 minutes. During rotations in 3rd/4th year I will much likely have to commute much further to my rotation sites... most likely around 45 minutes, which would be easier with an older infant/toddler than with a newborn.
   
   
3. My husband's job is currently from home and he can take breaks throughout the day... maybe not take care of a child full time but at least it is flexible. We are also financially stable for the time being.
   
   
4. If I had a child soon, he/she would be a little older by the time I start rotations (hopefully sleeping through the night?) and around preschool age by the time I start residency, which is a plus.
   
   
5. One huge negative is that we don't have family in the area. They are several states away, but my parents travel easily, and we will be able to afford some type of child care (although I'm not sure what it would be... any advice on this?)
   
   
6. If god forbid anything goes wrong health-wise, there is always the option to defer a year. I don't know how it would work if I waited and this happened during clinical years or residency.

Am I insane? Thanks for any advice you can give me... feel free to tell me that I am making a huge mistake! I would love to hear some of your experiences.

Timing is everything. Summer first year is about as good as it gets till last semester. I personally would not want to interview pregnant. If its first kid its a bit of a risk to go long, but some people, like my wife, didnt. Hope you have good support, cause that is extra important in med school. If your spouse is working this will probably be very difficult. But you will make it.

 

[Staphylococcus Aureus]

Preclerkship is a very underrated time to have kids, I would go for it. Talk to your school or upperclassmen about options, depending on if you want to take a year off.

 

[Goro]

I know it sounds crazy, but I have convinced myself that I am ready to start trying for kids. Everyone says that "there is never a good time to have a baby" during this career, unless I wait until after residency, when I would be almost 35. I'm not sure that health-wise I would like to wait that long, since I do have some health issues. I am an OMS I, happily married, mid-late twenties. I have been in school almost 12 weeks, which is not long, I know. So far all of my exams have gone well and I feel like my study habits are developing well - I treat school like an 8-6 job and then pretty much focus on home life after that, except for during exams. My husband works from home (for the time being) and his job is pretty flexible.

I don't want to sound like I believe that it will be "easy" - I know it will be extremely difficult to manage med school and a baby. And I also realize pregnancy may not happen according to my timeline, unfortunately. If things go perfectly according to this plan I have in my head, then I would give birth during the summer between first and second year and then be able to start with my class again for year 2.

Here are my thoughts -

1. I would much rather be pregnant/sleep deprived/breast-feeding when I am in school, sitting in lecture or watching lectures at home than during rotations/residency when there are strict schedules and active/physical work demands.
   
   
2. Currently my commute to school is 10 minutes. During rotations in 3rd/4th year I will much likely have to commute much further to my rotation sites... most likely around 45 minutes, which would be easier with an older infant/toddler than with a newborn.
   
   
3. My husband's job is currently from home and he can take breaks throughout the day... maybe not take care of a child full time but at least it is flexible. We are also financially stable for the time being.
   
   
4. If I had a child soon, he/she would be a little older by the time I start rotations (hopefully sleeping through the night?) and around preschool age by the time I start residency, which is a plus.
   
   
5. One huge negative is that we don't have family in the area. They are several states away, but my parents travel easily, and we will be able to afford some type of child care (although I'm not sure what it would be... any advice on this?)
   
   
6. If god forbid anything goes wrong health-wise, there is always the option to defer a year. I don't know how it would work if I waited and this happened during clinical years or residency.

Am I insane? Thanks for any advice you can give me... feel free to tell me that I am making a huge mistake! I would love to hear some of your experiences.

There's no good time to start a family until you're Professor Emeritus. So go ahead and get it out of the way now.

 

[hallowmann]

There are two times to aim for kids where I could see it being more manageable: 1. Now, get pregnant in the next couple months, and 2. getting pregnant a bit after the beginning of 4th year (could probably hide showing while on interviews, yet still have the baby before intern year.

You are right that there's no good time to have a baby. That said, there are certain times that will be much harder. 2nd year is not a good time. 3rd might be OK. Intern year seems, especially the first half feels like a terrible idea to me.

Agree with above that you will need a lot of help from outside. Your husband working from home with some flexibility will absolutely not be enough. Having a baby is a full-time job.

This will easily be one of the hardest things you do.

 

[FoodMedGirl]

I'm 35, a mom of 3 (including a 4 month old). I'm on here trying to find someone in my shoes as I've been accepted to med school and deferred til next year. I'm still trying to figure out if it's possible to do it with 3 kids. Having raised 3 kids, and knowing what I know about the most challenging times of kids and med school, I think you should aim to get pregnant like NOW or wait til later in your residency. You need a good 3-4 months to really be back to yourself mentally. But you can totally do it. Just setup lots of support in the beginning. Happy to offer more advice if it's helpful.

