Juggling kids with medical school

[deleted289061]

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Hi med community,

Here is a quick rundown of my situation. My wife and I have three kids. She works every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night, 12 hours shifts. We have never had a babysitter and now that I'm coming up on some pretty hard exams, I asked her if we could have a babysitter so I can focus on studying. She said absolutely not. Luckily she got Sunday night off but I just feel like I worked so hard to get here and now she is just not cooperating. I told her that I would be in the house with the babysitter and kids, I would just be studying upstairs. Still no budge. Me, being a jerk, then said that eventually we will have no choice but to utilize a babysitter when clinical rotations start. FYI we don't have any family or friends in the area to help us either. I am also an M1.

Any suggestions or guidance would be helpful. Of just comments of "nope, your F'd' will work too.

Thanks

 

[AMEHigh]

Well to be honest if she won’t budge, then I recommend counseling. I went to counseling with my now Ex husband during med school and although we’re divorced now, it did help. Things aren’t going to get easier, so I’d recommend getting on the same page sooner rather than later.

 

[Goro]

Hi med community,

Here is a quick rundown of my situation. My wife and I have three kids. She works every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night, 12 hours shifts. We have never had a babysitter and now that I'm coming up on some pretty hard exams, I asked her if we could have a babysitter so I can focus on studying. She said absolutely not. Luckily she got Sunday night off but I just feel like I worked so hard to get here and now she is just not cooperating. I told her that I would be in the house with the babysitter and kids, I would just be studying upstairs. Still no budge. Me, being a jerk, then said that eventually we will have no choice but to utilize a babysitter when clinical rotations start. FYI we don't have any family or friends in the area to help us either. I am also an M1.

Any suggestions or guidance would be helpful. Of just comments of "nope, your F'd' will work too.

Thanks

Your wife may be assuaged if she could talk to other med students who have young kids. You two might even have some luck in pooling research and trading babysitting duties with others in your class.

 

[ciestar]

Well, you’re not wrong..
You won’t be able to swing this with rotations, or with dedicated step time.

What is her issue with it?

 

[libertyyne]

You may not need that baby sitter. That being said My wife and I do get one prn when needed, sometimes i study upfront when I know her schedule and will study before to make up for the days before the exam.

This is a difficult conversation to have.


That being said, you need to figure out of how to be more efficient during the days and during the unit to where you study extra upfront or on days you are not taking care of . Also do you put your kids to bed early? because if so you still have most of the night to study.

 

[deleted289061]

Your wife may be assuaged if she could talk to other med students who have young kids. You two might even have some luck in pooling research and trading babysitting duties with others in your class.

Thanks for the suggestion. She is the “keep to herself” type. I met an M2 that’s older, has a wife, and two kids. I reached out to him once I was accepted to ask him for advice. He was great about it. I then asked if it would be alright if my wife reached out to his wife for advice and support. He was more than happy to help. My wife was like “that’s weird.” So you can see how I’m not really getting much help on her end in that regard. She is very supportive and helpful otherwise.

PS I love my wife. I’m not trying to bash her. Just frustrated to the point that I started to think maybe I’m crazy for insisting we find a reliable and trustworthy babysitter. She’s great, just not one to ask for help.

 

[deleted289061]

You may not need that baby sitter. That being said My wife and I do get one prn when needed, sometimes i study upfront when I know her schedule and will study before to make up for the days before the exam.

This is a difficult conversation to have.


That being said, you need to figure out of how to be more efficient during the days and during the unit to where you study extra upfront or on days you are not taking care of . Also do you put your kids to bed early? because if so you still have most of the night to study.

They go to bed around 8:15-8:30. But my wife leaves for work on these nights at 5. So from 5 to 8:30 it’s kid time. Then she needs to sleep the morning after, which is where I’m asking for a babysitter. I’d be home. Just need someone to tackle the sippy cup, snacks, and activities requests. It’s hard to get focused when you are being interrupted every 5 minutes. Or fighting or potty. Kids.
You’re right about time management. I’ll have to figure something with that. Thanks for the advice.

 

[deleted289061]

Well, you’re not wrong..
You won’t be able to swing this with rotations, or with dedicated step time.

What is her issue with it?

