Love/Dating/Romance/Relationships/Making Babies

[LooKing4Ward]

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I'm 29, male, single, 2.5 overall (2.17 BCPM) gpa, BS in Biology. I'm thinking of doing a post-bac. That combine with med school, residency, and practice it looks like it'll take 10 years.

I don't want to be 40 and single. But it seems like that is what is going to happen (or needs to happen). With a last chance to shine in post-bac and wanting to do well in med school I would say I have no time/chance to be distracted by anything else (and knowing myself I tend to fall hard/emotional in love and that can be distracting). Additionally, there's relocation to consider, you can't really build a relationship with somebody if you have to move.

The only time I see anything becoming real or fruitful (where dating/relationships lead to marriage) is towards residency or practice. Even then you're scarificed for time and commitment towards your career.

So, how does anybody do it? Manage to date or have a relationship throughout this process, especially if you're an older student (and/or a women) feeling the biological clock ticking. I'm a guy and I feel it, especially when I see others/friends married, have a house, and having kids. I know I probably shouldn't be comparing myself to others. But at times I can't help but think that I don't want to be a 40 nearing 50 year old first time dad chasing after a kid.

 

[imrep1972]

I'm 29, male, single, 2.5 overall (2.17 BCPM) gpa, BS in Biology. I'm thinking of doing a post-bac. That combine with med school, residency, and practice it looks like it'll take 10 years.

I don't want to be 40 and single. But it seems like that is what is going to happen (or needs to happen). With a last chance to shine in post-bac and wanting to do well in med school I would say I have no time/chance to be distracted by anything else (and knowing myself I tend to fall hard/emotional in love and that can be distracting). Additionally, there's relocation to consider, you can't really build a relationship with somebody if you have to move.

The only time I see anything becoming real or fruitful (where dating/relationships lead to marriage) is towards residency or practice. Even then you're scarificed for time and commitment towards your career.

So, how does anybody do it? Manage to date or have a relationship throughout this process, especially if you're an older student (and/or a women) feeling the biological clock ticking. I'm a guy and I feel it, especially when I see others/friends married, have a house, and having kids. I know I probably shouldn't be comparing myself to others. But at times I can't help but think that I don't want to be a 40 nearing 50 year old first time dad chasing after a kid.

L4W - sorry I don't have much to tell you, except to say I understand exactly what you are talking about. I am 33, doing an SMP and newly single.

No family of my own, and sitting here wondering - I will be almost 43 by the time I finish the training I want to do (assuming I even get in 🙂 ) So what happens to my personal life?

In the meantime, nearly every one of my lifelong friends is now married and working on their second or third child. It can be distracting and discouraging.

I do know that a lot of med students wind up meeting their future SO's in med school. (it also seems that a higher proportion of those relationships wind up failing - so... 🙁 )

So, in short, I would welcome any insight anyone can provide as well...

 

[benelswick]

No magical insights here, just some notes on the minefield itself...

I woke up in as I was turning 30 into trying to do this. My wife is an artist and I've always done labor and barely kept us afloat. I'm doing a little better, union job in a hospital, but between working full time+ and going to school full-time and becoming rigidly fixated on a goal...my relationship has recieved a crushing punishment of blows over the last couple of years. we're still standing, but the cuts are visible. And I'm still a couple years from applying.

Kids...man...I can't even think about that. Be cautious when accepting warm fuzzy advice in this regard. Many of the people who are doing this with children have a significant other who can pay the bills, have the savings to study for a few years, or who have an extended family network, and the rest are truly superhuman.

You're right to think about the consequences of this path because they are a part of it. This work and the pursuit of it will render you abnormal with respect to expectations in relationships. A life of family and friends and a relationship centered life and the life of an reponsible adult who decides later in life to go for med school, are in the least partially exclusive of each other. Some will tell you otherwise...but if you listen carefully, you can hear the cracks through which wind blows in the hallmark facade of their imaginings.

take a look around and think about it...but be sure there is a distinct blues that will follow you as you go down this path.--ben

 

[abcxyz0123]

I wouldn't worry at all...in fact, i'd be looking forward to it. honestly, i think pursuing your dreams will make you happier, while at the same time get you farther in life. and both of these factors will make you more attractive to the opposite sex. also, the whole journey of post-bacc, med school, residency, etc.. will give you countless opportunities to meet some incredible, intelligent young women. If you meet a girl in med school, you can apply for the couples' residency, where both of you will pretty much be guaranteed to get residency positions in the same geographical area. So you have all of med school, residency and life as an attending to pursue and foster a long term relationship. Hell, I think you'd be worse off if you just stayed in the position you are at now. But i'm 19, so what the hell do I know..

 

[nena]

my 24th birthday was a few weeks ago..and all i could do was sit around and feel sorry for myself. i couldn't help but think that i was already 24 and nowhere near where i wanted to be. i am finally dealing with the fact that i won't start med school till i'm like 25. i wanted to have at least one kid by 26. i don't think thats gonna happen by the way things are looking now. anyway, i think it'd be great to meet someone now with similar interest and go on the journey together. it just seems like it could make the journey more worthwhile and fun. or meet someone already a few years ahead. that way there would be this understanding that i think people not pursuing a medical career don't really have. i just don't want to get old and have all the good men taken as seems to be the case...

