long-distance marriage?

Started by drtransformers
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drtransformers

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If I can get some serious opinions/advice on this matter, I would greatly appreciate it.

My fiance` is a MS1 very far from home (18 hr drive). I love her, she loves me. I hate long distance relationships but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I am also applying to medical school and put her school on my app, however, I got rejected last week. Before that, though, I proposed. The plan was if I got into her school, I would go there but if I got in elsewhere and not there, she would try to transfer.
Now she's saying she's not leaving her school. That she loves the school and the town and moving would be bad for her education. I'm having a hard time understanding because all I keep hearing is she has chosen that school over her life with me. Am I being unreasonable? Should I walk away? Or should we just wait until we've both finished with school and then talk about our futures? I'm opting for the last option but she's saying postponing or canceling our engagement would ruin us. She wants to do a long distance marriage. :scared: Please help. I need to hear from others that might be in a similar situation.

And for those who are wondering, yes, I started this account just to ask this question. I am a regular to SDN but I did want some discretion in regards to this matter. Thank you in advance for your time.
 
drtransformers said:
If I can get some serious opinions/advice on this matter, I would greatly appreciate it.

My fiance` is a MS1 very far from home (18 hr drive). I love her, she loves me. I hate long distance relationships but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I am also applying to medical school and put her school on my app, however, I got rejected last week. Before that, though, I proposed. The plan was if I got into her school, I would go there but if I got in elsewhere and not there, she would try to transfer.
Now she's saying she's not leaving her school. That she loves the school and the town and moving would be bad for her education. I'm having a hard time understanding because all I keep hearing is she has chosen that school over her life with me. Am I being unreasonable? Should I walk away? Or should we just wait until we've both finished with school and then talk about our futures? I'm opting for the last option but she's saying postponing or canceling our engagement would ruin us. She wants to do a long distance marriage. :scared: Please help. I need to hear from others that might be in a similar situation.

And for those who are wondering, yes, I started this account just to ask this question. I am a regular to SDN but I did want some discretion in regards to this matter. Thank you in advance for your time.
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The fact that she will not, period, even try to transfer schools doesn't bode well. You don't want to be married apart, which in my opinion is completely reasonable. If she is unable to either wait until you can be together to be married, or try to transfer to be close enough to you to actually be married together, I would take that as a major warning sign.

If waiting to be married will ruin you, what will being apart but married do? It will be the distance and absence, not the marriage or lack thereof, that destroys your relationship if that is what in fact happens. I certainly would not rush in to be married with the understanding that you will be apart for at least the next 3 years, and possibly up to 10 or more depending on where you both get residencies, considering your misgivings.

I would sit down with her and have a very frank discussion, that you understand her desire to stay at her school, but you cannot accept being away from her for that length of time, especially if she is unwilling to consider transferring, and see what her response is. If her response is "well, we are over then" you have your answer. If, instead, you decide you would really rather be married to her even though she is so far away you can rarely see her, you have your answer.
 
I don't think Dr. Phil roams around SDN..

Buttt I guess I'm next best.

I feel she should still reconsider transferring...unless you plan on going to the carribean or a much lower ranked program. The reality is she worked hard her whole life to get where she is and doesn't want to hurt her chances at success. I still think she should reconsider and check out the schools you are accepted to. Maybe postponing the marriage until she graduates is best? Maybe you could transfer? Also, if you choose a school in a big city and she works really hard then she could get a residency near you and you live together. There are other possibilities for sure but you have to talk about it and plan.

My gf now just started law school and I'm on the train back from visiting now, it's only 6 hours but still, it's hard. She could have gone to any law school she wanted(even Columbia or NYU which are both on my island), but she chose the school she always wanted. I'm going planning on
Attending med school, pending this cycle, so it's going to be even harder. We try to plan it out as much as possible to make this work, going pretty well so far. That's all you can really do in these situations. But, if it's meant to be, then it will work.
 
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drtransformers said:
If I can get some serious opinions/advice on this matter, I would greatly appreciate it.

My fiance` is a MS1 very far from home (18 hr drive). I love her, she loves me. I hate long distance relationships but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I am also applying to medical school and put her school on my app, however, I got rejected last week. Before that, though, I proposed. The plan was if I got into her school, I would go there but if I got in elsewhere and not there, she would try to transfer.
Now she's saying she's not leaving her school. That she loves the school and the town and moving would be bad for her education. I'm having a hard time understanding because all I keep hearing is she has chosen that school over her life with me. Am I being unreasonable? Should I walk away? Or should we just wait until we've both finished with school and then talk about our futures? I'm opting for the last option but she's saying postponing or canceling our engagement would ruin us. She wants to do a long distance marriage. :scared: Please help. I need to hear from others that might be in a similar situation.