 

[sunshinefl]

2. getting pregnant a bit after the beginning of 4th year (could probably hide showing while on interviews, yet still have the baby before intern year.

This is my goal. (Current 2nd year)

 

[libertyyne]

Sleep is important for studying.


You arent even 30 yet. In your shoes I would wait till 4th year to have a child when you have your boards and difficult tests out of the way or during residency.

 

[Instatewaiter]

Starting a family is never a good time in medical education. First 2 years are easier than later. Just time it so you're not at the end of your pregnancy near your steps

 

[ciestar]

This is my goal. (Current 2nd year)

Yeah I am kind of there too. Only I am a third year and my fourth year technically starts in May of 2019.

 

[FistLength]

Now is probably the best time. The earlier the better, that was the advice my mentors gave me (we now have 2 kids, and I am an intern). Have no regrets, very happy with the decision. It is harder for you since you are the female. I will echo what Spectreman said, if you can have family live with you for help when you need it, you will be set.

 

[PygmyPuff]

I say go for it!

I am a first year, married, with one daughter.

I would much rather be pregnant/sleep deprived/breast-feeding when I am in school, sitting in lecture or watching lectures at home than during rotations/residency when there are strict schedules and active/physical work demands.

The only thing I would say here is that you don't know how your pregnancy is going to play out. You could be very ill, which sounds not so bad... but in reality it can be very bad for your ability to function and learn effectively. But really, this would be a concern no matter when you decide to start a family so it's unlikely to deter you.

My husband's job is currently from home and he can take breaks throughout the day... maybe not take care of a child full time but at least it is flexible. We are also financially stable for the time being.

My husband works from home also. LIFE SAVER. He does dinners, laundry, makes lunches (for me and the baby), picks up the baby from the nanny's house, does dinner and bath with her. Basically, he does everything so that I can focus on studying, spending time with the baby, and spending time with him. Make sure your husband is prepared to really step up. I have some friends with not so great husbands who are also in med school and they are really struggling to balance everything and their grades suffer.

If I had a child soon, he/she would be a little older by the time I start rotations (hopefully sleeping through the night?) and around preschool age by the time I start residency, which is a plus.

We did sleep training with our daughter and she slept through the night by 12 weeks. It was hands-down the best thing for her and for us. I would recommend looking into some form of sleep-coaching/training (even if it's just something as simple as a consistent routine without any crying or independent sleep training) so you can establish good habits. With a healthy, term baby with appropriate weight gain, there's no reason your baby should be waking in the night by the time you start rotations which would put the baby around one year old.

One huge negative is that we don't have family in the area. They are several states away, but my parents travel easily, and we will be able to afford some type of child care (although I'm not sure what it would be... any advice on this?)

We moved for medical school and left both of our families behind. It is hard but we have found a great nanny who loves our baby girl and we are able to manage it financially. It was much more affordable than day care and a better environment for sleep which for us is super important because if our little one doesn't nap well during the day, she is up randomly in the night which just is not an option with everything we all have going on.

If god forbid anything goes wrong health-wise, there is always the option to defer a year. I don't know how it would work if I waited and this happened during clinical years or residency.

This is a concern at any point in your life. God forbid you or your baby have a life-threatening or life-ending complication--life would stop for you, no matter what you have going on. I wouldn't think about this too much.

Best of luck to you!!

 

[AMEHigh]

If you have the finances, then yes go for it.

I think med school is definitely way more flexible than residency, so take advantage of that while you can. During med school if you have a difficult pregnancy/post partum period it’ll be much easier to take time off than during residency. There are certain restrictions about taking time off/missing consecutive months of training for residency/sitting for boards depending on your specialty. I wouldn’t want that extra stress during residency.

Plenty of people have kids during med school and also take time off if need and it works out just fine.

 

[maxinia]

Right now is about your best time, the school years gets more demanding from this point on. Unless you're going for peds or fam med then you're a bit more free.

 

[Greekfire]

I look at it this way, there's no good time to go to med school, so you might as well do it while you are starting a family. Life is about more than your future job.

 

[Lexdiamondz]

Sleep is important for studying.


You arent even 30 yet. In your shoes I would wait till 4th year to have a child when you have your boards and difficult tests out of the way or during residency.

I mean, Residency is much harder to manage with an infant than it is with a 4 year old who will be in school 5d/week.

