Long distance relationships

[breenie]

*sigh*

I know this has been talked about here and there, but my search-disabled self was unable to find a ton of info.

For those of you in LDRs, how's it going? What do you do to make it work? What's the hardest part? How often do you see each other?

My BF is a grad student in Wisconsin, and he has ~3 years left in his program. I'm moving to Missouri for vet school. My family is here, so I'll be back over breaks and such, but I have to stay in Missouri next summer to gain residency, and it's about a 7.5 hour drive home. We've been together for 5 months and decided to give it a shot, though we're both a little pessimistic.

Just wondering how others have handled it. Thanks guys!

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[smilin1590]

No pessimism breenie!

Although I can't give you advice about your situation, as I have not had to deal with that yet I can give you the old adage "Distance makes the heart grow fonder"

and because I'm a hopeless romantic and want everyone to have happiness and romance in their life I'll leave you with this

"Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will"

Good luck and hopefully some other SDNers will give you some great advice.

 

[JumpHigherLivie]

Well I will be in a similar boat this fall! My BF graduated (from Vet school) and is about a 9.5 hour drive away now and I have another two years to go ... the goal is to make it to each other 2 weekends a month, at least while I"m in classes. Clerkship time (we start in January) will get hairy, because for a lot of clerkships we're on call for the weekend or have patient responsibilities outright or dont' leave until well after 5 on Fridays (making driving impossible and even catching a flight hard).

To be honest I think a lot of it depends on how much you trust the other person and how much you were used to seeing each other. Quite frankly, we didn't see each other much in vet school ... a few hours here and there during the week, because of our schedules and other factors, so an entire weekend together is pretty great in my book. We also tend to be pretty low maintenance people.

I took a job closer to him this summer (about 4 hours away) and it's been working out well like this, so we'll see.

I would recommend finding a good support group of friends in school to keep busy (as if classes don't keep you busy enough), be realisitic and give it your best. But to NOT let school fall behind because of trying to make the relationship work... that's my two cents though.

 

[LetItSnow]

For those of you in LDRs, how's it going? What do you do to make it work? What's the hardest part? How often do you see each other?

I had a LDR a long time ago. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, because I met my wife while I was involved in it.

 

[Minnerbelle]

I had a LDR a long time ago. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, because I met my wife while I was involved in it.

lol, well there's a silver lining!

I would categorize myself as a hopeless romantic, but will never ever again do another LDR. It's been a huge learning experience about myself as a person, and my place in life. What helps is that there's like NOOOOOOBODY worth dating here anyway, lol. But that was like the only good thing about it.

 

[equitate]

Kudos to you all for trying to make it work AND for having partners that are willing to give it a shot. I just spent a great 6 months with someone but we broke up a few weeks ago because he took a job ~12 hours away. I was totally willing to try it - he was not. I wouldn't call myself a hopeless romantic, but I do like to believe that a LDR can work between the right people. Apparently, he just wasn't the right person for me! I wish you better luck.

I don't really have advice, but I'll be tuning into this thread...

 

[PetPony]

I know I'm pretty young for that, but it helped me to have some kind of plan when you are going to see your SO in the future. It would probably also help to know how long this relationship would be long distance. It is easier to pull through when you know the final point then when it's an undetermined time that might go on 'forever.' Also, get skype. It's wonderful. Set aside a specific time every day/a few days a week that works for both of you to video chat (skype) or talk on the phone. The rest of the day, you can dedicate to other things, like school, extracurricular,... While you can still occasionally talk to your OS then also, it gives you a time where you don't feel stressed about calling them because you know you will hear from them later.

Mine wasn't very long distance (2 hours) but at this age that is far enough. We've lived together this summer, but will have the same again once I start school. He is also planning on visiting his family in Mexico for a few years next year, so we'll see how that goes.

Just don't be too pessimistic, because negative thoughts always kept me on edge and when we did see each other/talked to each other, I was sometimes in a very bad mood. And that just made it all worse. So, stay positive. It helps a lot.

