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madeabadmove

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I'm an M4 worried about residency, because who's not?

Now I'm sure you're going to think I'm a real jerk for this, but you cant be as hard on me as I am on myself. There isn't a day goes by I don't feel awful about this.

I'm married, and a few years into our marriage I joined Ashley Madison. Jerk move, I know. What follows is not me trying to excuse the inexcusable, but just so you might not simply dismiss me as a complete jerk and move on, I'll give some background.

My wife had been raped in college and had never told anyone, not even me before we got married. Sex was incredibly difficult for us. I joined that f-ed up website out of anger and frustration, feeling like I was no good as a husband and wanting someone who I could be close to. I know this was probably the worst way I could have coped with the situation, but there it is.

I did have a couple photos of myself on there, but nothing explicitly sexual. I did chat with a few women in explicit terms (that I thought were real people and not bots), and one of them wanted to meet up. I immediately felt bad about the whole thing, told her sorry I wouldn't meet her, then blocked her. I paid the $20 to close the account soon after.

And you know the rest. The website was hacked and 36,000,000 accounts were exposed, including mine with the photos, messages, etc. The $20 I had paid to close the account was a waste since they didn't actually delete anything. My email address was on there as well as proof that I had used my credit card to pay for the account (HOW COULD I BE SO FREAKING STUPID!?!)

This really stands alone as the biggest idiot move I have made in my life. 2nd place is a speeding ticket I got when I was 17.

So I'm wondering: will this come up in the background check? If it does, how will it affect my application? Will I have a chance to tell the whole story to whoever makes the decision? This all happened 7 years ago (the hack happened one year ago). How much will it help that it's been 7 years?
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First question...have you told your wife all of this?
 
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It will most likely but you can just claim that account was fake and made to inflate their numbers.
 
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If this somehow came up in an interview, the only answer out of your mouth should be "None of your f******* business." Back to why I'm qualified for this JOB. There's a reason interviewers can't ask about irrelevant personal details. Are you pregnant, married, etc. With med school admissions, sure they can bend you over. They own you. You'll give up much to get in. After graduation you have options.
 
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While it should be nobody's business, the medicine fishbowl makes it everybody's business.

Not much you can do if they find out and judge you.

But how would they really find out? Do you think a background check cares that you subscribed to Ashley Madison?
 
I kind of think it is their business: are you the sort of person who keeps promises? Can you be trusted? Are you honest? etc. I actually like to think that I am, apart from some serious online stupidity in my past
 
solitarius said:
While it should be nobody's business, the medicine fishbowl makes it everybody's business.

Not much you can do if they find out and judge you.

But how would they really find out? Do you think a background check cares that you subscribed to Ashley Madison?
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That's exactly what I want to know
 
solitarius said:
madeabadmove said:
I kind of think it is their business: are you the sort of person who keeps promises? Can you be trusted? Are you honest? etc. I actually like to think that I am, apart from some serious online stupidity in my past
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While it should be nobody's business, the medicine fishbowl makes it everybody's business.

Not much you can do if they find out and judge you.
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You are the reason there is a fishbowl.

Anyway, I don't think anyone here can definitively tell you what a background check involves. Or whether review committees would do their own fact checking.
 
How the hell would this come up on a background check? Somehow you would have a criminal record because you joined a dating website? That doesn't make sense to me. Unless you are talking about it coming up on a google search.


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FindMeOnTheLinks said:
How the hell would this come up on a background check? Somehow you would have a criminal record because you joined a dating website? That doesn't make sense to me. Unless you are talking about it coming up on a google search.


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I've heard some places check social media to get an idea what their applicants are really like. If you're checking there you might check other places as well, I don't know
 
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solitarius said:
You are the reason there is a fishbowl.

Anyway, I don't think anyone here can definitively tell you what a background check involves. Or whether review committees would do their own fact checking.
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Not definitively, but I do know that any background check you approve you should have access to, and I've never had one that had anything other than legal action (i.e., not ashley madison hacking, or what you posted on facebook or tinder or grinder or anything else).
 
