Long Distance Relationships in Med School

[Smile'n'Wink MD]

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Can they work?

I'll be a first year in CA...he'll be a first year for his PhD in Chicago. And we just STARTED dating.

Should I end it now, or do you guys think it might work...I'd love any feedback from people in long distance relationships!!! Much thanks 🙂

 

[Amy B]

That will be rough, no doubts about it. I have a good friend who got into med school. His girlfriend lived 200 miles away. They tried to visit during breaks and on weekends. They were even going to get married. However it strained the relationship and they recently called everything off.

Now, that said,... it may not be the same for you. But it may be hard. the good thing is you are both in school. My friend's girlfriend wasn't in school so she had free evening and weekends to try and fill. SO that fact you are both in school may work to your advantage.

Good luck.

 

[spumoni620]

i agree with amy. as unsatisfying as it is, this is really a question only you two can answer...based on how strong your relationship is.

that said, my thoughts: since you just started seeing each other, i think the chances are pretty slim. long-distance relationships take a lot of investment/nurturing from both sides - do you both have the type of relationship that goes beyond, i guess, surfacial attraction? both of you will be entering a new environment w/a lot of opportunities to see other people. my feeling is, if you had to ask in this forum, it probably means your relationship with him isn't so serious that it can survive four years apart.

whatever happens, good luck and hope it all works out 🙂

 

[Smile'n'Wink MD]

Spumoni,
The reason I posted this question is because I think he's REALLY a great guy and I guess I was just looking for some success stories that could give me hope that this could work. It's tough coming accross great guys like these 🙁

 

[Supadupafly]

Hey, you never know; it might be easier to have a long distance relationship in school. You'll both be extremely busy and extended, needing alot of time to yourselves. Spending vacation times with someone who deeply cares for you and understands everything you're going through could really help your sanity, relationship and schooling. I'd say don't stress. Just do what feels right. If you have any hope for it, you'll both have to let go of any jealousy or codependancy issues. It could work though and help you grow as individuals and as a couple.

As for success stories, my best friend is an engineer in San Diego while his fiancee is a med student at UConn. They spend all of their time off together and have a great time. Going into the third year of long distance, they're doing better than ever. It just takes patience and communication.

 

[LovelyRita]

Spumoni,
The reason I posted this question is because I think he's REALLY a great guy and I guess I was just looking for some success stories that could give me hope that this could work. It's tough coming accross great guys like these 🙁

Hello,
Success story here. Please understand that it will take a lot of effort. But don't forget the importance of what you are doing, med school is going to be YOUR prize.

Anyway, see what airlines have hubs in LA and Chicago. Join the frequent flyer club. Get the credit card that earns you miles on that airline. Have the airline email you when there is a special rate. Of course, you won't be able to get travel rewards all the time, you will have to pay full price now and then. My b/f and I saw each other every 2 weeks, but now it's getting to be less. However, I'm moving back home for my 3rd/4th year rotations, so we have that to look forward to.

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I wish you the absolute best. 🙂
PM me if you have more questions.
M.

 

[DrBravesgirl]

in order to make a LDR work in med school..you need 3 things:
1) an understanding partner who won't get offended when you can't call him sometimes because you have an exam the next day (and vice versa. it goes both ways)
2) a large bank account to fund trips back and forth
3) infinite amounts of patience. no matter how great this person is, there are times where it won't seem worth it; times when everyone in your class is hooking up and you're left to watch on the sidelines; times when all you really need is a hug from the one you love and you just can't get one.

i wish you the best of luck and hope that your experience goes much better than mine did 🙁

 

[BassDominator]

The prognosis isn't good.... but it doesn't mean you're doomed. I've seen a bunch of success stories. If your relationship is already on the rocks.... you can kiss it goodbye. If your relationship is fairly good, it won't be easy, but I've seen several VERY patient and understanding couples get through it. It's tough.... but if the relationship is meant to be, it will last. Best of luck.

 

[Mirror Form]

I tried doing the long distance thing my first year in med school with a girl I had been dating very seriously for almost a year. It was really just a losing battle and by Spring time we broke up bitterly. Everyone's situation is different though, but if you just started dating . . .