 

[awaring1]

I am about to move across the ocean to go to vet school in Ireland and will be leaving behind my boyfriend of 4.5+ years. It really sucky because he was 100% planning on moving with me to vet schools but I was waitlisted at schools in the US and Ireland has pretty much impossible rules for people just wanting to move there. He is not the most independent person and has never even been on a plane before so for me to leave is a huge deal. We have been going to different colleges (2 hours away) for the past 4 years and were really seeing living together after graduation as the light at the end of the tunnel. We have been fighting a lot about it and everything is just kind of spiraling down into a catastrophic explosion of a painful break-up.

Sorry to completely be a debbie-downer. My only advice to others is that you shouldn't take advice from other people. Each relationship is different and people have different expectations. Just because you may be fine only talking for 30 minutes a day doesn't mean that your s/o is fine with that. Take it as it comes and if you in all seriousness can not see yourself living the rest of your life with this person than end it now and save yourself the trouble of an LDR.


/miserable rant

 

[StartingoverVet]

http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=594106&highlight=long+distance

 

[heylodeb]

I think it is so dependent on the persons involved.

I had one LDR that ended in him telling me that "I wasn't worth waiting around for" (this being said after we had been in a relationship for 1.5 years)

The other one - well, I married him! He lives with me now. I think a lot of it is understanding your expectations for each other and the amounts of communication that is sufficient for you.

I like a couple texts throughout the day and a phone call in the evening. My hubby is perfectly happy with just a phone call in the evening.

Just be realistic about your expectations with each other and see how it goes. The worst thing that will happen i that you'll break up. For me, it's worth giving it a try first instead of always wondering IF it would have worked had we tried.

 

[breenie]

Just be realistic about your expectations with each other and see how it goes. The worst thing that will happen i that you'll break up. For me, it's worth giving it a try first instead of always wondering IF it would have worked had we tried.

That's my feelings on it, at the moment. The majority of relationships fail, distance or not... but I'd rather give it a try, even knowing that.

Thanks for the replies, guys. I appreciate hearing other people's experiences, even if they're not directly applicable to my own.

Thanks for the link, SOV. That's what I was looking for.

 

[nyanko]

I actually started a LDR (he lived in NY, me in CA) prior to beginning veterinary school, little over a year ago. It was actually really good that way for school, as it was much easier for me to deal with a relationship if I didn't really have to put that much face time into it. Obviously it highly depends on the people involved as everyone has said, but for us it worked out quite well. He actually just moved here about a week ago - to be honest I'm more apprehensive about having him living with me during school than I was about the distance thing.

He had a job where he could come out here once every 4-6 weeks or so to visit. I didn't have much time/money to be able to make it out there except over Christmas break. He was okay with me not being able to talk to him every single day, which was nice. We're both pretty laid back and secure people so there weren't really any issues with jealousy or dependence. So really yeah, for the right people it can be a really good scenario.

 

[yann]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 8 months now, and as far as talk goes, we plan to be with each other for a whole lot longer. I'm applying to 3 UK schools this year, no US schools because I don't have enough pre-reqs to apply. Him and I have been talking abt the what if's from time to time, but it's a topic we generally avoid. I'm torn about giving LDR a try...one is because I know the statistics of it actually working out, and I also figure that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be...the 5 years I'll be away, he and I should have the freedom to date other ppl, and if we still love each other and want to be with each other at the end of the tunnel, then we'll be together again. But if we both find someone else, then at least we had avoided the messy LDR breakup and can still be good friends (we were friends before we started dating). He's also a very insecure person, and I'm afraid that I would have to deal with explaining to him that "no, the guy in the pic with me on fb is just a friend and not anyone i'm interested in..blah blah blah" on a weekly basis. I'm also afraid that he would cheat on me out of loneliness. He's only 24, maybe it would be different if he was 42. However, the romantic aspect of LDR is a bit appealing to me since no one would dive into such a risk unless you really loved that person. But then I start debating in my mind, if you really love that person, shouldn't you let him/her go? If you really have faith in the relationship, why restrain him from miles and miles and miles away, when you can never be there when he needs you?
I don't know...plus, I won't be going back to where he lives on my summer/winter breaks, but back home in Japan where my friends and family lives. Ha, putting it out here just makes me realize how dreary the situation will be.