She has serious trust issues. Facebook posts about every other kid getting kidnapped by sex traffickers don’t help either. I’m being Zucked by Mark. We lived closer to home before school started so we had family to help. But now we are 1000 miles away from home. We have a 5 year old, a 3 year old, and a 1 year old. All boys. And we’ve never used a babysitter before. And every time I bring it up, it doesn’t end well for me. Imagine trying to put a cat in water, minus the scratches.

 

[ciestar]

She has serious trust issues. Facebook posts about every other kid getting kidnapped by sex traffickers don’t help either. I’m being Zucked by Mark. We lived closer to home before school started so we had family to help. But now we are 1000 miles away from home. We have a 5 year old, a 3 year old, and a 1 year old. All boys. And we’ve never used a babysitter before. And every time I bring it up, it doesn’t end well for me. Imagine trying to put a cat in water, minus the scratches.

Yikes. I have a friend like this. She won’t let them go to school, homeschool groups, playgrounds, or really anything out of fear. She obviously doesnt work either.

 

[libertyyne]

1. You are going to need to find a baby sitter. Ask around, interview some people, run background checks.
2. You will probably need to give them some consistent hours for them to continue to be available, as they might move on.
3. You are going to need them during clinical rotations.
4. I get that its difficult studying with the kids around, you are going to have to come up with some system if you want to do so, mine is put on a disney movie and grind anki cards. might not work for you, but we are a no -screen household so it works like a charm.
5. That being said you are going to need to sit down with her and have a frank conversation about what happens if you fail, and what that means for your family as a whole.
6. Schedule some help like having MIL swing by or have your wife not work during dedicated in case you need that time.

Its going to be a rough ride, but its possible to not only do it , but to thrive. But you two need to come to some sort of agreement on what priority your education has.

That being said, in retrospect, i didnt need or spend every waking moment studying, and spent a good amount of time taking care of my kids when the wife couldnt, and you shouldnt need every moment in M1 either , these two years are going to be the most flexible and you are going to have the most free time.

 

[deleted289061]

Yikes. I have a friend like this. She won’t let them go to school, homeschool groups, playgrounds, or really anything out of fear. She obviously doesnt work either.

I have tried to figure out a way to make it work so that she wouldn't have to work or maybe just work like 2 days a month to keep her skills up (she works in the hospital as technologist). But we live outside of DC, which is pretty expensive. I've even considered moving like 2 hours away from school to try to bring the cost of living down, and then on the days I would need to be on campus, just roughing it. But I'm not sure how that would work with rotations, etc.

 

[deleted289061]

1. You are going to need to find a baby sitter. Ask around, interview some people, run background checks.
2. You will probably need to give them some consistent hours for them to continue to be available, as they might move on.
3. You are going to need them during clinical rotations.
4. I get that its difficult studying with the kids around, you are going to have to come up with some system if you want to do so, mine is put on a disney movie and grind anki cards. might not work for you, but we are a no -screen household so it works like a charm.
5. That being said you are going to need to sit down with her and have a frank conversation about what happens if you fail, and what that means for your family as a whole.
6. Schedule some help like having MOL swing by or have your wife not work during dedicated in case you need that time.

Its going to be a rough ride, but its possible to not only do it , but to thrive. But you two need to come to some sort of agreement on what priority your education has.

All of your points are valid and I have continued to bring them up, including and underlining point 5. The conversation usually ends in that I'm a horrible person and that all of her friends and coworkers think she is crazy for letting me go to medical school (love it when she tells me that one.)

 

[deleted289061]

Thanks everyone for the support. I wasn't really looking for a solution. I know where the solution lies but unfortunately, I have no control in the matter. I'm just glad that I'm not crazy in thinking that we do need a babysitter and help to make it through. Let's hope I can make it past this next week and a half.

 

[ciestar]

I have tried to figure out a way to make it work so that she wouldn't have to work or maybe just work like 2 days a month to keep her skills up (she works in the hospital as technologist). But we live outside of DC, which is pretty expensive. I've even considered moving like 2 hours away from school to try to bring the cost of living down, and then on the days I would need to be on campus, just roughing it. But I'm not sure how that would work with rotations, etc.

Definitely wouldn’t recommend that. Rotations can be rough and that commute would be terrible in general.