 

[IlianaSedai]

Success story here too. Started dating right when he entered grad school and I entered med school... 3000 miles apart. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait 'til he graduates and can move (he gets his Dr. before I get my Dr.) and we can be together, and from time to time the forever-seemingness of it is downright depressing. But we have a BETTER relationship than many couples we know who live in the same city (or the same apartment). If something good is in it, it's worth a few years' wait. And when something is good, you could be surprised at how easy it seems sometimes (even when it's not).

 

[spumoni620]

Spumoni,
The reason I posted this question is because I think he's REALLY a great guy and I guess I was just looking for some success stories that could give me hope that this could work. It's tough coming accross great guys like these 🙁

oh yeah, i didn't mean to say it wouldn't work at all. if he's really a great guy and you're into each other, there's definitely a good chance this will succeed. 🙂 i personally have been unsuccessful/only known of unsuccessful stories, so that kind of makes my view a little more cynical i suppose. didn't mean at all to dash your hopes. as i said before, good luck and if he's a great guy - keep 'im

 

[Robz]

OY.....yeah I can feel the pain on this one. I kinda have a LDR going and kinda don't. We realize its too damn hard to put so much pressure on each other but we'll see. I think flexability is key in an LDR.

then again I'm traveling across the country to see Harry Potter for a Midnight showing with her.....you tell me what sensible is. 😀

 

[rjhtamu]

I started seeing my girlfriend last november (in my 1st year). She's about 100 miles away, and I've been pretty good at seeing her on the weekends and other special occasions. She's really busy during the week too, so it's just worked out really well so far. It is hard at times, but we both realized this going in. As I mentioned, it's worked out really well so far despite everything and I really hope that this relationship goes long term.

 

[Adapt]

Since it is just starting, I say leave him and focus on school. As a woman doctor, you will easily find another hot guy and you'll have much fun with him. If you were doing this after seeing him for a year or more, than it would be serious and it may have worked out. But since you just met him, then don't waste your time.

 

[DrBravesgirl]

As a woman doctor, you will easily find another hot guy and you'll have much fun with him.

sigh...i REALLY hope you're right.

 

[freddydpt]

Hi,
I'm going to be starting a LDR. My SO will be attending UPitt for her DPT and I'll be at GW for MD. I'm hoping that the fact that we'll both be busy as all hell will get us through. I'm also setting us up with some web cams so we can talk and see each other (even over a wireless internet while I study in the library). Any other suggestions from those successful LDR docs would be GREATLY appreciated (PM or AIM me). I'm madly in love with the girl I've been seeing for 5 months and I really want to make sure we can get through this.
Fred

 

[zzzdoc1]

My husband and I lived apart (die to his job) for 3 years in med school - along with my next door neighbor and her husband. It was very tough - but we made it and we are finally living in the same town again. Our relationship is better than ever, but we definitely struggled. Best of luck - hope things work out - if they are meant to be - things will work out. 😍

 

[rjhtamu]

If two people truly care about eachother then there's no reason for why it can't work. It really helps when both people are busy too, helps take your mind off of it. It is and will be difficult, but it can be done.

 

[DrBodacious]

I feel your pain. I just met a really cool girl three weeks ago and we've sort of hit it off. She's a sophomore music major who'll probably be staying in MI for three more years to finish that up. I'm either moving to Philly (13 hrs away?) or hopefully Chicago (3 hrs away). Anyway it sucks. We'll have the summer to spend together but I'm sensing heartbreak coming out of this, maybe I should just remain celibate until med school. 😍 🙁 😍 🙁 😕

 

[rjhtamu]

I'm in the same situation as you Dr. B. I met this awesome girl at the end of my senior year and we stared dating three months into med school. She's still a sophomore at undergrad with plans also of med school. The distance isn't too bad, (2 hours drive), but its enough to make it difficult. We really really like eachother and I'm willing to do what it takes for it to work out though.

 

[DrBravesgirl]

If two people truly care about eachother then there's no reason for why it can't work. It really helps when both people are busy too, helps take your mind off of it. It is and will be difficult, but it can be done.

while this is true, it's only true to a certain extent. when you're 3,000 miles apart and not swimming in cash for airline tickets, no amount of busy-ness helps. if he were a few hours drive away, it'd be very different..but a lot depends on the amount of distance.