 

[libertyyne]

I mean, Residency is much harder to manage with an infant than it is with a 4 year old who will be in school 5d/week.

Sure you have to take ITEs but the stakes and frequency are probably not equivalent to step 1 or failing a medical school class considering you are already in residency.

 

[Lexdiamondz]

Sure you have to take ITEs but the stakes and frequency are probably not equivalent to step 1 or failing a medical school class considering you are already in residency.

You're only thinking of academics. The day to day struggles of having a child in residency are vastly different to those of medical school.

As a med student if you have to miss a day because your kid is sick, etc its not a big deal at all - you're non-essential personnel and while you might get dinged for it grades-wise, its not really inconveniencing anyone that much, and the likelihood of you actually failing a medical school block or failing Step 1 for general parenting-related reasons is really pretty low.

On the contrary, as a resident you're working 80 ish hours a week and likely wont see your family as much as you like at baseline - should you need to miss work for any family-related reason that means someone else (who is also already working 80h a week at baseline ) now needs to work harder to cover for you. If you need to miss extra months those months get tacked onto your total residency training time, which makes scheduling blocks difficult for subsequent resident classes down the line.

 

[libertyyne]

You're only thinking of academics. The day to day struggles of having a child in residency are vastly different to those of medical school.

As a med student if you have to miss a day because your kid is sick, etc its not a big deal at all - you're non-essential personnel and while you might get dinged for it grades-wise, its not really inconveniencing anyone that much, and the likelihood of you actually failing a medical school block or failing Step 1 for general parenting-related reasons is really pretty low.

On the contrary, as a resident you're working 80 ish hours a week and likely wont see your family as much as you like at baseline - should you need to miss work for any family-related reason that means someone else (who is also already working 80h a week at baseline ) now needs to work harder to cover for you. If you need to miss extra months those months get tacked onto your total residency training time, which makes scheduling blocks difficult for subsequent resident classes down the line.

I'm not disagreeing with anything you say. Our risk benefit interpretations are different though. Not getting the residency I want or failing out of medical school altogether are worse outcomes to me compared to having to spend an extra year in residency because of scheduling issues. I know for my first child I didn't sleep for more than a few hours for 9 months. I would have failed an exam or two and would have definitely done worse on step.

Some other aspects although minor are having good insurance with a job having money to pay for childcare or child related items.

 

[Stagg737]

There are two times to aim for kids where I could see it being more manageable: 1. Now, get pregnant in the next couple months, and 2. getting pregnant a bit after the beginning of 4th year (could probably hide showing while on interviews, yet still have the baby before intern year.

You are right that there's no good time to have a baby. That said, there are certain times that will be much harder. 2nd year is not a good time. 3rd might be OK. Intern year seems, especially the first half feels like a terrible idea to me.

Agree with above that you will need a lot of help from outside. Your husband working from home with some flexibility will absolutely not be enough. Having a baby is a full-time job.

This will easily be one of the hardest things you do.

Agree. M1 and M4 are the best times to have a kid imo. M1 because all you really have to do is pass and you won't be interfering with boards study time that much. M4 was a joke after audition rotations. Having a kind in March of M4 is ideal as you'll basically have 3 months of really laid back scheduling (or vacation) to get organized before residency. This was what my wife and I were aiming for and it didn't quite work out.

To the bolded, yes. It is a very terrible idea. Working a 95 hour week in addition to raising a newborn (and having to recover physically if you're female) is not conducive to anything beneficial. Speaking from (current) experience.

I'm 35, a mom of 3 (including a 4 month old). I'm on here trying to find someone in my shoes as I've been accepted to med school and deferred til next year. I'm still trying to figure out if it's possible to do it with 3 kids. Having raised 3 kids, and knowing what I know about the most challenging times of kids and med school, I think you should aim to get pregnant like NOW or wait til later in your residency. You need a good 3-4 months to really be back to yourself mentally. But you can totally do it. Just setup lots of support in the beginning. Happy to offer more advice if it's helpful.

Doing medical school with kids is very doable. I had classmates with as many as 7 or 8 kids who did just fine. Granted, they didn't end up in anything like ortho or neurosurg, but some of them ended up in fields like radiology and gen surg, so certainly possible. There was one person in the class above me with 11 kids. Also depends on how much outside help you're getting though. If you've got family nearby who can help a lot it makes a HUGE difference. If it's just you and your spouse (or worse, just you) then it's a completely different experience.

Sure you have to take ITEs but the stakes and frequency are probably not equivalent to step 1 or failing a medical school class considering you are already in residency.

