Long distance MARRIAGE in med school

Started by CharmCityRunner
BU Medical Sciences
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CharmCityRunner

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So here is my situation-

I'm starting med school in august. My husband of almost 2 years is an MHA, who was originally going to take a consulting job which would have allowed him to relocate to just about anywhere I got into school. It was just too perfect.... then in November he was offered a job as the Transplant Administrator at a hospital in DC, which is his dream job. I encouraged him to take it, although he was more than willing to pass it up to make sure we wouldn't be separated. I narrowed down my choices of schools to RWJ in NJ, which I love, and GW in DC, which would be near him. Now with all the drama at GW, and the fact that I'm only on the alternate list, it looks like we will be living 4 hours apart for the next four years. I want him to keep his job, and he wants me to go to the school I love. I know the distance won't be easy, but we've got a really solid relationship and he supports what I want to do 100%- I got a little scared at the negative reactions people have had to similar posts.

Has anyone pulled this off before? I feel confident... am I being naive? 😕
 
I think it really depends on the people involved... I have a classmate who is in a long-distance marriage, and the distance is a lot more than 4 hrs. They're doing fine, but the husband is military, so I think long-distance marriages are common. And lots of PhD + postdocs do that too-- tho the PhD program is different than MD. Anyway, since he's your husband, you can always try the distance and then figure out something else if it's not working. LOTS of people have LD relationships in med school-- and marriage is different, but I think it can work. Personally, I'm in a LD relationship getting married this summer, and my fiance is going to move here because we didn't want to do a LD marriage.

Anyway, nobody can tell you what to do, and it's not an ideal situation, but it HAS been done before. I don't think this is that helpful-- application season isn't over, so you can still wait!!
 
Yeah, it can be done, just make sure hubby wears his rubber boots when he comes in out of the rain, and do not get pregnant.
 
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The medical education process is set up to try to ruin relationships as well and efficiently as possible, what with unpredictable admissions to medical schools, a residency matching system that can plop you down pretty much anywhere, and hours that pretty much guarantee that you get no time with your family even if you lived with them...
 
Possible yes, but why would you choose to?? Life is too short for me to be willing to live a long distance from my wife for four years. 5% of an 80 year life just to go to a different school? Or have a better job? I'd choose my wife every day of the week. It can work, but just really ask yourself if it is worth it!

Good luck!
 
I am 2 1/2 hours away from my husband and 2 kids (teenagers). I won't lie and say it has been a cake walk, but we're doing fine. (We're 7 months into it.) With cell phones, skype, email, etc., it's much more doable than it was even a few years ago.

Just remember that med school is only 4 years. The decisions can last a lifetime!

Good luck!
 
DrJD said:
Possible yes, but why would you choose to?? Life is too short for me to be willing to live a long distance from my wife for four years. 5% of an 80 year life just to go to a different school? Or have a better job? I'd choose my wife every day of the week. It can work, but just really ask yourself if it is worth it!

Good luck!
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Amen! I couldn't have said it any better.
 
I am getting married this June and am pretty sure my fiance are going to be apart for at least three years. It is definately not something I am looking forward to, but I think it is do-able. In our case, he is going to law school (probably Stanford) and I am going to be in Ohio for med school. People get through it...
 
chad5871 said:
Dealing with the distance could arguably make your relationship stronger. If it was completely unbearable then I'm sure your husband would be able to transfer or find another job near you.
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👍
 
My wife and I will also be doing long-distance. Jobs can be changed. If it's really not working out for you, hopefully he'll leave his job to come be with you.

My wife and I did long distance for about a year and a half while I finished my Master's degree. We learned a lot about communication and really enjoyed the time we did get to spend together, which was usually only 1 weekend per month. It's not impossible, it's just not as much fun.
 
I wouldn't do it myself, but obviously lots of people do and thrive at it.

In a way, it will be nice because when you do spend time together, you can have planned in advance and really lavish attention on each other. And you can also eliminate all the little squabbles about whose turn it was to take the trash out anyway.

