LDR while in Med School

[NucleusO]

So I finally got into med school after applying for three cycles. Dream come true! It should be the happiest year of my life and I'm grateful! But my SO is a FMG and when we first started dating a year and a half ago, the prospects of him staying in the US seemed great. Except he failed STEP 1 by 8 points, which prevented him from participating in a fellowship in the US and so he decided to take up a surgical fellowship in the UK for one year. He doesn't know where he'll be next year... he might stay in the UK to work some more or he might try to study for STEP 1 again.

His confidence is crushed and he doesn't think that he'll have a future in the US anymore. I guess that if I looked at this from the outside, it would be obvious that we should end our relationship. But neither he nor I want to do that. I've never met anyone that has made me feel so complete and at peace. We're such a perfect match in terms of personality and values. There's no doubt that we love each other, but would our relationship be sustainable? I'll be in medical school and he'll probably be doing another fellowship. We've been apart from each other for 6 months and even now he barely has time to text me. We do have weekly phone calls when we get the chance, but that's because my schedule is flexible right now. Maybe we'll only call once every two weeks once I start school?

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read my rant. I'm just frustrated and I don't have anyone to talk to about this issue.

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[750335]

Not quite the same, but my ex is British and lived in England, while I lived in America at one point. Forget for a second that he is now my ex, we didn't break up because of the distance. Similarly, we were both very busy, and the time difference didn't help. However, we had a standing arrangement that we had to talk 3 times a week at least even if just for 5-10 minutes, usually facetime, and we had to text goodnight/goodmorning everyday, and one skype date a week. Sometimes that meant that I had to wake up at 7am instead of 7.30 or he had to go to bed at 11 instead of 10. So it is doable if you both commit to it. Another thing that helps is having a fixed end date, but he has a lot going on, so don't put any pressure on him. Let him go and settle down, and figure out what it is he wants to do, and you just be supportive for now. Sometimes we get so preoccupied with the attention we are not getting that we forget it isn't deliberate. If money is not an issue, one of you can also visit the other. There were times I was literally in England for just a weekend, expensive trip, but it was worth it for me. Good luck

 

[NucleusO]

Not quite the same, but my ex is British and lived in England, while I lived in America at one point. Forget for a second that he is now my ex, we didn't break up because of the distance. Similarly, we were both very busy, and the time difference didn't help. However, we had a standing arrangement that we had to talk 3 times a week at least even if just for 5-10 minutes, usually facetime, and we had to text goodnight/goodmorning everyday, and one skype date a week. Sometimes that meant that I had to wake up at 7am instead of 7.30 or he had to go to bed at 11 instead of 10. So it is doable if you both commit to it. Another thing that helps is having a fixed end date, but he has a lot going on, so don't put any pressure on him. Let him go and settle down, and figure out what it is he wants to do, and you just be supportive for now. Sometimes we get so preoccupied with the attention we are not getting that we forget it isn't deliberate. If money is not an issue, one of you can also visit the other. There were times I was literally in England for just a weekend, expensive trip, but it was worth it for me. Good luck

Thanks for taking the time to respond! I feel a lot better after reading that. I think it's just hard because he's not much of a texter or a phone person. Maybe it's the generational gap because he's five years older. It's difficult to stay optimistic because I feel like I need more emotional support from him than he does from me... Which makes me feel distant from him. But you're right, I'll do my best to support him.

 

[750335]

Thanks for taking the time to respond! I feel a lot better after reading that. I think it's just hard because he's not much of a texter or a phone person. Maybe it's the generational gap because he's five years older. It's difficult to stay optimistic because I feel like I need more emotional support from him than he does from me... Which makes me feel distant from him. But you're right, I'll do my best to support him.

Everyone is a texter or phone person when the people we are crazy about are involved. We are 5 years apart too, and I'm not big on phones either, but I had a phone just for him so he could reach me, and vice versa. There was something about knowing I could always reach him that was comforting and same for him. About emotional support, I think you may have to find some alternative source for that for a while. He needs yours more than the reverse now, so would be unfair to pile it on. That is not to say you can't still tell him stuff, or get his support or opinion, it's just that for now, you need to keep it mostly to important stuff. You will be talking just a few times a day, the last thing you want to do is spend those few minutes arguing, or with him feeling guilty for being away. Yes, he was supposed to call, and he never did, and as much as it sucks, you have to understand it wasn't intentionally to hurt. That makes a difference. So when he does call next time, instead of giving him hell, you can mention it but you two move on, so it doesn't fester and create a bigger problem.

This, sadly is growing up and sometimes it means being in situations where the only time you saw him in the past 6 months was at a coffee date in the airport as he waited for another flight to take him even further away from you haha. You will be fine, and fwiw when you do finally see him again, the mutual desire to eat each other up is worth it. Oddly, the distance ended up bringing us much closer; we learned to be independent even though we were in a relationship, and it was all round a very healthy relationship.

 

[NucleusO]

Everyone is a texter or phone person when the people we are crazy about are involved. We are 5 years apart too, and I'm not big on phones either, but I had a phone just for him so he could reach me, and vice versa. There was something about knowing I could always reach him that was comforting and same for him. About emotional support, I think you may have to find some alternative source for that for a while. He needs yours more than the reverse now, so would be unfair to pile it on. That is not to say you can't still tell him stuff, or get his support or opinion, it's just that for now, you need to keep it mostly to important stuff. You will be talking just a few times a day, the last thing you want to do is spend those few minutes arguing, or with him feeling guilty for being away. Yes, he was supposed to call, and he never did, and as much as it sucks, you have to understand it wasn't intentionally to hurt. That makes a difference. So when he does call next time, instead of giving him hell, you can mention it but you two move on, so it doesn't fester and create a bigger problem.

This, sadly is growing up and sometimes it means being in situations where the only time you saw him in the past 6 months was at a coffee date in the airport as he waited for another flight to take him even further away from you haha. You will be fine, and fwiw when you do finally see him again, the mutual desire to eat each other up is worth it. Oddly, the distance ended up bringing us much closer; we learned to be independent even though we were in a relationship, and it was all round a very healthy relationship.

Thank you for everything that you've written. I was going through a really hard time and your words gave me comfort. Currently my bf decided that we will just be friends because we will be apart from each other for an indefinite amount of time. We're in no position to make any promises or commitments to each other. He said that the only thing he could do for me was to let me be free while I'm in medical school.

 

[750335]

Thank you for everything that you've written. I was going through a really hard time and your words gave me comfort. Currently my bf decided that we will just be friends because we will be apart from each other for an indefinite amount of time. We're in no position to make any promises or commitments to each other. He said that the only thing he could do for me was to let me be free while I'm in medical school.

I know it sucks but try to make the best of it. Might not seem like it now but could be good for both of you. Maybe someday when things are more stable you can find your way back to each other *hugs*