And for those who are wondering, yes, I started this account just to ask this question. I am a regular to SDN but I did want some discretion in regards to this matter. Thank you in advance for your time.
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Am I being unreasonable? YES!

Should I walk away? NO!

Should we just wait until we've both finished with school and then talk about our futures? YES!

Stop being a girl! Education should be a priority at this stage and obviously she is the only one in this relationship who gets it. As a med student you won't have that much time to walk around holding hands anyways. If you love her then you will make sure that she is doing well in school without any added pressure of her "girly" bf running away. A long distance relationship is not all that bad when both partners have a really busy schedule. Take a deep breath. Remember, you can skype her everyday. 🙂
 
Sutton said:
Am I being unreasonable? YES!

Should I walk away? NO!

Should we just wait until we've both finished with school and then talk about our futures? YES!

Stop being a girl! Education should be a priority at this stage and obviously she is the only one in this relationship who gets it. As a med student you won't have that much time to walk around holding hands anyways. If you love her then you will make sure that she is doing well in school without any added pressure of her "girly" bf running away. A long distance relationship is not all that bad when both partners have a really busy schedule. Take a deep breath. Remember, you can skype her everyday. 🙂
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Putting education before the rest of your life again and again, ad nauseum, and then you realize you're 40 and you despise your life. What's your point?
 
Did you apply to any schools that are in the same city as her medical school? If she's in a more rural area, have you applied to any that are closer than an 18-hour drive? While being at the same school would obviously be the best case scenario, you're both going to have to make sacrifices if you want to stay together. I don't think that asking her to transfer is very reasonable because it is extremely difficult to transfer as a medical student (very few spaces are available at schools), and she has probably already developed relationships with the other students and faculty at her school.
 
Evergrey said:
Putting education before the rest of your life again and again, ad nauseum, and then you realize you're 40 and you despise your life. What's your point?
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Your chance of having a successful marriage is less than 50%. Education stays with you for the rest of your life. That's my point genius. :meanie:

If you despise your life at any point, it has nothing to do with whether you are in a relationship or single. There are other deeper issues at play. I know more miserable married people than otherwise.
 
penguinism said:
Did you apply to any schools that are in the same city as her medical school? If she's in a more rural area, have you applied to any that are closer than an 18-hour drive? While being at the same school would obviously be the best case scenario, you're both going to have to make sacrifices if you want to stay together. I don't think that asking her to transfer is very reasonable because it is extremely difficult to transfer as a medical student (very few spaces are available at schools), and she has probably already developed relationships with the other students and faculty at her school.
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Exactly!
 
As others have pointed out, your plan (that your fiance would transfer to your school if you failed to join her at her med school) was destined to fail from the outset - switching med schools is extremely rare.

Break it off and move on, and see where it all stands in about 4 years.
 
If you are planning on getting married, medical school is honestly more of a joint decision than just your own. That, I understand. My fiance refuses to leave home and it's going to take a lot of pushing to convince him to move to a city 3 hours away, leave his job, etc. I'm mainly applying only IS for this reason, despite wanting to apply OOS.

You need to calm down and breathe about the situation though. Don't ask her to move, transferring is difficult and she's already made bonds there.
Long distance marriage can work if you're not 18 hours away. Figure out what you're comfortable with - seeing her every day vs. once a week - and go from there. Personally, a 3 hour radius is reasonable and totally doable..

The best thing that you can do NOW is to pick a school relatively close to hers so you guys can see each other on a semi regular basis. Don't cancel the engagement, just postpone the wedding date until you know where you're going. You don't sound 100% comfortable marrying this chick LDR, so don't do it. Postponing a marriage never hurt anyone.
 
I didn't do it for medical school, but I was in that situation coming out of high school. His career took him to Iraq, and mine involved college in the US. We agreed to revisit whether things were still working well periodically while we pursued our careers, and I chose a lower-ranked school closer to his family so that we could see each other more easily when he had leave (my decision, not his--he wanted me to go to the top 5 school). Looking back on my life, I wish I had gone to that dream school so that I could have figured out my research career more easily than I did at the lower-ranked research school. As for the relationship, we broke up for a few years and have revisited the possibility now that he's staying in the States.