You’re going to have to figure something out. It will only get more time consuming as time goes on.

All of your points are valid and I have continued to bring them up, including and underlining point 5. The conversation usually ends in that I'm a horrible person and that all of her friends and coworkers think she is crazy for letting me go to medical school (love it when she tells me that one.)

Lets you? Yikes. Im sorry man.

 

[ciestar]

Thanks everyone for the support. I wasn't really looking for a solution. I know where the solution lies but unfortunately, I have no control in the matter. I'm just glad that I'm not crazy in thinking that we do need a babysitter and help to make it through. Let's hope I can make it past this next week and a half.

Definitely not crazy!

 

[libertyyne]

All of your points are valid and I have continued to bring them up, including and underlining point 5. The conversation usually ends in that I'm a horrible person and that all of her friends and coworkers think she is crazy for letting me go to medical school (love it when she tells me that one.)

Bro...
Does she know what residency is going to look like?

 

[deleted289061]

Bro...
Does she know what residency is going to look like?

She has heard from the residents and attendings she works with. Her goal is to not work when I'm in residency but honestly, if she can't not work now, I don't see how that is an option then. Math doesn't add up.

 

[libertyyne]

She has heard from the residents and attendings she works with. Her goal is to not work when I'm in residency but honestly, if she can't not work now, I don't see how that is an option then. Math doesn't add up.

Nova is expensive, if you can afford to live without income on savings/ 401k cashouts/ loans. It might be a better idea.

My wife was mortified of baby sitters, I helped by installing cameras throughout the house, and really limiting use to short stints every other week.

 

[AnatomyGrey12]

All of your points are valid and I have continued to bring them up, including and underlining point 5. The conversation usually ends in that I'm a horrible person and that all of her friends and coworkers think she is crazy for letting me go to medical school (love it when she tells me that one.)

As a guy with a family and kids I'm going to say that you need to go to therapy together. Like now. You will need a babysitter, and this idea that she "lets" you go to medical school is a minor problem now, but can very easily become a huge issue later.

At the bare minimum you should really encourage her to become friends with the wives of other medical students. My wife has a group of friends that have a lot of medical student/resident/attending wives in it and it is a huge support system. Having other wives that are doing the same thing, or have already done it, give her advice has been invaluable. It has also led to a group of people she trusts for occasional babysitting.

 

[sievert_fever]

Sounds like your wife is a nurse, so she has a misinformed understanding of medical training. During your clinical years you're going to be at work until 5-7 pm, plus evenings on call days. Then you'll need to come home and study for your end-of-rotation exams. At the very least, you'll likely work 6 days and 60-80+ hrs/wk during your intern year (depending on medicine, surgery, or transitional). Depending on your residency you could potentially work overnight every few days for years... though I suspect you'll select yourself out of these specialties due to your life circumstances. You will absolutely need help on the days where she works. There is no debate. She will either accept this now or come to learn it the hard way later.

Edit: Sorry, I missed the post where you mentioned that your wife is a tech. Point remains.

 

[Goro]

Thanks for the suggestion. She is the “keep to herself” type. I met an M2 that’s older, has a wife, and two kids. I reached out to him once I was accepted to ask him for advice. He was great about it. I then asked if it would be alright if my wife reached out to his wife for advice and support. He was more than happy to help. My wife was like “that’s weird.” So you can see how I’m not really getting much help on her end in that regard. She is very supportive and helpful otherwise.

PS I love my wife. I’m not trying to bash her. Just frustrated to the point that I started to think maybe I’m crazy for insisting we find a reliable and trustworthy babysitter. She’s great, just not one to ask for help.

I understand being a parent, but in reality, your wife is sabotaging you with her protectiveness.

I suggest asking any Faculty, students or staff that have young children if they can suggest a babysitter.

i take it that your wouldn't trust your friends? Do you two have any relatives in the area?

 

[premed_mamba]

How old are the kids? My wife and I have children as well and she has a very similar work schedule. We make it without a babysitter (for now). It may sound bad but I literally will just turn on an educational show for them take out anything that’ could potentially cause harm and then go study. And I check on them every hour. Sometimes you got to do what you got to do lol

 

[Ho0v-man]

If your school is anything like mine, the intensity will at least double between now and second year. You need a baby sitter full stop. Since your wife only works weekends perhaps you could pool with other spouses where she can help babysit during the week and someone else helps on the weekends.