Try it. Be very focussed and organized with your time, and see each other as much as you can. With a 4 hour commute, I don't see why he couldn't be there most weekends.
 
I have been engaged for 2-1/2 years, and my fiance and I decided not to get married immediately because he was leaving for grad school in IN (I'm in AZ). Well, we've done long-distance now for the past two years, and we will have one more next year, as he will be finishing in IN and I will be in med school in AZ. We are also have our wedding date set for this summer.

It has definitely been hard, going for sometimes 4 months without seeing each other. But, you find fun and quirky ways to still have a relationship that, in a way, actually enhance it. We've had a blast writing letters and leaving hilarious videos for each other using webcam. I think it has been good for us because we now feel we can get through anything and that our relationship is more solid than before, and I think we really appreciate each other and spend more quality time when we're together now. We always see it as something we'll be able to tell the grandkids, you know? And honestly, sometimes I appreciate the quiet time for studying - he can be really funny and off-the-wall and sometimes it's nice not to have the distraction, haha!

I like what DrJ said, and I agree, but for us it was my dream to go to med school and his dream to go to IU for Opera Performance. We decided that a couple of years for us both to reach our individual goals will make us happier and better as a couple in the long run. I wouldn't have wanted him to ever feel that I held him back, or vice-versa; we obviously say (and consciously feel) that we would never feel that way, but come on, we're all human and it's possible at some point we would have regrets. I also like what Chad said - if it just doesn't work for you guys, change it!

Good luck!
 
CharmCityRunner said:
So here is my situation-

I'm starting med school in august. My husband of almost 2 years is an MHA, who was originally going to take a consulting job which would have allowed him to relocate to just about anywhere I got into school. It was just too perfect.... then in November he was offered a job as the Transplant Administrator at a hospital in DC, which is his dream job. I encouraged him to take it, although he was more than willing to pass it up to make sure we wouldn't be separated. I narrowed down my choices of schools to RWJ in NJ, which I love, and GW in DC, which would be near him. Now with all the drama at GW, and the fact that I'm only on the alternate list, it looks like we will be living 4 hours apart for the next four years. I want him to keep his job, and he wants me to go to the school I love. I know the distance won't be easy, but we've got a really solid relationship and he supports what I want to do 100%- I got a little scared at the negative reactions people have had to similar posts.

Has anyone pulled this off before? I feel confident... am I being naive? 😕
Click to expand...

Yes, it can be done. My spouse and I did (before kids) for 2 years when I was in graduate school. Though people argue that grad school and med school are different, I disagree. We lived about 600 miles away and saw each other once, sometimes twice a month. I cannot and would not do it now. I'm so used to having someone around to bounce ideas off, to calm me down when I get anxious, to help me see a different perspective and to help me keep my sanity. So, we decided that I should go to med school locally, instead of staying apart. Moving as a family is not an option, especially in this economy.

With you two being only 4 hours apart and I'm assuming no kids, it can be much easier, especially with the Amtrak service. Staying apart can be hard or easy, it depends on your personalities, nobody else can realistically answer that question. It is all about compromises and communication. Worst case scenario, you will go to GW and you are still an MD from a competitive school.
 
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DrJD said:
Possible yes, but why would you choose to?? Life is too short for me to be willing to live a long distance from my wife for four years. 5% of an 80 year life just to go to a different school? Or have a better job? I'd choose my wife every day of the week. It can work, but just really ask yourself if it is worth it!

Good luck!
Click to expand...

Exactly. My husband quit a great job to move with me for med school. He's got a pretty crappy one here in comparison. It was a huge sacrifice he made, but I would have done the same for him. It hasn't been easy, but neither of us regret it. Ever since my best friend's 28 year old husband was killed in a car accident a few years ago, we have thought differently about life. We can say "oh its only 4 years"...but who says we're even going to get the full 80?