 

[Samoa]

sigh...i REALLY hope you're right.

I'm so sorry to hear things aren't going well for you. It's really hard for other people to understand that, unlike undergrad, it's not always possible to budget your time so that you can have free time when your significant other does too. From the outside, it looks like you have all this free time because you only have class in the morning, but that's so misleading. And to anyone outside of medical school, it's *completely* incomprehensible how even something as apparently useful as going to class can be a misuse of your time that you can't afford. I find it more amazing that a long-distance relationship can actually be made to work in medical school...

 

[IlianaSedai]

while this is true, it's only true to a certain extent. when you're 3,000 miles apart and not swimming in cash for airline tickets, no amount of busy-ness helps. if he were a few hours drive away, it'd be very different..but a lot depends on the amount of distance.

I find it more amazing that a long-distance relationship can actually be made to work in medical school...

A lot of the kiddies in med school ask me the same question, about how it could possibly work.

It can work if that relationship is important enough to both of you that you make it work. That's the end of it.

And the truth is, most relationships don't pan out. Ever look at other couples and shake your head and think, "Wow, they are really f***ed up."? Many times we haven't got enough insight to go on about whether a relationship is even worth trying to keep. Of course those relationships end up not panning out-- we're stupid, we sometimes have more hindsight than insight, and to be honest, from what I've seen, many of those relationships that don't pan out are way f***ed up to begin with.

Once in a rare while, a relationship is worth keeping for both people. And if it's important enough to make it work and neither of them gives up, it's not impossible.

 

[Ms.Doctor]

Good news for $$$ -- Southwest airlines flies out of Chicago. I'm not sure if they go to LA though. One way tickets are $99 or less!! So that makes the LD helpful.

Having been through a successful LDR, you both work your butts off during the week, and see each other on the weekends. Every 2 weeks really is ideal. Med school keeps you really busy, but it does get lonely. It helps if your close friends are also in serious LDRs- no one is running around randomly hooking up with people and you are getting lonely because of that.

Good luck with that. I've been there and done that for 2 years, and we're going to be together after this year ends!

Good luck, and PM me if you have any questions.

 

[freddydpt]

Does anyone happen know the cheapest/quickest path from DC to Pittsburgh?
Fred 🙂

 

[Ms.Doctor]

It's roughly a 4 hour drive from DC to Pittsburgh.... Greyhound and Amtrak are not so good for that trip. I would drive or fly.

 

[Samoa]

Many times we haven't got enough insight to go on about whether a relationship is even worth trying to keep. Of course those relationships end up not panning out-- we're stupid, we sometimes have more hindsight than insight, and to be honest, from what I've seen, many of those relationships that don't pan out are way f***ed up to begin with.

Once in a rare while, a relationship is worth keeping for both people. And if it's important enough to make it work and neither of them gives up, it's not impossible.

I agree with you that the value of keeping a relationship is much clearer in hindsight. I should have given up on all of them much sooner.

Oh wait, we're supposed to become MORE tolerant with age, not less...oops!

I'm obviously going to be a really cranky old lady some day, hee hee. 😀

 

[quideam]

I'm in a very similar predicament. After much deliberation, i've decided to go to UPitt next year, and my b/f will be a 3rd year at RWJ (NJ) next year. So we're going to have to do the LDR thing for at least two years...

 

[ZephyrX]

I had posted my story here before in another thread about long distance relationships. My boyfriend and i are in a long distance relationship (for more than 3 years now ever since we met) and are going strong. Long distance relationships are hard. Relationships in general are hard. When i spent some time with my boyfriend for the first time, i KNEW that i HAD to be with him. Here is the link to my previous post on the subject.

I can't tell you what you can and can't do. It is a big investment. But i can tell you that i took the same risk and it worked for me.

 

[KylahM]

!