Bottom line, work it out with her so that neither of you are miserable. Is there a school nearby that you could attend (same state, for example)?
 
Sutton said:
Am I being unreasonable? YES!

Should I walk away? NO!

Should we just wait until we've both finished with school and then talk about our futures? YES!

Stop being a girl! Education should be a priority at this stage and obviously she is the only one in this relationship who gets it. As a med student you won't have that much time to walk around holding hands anyways. If you love her then you will make sure that she is doing well in school without any added pressure of her "girly" bf running away. A long distance relationship is not all that bad when both partners have a really busy schedule. Take a deep breath. Remember, you can skype her everyday. 🙂
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Sutton said:
Your chance of having a successful marriage is less than 50%. Education stays with you for the rest of your life. That's my point genius. :meanie:

If you despise your life at any point, it has nothing to do with whether you are in a relationship or single. There are other deeper issues at play. I know more miserable married people than otherwise.
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Don't take relationship advice from this guy.

And don't do a long-distance marriage.
 
NYCMS2 said:
As others have pointed out, your plan (that your fiance would transfer to your school if you failed to join her at her med school) was destined to fail from the outset - switching med schools is extremely rare.

Break it off and move on, and see where it all stands in about 4 years.
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It's not uncommon in situations like this. It's just that SDNers almost always ask about transferring to an Ivy League from a state school just because they want the pedigree.
 
<-------- Not a guy. 🙂

And you boys need to grow a pair and stop being such girls. We are NOT going back in the kitchen. LOL
 
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TheProwler said:
It's not uncommon in situations like this. It's just that SDNers almost always ask about transferring to an Ivy League from a state school just because they want the pedigree.
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Yeah, I've looked at med school transfer policies, and the schools that do allow it generally state that things liek family emergency in which you need to live by a family member or marriage are warranted reasons (i.e. they won't take you as a transfer just cuz you wanna move up the ranks, lol). But it also depends on them having room in the class, so that's far from a guarantee.

If you could end up somewhere with a 5 hour drive or so, you could still spend the weekends together. Would have to know more about exactly where she is and where you've applied to give more specific advice, but most of us can't really give too much advice in regards to your relationship itself.
 
Sutton said:
<-------- Not a guy. 🙂

And you boys need to grow a pair and stop being such girls. We are NOT going back in the kitchen. LOL
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I've got a pair. My children are a testament to that.

If you're out of state, your marriage is already on very, very thin ice. I'm sure there are examples of it working, but the exception does not make the rule.

Your relationship advice sucks either way. Education can be a priority without being the only priority. Calling him "girly" was juvenile and rude.
 
Well this is oddly familiar. I'm an MS1 18 hours from my fiancé...I agree that it isn't the best situation and most couples wouldnt make it work, but it's possible.
I do not think asking her to transfer is very practical at all. When they say it depends on space in a class, I believe this counts on people having to repeat a year or dropping out and that doesn't happen so often that you could bank on it. It happens, and some schools accept transfer students (some only in certain years), but why should she have to make a huge adjustment during an already stressful period of her life? Not a good way to start your life together.

That being said, maybe waiting is your best option. Who knows if you'll even be in the same city for residency.
 
Sephiroth said:
Yeah, I've looked at med school transfer policies, and the schools that do allow it generally state that things liek family emergency in which you need to live by a family member or marriage are warranted reasons (i.e. they won't take you as a transfer just cuz you wanna move up the ranks, lol). But it also depends on them having room in the class, so that's far from a guarantee.

If you could end up somewhere with a 5 hour drive or so, you could still spend the weekends together. Would have to know more about exactly where she is and where you've applied to give more specific advice, but most of us can't really give too much advice in regards to your relationship itself.
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We were both living in TX but she is now in the Midwest. I am applying to schools in the southeast because that is where we are from originally. She applied there during her cycle but was not admitted. Although I don't care much for her school, I would have gone. It didn't pan out that way though.

If I get into a FL or GA school or even here in TX, that would mean an 18+ hr drive or expensive flights. And while transferring is rare, it is not impossible. A few schools said as long as a spot is available, they would let her transfer in. I spoke to them myself while I was researching programs for myself.

We a not fresh out of college either so please don't think this is puppy love. We're both nontraditionals with history. I just don't get the fascination of one particular school over a life you practically begged for. I think I'd rather wait until we both finish med school than try to do something this serious at a distance. I mean, isn't it the same as a long distance relationship?
 
drtransformers said:
We were both living in TX but she is now in the Midwest.