It can be done successfully I'm sure, but I would be too miserable.
 
bioteach said:
Exactly. My husband quit a great job to move with me for med school. He's got a pretty crappy one here in comparison. It was a huge sacrifice he made, but I would have done the same for him. It hasn't been easy, but neither of us regret it. Ever since my best friend's 28 year old husband was killed in a car accident a few years ago, we have thought differently about life. We can say "oh its only 4 years"...but who says we're even going to get the full 80?

It can be done successfully I'm sure, but I would be too miserable.
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Exactly... Life is just too short... My wife will be moving to wherever I get into medical school and she will likely not be able to get near as a good of a job. However, we never for a second considered long distance.

I guess I don't have anything to add, other than that I really agree with this. You never know if you're going to get the whole 80. You might die shortly after medical school and when you are laying on your death bed would you be A) Happy to have gone to your first choice school or B) Sad that you didn't have more time with your spouse?

I know its morbid, but you never know so you should think about these things...
 
Ideal? Nope. Do able? Yup.

My wife and I did it for a year when she was in medical school. In fact, I was the one with the job that took me away. I moved two weeks after we were married. It was fine. I wouldn't recommend starting a marriage that way, but it was never a problem for us.

Now I'm the one in medical school and there's no way I would be happy being apart. That probably has more to do with being a father now than anything else. Kids change everything.
 
Four years of med-school, THEN, three years of residency...

For every couple that makes a long distance separation work, there are 12,453 couples that didn't make it.
 
I think it can work. I am hoping as well since I got engaged a few months ago. I think if both of you are committed to each other and realize that it won't be a bed of roses, then you will be that one couple and not be in the other 12, 453!
 
It depends but maybe you should try and find a middle ground? Like you waiting another year to either apply to a closer school or see if your husband enjoys his job enough to stay or would be willing to transfer.
 
DrJD said:
Possible yes, but why would you choose to?? Life is too short for me to be willing to live a long distance from my wife for four years. 5% of an 80 year life just to go to a different school? Or have a better job? I'd choose my wife every day of the week. It can work, but just really ask yourself if it is worth it!

Good luck!
Click to expand...

Exactly! 5% of an 80 year life is NOTHING. Go where YOU want to go. If that means with your husband, then do that, but if that means away from your husband because you prefer the school, do that.
 
CharmCityRunner said:
So here is my situation-

I'm starting med school in august. My husband of almost 2 years is an MHA, who was originally going to take a consulting job which would have allowed him to relocate to just about anywhere I got into school. It was just too perfect.... then in November he was offered a job as the Transplant Administrator at a hospital in DC, which is his dream job. I encouraged him to take it, although he was more than willing to pass it up to make sure we wouldn't be separated. I narrowed down my choices of schools to RWJ in NJ, which I love, and GW in DC, which would be near him. Now with all the drama at GW, and the fact that I'm only on the alternate list, it looks like we will be living 4 hours apart for the next four years. I want him to keep his job, and he wants me to go to the school I love. I know the distance won't be easy, but we've got a really solid relationship and he supports what I want to do 100%- I got a little scared at the negative reactions people have had to similar posts.

Has anyone pulled this off before? I feel confident... am I being naive? 😕
Click to expand...

I think this is a bad idea. Long distance relationships almost never work out, especially if you are used to being close together.
 
funkymunkytoes said:
Exactly! 5% of an 80 year life is NOTHING. Go where YOU want to go. If that means with your husband, then do that, but if that means away from your husband because you prefer the school, do that.
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You think that 5% of your life is nothing? Holy crap thats scary... Again that is assuming you have 80 years... How can you hold marriage in such low self esteem? How is school more important than time with your spouse?

Man...
 
DrJD said:
You think that 5% of your life is nothing? Holy crap thats scary... Again that is assuming you have 80 years... How can you hold marriage in such low self esteem? How is school more important than time with your spouse?

Man...
Click to expand...

True love 😍

Yeah, long distance is a notorious relationship killer.
 
DrJD said:
How is school more important than time with your spouse?
Click to expand...