 

[monu1234]

my 24th birthday was a few weeks ago..and all i could do was sit around and feel sorry for myself. i couldn't help but think that i was already 24 and nowhere near where i wanted to be. i am finally dealing with the fact that i won't start med school till i'm like 25. i wanted to have at least one kid by 26. i don't think thats gonna happen by the way things are looking now. anyway, i think it'd be great to meet someone now with similar interest and go on the journey together. it just seems like it could make the journey more worthwhile and fun. or meet someone already a few years ahead. that way there would be this understanding that i think people not pursuing a medical career don't really have. i just don't want to get old and have all the good men taken as seems to be the case...

STUPID ASIDEL: mother teresa was an albanian who lived in india

 

[nena]

you're right..i didn't catch that..then again, i didn't write that..clear example of what happens when you copy/paste without checking twice...thanks..i'll fix it..

 

[NRAI2001]

I already feel that way and I am only 22, soon to be 23, will start med school next year!!!! From what i hear the avg age of most people entering med school is 24 and by that time most people in each class already are married or have a very significant other. Plus med students are usually pretty geeky and it will be harder to socialize with people outside of your classes. 👎

 

[NatalieMN]

So comforting to hear others dealing with the same issues. I'm 27 and applying to postbac programs. I do realize that this is a very involved ten-year process that will leave little time for socializing, but I also feel that it's worth it. I'm just going to enjoy the process. I think it's a plus that I'm not tied down in a relationship right now- I'm free to go to any program and don't have to worry about location. I can't think of any other profession I would rather pursue and if a relationship/family aren't in the cards for me, I would certainly be disappointed, but I have so many other things to be thankful for.

 

[shkmiami]

I think the key is to stop comparing yourself with others and realizing you have your own unique path to walk. I am 28 and I have twelve friends who were already mds by the time they were 24 (via 6 year accelerated BS-MD programs) and have finished their residencies now. They are doctors while I am a student. So you can see how comparing yourself to a group such as that can truly wear on someone. I decided long ago not to endulge in self-pity since you always end up feeling like crap and such negative emotions will never help in getting into med school. You have got to decide to become the non-traditional success story people will be talking about for inspiration in their own struggles to get into med school.

 

[Beautifulchild]

Goodness! All of you youngins worried about what lies ahead. 🙂 I am 37 and just started a Post Bac program and I'm not even into the bulk of my program. I'm taking one class right now. I am a female and I want to get married and have a family. Actually it was my plan, but the relationships didn't work out. I just decided that I can't worry about what I don't have yet. All I can do is deal with what I'm doing right now. I'm not going to give up on having a family, but I'm not going to worry about it. Some may say that's unrealistic, but honestly I don't care what other people say. If I did I wouldn't be in a post bac program trying to achieve this dream.

Seriously, I have had this conversation with myself over and over. I understand where you are coming from. I just find that I'm much happier not worrying. I believe that I can have whatever God says I can have. So live your life and take it as it comes. Keep in mind your goals. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. You'll know what to do when the time comes.

 

[medanthgirl]

I am just now reading this thread and I just want to send out a giant chill pill for the following reasons:

1) if medicine + helping people + being academic is really your thing, well guess what, you are probably going to meet someone along your journey that may just be your kindred spirit

2) if you meet someone outside of medicine and start dating them and they're all like waaah we're not together enough, well they're not going to be the greatest partner during your residency or when you are an attending and reading journal articles on your weekends and getting paged at 3am. if they can't support you pursuing and working towards your life dream then they are not perfect for you. at the same time, you may need to give up any gunner tendencies and try to be realisitic about what a good balance is for pre-med/med people.

3) not to be a shower of cold water, but there's no guarantee that if you don't do medicine that you will be married and have the 2.5 kids by age 35, 40 whatever. so do what your heart desires and all kinds of love will follow.

i was dating a med student when i was in undergrad, he was across the country and we 'almost' broke up several times. it was rocky but we stuck it out and now we've been married 5 years. and it's rough now that i'm diving in. but each of us knows that's what the other wants to do with our time on earth, so we love that part of each other as well. now my brain is yes crazy with oh gosh, is it worth putting of having children, but i would never want that future child to comprimise their future, at least when they're in a pivotal part of their life, so why would i do the same? personally, i'd rather have children in med school than during the process, so my plan is to try later.

peace.

 

[nico05]

Its late, just got out of class and I really have nothing important to say...

I'm 26, finishing a post-bacc and starting a masters this spring...the only thing I look forward to is the years of NO regret rather than the years of what if's???

If it is for you, it is for you and you need to do it regardless of age - 23, 33, 43

besides, when we are 40 looking back, it wont be that bad 🙂

 

[NRAI2001]

Its late, just got out of class and I really have nothing important to say...

I'm 26, finishing a post-bacc and starting a masters this spring...the only thing I look forward to is the years of NO regret rather than the years of what if's???

If it is for you, it is for you and you need to do it regardless of age - 23, 33, 43

besides, when we are 40 looking back, it wont be that bad 🙂

When you start to consider the length of residencies and fellowships it becomes quite daunting, but i would still do it.