Long Distance

[DatingMedStu]

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This is my first post on this site. I am dating a 4th year med student who just left a week ago to study for boards and then doing 3 months of out rotations. He won't be back in Michigan till Thanksgiving.

I am having trouble with the distance. I was just wondering if anyone had advice for me. Hes wonderful and I love him but its hard being 2nd to his schooling(though I know it has to be this way).

Will it get easier with internship and residency? If we are married? I know that I will end up moving and leaving my friends and family......

I just need advice from women that have gone through this....my friends have none!

 

[YogiB]

DMS-

I'm in the same position. Although my 4th year PHd/Md is instate it's been very difficult. The time we spend apart makes it seem as if he's in a different country. At least the PHd portion is behind us. 🙂 We started dating at the beginning of his 3rd year and first set of rotations. Every week it seems that he wanted to make the decision that maybe we should wait to be together. This would always happen when his schdule was heavy and he really didn't think I could handle the fact I wasn't first. He is who he is and what he does isn't going to change! So why wait? To add to our situation he is a single dad with two small children.

He is now doing a surgical rotation. He is on call every three days 😱 But I know he is the one! You have to make the decision to be in the moment. I know the reason he didn't call or we aren't able to make plans for the weekend is because of his job or he needs to study. The time he spends with his children is also important. He has no control over his schedule. He has high standards. I believe just like him, why go through this experience if you aren't going to go full tilt. Unlike medical TV program he is not partying with the staff or hanging out with the nurses.

The only real advice I can give you is to be your own person. Find things you want and need to do for yourself. Things are going to get better. But there will always be long and strange hours. His mind will wander to his patients and sometime he will bring that home. Allow him to vent. Sometime he maybe uncertain or have fears. This is the side of himself that he can't show to his collegues. Some of them may take these human traits as a sign of weakness. Support him.

This site has really given me insight and comfort. Just like you, I tried to talk to my friends who aren't involved with a person in medicine. Most of their advice included force the issue! Make him spend more time with you! All of this is moot. We spend quality time together when we can. Sometimes that's only once a month. We spend time talking and keeping our relationship on the front burners. There are still times when he become the "invisible man". But, I've come to realize I can't create a story behind his disapperance. My imagination is much larger than the truth. Work, study, sleep.

If he is "your lobster" you'll be able to figure it out. And if he is the one, it will be worth it.

 

[Cuteasaurus]

I haven't gone through the exact same situation since I'm the female AND the one in medical school, but I did want to "encourage" you. Yes, it's hard, but try not to feel like you're "second" to his schooling. Part of many medical school students' motivations to do well is to complete the training so that they can have a life with their SO.
To make the distance "easier" I'd suggest phone plans (cell or land) that allow for as much talking as you'll have time for. There is nothing worse than not being able to talk to your SO because it'll cost too much and you've used up your minutes. It's nice to have shared things as well. It can be a tv show you both watch every week, a movie you've both seen, etc, but it'll give you something "in common" to talk about while you're far apart. It'll also be easier for both of you if you understand that sometimes you'll have more time than others, so don't get upset/offended/etc if today you guys can't talk as much because the "big test" is in a couple days.
I think there are some good threads around here about other suggestions, so I'd say it might be worth your time to wade through some of them. 🙂
Good luck!

 

[xanthines]

I spent 2 years apart from my girlfriend when she was getting her master's and now we're about to spend 4 years apart because both of us are in DIFFERENT medical schools! 🙁

E-mail really really helps since you can leave messages and take your time to be thoughtful. Phoning is good too; get a family plan or use the same company (most have free in-network calling). Also, my girlfriend and I are starting to send pictures of each other (no, not dirty pictures!) through e-mail. It's kind of like cheap postcards. It helps to have digicams with timers on them.

Also, make it a point to fly out to your bf/gf/so from time to time. I was always on the lookout for cheap flights and discounts so I could fly to see her. I think seeing each other once a month or so is doable. If you alternate who does the flying you only have to fly 6 times a year. It gets a little expensive and tiresome, but love ain't easy.