 

[wannabeadoctor]

Spumoni,
The reason I posted this question is because I think he's REALLY a great guy and I guess I was just looking for some success stories that could give me hope that this could work. It's tough coming accross great guys like these 🙁

Here is my LDR success story. I did not believe in long distance relationship before meeting the love of my life. About 2 and a half years ago a friend (who introduced us knew me for 3 years and knew him for a year and she knew that we have very similar personality and interests) introduced us over the phone as he (now my hubby) lived about 1,200 miles away. After our conversation, I REALLY liked him. The next day I felt that it was very nice meeting him.......and wished that in reality it could work out, but, i did not see how it could go anywhere.....after all, he lived so far away and I could not imagine me moving away from wherever I was. Besides, I did not want to get involved in a relationship or anything before I started my medical school. So, I went back to my world and he went back to his. So I tried to stay out of it.
However, every now and then when he emailed and called, it would only draw me closer to him.........its like I was trying to get away and trying to get close at the same time. It was hard to talk just as friends but we did.....we maintained being friends for about 3 months over the phone and emails, but we were only going closer. Howvever, since I being not sure to go further, I decided to end it before it forms into a relationship. But, by that time, I already formed this inner attachment that I could not let him go. I could not see him out of my life.....and then I thought how can I let this wonderful guy go, who feels like a soulmate ( we have so much in common in terms of how we think about the future and ourselves, our views and goals etc.) just because he lives far away.
So, then I knew that I was already in love with him and that I am ready to commit to him and that whatever lies ahead I am ready for. After we met in person, (we already saw each other?s pic), we liked each other more than we did from the pictures. We both were physically attracted to each other as well as all the similarities in personality we already had. I felt a sense of completeness. We traveled back and forth every 2-3 months for a year and a half period. Though we were away, we were talking to each other every hour. Our friends and families used to make fun of our talking all the time. I think being on LDR helped us know who we truly were since most of the time, all we could do is talk??..so, shared our views, plans, goal ?.everything.
Since we felt both of us found that other person that we were waiting for, we were ready to make the big commitment--marriage. Its not hard to decide that you want to spend the rest of your lives together when you feel it from inside. We decided that the best time to get married was a week after my August 2003 MCAT. And, there it was----we got married. After marriage I moved to Florida with him, while I was applying to med. Schools. We love our every second together.
Our lives have been flowing in a similar manner (though in different places). Both of us graduated from college 2001 and have been working full time and now we will start our respective schools in the fall of 2004?I for med school and him for PhD. Unfortunately our schools are not in the same place, we will have to live apart about 5 hour driving distance from each other. But, we were mentally prepared for this. Besides, we can spend every vacation together and we can also meet every other weekend if not every weekend. We both are equally passionate about each other?s career choices?..in fact perhaps that drew us closer. I know its not going to be fun being away from each other. But, each of us will be busy with our schools, plus our relationship started being LDR and that both of us cannot see life without the other. We are 100% confident and optimistic that everything will go fine. Both of us are equally excited to start our respective schools, studying what we always wanted from childhood. And, this time, we will have the person we love next to each other (though not physically all the time).

 

[footsie]

What a heartwarming thread 😳 ...

... I have a nasty story to add though. I started med school last September, leaving my 2-month-whirlwind-romance boyfriend behind in the process. I was sure it wouldn't be worth the hassle and that I'd find somebody new and get over it.

Well, I did find somebody new (2 in fact) ... but I never got over it, and the new relationships didn't last long. I still miss him ... and it's been 8 months.

Don't throw your relationship away on an assumption of what the future will hold like I did. What I learned from this is that you have to let a relationship run its course - if it works out, yay! If not, at least you gave it a shot. Ending it for whatever reason when you both still want to be together will just make closure and moving on long and painful
Good luck!

 

[Fritz]

Spumoni,
The reason I posted this question is because I think he's REALLY a great guy and I guess I was just looking for some success stories that could give me hope that this could work. It's tough coming accross great guys like these 🙁

My husband and I met through a friend when I was in college, and, guess what, it was through e-mail. It was about 3 months from the time our relationship started to be more serious until we decided to meet. I think that what was unique about our relationship was that we actually got to know each other first, understand what both of us wanted from life, what was important for me, what was important for him. This was 8 years ago. Out of 8 years we spent 4 and half apart. It was tough, but it was worth it. Now I am in Cali and he is in the midwest. I haven't seen him for 2 months, but we talk on the phone every day. If I could do it over again, I would not change a thing.