It sucks but you absolutely have to be selfish during this time.

 

[Espressso]

This makes me not want kids until attendinghood

 

[alprazoslam]

Hi med community,

Here is a quick rundown of my situation. My wife and I have three kids. She works every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night, 12 hours shifts. We have never had a babysitter and now that I'm coming up on some pretty hard exams, I asked her if we could have a babysitter so I can focus on studying. She said absolutely not. Luckily she got Sunday night off but I just feel like I worked so hard to get here and now she is just not cooperating. I told her that I would be in the house with the babysitter and kids, I would just be studying upstairs. Still no budge. Me, being a jerk, then said that eventually we will have no choice but to utilize a babysitter when clinical rotations start. FYI we don't have any family or friends in the area to help us either. I am also an M1.

Any suggestions or guidance would be helpful. Of just comments of "nope, your F'd' will work too.

Thanks

if she isn’t a doctor already or also in med school just get a baby sitter without her saying it’s OK. She doesn’t understand and doesn’t seem to want to. Sorry you married a woman that doesn’t have common sense. Lol

 

[deleted289061]

I understand being a parent, but in reality, your wife is sabotaging you with her protectiveness.

I suggest asking any Faculty, students or staff that have young children if they can suggest a babysitter.

i take it that your wouldn't trust your friends? Do you two have any relatives in the area?

We've moved 1000 miles away from home. No friends that she trusts here and no family. She only trusted her sibling or parents to watch our kids before we moved. I may ask around the school to see if they have any suggestions on babysitters, that is good advice.

 

[deleted289061]

How old are the kids? My wife and I have children as well and she has a very similar work schedule. We make it without a babysitter (for now). It may sound bad but I literally will just turn on an educational show for them take out anything that’ could potentially cause harm and then go study. And I check on them every hour. Sometimes you got to do what you got to do lol

We have a 5 year old, 3 year old, and a 1 year old, all boys. The 1 year old would have to come with me or he would get trampled.

 

[Rachapkis]

When push comes to shove, I see two options. Either, acquiesce to your wife's view of the world and go without, or, in the alternative, get a babysitter over your wife's objections and deal with the consequences. Personally, I would get a babysitter and do everything I could to make her understand/help her over her (irrational) fears.

 

[Cornfed101]

Do you never plan on going on any dates? This just seems unsustainable all around. I agree with previous posters that it is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

I also agree with the idea of therapy. There is an unfortunate stigma with therapy, but you should really try to go and have your wife attend. Couple's therapy is amazing. Sometimes you just need a third party to tell you that you are crazy before it sinks in.

 

[Type2Fiber]

Hi med community,

Here is a quick rundown of my situation. My wife and I have three kids. She works every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night, 12 hours shifts. We have never had a babysitter and now that I'm coming up on some pretty hard exams, I asked her if we could have a babysitter so I can focus on studying. She said absolutely not. Luckily she got Sunday night off but I just feel like I worked so hard to get here and now she is just not cooperating. I told her that I would be in the house with the babysitter and kids, I would just be studying upstairs. Still no budge. Me, being a jerk, then said that eventually we will have no choice but to utilize a babysitter when clinical rotations start. FYI we don't have any family or friends in the area to help us either. I am also an M1.

Any suggestions or guidance would be helpful. Of just comments of "nope, your F'd' will work too.

Thanks

You moved 1000 miles away from family with 3 kids. Shes also working 3 12s a week. You need to give her a break. Ignoring what she wants is a recipe for disaster. You're in the 1st semester of M1 - you can compromise much easier than she can at this point. Structure your studying to accomodate her work right now, she will acclimate and the stress will be more bearable by 3rd year.

Asking for forgiveness rather than permission is selfish and terrible marriage advice

 

[Cornfed101]

You moved 1000 miles away from family with 3 kids. Shes also working 3 12s a week. You need to give her a break. Ignoring what she wants is a recipe for disaster. You're in the 1st semester of M1 - you can compromise much easier than she can at this point. Structure your studying to accomodate her work right now, she will acclimate and the stress will be more bearable by 3rd year.