The best advice I can give at this moment to another in a similar situation is....if you two have faith in each other and are both secure about yourself and one another, then I'd say give it a shot. I agree with someone here that said the worst thing that can happen is a breakup. But if either one of you is insecure like my boyfriend is, then I don't know...my own personal opinion is that it probably won't work out, and saying good bye may be the smartest thing you can do for yourself, your guy, and your relationship. Who knows, maybe you'd see each other again in a couple years when you're a vet and he's doing his own thing, and fall right back in love again. Hopeless romantic? Probably! lol

 

[yann]

Although I'd have to add, if I don't get in this year, then that's another whole year dealing with him and who knows if we'd still be together after the next app cycle lol and if we were, I'd then be able to apply to US schools and the closest is 2 hours away, so that would def be much much more doable and I would def dive into LDR if that were the case.
Guess it's sorta wishful thinking to worry so much abt LDR when I don't even know if I'd get in on my first try!!

 

[StartingoverVet]

I actually started a LDR (he lived in NY, me in CA) prior to beginning veterinary school, little over a year ago. It was actually really good that way for school, as it was much easier for me to deal with a relationship if I didn't really have to put that much face time into it. Obviously it highly depends on the people involved as everyone has said, but for us it worked out quite well. He actually just moved here about a week ago - to be honest I'm more apprehensive about having him living with me during school than I was about the distance thing.

This makes a lot of sense to me. IMO, vet school is a LOT easier if you are unattached or if your "attachment" is not around. Case study: I have to admit that it was much easier studying full-time during the summer when my wife was away, than when she was here during the school year.
So, to me, if you are going choose to have a relationship in vet school, a long distance relationship sounds like a pretty good way to go.

Having said that...for the record.... not planning on making any changes in MY relationship (in case any of you start talking to my SO!)

 

[primatevetjess]

I'll give my two cents, even though my situation is a bit different (been together 7+ years, been married 3+ and have the best marriage ever ). We live six hours apart and this summer was the first time we lived together in two years (last summer I stayed in Davis to do research). Someone said it's about expectations, and that is very true. When I first left for vet school, we both imagined that it would be much harder on me than on him. But it quickly became evident that it was the other way around. My days were consumed by 8+ hours in class, study groups, club activities, studying late on my own, etc. His days were the same as always - work 8 hours, come home... then what? He'd watch TV, play video games, etc., but he was much more lonely than I was. During finals of Fall quarter first year, I went like a day and a half without calling him. He got upset and felt like my life was moving on without him, but when I patiently explained what studying for finals entailed, what my schedule was like, he understood and now knows that finals are a rough time.

We talk every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. Usually once when I'm done with classes and then before bed. We also randomly text each other pictures and a quick " I love you," and Skype is essential! Actually seeing his face while talking to him makes a huge difference. He flies up to see me every 3-4 weeks, depending on our schedules. We try to make it weekends when there are no huge exams looming so that we can spend a lot of quality time together, but that's not always possible (I'm looking at YOU Spring quarter, second year!!) and during those times he knows I'll be studying while he's visiting.

I'm not going to lie, it's very hard. There are times when it's awful - if I had a horrible exam and day, I just want a hug from him when I get home. It's going to test your relationship, no matter where you start. I consider myself lucky because our foundation was incredibly solid before I left, he's the most amazing, supportive, and understanding man ever, we trust each other without a doubt 100%, and we have realistic expectations about visiting, available time (mine), etc. But I'm living proof that given the right relationship it can absolutely work. I do think that if there are any weaknesses in the relationship before you try the LDR (jealousy, insecurity, etc.), it probably won't survive.

 

[futurevet3000]

I will throw in my two cents because it is a success story, and quite a fun one at that, I have definitely mentioned my relationship on more than one occasion on here, so for that I apologize and feel free to roll your eyes at me!

My boyfriend and I met while studying abroad junior year of undergrad in Australia. He came from a school in California, and is originally from Connecticut. I came from a school in Pennsylvania, and am from there as well. When the short four months of the program were up, we decided to see how it went over the summer, both being able to visit one another since CT and PA are only a few hours drive. But when senior year started, that's when it got very hard. But we were always chatting via computer and phone. Then when graduation came, we both got internships at wildlife rehab clinics, me in NJ and he in NC... very far apart. Just for the summer but nonetheless, hard. Met in Virginia once when we both had off. After that I got a job back home at a vet clinic and he got another internship in Florida! Talk about rough. That was for about six months. But now... we are both, yes BOTH, going to vet school in Edinburgh!!! It really is a fairytale come true.

