Long Distance Relationships

[c0bester]

Hey guys, I was wondering what you guys thought of long distance relationships as you go into vet school. I'm hoping to get in somewhere within a few hours driving distance of my boyfriend, but am worried about what will happen if I'm further--a plane flight away.

I've done long distance before in college for a few years, and it worked pretty well, but I'm worried about the extra-rigorous courseload I expect in vet school (although I have good time management skills for schoolwork/studying). Anybody have experience with professional school and LDRs?

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[twelvetigers]

Here is a great thread from 2008 with a link in it to a great thread from 2007. Lots of people are facing/have faced the same problems with vet school and significant others.

http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=494563&highlight=long+distance+veterinary

Personally, I think it's doable if the relationship has a solid foundation. Yes, you will be busy with coursework, but you would be busy with them close by as well - maybe it would be easier to concentrate on your studies? That's the glass half full approach, of course, but you know... it would be hard, no matter what. Whether or not it works is 100% up to you and the boyf!

 

[c0bester]

Thanks for the info!

 

[kittenj]

ironically i posted a question about this in the spouse/SO forum earlier today... maybe I should have done so in this forum instead Thanks for the info 12tigers

if anyone wants to check it out it's here:
http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=593876

basically it's a question about my specific situation, ISU is about 2 hrs from my established life, wondering about spending the week at Ames then coming home on weekends

of course I'm thinking it won't be an issue until 2010 for me - but we'll see

 

[twelvetigers]

I was weekends only with my boyfriend for two years after dating for two... and now we've been married nearly two years... I didn't think it was that bad with an internet connection and a good mobile-to-mobile phone plan, but I'm not sure I could go back to that now, considering.

Edit: Oh, and you're welcome! Always happy to dig up some relevant thread that I remember from the ancient times.

 

[JustCats]

I was a non-trad as an undergrad. I was married and my husband and I had a home. I had two choices: 1) a great college a few hours away, or 2) a great college on the other side of the US. I chose #2 because I knew if I lived near enough to go home for weekends, or for my husband to come visit me on weekends, I'd lose necessary study time. I came home only for Christmas break and summers and I did that for two years. I'm glad I made that decision; it worked for us. It probably wouldn't work for everyone.

It's hard for people who aren't in school to understand just how much time the rest of us have to spend studying. Even doing my post-bac work over the last couple of years, my husband gets moody when I tell him I can't go to a movie or whatever because I have a test to prepare for or a paper to write. He's taken up golfing now, so that has helped a bit. We haven't decided whether or not we'll do the same when I go to vet school. We'll probably spend the first year apart and see how it goes.

I was an army brat and it's not uncommon for spouses to go away for a year at a time or more. I think that's why it doesn't seem strange to my husband or me, but our friends find it odd.

Good luck making the decision.

P.S. We've been married for 16 years now.

 

[JustCats]

ironically i posted a question about this in the spouse/SO forum earlier today... maybe I should have done so in this forum instead Thanks for the info 12tigers

if anyone wants to check it out it's here:
http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=593876

see

I just read your other post kittenj. You will be really "homesick" for your daughter, but you could always try the weekend commuting for a semester and see if it works for you. A distance of only a couple of hours really isn't a big deal. This past summer I did postbac work at a school two hours a way and made the commute 2-3 times a week (for 5 weeks). I recorded lectures on my iPod and then listened to them over and over again on the commute. A+!

 

[JulieB361]

I'm just a vet school hopeful at this point, so I don't know anything about ldrs and professional schools specifically, but I know a whole lot about ldrs. My boyfriend and I met in college when I was a freshman and he was a senior. He joined the army after he graduated and is currently away on a 9 month deployment. We debated for a long time about whether or not he should join the army and we came to a conclusion that is still an important part of our relationship. We decided that we wouldn't be happy if we didn't both go out and pursue our dreams no matter how inconvenient they were. We also decided that we wanted to stay together regardless of the distance. We are going to be together 4 years next month, so it works for us. In 2 years he'll be out of the army and he will come live wherever I'm in school. We talk as much as possible on the webcam, which helps.

I guess this is a long winded response, but what I'm trying to say is that a long distance relationship with your boyfriend is possible if you are willing to make it work. If I get into vet school, I will be in the same boat. I also agree that it gives you more time to study on weekends when you can't see each other. Plus, during undergrad when I visited my boyfriend I always brought homework.

I hope this helps!