Asking for forgiveness rather than permission is selfish and terrible marriage advice

And it's not selfish to tell OP that she "let" him go to med school and her work as a tech is all-important? She needs to learn to trust people. That's not healthy and will likely require some counseling. Not everyone is going to sell your children into slavery.

 

[VA Hopeful Dr]

And it's not selfish to tell OP that she "let" him go to med school and her work as a tech is all-important? She needs to learn to trust people. That's not healthy and will likely require some counseling. Not everyone is going to sell your children into slavery.

Ever hear the old saying "two wrongs don't make a right"?

I agree that the wife is being somewhat unreasonable here but going behind her back is a recipe for disaster.

OP: adjust your study schedule for now, make getting a babysitter a good long-term goal for 2nd year.

 

[Cornfed101]

Ever hear the old saying "two wrongs don't make a right"?

I agree that the wife is being somewhat unreasonable here but going behind her back is a recipe for disaster.

OP: adjust your study schedule for now, make getting a babysitter a good long-term goal for 2nd year.

I think it definitely depends on how your relationship is with your wife. Going behind her back about babysitting seems like a small issue to me. In fact, my wife would think it was her birthday if I did that. OP, only you know how things would go down in this situation. You obviously married your wife for a reason. Remember those reasons and try to compromise. Make sacrifices where you can and push harder when you can't.

 

[Type2Fiber]

I think it definitely depends on how your relationship is with your wife. Going behind her back about babysitting seems like a small issue to me. In fact, my wife would think it was her birthday if I did that. OP, only you know how things would go down in this situation. You obviously married your wife for a reason. Remember those reasons and try to compromise. Make sacrifices where you can and push harder when you can't.

Bolded is delusional. You know what will hurt OP worse than not studying? Blowing up his marriage over dumb stuff in M1

 

[Cornfed101]

Bolded is delusional. You know what will hurt OP worse than not studying? Blowing up his marriage over dumb stuff in M1

That's why I said it depends on your relationship with your wife. My wife and I have been married over 7 years and this would be a non-issue for us. The following was the takeaway from my post:

OP, only you know how things would go down in this situation. You obviously married your wife for a reason. Remember those reasons and try to compromise. Make sacrifices where you can and push harder when you can't.

We are only seeing things from OPs side. I'm sure he posted this as a means of reinforcing his current beliefs. If getting a babysitter will blow up your marriage you have much bigger problems. Counseling is in order.

 

[ChopinLiszt]

Maybe for the time being it would be good to come up with creative solutions. Join a gym with free childcare/play area, go there in the morning and take the kids, study in the locker room or exercise bike. Sign the older kids up for morning activities, sit in the car with the 1yo and wait for them, read/do practice questions in the car. Just look into options that will help in the meantime until you get the babysitter concept worked out. Also, (in favor of just sucking it up and studying at home with your children) learning to focus with frequent interruptions will be an asset for a medical career in pretty much any specialty! 😉

Since she doesn’t trust anyone there, what about offering to get a nanny cam? There are lots of video systems now that you can check on from your phone, wherever you are. Maybe she could ask someone she trusts at work for a name of a babysitter they trust completely, then also get one of those nanny cams and try it out on a one hour dinner date. If she trusted her family and friends with the kids before, she can likely learn to trust someone else over time. You’ve moved her very far from where she felt safe with her babies, and it can take over a year to feel comfortable and safe again in a new place. Good luck!

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

Yeah sounds like you guys need to go to counseling. It sounds like she seriously is not okay with you going to med school and might be trying to sabotage you whether she realizes it or not. Also as someone who is married with two kids, if she plans to never use a babysitter that means she plans on never going on any dates with you which is a very good way to end up divorced.