It's an investment. My better half and I simply decided that by 2009 she could be finished with grad school and we could be ready to move on together. The alternative was for her to stay stuck in a dead end job that created much strife and misery. It has actually been great to see her blossom and grow while she finishes her education, something that was not possible in this city.

In the end, it was a matter of forgoing short term benefit for a greater long term good.
 
funkymunkytoes said:
Exactly! 5% of an 80 year life is NOTHING. Go where YOU want to go. If that means with your husband, then do that, but if that means away from your husband because you prefer the school, do that.
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5% of your life is a lot. Its time you cannot get back, and being that our time in this life is not infinite, in fact it is very short, it tends to run out a lot quicker than we like to think it will. And for some, it runs out even quicker than we could ever expect.

It's like being given 80 dollars when you're born and having to spend a dollar for each year of your life, and never being able to earn any more. Would you really want to spend a few of those dollars on something that will, most likely, make no difference (job offers could make a difference, but choice of school, probably not, as long as you enjoy it there)? Or would you rather spend those dollars wisely and be able to look back at what you bought, and be content?

Of course we're talking an ideal world where you have that kind of choice. But I'd say if you do have any kind of choice, it would be to not have a long-distance relationship if at all possible.

Just my opinion though. People survive it, some think it makes their relationship stronger, and there's a good chance it might. There's also a good chance it could crush it. I think just being together and being happy in one another's company would make the relationship stronger in itself.
 
Long distance is awful. I would do anything to avoid having a long distance relationship again. I've had several serious ones. It takes such a huge toll.
 
I'm curious as to what you guys think is long distance? Is living an hour or so away long distance? You really have to think that what you're going into is going to make your relationship "long distance" anyways. Sure living together wouldn't be exactly the same, but going through medical school and then a residency... you're not going to be with each other for a large amount of time every day ANYWAYS.
 
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I wouldn't consider one hour very long distance. Seeing eachother once or twice each month is what I'd consider pretty "long distance".
 
We didn't have any long distance marriages in my class, but I could definitely tell you the % of long distance unmarried long distance relaitionships that have lasted from my class (lim --> 0 as t --> 1 year). You could also look up the % divorce rate amoung military spouses when their wives and hubbies starts deploying for war (not as bad as you might think, but still not good). Keep in mind that those stats are for marriages being strained for signifcantly less selfish reasons than one partner wanting to take a 'dream job' rather than just a 'very good job',. This is assuming that you have no kids. The scariest set of stats is the relative achievments and emotional health of kids from single parent homes compared to those from 2 parent homes. Now these are all statistics, and you could beat the average. But do you want to roll the dice with this?


Now don't get me wrong, if you truely had not choice I'm not saying it can't be done (we did have one married couple that was long distance for just short of a year while the wife changed jobs) but it doesn't sound like you're in an unfixable situation.

BTW, make sure GWU is advised of both your situation and the fact you've been accepted elsewhere. ADCOMs aren't heartless and they might be able to work something out. Maybe they could accept you for next year's class rather than this year's? A year off (or time to do a 1 year MPH) wouldn't be a bad thing in any event. You could also reapply, or defer for a year to give your husband time to move his job to NJ.

Good luck, whatever you choose to do

I'm curious as to what you guys think is long distance? Is living an hour or so away long distance? You really have to think that what you're going into is going to make your relationship "long distance" anyways. Sure living together wouldn't be exactly the same, but going through medical school and then a residency... you're not going to be with each other for a large amount of time every day ANYWAYS.
Click to expand...

Isn't this a reason FOR living together. I mean you're right that both medical school and transplant manager are time intensive. After clinicals start I don't know how you could possibly be making 4 hour trips on a regular basis.
 
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Well if the OP's hubby keeps his job indefinitely theres a good chance that a residency you really want won't be in DC and then you will get to spend the next 4 years for MD then 3-7 more years apart for residency. 4 years apart would be a best case sounds like to me.
 
Mine have varied from 2-hour drive to transatlantic. They can work out but it's really not fun.

If you do it, my big advice is make sure to use Skype to keep your phone bill down.
 