We a not fresh out of college either so please don't think this is puppy love. We're both nontraditionals with history. I just don't get the fascination of one particular school over a life you practically begged for. I think I'd rather wait until we both finish med school than try to do something this serious at a distance. I mean, isn't it the same as a long distance relationship?
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So apply to a bunch of schools in the Chicago area - there's at least 6 (NU, Rush, Loyola, UC, UIC, Ros Franklin), including at least one DO school (Midwestern). You'll be closer to her than Texas, and she has a wide variety of schools that she could apply to for transfer. You could always apply for a transfer to her school. Keep an open mind.

You could also wait a year, so that she's at least halfway through med school (it would be easier to transfer at the halfway point, in a natural break in the curriculum), or you would at least have only 2 years apart.

Lastly, did you try calling the director of admissions and explaining that your fiance is a student there? If they didn't realize that, they'll probably give you additional consideration given that fact.
 
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Break it off now and decide to pick up after you guys are done with school. See if there is still a spark then, if not, move on. Long distances relations are hard to work out especially with stressors (in this case, med school).

But then again, I am a pessimist.
 
I wouldn't switch schools. Give it a year of school for the both of you and discuss it further after that year. I wouldn't get married now either.
 
Dude there is no way a long distance marriage is going to work in med school lets be real here. I started dating my fiance 5.5 years ago right when we graduated college. We met when we were 14 in early high school and never were together until we started dating. Anyways. She moved to DC I moved to philly and we did the long distance relationship thing for 2 years....and then it go to the point where it was unbearable to try to keep that going. It turned into a "you need to move to philly bc im going to med school here soon vs we breakup" situation. She ended up moving up here 3ish years ago now...and things turned out fine..were getting married in a few months...the end.

But you will hit that point where it will become unbearable to deal with...and being in medschool...yeah F that. Little time, little money, driving involved....you do realize that weekends in med school are for studying right? You dont get weekends off anymore.

Just sayin.
 
Sutton said:
Your chance of having a successful marriage is less than 50%. Education stays with you for the rest of your life. That's my point genius. :meanie:
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Your "statistic" is void because marriage, and the continuance thereof, are not random events. And who gives a flip if education stays with you your whole life (we'll grant that it does, even though a lot of people cram and rinse)? Knowing when the Constitution was signed is worth jacksh** relative to the maintenance of healthy and fulfilling human relationships.

If you despise your life at any point, it has nothing to do with whether you are in a relationship or single. There are other deeper issues at play. I know more miserable married people than otherwise.
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Sure, it's possible to be happy despite being single, but it's also possible to be happy without having 18 graduate/professional degrees.
 
I would just walk now, OP.

It's overwhelmingly likely that this relationship won't work out - and your fiancee is only being practical by refusing to transfer schools. I tell every prospective girlfriend that med school is my top priority, and on some level you (and her) must have known that, too. You've both been pre-meds for longer than you've been dating, right?

Trying to "make this thing work" is likely to result in the slow, painful atrophying and eventual quiet, depressing death of your relationship.

If you want to be with this girl, end things now before the attraction rots away. You stand a much higher chance of getting back together with her later, than trying to force it right now. Sucks, OP, truly. But right now you've got a decision to make.
 
Sutton said:
<-------- Not a guy. 🙂

And you boys need to grow a pair and stop being such girls. We are NOT going back in the kitchen. LOL
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feisty women, i love them! 😍

299165_737753614108_42708180_36047989_1035259089_n.jpg
 
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drtransformers said:
We were both living in TX but she is now in the Midwest. I am applying to schools in the southeast because that is where we are from originally. She applied there during her cycle but was not admitted. Although I don't care much for her school, I would have gone. It didn't pan out that way though.

If I get into a FL or GA school or even here in TX, that would mean an 18+ hr drive or expensive flights. And while transferring is rare, it is not impossible. A few schools said as long as a spot is available, they would let her transfer in. I spoke to them myself while I was researching programs for myself.