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madeabadmove said:
That's exactly what I want to know
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No. It won't come out. A background check looks for criminal activity and, sometimes, your overall financial situation. No one gives a **** about your online indiscretions.

Stick to Tinder next time around. Good luck! (With your application not Tinder)
 
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madeabadmove said:
I kind of think it is their business: are you the sort of person who keeps promises? Can you be trusted? Are you honest? etc. I actually like to think that I am, apart from some serious online stupidity in my past
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There are other ways to assess someone's honesty if that's what you're really after and aren't just a nosy $&%#.
 
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PlutoBoy said:
No. It won't come out. A background check looks for criminal activity and, sometimes, your overall financial situation. No one gives a **** about your online indiscretions.

Stick to Tinder next time around. Good luck! (With your application not Tinder)
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Thank you very much!
 
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Related to the background check aspect - you could always run one on yourself. A set of fingertips + Google gives people ample opportunity to dig up dirt on you if they really wanted to, but running a background check on yourself takes some of the mystery out of it.
 
Chill. Background checks are for criminal activity.

madeabadmove said:
I'm an M4 worried about residency, because who's not?

Now I'm sure you're going to think I'm a real jerk for this, but you cant be as hard on me as I am on myself. There isn't a day goes by I don't feel awful about this.

I'm married, and a few years into our marriage I joined Ashley Madison. Jerk move, I know. What follows is not me trying to excuse the inexcusable, but just so you might not simply dismiss me as a complete jerk and move on, I'll give some background.

My wife had been raped in college and had never told anyone, not even me before we got married. Sex was incredibly difficult for us. I joined that f-ed up website out of anger and frustration, feeling like I was no good as a husband and wanting someone who I could be close to. I know this was probably the worst way I could have coped with the situation, but there it is.

I did have a couple photos of myself on there, but nothing explicitly sexual. I did chat with a few women in explicit terms (that I thought were real people and not bots), and one of them wanted to meet up. I immediately felt bad about the whole thing, told her sorry I wouldn't meet her, then blocked her. I paid the $20 to close the account soon after.

And you know the rest. The website was hacked and 36,000,000 accounts were exposed, including mine with the photos, messages, etc. The $20 I had paid to close the account was a waste since they didn't actually delete anything. My email address was on there as well as proof that I had used my credit card to pay for the account (HOW COULD I BE SO FREAKING STUPID!?!)

This really stands alone as the biggest idiot move I have made in my life. 2nd place is a speeding ticket I got when I was 17.

So I'm wondering: will this come up in the background check? If it does, how will it affect my application? Will I have a chance to tell the whole story to whoever makes the decision? This all happened 7 years ago (the hack happened one year ago). How much will it help that it's been 7 years?
Click to expand...
 
The only PD and the only program coordinator I know Google potential applicants before offering interviews. Would it come up on Google? I imagine since they do it, others might as well.
 
Your story just adds support to my anti-marriage feelings. Girls want us for the money but they aren't attracted to us at all.
 
KingAtlas said:
Your story just adds support to my anti-marriage feelings. Girls want us for the money but they aren't attracted to us at all.
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Speaking from experience?


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SunsFun said:
Speaking from experience?


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Not from my experience, no.

From the experiences of others, yes. Take a look at this: http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/da...f-i-marry-my-best-friend-im-not-attracted-to/

There are a ton of other examples you can find if you care to look.
Also from "advice" that people tell me: " Don't worry about girls now because when you're a doctor, girls are going to throw themselves at you. Girls our age only like guys that have something special about them" which translates to "When you have money, girls still won't actually like you because you're not "special" enough, but they might settle for you because they want the money".
 
username456789 said:
Did I accidentally click on /r/redpill?
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You are more than free to believe and do whatever you please. But when you get taken to the cleaners and she takes away your money and your house and runs off to the guy(s) that she actually likes, and you're working long hours and living in a studio apartment at age 40 to support some other dude (probably an ex-con) living in your house off your money, don't come telling me about it. Because all I'm going to say is that I told you so.
 