True, but you can be fired from residency and then you're completely screwed. Same could be said for med school I guess. But going through intern year with an infant has been a special kind of hell and is making me seriously reconsider the number of children I want to have...

 

[Lexdiamondz]

I'm not disagreeing with anything you say. Our risk benefit interpretations are different though. Not getting the residency I want or failing out of medical school altogether are worse outcomes to me compared to having to spend an extra year in residency because of scheduling issues. I know for my first child I didn't sleep for more than a few hours for 9 months. I would have failed an exam or two and would have definitely done worse on step.

Some other aspects although minor are having good insurance with a job having money to pay for childcare or child related items.

I mean if you don't trust yourself to take a multiple choice exam on minimal sleep as a medical student, how do you know you won't make a fatal error and kill someone as a resident?

I really think you're underestimating just how taxing residency is at baseline. For the most part, you're always working tired - add an infant to the mix and it becomes exponentially more difficult. Unless your programme has built in research years (like many surgical subspecialties) or is extraordinarily chill in terms of work hours, or offers a great deal of elective time, the likelihood that you wont be crushed by the amount of work is pretty low.

 

[libertyyne]

I mean if you don't trust yourself to take a multiple choice exam on minimal sleep as a medical student, how do you know you won't make a fatal error and kill someone as a resident?

I really think you're underestimating just how taxing residency is at baseline. For the most part, you're always working tired - add an infant to the mix and it becomes exponentially more difficult. Unless your programme has built in research years (like many surgical subspecialties) or is extraordinarily chill in terms of work hours, or offers a great deal of elective time, the likelihood that you wont be crushed by the amount of work is pretty low.

Its not that I dont trust myself, I'd rather not have the rest of my life determined by a test score that I wasnt able to give 100% towards. Obviously it has to do with the age and general life characteristics, but more people have children in residency compared to medical school, somehow they manage. And theoretically you should have oversight in a residency that would prevent you from harming your patients. Research years, electives, and well defined maternity/paternity items would probably also help. Most programs also have less taxing call schedules the more senior you are etc.

 

[Lexdiamondz]

Its not that I dont trust myself, I'd rather not have the rest of my life determined by a test score that I wasnt able to give 100% towards. Obviously it has to do with the age and general life characteristics, but more people have children in residency compared to medical school, somehow they manage. And theoretically you should have oversight in a residency that would prevent you from harming your patients. Research years, electives, and well defined maternity/paternity items would probably also help. Most programs also have less taxing call schedules the more senior you are etc.

People manage, but the vast majority would tell you it's less than ideal, and had they been ready in medical school it would have been easier then.

As for the rest of your post - Step 1 is a big part of your application but it is just that, part of your application. Yes, ideally you would be able to give 100% to Step 1 but nobody is telling you to have an infant during your dedicated study time and most everyone with kids in medical school gets through step 1 just fine. On the contrary, as a resident you don't always have direct oversight from a senior or attending - hence why Libby Zion is dead. Functioning when you're exhausted is part of the job description and having a kid during residency just makes that so much more difficult.

 

[libertyyne]

People manage, but the vast majority would tell you it's less than ideal, and had they been ready in medical school it would have been easier then.

As for the rest of your post - Step 1 is a big part of your application but it is just that, part of your application. Yes, ideally you would be able to give 100% to Step 1 but nobody is telling you to have an infant during your dedicated study time and most everyone with kids in medical school gets through step 1 just fine. On the contrary, as a resident you don't always have direct oversight from a senior or attending - hence why Libby Zion is dead. Functioning when you're exhausted is part of the job description and having a kid during residency just makes that so much more difficult.

To my understanding the libby zion case non of the residents had children the system produced that outcome . Yes exhaustion is bad, but being an attending will not make a difference on that question either, considering some attendings do work grueling hours. People have children while working and get some slack. That being said I would rather be an exhausted resident in the training of my choice, compared to not doing well on step because my new born kept me up for 9 months of m2. The majority of people I have talked to in grueling residencies have said that having a child in m4, or pgy 2-7 is managable, and a vast majority of them did so.

Maybe the calculus is different for you, But if my grades and board scores suffer and I end up disqualifying myself for residency because i decided to have a child in m1 or m2 I would seriously doubt that it was the optimal time to have a child. Furthermore year leniency is dependent on the rotations directors, if people can be handed bad evals because they wanted to attend a funeral of a loved one, what makes you think the same rotation director is going to give two iotas about your newborn.

 

[kmd.exe]

Giving birth during medical school - The DO