Looking for feedback on Diversity essay skeleton

[bravia!]

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I am trying to get a skeleton established for my Diversity essay since most schools ask the question. I would tailor the essay to each school, obviously, but the core of it I am hoping to keep it similar enough. Here's what I am thus far:

My upbringing gives me a unique perspective on medicine and multiculturalism. Growing up in a third-world country for the first half of my life, and then being raised in a medically underserved and poverty-stricken city for the second half taught me many lessons that I am grateful for experiencing. For instance, I learned how difficult medical issues are to address when a family is not fluent in the provider's language. Since we moved to the USA, I would always help my mother with important tasks such as paying bills, reading through paperwork, etc, due to her insufficiency in English. With that came sitting in during doctors' visits and acting as a translator between my mother and the doctor. The relief my mother experienced from being able to express her concerns added to the joy I felt acting important and productive as a young kid. While a sweet memory, I learned that language and cultural barriers are still very prevalent in medicine. My experiences allowed me to reflect and consider the families that did not have any English speakers and relied solely on translators and other technologies. Traversing medicine in this way would be leaps more difficult, and I am grateful I was able to help my mother navigate the system. I want to work towards a system that incorporates more resources for non-native English speakers. While translator hotlines are a start, I believe other options haven’t been explored yet, and I would like to work to discover said options.

I believe it speaks about a unique problem that I (and many other immigrant families) most likely faced. I am hoping it does not come off "oooo I'm bilingual accept me now" type of thing. open to all feedback be harsh please 🙂

 

[Dr.S at Princeton Review]

If you write about the way you described, it does not come across as a "bilingual" story and speaks to your actual lived experience as both an immigrant and translator for your parents particularly your mother. If you served as a translator for other patients outside of your family, this would also be a great place to tie in those activities and really demonstrate that you're passionate about increasing access to healthcare for non-English speakers.

 

[bravia!]

If you write about the way you described, it does not come across as a "bilingual" story and speaks to your actual lived experience as both an immigrant and translator for your parents particularly your mother. If you served as a translator for other patients outside of your family, this would also be a great place to tie in those activities and really demonstrate that you're passionate about increasing access to healthcare for non-English speakers.

I've run into 2-3 arabic patients and I saw their mood visibly improve and become more comfortable from speaking to someone who speaks the language. you believe that's appropriate to tie into this?

 

[Mr.Smile12]

What did you write for Other Impactful Experiences?

 

[Rachapkis]

Your essay does not strike me as too self-serving. However, I would encourage you to think about your experiences broadly. For example, do your experiences growing up in a third world country and an underserved city help you identify with an underserved patient's way of life and put you in a better position to offer treatment in ways they can actually utilize? Can you give an example of where you picked up something about a patient that others without your background may have missed or where you realized that a patient needed help to gain access to a benefit that otherwise would have eluded them.

 

[bravia!]

Your essay does not strike me as too self-serving. However, I would encourage you to think about your experiences broadly. For example, do your experiences growing up in a third world country and an underserved city help you identify with an underserved patient's way of life and put you in a better position to offer treatment in ways they can actually utilize? Can you give an example of where you picked up something about a patient that others without your background may have missed or helped them gain access to a system that otherwise would have stymied them?

that is a good point, and speaks to 'show not tell'. the best example that comes to mind is 911 calls including hispanic or black families who tend to live in extended family style homes. often I try to address the patient and the family as much as possible because the assurance to the extended family is important to relieving their anxieties too. not something I frequently see with white American households

 

[bravia!]

What did you write for Other Impactful Experiences?

i spoke about financial difficulties immigrating to America, we were impoverished for ~2 years and my parents got divorced at that time too. I spoke about how I learned independence growing up with a single parent while also how important family (extended too) is to me.