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KingAtlas said:
You are more than free to believe and do whatever you please. But when you get taken to the cleaners and she takes away your money and your house and runs off to the guy(s) that she actually likes, and you're working long hours and living in a studio apartment at age 40 to support some other dude (probably an ex-con) living in your house off your money, don't come telling me about it. Because all I'm going to say is that I told you so.
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This is so very cute.
 
KingAtlas said:
Pretending to be cryptic doesn't make you correct. Explain what you mean, or hold your peace.
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Because, what the hell are you talking about? OP is a guy who was cheating on his wife (or seriously considering it), and you turn this into women are horrible people who will steal your money and shack up with a convict? You're really suggesting that the only outcome of marriage for a doctor is being 40, living alone in poverty all while trying to support your ex-wife who's out banging some other dude(s), who are likely convicts? wtf?
 
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Donald Juan said:
Because, what the hell are you talking about? OP is a guy who was cheating on his wife (or seriously considering it), and you turn this into women are horrible people who will steal your money and shack up with a convict? You're really suggesting that the only outcome of marriage for a doctor is being 40, living alone in poverty all while trying to support your ex-wife who's out banging some other dude(s), who are likely convicts? wtf?
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I don't blame the OP. That's all I'm saying.

There are, of course, a few other possible outcomes. One is that you can have a loveless marriage where your job is just to work extremely long hours and come home to someone who never liked you in the first place and resents YOU for that and yells at you while spending all of your money. Another option is that you end up married but coming home to any empty house because your partner is openly cheating on you while you are married.

Best bet is to stay single and away from people who don't care about you.
 
KingAtlas said:
You are more than free to believe and do whatever you please. But when you get taken to the cleaners and she takes away your money and your house and runs off to the guy(s) that she actually likes, and you're working long hours and living in a studio apartment at age 40 to support some other dude (probably an ex-con) living in your house off your money, don't come telling me about it. Because all I'm going to say is that I told you so.
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That's what a prenup is for (as well as separate bank accounts, good judgement and common sense). Besides, female physicians can also have "freeloading" husbands who later leave them after they realize their wife "couldn't keep up with household chores" and a girl 20+ years younger comes along. Most physicians I know, however, are happily married.

But to answer the OP's question: No. I don't think this will come up during residency interviews. Could they snoop online and find it? Sure. But personally, if a program tried to snoop around and purposefully find dirt on me I would not be inclined to go there anyway.
 
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KingAtlas said:
I don't blame the OP. That's all I'm saying.

There are, of course, a few other possible outcomes. One is that you can have a loveless marriage where your job is just to work extremely long hours and come home to someone who never liked you in the first place and resents YOU for that and yells at you while spending all of your money. Another option is that you end up married but coming home to any empty house because your partner is openly cheating on you while you are married.

Best bet is to stay single and away from people who don't care about you.
Click to expand...

Leaving aside the rest of misogyny and depression in your posts, are you aware that you are not obligated to marry a homemaker who spends her days 'spending all of your money'? The most common profession for a doctor's wife is doctor.
 
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Honestly, this is not something that will come up on an background check, last time I checked, you haven't broken the law. If someone realllyyyyy wanted to dig up something on you, chances are you did something during the interview that concerned them, in which case your chances there weren't good to begin with.
 
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KingAtlas said:
Pretending to be cryptic doesn't make you correct. Explain what you mean, or hold your peace.
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You are a sad boy and your outlook on women is very Eliot Rodgers-esque.

Stop blaming women for your inability to be attractive to women.
 
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username456789 said:
You are a sad boy and your outlook on women is very Eliot Rodgers-esque.

Stop blaming women for your inability to be attractive to women.
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Right, because every guy who is unhappy about being unsuccessful with girls is a mass murderer.

I'm not blaming them. Never said it was their fault. All I'm doing is outlining a rationale for defending my property from petty theft.
 
Perrotfish said:
Leaving aside the rest of misogyny and depression in your posts, are you aware that you are not obligated to marry a homemaker who spends her days 'spending all of your money'? The most common profession for a doctor's wife is doctor.
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Why is this misogyny? Is it misandry when girls say that all guys are abusive cheaters, etc.? If I say tigers are going to eat you if you approach them, does that imply that I hate tigers?