Sorry that was a really long story and I hope it helped by just showing you that it is possible. I heard from so many people "it just does not work" but when its right, it will. And if you both really want it to, there is no reason for it not to.

Good luck and if you need any sort of advice in this department, I fancy myself an expert . We did after all do the LDR thing for like 3 years.

 

[petdrhpful2015]

We are sort of unique too. We've been together for 7+ years, married for 3+ years and he is a Marine. He will be returning from a deployment to Afghanistan in October and living 6 hours away from me at school, so I will be moving and getting settled without him here to help. With that said, we have been through so much in the last 4 years of his military career that I don't think vet school could be much more of a challenge than 3 deployments with NO contact at all! I really think it all depends on where you are coming from and how willing your SO is willing to meet you half way. I've made so many sacrifices the last four years, so now it is his turn to make the sacrifices so I can start my career.

I think you will know fairly quickly if it is going to work or not and what changes need to be made if it is worth saving. Starting something new always comes with adjustments, so as long as you're a person willing to make some compromises and work towards a better future together, I think anything can work. For us, there is a light at the end of a very long tunnel (albeit 4 years long). I feel like I can get through anything for 4 years as long as my husband isn't being shot at!

 

[GellaBella]

Having said that...for the record.... not planning on making any changes in MY relationship (in case any of you start talking to my SO!)

I agree with others, it can definitely be easier to focus in vet school if you have a secure, happy LDR, but getting that can be hard.

I dated a guy in England when I was in high school for about a year. We broke up when I went to college, started talking again when I was a sophomore, started dating again and dated for another 2.5 years before calling it off for good.

Long distance is hard. You've got to make a committment and find something that works for both of you guys. For us it was being on ICQ (haha dating myself there...basically like AIM but before AIM) in the evening for me, late night for him. In college that worked out fine, I didn't have a lot to do and could spend hours talking to him. It didn't work so well when I started graduate school and would still be in the lab at 7,8,9pm...times when he wanted to talk to me. I'd get home and call him and he'd be sulky cause I was so late, and sad/annoyed that I couldn't stay on the phone with him for hours because I had to read some papers/make dinner/sleep. It was hard.

I think that if we could have been together things would have been much different and I can say that the times when I would find time to fly out to England or for him to come over here we had a great time. But he needed more than I could give him and at a point I had to decide what was more important to me: my relationship or my degree. I had to choose my degree but I believed that after I was done with school we'd get back together like we had before and things would be perfect. And maybe they would have been, except then I met my fiance, and it was like we instantly clicked together and then things WERE perfect

So, the point of this whole long walk down memory road is that you both have to be honest about what you expect from each other during the LDR. Does he expect to talk to you for 3 hours a night? Cause that won't work. Do you expect him to drop what he's doing when you take a random study break and call? Cause if you cant meet each others expectations of what a relationship is, it will be hard to maintain it. You might think you're fine and he's upset and feeling like you don't care. etc etc.

So I'd suggest sitting down and having a serious talk and see how things go from there.

 

[Minnerbelle]

I don't know...plus, I won't be going back to where he lives on my summer/winter breaks, but back home in Japan where my friends and family lives. Ha, putting it out here just makes me realize how dreary the situation will be.

You are so freaking smart for having figured that out beforehand! Same goddam situation for me, and lemme tell ya, it sucks. Someone gets upset every break. Every time I talk to my parents, it's "when are you coming home???" Damned if I go "home" to Japan, damned if I go "home" to Boston, and damned if I stay "home" in Ft Collins. And it doesn't help that a sizeable portion of my extended fam have died in the past year or so, or are on their way out. gah!

 

[chris03333]

This makes a lot of sense to me. IMO, vet school is a LOT easier if you are unattached or if your "attachment" is not around. Case study: I have to admit that it was much easier studying full-time during the summer when my wife was away, than when she was here during the school year.
So, to me, if you are going choose to have a relationship in vet school, a long distance relationship sounds like a pretty good way to go.