 

[livefor32]

I met my fiancee in college where we were able to spend every day together. After graduation, I moved to New Hampshire and he moved to DC. We've had a long distance relationship for almost 2 years that has worked just fine. Because I'm doing research, my weekends are almost never free, but he is able to fly and come visit me. It takes a lot of energy and money to make this work, but our relationship is stronger as a result. My best advice is to sit down with your BF and discuss the future and what you both want from each other, and just understand that you're not going to see each other as much as you would probably like, but you will always have breaks to look forward to. Oh, and I would recommend getting a webcam!!!

 

[c0bester]

Thanks for the advice and stories! Thinking about it more, I think I'm more worried about him not wanting to try long distance after we talk about it, and less about the actual long distance aspect of the relationship that may be in store in the future. But I guess I can't worry about that since we haven't discussed it yet...

 

[robeezy08]

....I agree w/ other posts - with tech today it's easier to keep in touch than you might think. If you really want to work things out LD, I'd suggest getting a Skype Account, it's Free!
http://skype.com/

 

[kittenj]

....I agree w/ other posts - with tech today it's easier to keep in touch than you might think. If you really want to work things out LD, I'd suggest getting a Skype Account, it's Free!
http://skype.com/

definitely a great idea to use technology to your advantage in a LDR. there was a suggestion on one of the old threads 12tigers posted about buying web cams... I could see that being a bonus


Something I have been thinking about recently is that I really don't spend time with my family the way I want to now ... even though we see each other everyday it is in the context of daily tasks. We rush around in the AM to get to school and work, and in the evening we scramble to get dinner eaten before we collapse in bed. It seems like we only really connect and enjoy each other on weekends. In that way commuting home on the weekends would be about the same as now. Especially if we had a 20 minute webcam chat every night.

 

[tealamutt]

also, a sadly neglected point here is that the distance helps your studying a lot. There are a lot of married folks in my class and a lot of ways they deal with either being far apart or being guilty for neglecting a spouse who is here. Personally, I love coming home and not being guilty that I am happy to have some quiet time to study because my fiancee is hundreds of miles away. Also, it really makes the times you are together more special. It's hard at first but the time flies by if both of you are committed and have lives of your own as well.

 

[DVMorBust]

also, a sadly neglected point here is that the distance helps your studying a lot. There are a lot of married folks in my class and a lot of ways they deal with either being far apart or being guilty for neglecting a spouse who is here. Personally, I love coming home and not being guilty that I am happy to have some quiet time to study because my fiancee is hundreds of miles away. Also, it really makes the times you are together more special. It's hard at first but the time flies by if both of you are committed and have lives of your own as well.

This is exactly what I needed to hear! The husband and I have been talking along these lines, but it's encouraging to hear that it actually works that way for people.

 

[jop21]

I agree with the above posts. I know several classmates in my class have and maintained LDR. One even has a boyfriend in another country, and they have maintained their relationship for the last year. Many of which are getting married this summer. I'm sure it will be very hard at first, but with phones, email, and the like will defiantly help.

Also, as noted above, your time will be limited in vet school. Therefore, you will not have the guilt of not being able to spend much time with your significant other, but really enjoy each other when you do have time. Best of luck!

 

[sambone]

also, a sadly neglected point here is that the distance helps your studying a lot. There are a lot of married folks in my class and a lot of ways they deal with either being far apart or being guilty for neglecting a spouse who is here. Personally, I love coming home and not being guilty that I am happy to have some quiet time to study because my fiancee is hundreds of miles away. Also, it really makes the times you are together more special. It's hard at first but the time flies by if both of you are committed and have lives of your own as well.

This is what I was thinking too. I'm getting married this summer, then 2 months later I'm moving ~4 hours away from my future husband! But we'll both be starting grad school next fall, so it might really be for the better.

However we definitely plan to use technology to our advantage - too bad my pets don't know how to use skype too

 

[DVMorBust]

too bad my pets don't know how to use skype too

I know!

Either I'll be halfway across the country, or a few hours away and coming back for weekends. Either way, the pups are staying here...

Today (-10, -40 w/windchill), I'm mostly worried about how I'll survive sleeping without the extra body heat! Although not having to take a study break to get frostbite every few hours might be nice...

 

[JustCats]

also, a sadly neglected point here is that the distance helps your studying a lot. . . Personally, I love coming home and not being guilty that I am happy to have some quiet time to study because my fiancee is hundreds of miles away.

As I wrote in my post, that's exactly why I went to school on the other side of the country--full-time study without guilt. It worked well. Hopefully it will work again. We'd only been married for 5 years the first time I left for school. This time we're at the 16 year mark.

 

[sumstorm]

I believe it has a lot to do with the individuals involved in the relationship. Some people are just not able to handle distance. Either they will give up thier pursuit, or they will give up thier partner. I do not have any doubts that my husband and I can handle distance.