 

[Staphylococcus Aureus]

Babysitter: I actually never used a babysitter in med school other than family sitters sporadically (you need something resembling a regular date night) however my spouse essentially doesn't work outside of home. If the issue is 5-8:30pm three days a week I would say there is no reason you can't do that, even on the hardest of weeks, if you can't you're not studying/managing time efficiently. Try to get up two hours before everyone to get work done, and have no shame putting on a movie while you study in the same room. How late is she sleeping in the day after shifts? She needs to make sacrifices. It's not uncommon for parents today to have irrational fears and not be comfortable with a babysitter, but it that's the case (and you've done your part to maximize efficiency and compromise) then her other choice is to scale back her hours. She is a tech? No offense but that career extremely expendable compared to family and medical school. There is no need for her to "keep up her skills" at your expense right now. Do the numbers; all these shifts on a tech salary verses the time it would take you to pay back the equivalent loan with an attending salary. I know multiple families who have lived off max loans during med school, either because a spouse wanted to stay at home or the spouses income didn't justify paying for daycare/sitters. Don't flunk and kill your lifetime earnings because you wanted chump change now.

She needs to support you: A spouse on this journey needs to be ALL IN. Unless you left a six figure career (but even if you did) then successfully finishing your medical training is by far the best course for your entire family. Be loud and clear about this, medicine is not your selfish hobby, it's whats best for her and the children, and she needs to work together for the same goal. The unwillingness to communicate, compromise, and the whole "letting" you pursue school are huge red flags needing to be reconciled ASAP before she sabotages your family's future. That said try your best to support her, she's away from home without family/friends and needs help.

 

[MisterKitty]

Get the baby sitter. Your wife sounds like she is sabotaging your career and relationship with her neuroticism. Good luck with this one.

 

[clinicallabguy]

I started medical school with 2 children and had 2 children during medical school. My situation was a bit different than yours because my wife stayed at home. But I definitely think that when one partner is in medical school, BOTH partners are in medical school. And when one partner is a resident, BOTH partners are a resident. The sacrifice and the rewards are both shared. It seems like you and your wife are understanding this from different angles and I agree that counseling would be a good thing. Maybe the hardest but effective thing for you to do is to intentionally make an effort to support her, and then talk to her about how meaningful it would be to you if you could find a way for her to support you. Babysitting is the main manifestation of the conflict, but this isn't primarily about babysitting I don't think. The need you are expressing is the need to study, and the subtext is that you want to feel like she is supporting you and cheering you on. You want to feel like she wants you to succeed. When she turns down the babysitting, I imagine that feels like anything but supportive. Tell her that.

"When you declined my request to get a babysitter, I felt like I wasn't getting the support I need to study and succeed. Will you help me find a way to succeed that works for both of us? Do you see a positive aspect of this medical school journey that will benefit you? Is this something that you are buying into?"

Good luck. My wife and I have gone through some great times and rough times, and a combination of medical training and now rearing 5 kids without any extended family around has weathered us. I'm balding and she's starting to get gray hairs, but we made it! You can, too. I'm cheering you on.

 

[Dr G Oogle]

I have tried to figure out a way to make it work so that she wouldn't have to work or maybe just work like 2 days a month to keep her skills up (she works in the hospital as technologist). But we live outside of DC, which is pretty expensive. I've even considered moving like 2 hours away from school to try to bring the cost of living down, and then on the days I would need to be on campus, just roughing it. But I'm not sure how that would work with rotations, etc.

if she works only weekends maybe you could come in early and stay late on weekdays. Would suck not to see family during week or her most of the time but if she doesn’t budge then so be it. But definitely this is an untenable situation in rotations and 100% in residency unless she trusts your then 9 year old tk watch the other two more than a grown adult

 

[nrs2doc]

You marriage is headed for divorce. Sorry to be so blunt, but someone has to say it. Good luck!

This is coming for a M-1 mom of 3 school aged kids, 14 years married to a spouse who would bent over backwards to make sure I can live my dream because he knows I did and will do the same for him. Marriage is all about support and compromise and your wife is less than willing to do both.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

The conversation usually ends in that I'm a horrible person and that all of her friends and coworkers think she is crazy for letting me go to medical school

Yikes and yikes. Loving spouses don’t call their partners horrible for wanting to study, and don’t “let” them pursue a career. This is either emotionally abusive behavior, or some plain old ignorance— does she think her tech career is gonna support 3 kids more than what you’d do as a doctor? Does she even know anything about med school and how much effort and concentration it requires? For someone who works with doctors, this shows total lack of insight. She should be making your life better because you’re the one who is going to kill themselves surviving through med school and residency. Instead, her paranoia is actively hurting your ability to succeed. What a terrible situation. I agree with those who say you need therapy ...and if she insists, without giving a good reason (other than paranoia about sitters), then it might be time to reevaluate your relationship as it sounds awfully toxic.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

double post by accident

 