We a not fresh out of college either so please don't think this is puppy love. We're both nontraditionals with history. I just don't get the fascination of one particular school over a life you practically begged for. I think I'd rather wait until we both finish med school than try to do something this serious at a distance. I mean, isn't it the same as a long distance relationship?
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Heh, I'm from the midwest now in the southeast, so I'm familiar with the geography. A trip from Florida to the midwest is an all-day affair, nothing that could be done on a regular weekend basis. If you go into a texas school though, particularly UTH, Baylor or UTSW (esp UTSW if ur baller enough). A flight from, say Dallas to Kansas City (and KU med is close to the airport, so ur lucky if she goes there) is pretty short and fairly cheap, so that'd be doable. So yeah, like others have said, try to get in somewhere close to her, and near a major aiport if not within a 5-6hr drive. Otherwise, if ur in the florida or georgia while she's in the midwest, and ur both dealing with med school, it'll be a long distace relationship and not much different than if she were in South America, cuz you won't be seeing her in person more than once every few months unless ur loaded and a genius.
 
TheProwler said:
I've got a pair. My children are a testament to that.

If you're out of state, your marriage is already on very, very thin ice. I'm sure there are examples of it working, but the exception does not make the rule.

Your relationship advice sucks either way. Education can be a priority without being the only priority. Calling him "girly" was juvenile and rude.
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Not to mention sexist. Which is especially bizarre considering she used girly in a derogatory sense in the same line that she praised the female in the relationship for being the rational/practical one.
 
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BHaus9 said:
Your "statistic" is void because marriage, and the continuance thereof, are not random events. And who gives a flip if education stays with you your whole life (we'll grant that it does, even though a lot of people cram and rinse)? Knowing when the Constitution was signed is worth jacksh** relative to the maintenance of healthy and fulfilling human relationships.

Sure, it's possible to be happy despite being single, but it's also possible to be happy without having 18 graduate/professional degrees.
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I would urge you to rinse and repeat. :meanie: Oh, and we are just talking about one degree. LOL

BHaus9 said:
Knowing when the Constitution was signed is worth jacksh** relative to the maintenance of healthy and fulfilling human relationships.
Click to expand...

This by far is the dumbest thing I have read on SDN.
 
gbvan said:
Not to mention sexist. Which is especially bizarre considering she used girly in a derogatory sense in the same line that she praised the female in the relationship for being the rational/practical one.
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Oh great! another girly boy. :meanie:
 
Have you asked her what it is about her school that makes her not want to leave? I would think the issue would be if it's even possible and not whether or nor she wants to do it. That almost seems like a given. A four year long distance relationship is damn near impossible. I wouldn't bet on a four year long distance marriage.
 
TheProwler said:
It's not uncommon in situations like this. It's just that SDNers almost always ask about transferring to an Ivy League from a state school just because they want the pedigree.
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Can you put a number on it? I still say it is extremely rare - I never said it doesn't ever happen.
 
NYCMS2 said:
Can you put a number on it? I still say it is extremely rare - I never said it doesn't ever happen.
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Where would I get a number? Nobody publishes this, and even if they did, it's still based on individual circumstances and whether or not the school has an opening.
 
I would never want to start a marriage out by doing long distance. Add in the stress of being a brand new MS1? That would probably make >90% of marriages fail. Marriages fail all the time for MS1s, and that is with the two living together! I would say if you want to continue the relationship then do it, but understand it might not work.

I can understand not wanting to transfer. That would be tough. I think you should try to get into a school closer to her.
 
TheProwler said:
Where would I get a number? Nobody publishes this, and even if they did, it's still based on individual circumstances and whether or not the school has an opening.
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Then where do you come up with it being "not uncommon?"

I think it is very uncommon, no matter what the circumstances.

The main point I and others have been making: transferring med schools is a ridiculous plan to pin maintaining a relationship on.
 
NYCMS2 said:
Then where do you come up with it being "not uncommon?"

I think it is very uncommon, no matter what the circumstances.

The main point I and others have been making: transferring med schools is a ridiculous plan to pin maintaining a relationship on.
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I said "in situations like this." Would you feel better if I said "not unheard of"?

Also, take note that I didn't say this should be the plan. My recommendation was to apply to the Chicago area so he would at least be in the Midwest and optimize the number of schools that she could transfer to.
 
I don't think anyone on this board can give you the answer, you and your fiance have to discover the answer.

That being said, I know of a couple in this situation. The couple got married in the last 12 months, he is an M1 in the Washington, DC area, and she is in the Northeast. Hey, they got married knowing the facts and the distance. Will it work? Only time will tell.

Just one other note, marriage is difficult to begin with. Distance would put a bigger strain on things, and she is working her buns off in Anatomy right now, and I wonder where is the time to be together and work on the marriage. Perhaps some married couples, living together, could chime in.

Best of luck.
 
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