DrJD said:
Possible yes, but why would you choose to?? Life is too short for me to be willing to live a long distance from my wife for four years. 5% of an 80 year life just to go to a different school? Or have a better job? I'd choose my wife every day of the week. It can work, but just really ask yourself if it is worth it!
Click to expand...
Agreed. Having my wife with me has been an incredible amount of support that just wasn't the same when we did long distance in undergrad. Taking half a day or an entire day just to drive to see your spouse is going to eat up an insane amount of time. My classmates in LDRs would drive to be with their SO and then have to study for a large part of the time they were there anyways. That would've made me miserable.
 
funkymunkytoes said:
Exactly! 5% of an 80 year life is NOTHING. Go where YOU want to go.
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It's not going to feel like nothing when you've been married for one year and then don't get to see your spouse regularly for the next five.

cbrons said:
When you're married you don't always get to just "do what you wanna do." Grow up.
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Uh, duh. However, you can make compromises. One person postpones school while the other goes to school, and then you switch. I know a few people doing that.
 
TheProwler said:
However, you can make compromises. One person postpones school while the other goes to school, and then you switch. I know a few people doing that.
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I think this is the key and really answers the questions. Todays youth has a very "me" attitude. I'll go to that school or take that job because its what I want. Etc, etc... However, once you are married you give up the right to think like that. It is all about compromise.

Compromise isn't, we'll deal with living apart for four years. Compromise is, one spouse works at a job they aren't fond of for four years so you can go to school, compromise is you waiting a year to start school. My wife right now is working at a job she doesn't like so that I can live in DC and have the opportunity to attend a SMP program.

Compromise with each other, but don't compromise your marriage. Good luck!
 
I'm really praying I don't have to do long-distance with my s.o. I'm glad he's flexible enough to move with me.
 
DrJD said:
Compromise is, one spouse works at a job they aren't fond of for four years so you can go to school, compromise is you waiting a year to start school.
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Yeah, I have a friend just finishing pharmacy school who has a very unaccommodating husband. He's a school teacher, and he hasn't been able to find work as a teacher near her school. So they spent the first year apart. The next year, she planned all of her rotations so that she'd be much closer to his teaching job. And then he got a different teaching job across the state, so she's alone again. Now she's finally almost done with school, and she's not doing a residency so they can be together, and now he doesn't want her to get the kind of job that she wants, because she'd have kind of a long commute. I told her to stand her ground, because it's about time that he had to compromise.
 
How about a compromise? I know it will suck but it may be worth it. Why don't you guys find somewhere to live that is in between each place and commute? It means less sleep and more gas money, but if you find that long distance becomes too difficult, it may be a solution. Maybe not the ideal solution, but there really is no ideal solution. I think if you are both dedicated enough you can do it without a doubt. It will SUCK, and not be easy by any means, but it is possible definitely. I wish you the best of luck! :luck::xf:👍😍
 
Read Anthony DeMello's book titled Awareness, then you'll see what I'm talking about. Do not depend on any one else for your happiness - more marriages end up in divorce anyways. If you have a kid, then I'd say stay together, but if not, go to which school you like the best.

Edit: Marriage is so 20th century anyhow!
 
One long distance marriage in my class ended after 1.5 years b/c he cheated on her and then decided to divorce her. Now, one could probably argue that that marriage wasn't going to make it anyway... but who knows.

Really, the point of being married is to be together. Sure, there are couples that don't have a choice (ie, both want to go to grad school and end up only getting accepted to schools that are apart from each other), but med school is 4 years, and then residency is 3+. You have less control over where you go for residency than you do for med school. So how long is this long distance thing going to go on for? He can get a new job, and it might suck, but you can always make a deal that after you're done with med school/residency, you will try to move wherever HE wants so that he can get the job he wants. Yeah, no one wants to pu their life on hold, but at the same time... you're MARRIED.
 
I know quite a few people who have a long-distance marriage in med school. Seems to work just fine for them.
 
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