Early in our relationship, I went to sea for 3-6 weeks at a time to work. No phones or emails. I came home from work and slept for 2-4 days solid (after showering for an hour!) Then we had about a week together (around his work schedule) before I left for the North Atlantic again. I loved my work, and both of us were busy enough that it worked well for each of us. When I was laid off from my job, my husband's job required travel. For the next year, he was home for less than 50 days over the entire year. By days, I mean he might fly in at 11pm, and leave again the next morning. It wasn't as easy for me, because I was jobless for part of that, and felt lonely, but as long as I stayed busy, everything was wonderful.

Then, we evicted tenants, who trashed the rental home to the point that it was nearly condemned. In the same week, we obtained a special puppy for SAR work (my 'hobby'), and my husband was offered a far better job 12 hours away. I went to the rental house (3.5 hours north) with 2 dogs and the puppy while hubby went to his new job (10 hours south) with our cat. I worked 16-18 hour days to repair and remodel the house and get it on the market. He was busy with his new job.

We were both happy with our lives when we were single. Joining our lives isn't about leaving our single lives behind; instead it is adding another layer to who we are. We find that distance and traveling keeps our love fresh and joyful, but also give each of us the space and time to pursue our passions and develop ourselves.

One caution; any weakness in a relationship is intensified by either living together or by loving over distance. The tendencies and habits that annoy you when seperate may drive you insane living together, while issues like jealousy, doubt, and insecurity rise to the surface in a distance relationship. Communication issues may arise as well, since both partners have to work more to stay involved.

It is possible, but only if it suits both partners.

 

[JustCats]

Excellent post, Sumstorm!

 

[MooSuga]

My fiancee and I have been together for about 2.5 yrs already, we got engaged after 5 weeks of dating. He and I have been living together for almost 2 years. We currently reside in NYC.

It sucks, but to tell you the truth...it's necessary. I see it as an opportunity to concentrate solely on my studies without having to worry about giving my fiancee enough attention. I haven't done a long distance relationship but I do strongly believe that we can endure it and strengthen our bond.

Everyone will face some sort of obstacle while trying to attain their dreams, what matters is how you overcome it.

 

[Rusty27]

I was curious about people already in vet school and in a long distance relationship, how often they make time to see their significant other? Once a month, twice a month? I have to imagine it's hard to give up a good portion of a weekend while trying to stay on top of your studies.

 

[tealamutt]

I was curious about people already in vet school and in a long distance relationship, how often they make time to see their significant other? Once a month, twice a month? I have to imagine it's hard to give up a good portion of a weekend while trying to stay on top of your studies.

I see my fiance about once every month or so, of course we had almost a month off at the holidays so we spent that whole time together, as well as 9 days at thanksgiving, and we'll have a week together at spring break. But as posted above it's all about the individuals.

We just lost a classmate because she got engaged at the break and really wants to get married and be a mom and didn't think she and her SO would be able to work the distance right now. She also made the trip every weekend to visit him and had severe consequences to her grades due to lack of studying during these visits (this is in her opinion, not mine). Weekends are a really important study time. But I have another classmate who visits her boyfriend every weekend and is rocking first year, probably because he's interested in her studies and helps out.

Only the two of you can decide how your relationship works and make the decision based on that.

 

[dyachei]

I was curious about people already in vet school and in a long distance relationship, how often they make time to see their significant other? Once a month, twice a month? I have to imagine it's hard to give up a good portion of a weekend while trying to stay on top of your studies.

My fiance just moved in with me, but last year and the first part of this school year, we were separated by a state. We spent every other weekend or so together with the caveat that if I had a test the following week, he had to help me study during our time together. I'm sure if I wasn't in a relationship, I would have better grades or something, but I wouldn't be nearly as happy as I am with him. Honestly, him living here has been easier on my schoolwork because he understands my boundaries and he pushes me when I feel like slacking off. We also tried to keep it to Friday night to Sunday afternoon so I could spend the time after class on Friday studying and the rest of Sunday studying.

 

[meadow36]

This is really a personal decision. Yes long distance does work for some people, but not for everyone. My SO has graciously committed to coming w/ me wherever I wind up. I think I would be lost without his presence and support. I'm not worried about study time, since he's a vet and can help me, and he also plans to work a lot (and he's an army vet in the reserve) so he's got plenty to do with his time. This frees me up for study sessions with classmates.

Given that we are both so busy, we have committed to stick together no matter what. After vet school I might have to be the one to move for him, and I'm perfectly fine with that.

 

[bunnyslippers]

It's nice to read this thread and actually hear success stories! I think a lot of times this board is overrun with tales of long distance relationships that don't work out, but this thread is actually helping to bring me out of the funk I'm in after not getting into the school within driving distance of my boyfriend. I wish all of us good luck with both vet school and our personal lives. Everyone needs a balance and my SO is definitely my rock.