Good luck!

-X

This is my first post on this site. I am dating a 4th year med student who just left a week ago to study for boards and then doing 3 months of out rotations. He won't be back in Michigan till Thanksgiving.

I am having trouble with the distance. I was just wondering if anyone had advice for me. Hes wonderful and I love him but its hard being 2nd to his schooling(though I know it has to be this way).

Will it get easier with internship and residency? If we are married? I know that I will end up moving and leaving my friends and family......

I just need advice from women that have gone through this....my friends have none!

 

[SuzieQ3417]

This isn't exactly the same situation, but during my first year of undergrad, my husband (then boyfriend) went to school in a different state. Frequent phone calls are a must, but if you don't want to pay for long distance calls, may I recommend Windows messenger? (it might be MSN messenger now). They have an option through that where you can hook up headphones through your computer, (buy a cheap set from walmart with a microphone attached) and connect to the other person to talk. The sound quality was great...just like talking on the phone, and it was entirely free. We did this almost every night, even if it was only for 5 or 10 minutes. It is also nice to physically see the person. We took turns traveling, making it a point to see each other every 2-3 weeks (if possible). It was difficult, but we survived, and it really made our relationship stronger.
My husband also studied abroad in Italy for 3 months, so the situation was similar to before. It does put a strain on the relationship. The important thing is not to end the phone call mad at each other. You really have to put everything out in the open, because they can obviously not read your body language to know how you are feeling.

 

[lovemydrhubby]

To make the distance "easier" I'd suggest phone plans (cell or land) that allow for as much talking as you'll have time for. There is nothing worse than not being able to talk to your SO because it'll cost too much and you've used up your minutes. It's nice to have shared things as well. It can be a tv show you both watch every week, a movie you've both seen, etc, but it'll give you something "in common" to talk about while you're far apart. It'll also be easier for both of you if you understand that sometimes you'll have more time than others, so don't get upset/offended/etc if today you guys can't talk as much because the "big test" is in a couple days.
I think there are some good threads around here about other suggestions, so I'd say it might be worth your time to wade through some of them. 🙂
Good luck!

We did this! we watched TV together 🙂 my husband (boyfriend at the time)and I did the long distance thing when he was in undergrad... just for a year though (4th year). We were 8 hrs apart. We'd try to instant message each other every day- even if we knew the other person was not there at the time...it's nice to have a message. Plus it was cheaper than phone calls. I asked all my family to buy me phone cards for holidays. Or if you have free nights/weekends on your cell that's great too. It was important to stay connected.... but still REALLY hard even when we did.

As for if things get easier with residency...or marriage. I can't speak for residency. My gut tells me things won't get easier (time wise). However, since we've been married and living together, it's much easier to spend time together when he IS available. He spends as much time with us as he can and I have accept his duties at the hospital. I know he'll never have a 9-5 job so I make sure I have my own hobbies and plans to keep me busy. I try to make things comfortable and organized at home so we CAN spend family time together when he's off. We started to work more closely together as a "team" in the past year or so and things have gotten alot easier. For me, asking about his work or friends or tests helped me understand more. I could offer to help or cook brownies for his friends while they studied or pop by the library with lunch.

As far as long distance goes- I don't have many tips there- I know how difficult that can be. just try to hang in the and try to increase the communication! let us know how things are going too ok?

 

[lazure]

Get Skype - a cheap way to talk longdistance over the computer - if both of you have it on your computer, it's free.
I did long distance for two years. It is doable but it is important that each party has their own friends/support network where they live. You still need to go out and have fun and relate to people face-to-face even if your partner is not there. Personally, I feel that my relationship has benefitted - we are getting married in a year 🙂.

 

[DatingMedStu]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I am trying to stay busy with work, family and my friends. Things seem to have gotten so much better since my post. We have both made an extra effort to stay in connect with eachother. He calls throughout the day on his study breaks and I am flying out to see him for 10days at the end of this month!

Thanks again for the advice!