[kittykat57]

I wonder if you had a serious talk about expectations before all of this. I am currently a M4 with 2 kids, and my family moved over a thousand miles away from our extended family for this. We had lots of conversations before, and we both compromise with each other when we can. I remind myself constantly that this isn't all about me. It is about us, how we live and accomplish this, and working as a team. Sometimes things are rough, but honestly years 1 and 2 were the easiest as far as moving around my schedule to spend more time with the family. I would never have needed a babysitter for what you are describing. Will you likely need one? Of course. I am being real with you when I say be as helpful as you can now and lay the groundwork for expectations at each stage of the journey. Your wife is probably stressed out, as this is a stressful change for everyone. Compassion can go a long way, and with a little time and conversation I am sure there will be more compromising later.

 

[MisterKitty]

I wonder if you had a serious talk about expectations before all of this. I am currently a M4 with 2 kids, and my family moved over a thousand miles away from our extended family for this. We had lots of conversations before, and we both compromise with each other when we can. I remind myself constantly that this isn't all about me. It is about us, how we live and accomplish this, and working as a team. Sometimes things are rough, but honestly years 1 and 2 were the easiest as far as moving around my schedule to spend more time with the family. I would never have needed a babysitter for what you are describing. Will you likely need one? Of course. I am being real with you when I say be as helpful as you can now and lay the groundwork for expectations at each stage of the journey. Your wife is probably stressed out, as this is a stressful change for everyone. Compassion can go a long way, and with a little time and conversation I am sure there will be more compromising later.

Found the crazy person

 

[Staphylococcus Aureus]

give us an update @calvangri

 

[deleted289061]

Update: I survived finals week! I ended up pulling all nighters before each exam and did pretty well except for the fourth exam. I still passed but it was below my standards. I ended up with a bit of amnesia during my fourth all nighter which was scary. My exams were spaced liked this: Exam 1, 3 days off, Exam 2, 2 days off, Exam 3, 1 day off, Exam 4. So I didn’t pull 4 consecutive all nighters, just the nights before the exams. My wife was able to get two nights off of work before Exam 1 and one night off of work before Exam 3, which helped a lot. We are in a good place and I’m still working on getting a babysitter for dedicated. We’ve talked about therapy and are figuring out the details. She’s trying her best to adjust and doing well. And I’m trying to make adjustments so that I can work with the time that I have. Thank you all for your suggestions and words of support.

 

[BigPikachu]

I had one kid withmy first and only wife whilst in Med School and then had another kid during Specialist Training. All I can say is I have a very forgiving and tolerant wife with very supportive in-law parents, whom I love dearly and couldn't have survived medicine or live without. Every marriage is different and there are going to be good and bad days. Hopefully it always works out in the end with good support and help. Hang in there, mate. Good luck!

 

[clinicallabguy]

Update: I survived finals week! I ended up pulling all nighters before each exam and did pretty well except for the fourth exam. I still passed but it was below my standards. I ended up with a bit of amnesia during my fourth all nighter which was scary. My exams were spaced liked this: Exam 1, 3 days off, Exam 2, 2 days off, Exam 3, 1 day off, Exam 4. So I didn’t pull 4 consecutive all nighters, just the nights before the exams. My wife was able to get two nights off of work before Exam 1 and one night off of work before Exam 3, which helped a lot. We are in a good place and I’m still working on getting a babysitter for dedicated. We’ve talked about therapy and are figuring out the details. She’s trying her best to adjust and doing well. And I’m trying to make adjustments so that I can work with the time that I have. Thank you all for your suggestions and words of support.

That's awesome. Being a parent in medical school is no joke and neither is marital strain.

The times in my life where I've most diligently kept a journal have been the times when my marriage was tensest because there are so many frustrated feelings that can get buried. After being married for nearly 15 years I understand why my grandparents could bicker over the littlest things. It's because they had 40+ years of context to have feelings compound about little annoyances that eventually become perceived emotionally as tantamount to murder.