And as soon as you say you want to marry someone who works, everyone hates that too. You really can't win.
 
Well this thread took a few sharp left turns... :corny:
 
KingAtlas said:
You are more than free to believe and do whatever you please. But when you get taken to the cleaners and she takes away your money and your house and runs off to the guy(s) that she actually likes, and you're working long hours and living in a studio apartment at age 40 to support some other dude (probably an ex-con) living in your house off your money, don't come telling me about it. Because all I'm going to say is that I told you so.
Click to expand...

Technically you don't really have to move out. It could be all three of you, ex-wife, ex-con living peacefully together sharing food and warmth. And you could even continue having all the sex you want and even some that you don't.


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KingAtlas said:
I don't blame the OP. That's all I'm saying.

There are, of course, a few other possible outcomes. One is that you can have a loveless marriage where your job is just to work extremely long hours and come home to someone who never liked you in the first place and resents YOU for that and yells at you while spending all of your money. Another option is that you end up married but coming home to any empty house because your partner is openly cheating on you while you are married.

Best bet is to stay single and away from people who don't care about you.
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Yes because women aren't also physicians or make money in any other way. Sounds like you're making excuses for being a terrible person who no one wants to be with once they learn who you really are
 
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KingAtlas said:
Why is this misogyny? Is it misandry when girls say that all guys are abusive cheaters, etc.?
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Yeah, pretty much. If a female was here saying this proves that all men are horrible cheaters and all women should be single, and she's gonna lol when they end up alone after their husband leaves them for a 20 year-old, then I would be rolling my eyes just as much as I am at you. But, the woman would at least be on topic with the thread, which was about a man cheating on his wife...
 
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OP, there's more "untraditional" stuff going on in medicine than you would think.

Just over my couple years out of the classroom, I've heard countless stories about prostitutes, ménages, wife swapping sessions, callroom nursing, ****holding, and bizarre fetishes, etc.

This is what I've heard across 4 unrelated health systems in different states. (read: decent sample)

You joining Ashley Madison is pretty vanilla... as long as whoever is interviewing/reviewing you isn't angry about being cheated on recently. (Not that it would come up to begin with.)
 
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sammiesings said:
Yes because women aren't also physicians or make money in any other way. Sounds like you're making excuses for being a terrible person who no one wants to be with once they learn who you really are
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You're a) assuming people even bothered to try to find out anything about me (they never did:not one person has ever liked me or been attracted to me) and b) that I ended up this way prior to any of this happening (which is also false-I became a lot less naive in the last 2 years).
 
Donald Juan said:
Yeah, pretty much. If a female was here saying this proves that all men are horrible cheaters and all women should be single, and she's gonna lol when they end up alone after their husband leaves them for a 20 year-old, then I would be rolling my eyes just as much as I am at you. But, the woman would at least be on topic with the thread, which was about a man cheating on his wife...
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I think he was justified
 
Pompacil said:
They're not all mass murderers. Some are mass murderers-to-be.

Condolences on lack of sex tho. Tough loss.
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50% of Harvard grads are virgins. Guess those Ivy League schools are actually serial killer training camps
 
KingAtlas said:
You're a) assuming people even bothered to try to find out anything about me (they never did:not one person has ever liked me or been attracted to me) and b) that I ended up this way prior to any of this happening (which is also false-I became a lot less naive in the last 2 years).
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Good point. Your terribleness must be so strong that its apparent from the get. Grow up. The problem is you, not "women."
 
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KingAtlas said:
50% of Harvard grads are virgins. Guess those Ivy League schools are actually serial killer training camps
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That was my reasoning for not even applying to Harvard....I mean, who in their right mind would pick that over my absolutely exceptional state school? It's like being taught special Ed by special people.

OP, I don't have anything to add but I would also echo previous posts that suggest you don't swear it. Results of a hack even if showing you using that website will not a part of any official inquiry and will unlikely be verifiable. That said, Id worry more about this coming out at the most inconvenient time in your relationship sometime in the future. One of your wife's friends may just randomly come across it in years to come.


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