Good luck,

Fritz.

 

[sanford_w/o_son]

more specific advice: u chicago is one of the most socially devoid schools in america. two months there, and he'll probably regret not staying in an ldr (i did).

 

[::Seabass::]

My husband and I met through a friend when I was in college, and, guess what, it was through e-mail. It was about 3 months from the time our relationship started to be more serious until we decided to meet. I think that what was unique about our relationship was that we actually got to know each other first, understand what both of us wanted from life, what was important for me, what was important for him. This was 8 years ago. Out of 8 years we spent 4 and half apart. It was tough, but it was worth it. Now I am in Cali and he is in the midwest. I haven't seen him for 2 months, but we talk on the phone every day. If I could do it over again, I would not change a thing.

Good luck,

Fritz.

this is the basis for how my relationship started, it is a very neat experience and I feel very lucky.

too often these days people (as did I) get sucked into relationships that start with a spark and a physical aspect that hold the couple together while they hope everything else falls into place. it was a very refreshing experience to know we were a match personality wise and to hope the physical part fell into place.

I wouldn't say I'm yet optimistic about it lasting for a long time just because I think it could wear on him not having me by his side on a regular basis, he misses me a lot depsite having an active social life and busy law practice, while I just focus on my studies to not miss him. at least we don't have to deal with him being worried I'll leave him for some 'hot doc' which a lot of girls in my class seemed to go through at the beginning of school. And I'll be seeing him every other weekend this summer and we're going to europe for two weeks at the end, but I worry about how he'll hold up after that and seeing me so much. But the main thing that holds any ldr together is:

COMMUNICATION!!!!

If you guys can't communicate about hard topics, then things will be very hard for you.

 

[randomlogik]

Sometimes it seems one of the biggest issues in dealing with a long distance relationship is analyzing the score of people trying to offer "helpful" advice. On one hand you have people that have been burned by their own bad experience with long distance. They seem to tell you to run away from it as fast as you can, and they always seem to back it up with plenty of statistics showing that long dist relationships usually don't work. Then on the otherhand you have people that say if you really care about the person that things will work out in the end, and that you shouldnt give up. In the end, you can't really listen to either side completely. I think that the best advice I was ever given. My friend told me that if I enjoy where I am at in life....if I enjoy the company, time spent with, etc.....then its a good thing. The relationship should not be something that makes you unhappy.

 

[pjr28]

Could somebody please offer some advice for my situation. I have been going out with my girlfriend for almost 5yrs and it has been long distance for most of it. What kept us going though was our love for each other and the fact that I was going to stay in NY for medical school. This was until I was accepted to my dream school (Harvard) and decided to go. She was very hurt by my decision and now doesn't know if she can handle 4 more years of long distance. What do you all think of my situation? I really want it to work, u know.

 

[SarahGM]

All I can say is.... thank GOODNESS for JetBlue! 49 dollars each way from New York JFK to Burlington, VT.

I'm in a unique situation. I met my current boyfriend on a ski trip out in California in January (I live in NC, he lives in VT). We've been keeping in touch and visiting each other ever since. Long distance is all we've EVER known! It's really quite bizarre, actually... but so right... So anyway, this move to NYC will actually make us closer in proximity! Who knows what will happen or how soon we'll actually be in the same city, but I'm along for the ride now and so far it's been wonderful.

My advice to everyone is, and I know you've heard this already a bunch, but if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. There is NO sense worrying about the future. Sure, you have to try to make things work, but don't do it so much that you lose sight of your own life or bend over backwards too much. And if it doesn't work out... refer to my favorite zen proverb: "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

 

[randomlogik]

All I can say is.... thank GOODNESS for JetBlue! 49 dollars each way from New York JFK to Burlington, VT.
"

You're so fortunate to be able to get a cheap flight. The last ticket I picked up was over 500 bucks, New Orleans to Spokane. This past year I've spent so much money on plane tickets to see him. It sucks. Mostly just means we can't see each other very often.

 

[GeoJungle]

Since it is just starting, I say leave him and focus on school. As a woman doctor, you will easily find another hot guy and you'll have much fun with him. If you were doing this after seeing him for a year or more, than it would be serious and it may have worked out. But since you just met him, then don't waste your time.