 

[rustysmom]

I was curious about people already in vet school and in a long distance relationship, how often they make time to see their significant other? Once a month, twice a month? I have to imagine it's hard to give up a good portion of a weekend while trying to stay on top of your studies.

I go to Michigan State which is 1 1/2 hours away from my house. My husband and I decided it would be best for me to live near campus during the week and come home on the weekends. It is nice to be able to come home after class and be able to study without feeling guilty about not spending time with my hubby. Mich. State had a family orientation while we were having our student orientation this past summer and the family orientation really helped my husband understand how much I would be studying.

For us, the key to making this work has been communication. We talk every day by phone and send random texts/emails throughout the week. When I get home on Friday nights, we always talk about what we want to do on the weekend and how much studying I need to do - this conversation helps us to come up with a plan for the weekend that allows us to have fun and me to get studying done.

 

[Pandacinny]

Mich. State had a family orientation while we were having our student orientation this past summer and the family orientation really helped my husband understand how much I would be studying.

Wow, that's really nice. Do most schools have a family orientation like that?

 

[VeganChick]

A vet at my hospital went to Ross over 20 years ago when there was no internet, no cell phones, etc. She was only able to talk to her girlfriend once a week and see her once a year for four years. They just celebrated their 25th anniversary together by getting married .

 

[PharmToxGuy82]

Hello everyone! I realize that this thread is slightly dated, however I just wanted to thank everyone for contributing their LDR success stories & suggestions/advice! To be quite honest, my SO and I were aware of the possibility that I may have to relocate, but it's obvious that we became slightly complacent as the future is starting to materialize from the "fog" that is the admissions process. I have been accepted OOS (Auburn) and waitlisted IS (Purdue). I'm thrilled to finally be starting vet school, but I would be lying if I said that I'm not terrified at the propect of losing such a great relationship.

He is so very supportive and 100% confident that "we can make this work," but I can't seem to shake that gut-wrenching fear/paranoia/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. Your stories/advice/etc have really boosted my confidence in our abilities to handle this situation. I really needed that perspective. Now I just need to remember to breathe.....

*out with the jive...in with the funk*

Best wishes for all of the hearts stretched over miles of land and sea! We can do this!

-J

 

[EqSci]

Wow, that's really nice. Do most schools have a family orientation like that?

I have the same question! My parents will be driving with me to Iowa in the fall, mostly to help me move all my furniture in, and I was hoping the school would have some sort of presentation for them. At least a tour would be nice so they could see where I'm going to be at for the next 4 years!

Maybe I'll make a new post if no one sees it here. I always end up hijacking threads.

 

[critterfixer]

UTK does have a family and significant other orientation. My family didn't attend, so I can't speak to its value, but we do have it.

 

[Karlee83]

My husband and I are going to be heading into a long distance relationship once I start vet school this fall. Currently we reside in Virginia however I will be going to school in California. After being laid off in November, my husband was just hired this past Feburary. Unfortunately, he had to sign a year contract with his company. Thus, he won't be able to leave with me to California. I am sure if he made a fuss he would have been able to get out of it, but with the poor economy and the raising unemployment we felt like taking that chance is a horrible idea. Also if he does stay with this job, in 18 more months he will be able to telecommute to work full time. Which means he can move to California, keep his job, and be a stay at home dad for our two dogs.

We both know that it not going to be easy. Thinking about leaving him and the dogs behind breaks my heart. I know that long distance relationships can be a huge strain on a relationship, not to mention the stress of going to school. But I am hopeful that our six years of marriage will bring some kind of stability and comfort.

We have already made agreements that our relationship comes first, then vet school. While having him work from home and live in Cali would be an ideal situation while I am in school, if we can't get there I know that we will work something out.

I guess my advice to you is make a PLAN!...And a back up plan (lol)! If you both truly want the relationship to work then you will find a way.

 

[shortnsweet]

So I needed to bring this thread back because I am having a mini-freak out session.

I leave for Glasgow in September, the boy leaves for med school in August. We have been on and off for the past three years, but the thought of leaving him just makes my heart feel all heavy. The reason we've been on and off is because I went abroad my junior year and we freaked ourselves out about the distance(Australia). Vet school is my dream, end of story. But just the thought of going across the big pond, and not being able to talk to my best friend every day is scary.

I am definitely going in September, and for now, he and I are happy in the moment. I am, however, up and down about reapplying while abroad to try and come back to a US school, not just for him, but to be closer to home.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom, or have you been through something similar? I guess I just want to feel like someone else out there understands...