Having said that...for the record.... not planning on making any changes in MY relationship (in case any of you start talking to my SO!)

HA! To each their own. I could not have survived vet school without my husband with me.

 

[twelvetigers]

Likewise, I think my husband will help keep me sane. I guess that just further proves the point that relationships are as different as the people that are in them. What works (or does not work) for one couple means nothing for another.

Regardless, do what you think will work, and communicate with your SO... and cross your fingers. I think that's the best anyone can do, LDR or not.

 

[Breezyte]

At least for this first year, I think I am glad that my SO will be 7 hrs away. I really want to hang out with my classmates and not worry about boyfriend neglect when I study late or worry about being no fun. Let me sort out my study schedule and everything.

I had a LDR my first year of undergrad and it had been LD for a year before that. For a freshman it was a great relationship, I had my guy and we had great weekend visits but I never felt like I had to balance my new friends vs. my boyfriend. We broke up for completely non-distance related reasons. So I know it can work and after 3 years of very sturdy relationship, I have faith that it will. Gotta have faith and a plan

good luck to all of our new LDRs! And thanks for the advice everyone!

 

[Chinola]

You are so freaking smart for having figured that out beforehand! Same goddam situation for me, and lemme tell ya, it sucks. Someone gets upset every break. Every time I talk to my parents, it's "when are you coming home???" Damned if I go "home" to Japan, damned if I go "home" to Boston, and damned if I stay "home" in Ft Collins. And it doesn't help that a sizeable portion of my extended fam have died in the past year or so, or are on their way out. gah!

My different "homes" are no where as far as Japan but I feel ya on that one. My dad is already bugging me about flying to NJ for Thanksgiving, while my boyfriend is 6 hours away from Gainesville and I'd prefer to visit him for that long weekend. No matter which I choose someone will be quite upset with me.

 

[NittanyKitty]

Vet school is definitely not the death knell for all relationships, long-distance or not. It highly, highly varies depending on the people involved and the bond itself.

My guy and I started dating our very last semester of college, so we only had about four months together in close proximity to get to know one another. We decided to give long-distance a go after that time and spent a year with a five hour drive between us while both of us worked. Last year I started vet school which increased the distance to nine hours of driving (we now fly for almost every visit) while also decreasing the amount of time and flexibility I had for travel. We've been lucky enough to be able to see each other about every second or third weekend (he travels tons for work so we alternate our visits) though we have done five and six week gaps in visits with no problem. We are still going strong and are crazier about each other than ever! He applies to MBA programs this coming cycle, so hopefully this time next year we will be living together in NC as he starts school at Duke or UNC.

Relationships are work in general. Long distance is just another factor to deal with. Both people have to be willing to have those nightly phone calls and put up with time-consuming and expensive travel to see each other. Since we have to fly to cover our distance, I end up spending about $250 for each visit - easily $1500 per year. It's a "luxury expense" that's coming from my loans, but if it's what it takes to see him, I have no problem spending it. Vet students need to pick visiting weekends carefully (look for fewer exams the following week so you can get the most out of your visit!) and be willing to put in extra time leading up to them in order to leave the books at home. Your partner needs to know that they are a priority...but that school is as well. Finding that balance is critical.

That being said, I almost find it easier to have a LDR right now because I can totally immerse myself in work during the week since he's not here and have our visiting weekends totally free. I never feel like I'm "ignoring" a partner in favor of studies because he's always several states away. There's always, always, always time (even the night before a test!) for our 30 to 60 minute phone call. It's the best part of the night and is definitely a grounding force in stressful days. In many ways, it's almost easier to have a work-life balance with a LDR than one with a local partner. I'm almost more concerned about the adjustment next year when we hope to be in the same geographical location!

Overall, vet school can kill relationships. Vet school can also strengthen relationships. Honestly, vet school is likely not the toughest thing two people will have to face together if they are really in it for the "long haul". Think of job loss, children, family sickness or death. These are much bigger issues that couples have to power through every day. Vet school is certainly stressful and trying at times, but I tend to think of it as a crucible for a relationship. Can the pair grow and learn from each other over the four years and come out of it with a strong bond and plenty of love? Then I think you're good to go for more of what life can throw at you.