Sorry Adapt, what planet do you live on? I may be the ONLY male student in my MS-2 class who is interested in marrying a female physician. In an informal poll, almost all (except the one guy in the entire class in a committed student-student couple) say no way. I think they all want stay-at-home wifeys.

Our residency programs seem loaded with single female MD's and I've heard they can't BUY a date. Female students have it easier ("student" sounds benign to a potential date), but the MD degree may be a huge turn-off for men not in medicine.

To be fair, I haven't been exactly overrun by women wanting to marry a future doctor either. Can't quote the reference, but I've read only 45% of female physicians marry and have kids but 90% of male physicians do. Same 90% for non-physician women.

Another unfairness and shortsighted if you ask me. Who else will understand as well as a physician spouse?

 

[MichiMO]

Well, as someone just coming out of a year long LDR (he gets here on Saturday for good!!!!!), I can offer some other pieces of advice for making a LDR work...or at least what helped us and what made it more difficult. I don't know if this will apply to the OP, as my boyfriend and I had been together for two years and definitly knew we wanted a future together...but some people know that after two weeks...no one can make assumptions about another. Anyhow, my pieces of wisdom:
1. MOST IMPORTANT!!!!!: The LDR needs an expiration date. If you are just going aimlessly in this relationship where you are not together and you don't have a light at the end of the tunnel, it is very difficult to keep it going. One of the things that kept our relationship strong was being able to say, "in ____ months, we will be together for good," or "only two more visits until we don't have to say goodbye anymore." We had a goal to work towards. For a while this year, it began to look like my boyfriend wasn't going to be able to come at the end of the year and the relationship really suffered during this time. We began fighting when we had never fought before. We both started doubting the other's feelings and it was just really hard. It made us both feel really insecure. Luckily everything worked out, but having lived through it both ways, I really believe you need to know when you will be together again to make it work. I don't think my relationship could have taken too many more months of uncertainty. It was just too hard.
2. Talk every night! This is crucial in order for you to stay a part of each other's daily lives. Otherwise, sadly, you start building a life without that other person and it becomes more and more difficult to put it together again. Emailing little notes throughout the day also helps. Or online chat. Daily, meaningful interaction is key. For long distance costs, I recommend Vonage. You pay a flat 30$ a month and have unlimited long distance...it runs through your internet line...a broadbane phone. Really cool. We wouldn't have survived without it.
3. Plan the visits out for the entire year or however long. When you are saying goodbye at the end of one visit you need to know when the next one is going to be. This kinda goes along with the light at the end of the tunnel idea from #1. Having only weeks to count down instead of month after month is a good thing. My boyfriend and I saw each other every two months. The last 2 weeks before each visit were hard (it felt like so long since I had seen him) and the first 2 weeks back from a visit were also hard (I just got so used to having him with me that I missed him like crazy after the goodbye). However, during the time in between I survived. I still missed him, but I settled into my daily routine of school, friends, housework, and talking to him each night.
4. Don't count on the business making it any easier. If anything, it made it worse for me because I just needed some support and felt really, really alone. The last thing you want to do when you are stressed to the max is eat dinner by yourself and fall asleep in an empty bed. The loneliness can be pretty overwhelming. Be prepared for that. I recommend getting a puppy 🙂 I am getting mine on Saturday along with my boyfriend 🙂 But, I wish I had the puppy sooner 🙂 But seriously, medical school is a hard adjustment...at least it was for me...and being away from the person you love does not make it any easier. Some nights I just felt too sad and miserable to study and keep my momentum going. I allowed myself that. You'll have to too. I would say going into medical school in a LDR expecting to be at the top of your class is an unrealistic expectation, unless you are just one of those people who finds solace in work. You need to cut yourself some slack in the beginning. It will get easier as time goes on.

That is just some advice based on my experience. It is not easy and it is not possible for everyone to make it work, however, it is not impossible either and if you have found someone you truly care about and want to share a future with, it is worth the struggle and you should be able to survive it. I am not a believer in the "if it is meant to be" bull, but it is true that an LDR is a good testement to the strength of your relationship and your ability to weather hard times in the future, make sacrifices for each other, and love one another unconditionally.