Love or Goals?

[byeh2004]

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Though I'm single currently I've been pondering all day today and was curious what you guys thought, if you could only choose between one thing which would you choose? To stay with someone you love (ie: significant other or gf) or go out and achieve your dreams and goals?

 

[DrBowtie]

Moot point. I would only love someone who would support my goals and dreams.

 

[byeh2004]

what if the person has goals and dreams of her own? like lets say you were dating another pre-med

i don't know what I would do.... love is such a complicating subject of which I cannot grab any concept of... how do I really know a person supports my goals and dreams? how can I act unselfish when it comes to making decisions if I get into med schools 3 years from now?

 

[DrBowtie]

I dunno man. I am dating an education major. She knows she is going to be bound by my career choices/location.

 

[getunconcsious]

BrettBatchelor is capable of love? Wow, that's a stretch but ok. Anyways, I'd pick my goals b/c I've learned from experience that most people you think you love will just hurt you sooner or later...you can always find another person, but you're forever stuck with your own career.

 

[byeh2004]

I guess it all depends on the length and how good a relationship with a person is. I agree, its a very moot point. Why the heck am I stressing about it haha.... I'am so goddamn emo...

 

[getunconcsious]

Oh another thing, what the hell is this pink-haired troll person supposed to be? a straight male?

 

[DrBowtie]

BrettBatchelor is capable of love? Wow, that's a stretch but ok. Anyways, I'd pick my goals b/c I've learned from experience that most people you think you love will just hurt you sooner or later...you can always find another person, but you're forever stuck with your own career.

3 years and still strong. I am not AS harsh in real life I promise.

 

[red dot]

i see where you're going with this, but the thing is that there can't be such a thing. it's like asking for a cheeseburger without the cheese. if there is love then either you or your significant other will inherently support each other goals. if you still insist on having to choose one or the other, then logically pick the one that has a definite future. or, pick one that will make you more happy in the end (when you're about to die).

 

[byeh2004]

Oh another thing, what the hell is this pink-haired troll person supposed to be? a straight male?

yea something like that, tough guys wear pink

 

[getunconcsious]

yea something like that, tough guys wear pink

Ok, not trying to insult, just trying to clarify really. I used to have a pink-haired troll back in the day when those 'treasure trolls' with jewels in their navels were popular. Of course, at present day I'm hella gay. But it's all good 👍

 

[dajimmers]

3 years and still strong. I am not AS harsh in real life I promise.

Hey, I was dating (married now) an education major as well. She's very supportive, but will of course be giving her input on where she'd like to live (and where she can get a job) based on what schools I'm accepted to. Like she doesn't seem to like the idea of teaching in Baltimore all that much...

 

[Beau Geste]

If you give up your dreams for someone else, it changes you. How can someone love you if you are pretending to be something else by doing that? I have so been there, and it's not worth it. At 21 or so, being a pre-med or applying to med school should be your priority. That is such a young age, but alas, many 21-year-olds feel that if they don't have a significant other right now they are worthless and will die alone.

Take it from me, who has travelled all around the world for love, that you will be happier fulfilling your dreams. If you find someone now, by all means, do not give up your education for love. If someone can't support your goals and dreams, then it's not love.

Also, my father gave me this advice years ago:
"Never marry for money. Hang around the rich and marry for love!"

 

[docbill]

I would only love someone who would support my goals and dreams.

This is the right answer.

A good long lasting relationship is not based and sex and kissing.
It is based on respect, teamwork and common goals. Otherwise, it is like two trains going in seperate direction... No one will succeed from this.

Now if you are with the mate, and S/he suddently has to adjust to changes in her/his plans, then if you are a good team, couple, you will comprimise on what you must do. It is a give and take.

 

[baby4you]

If you give up your dreams for someone else, it changes you. How can someone love you if you are pretending to be something else by doing that? I have so been there, and it's not worth it. At 21 or so, being a pre-med or applying to med school should be your priority. That is such a young age, but alas, many 21-year-olds feel that if they don't have a significant other right now they are worthless and will die alone.

Take it from me, who has travelled all around the world for love, that you will be happier fulfilling your dreams. If you find someone now, by all means, do not give up your education for love. If someone can't support your goals and dreams, then it's not love.

Also, my father gave me this advice years ago:
"Never marry for money. Hang around the rich and marry for love!"

Totally agree with you. 😀
If you give up your dreams, is not you anymore.
If I had to pick, I will be my goals. I have been thinking about this all my life, I cant change that.

 

[JustR]

i see where you're going with this, but the thing is that there can't be such a thing. it's like asking for a cheeseburger without the cheese. if there is love then either you or your significant other will inherently support each other goals. if you still insist on having to choose one or the other, then logically pick the one that has a definite future. or, pick one that will make you more happy in the end (when you're about to die).

Joonie
I am with ya!!!
Love and Goals,,,
Each one would find its way to be adjusted if a person loves someone who has goals or the vice versa.

But to add to that….. Compromise,,,,,,, don’t expect more from love, but give as much as one can to love and goal.

 

[LJDHC05]

If you're significant other says "No, please dont go to medical school, spend all of your time doting on me!!!" you should probably kick them to the curb. But before you uncerimoniously send them to the cold, cruel land of being your ex, you should probably remind them that you're going to be a doctor and will buy them anything they want after you pay off your loans if they just shut up (because that's probably the kind of person they are).

As a significant other, I told my girlfriend that she had better go to the better law school that she got into versus the one in boston that is closer to me. She wants to be a lawyer, and I want her to be happy with her career and able to support herself if I get killed by a deranged Yankees fan or hit by a bus crossing the street or end up stuck in my dead end research tech job for the next 35 years because I got rejected from 24 schools. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Hoberto]

what if the person has goals and dreams of her own? like lets say you were dating another pre-med

i don't know what I would do.... love is such a complicating subject of which I cannot grab any concept of... how do I really know a person supports my goals and dreams? how can I act unselfish when it comes to making decisions if I get into med schools 3 years from now?

I know it sounds trite but, you will know. My husband supports me...he wants me to be happy and we are working together to make it happen. We are a team. We make decisions together and choose what will make us both happy. So, if I go to med school 4hrs away we will visit on weekends and holidays. It will be tough but we will still be together.

 

[Shredder]

go out and achieve your dreams and goals?

hands down

 

[Beau Geste]

I know it sounds trite but, you will know. My husband supports me...he wants me to be happy and we are working together to make it happen. We are a team. We make decisions together and choose what will make us both happy. So, if I go to med school 4hrs away we will visit on weekends and holidays. It will be tough but we will still be together.

Yep! Every so often I bring up the "what ifs" with my fiance so we are aware of our options and aware of what we might face. So far, he's with the plan, even if it means being apart 3-4 hours for med school. We both know it's an investment into both our futures. Plus, I joke with him that he can retire if he wants when residency is over since he'll have been supporting me for 10 or more years! 🙂

I've dated other guys and actually really serious with a few that seemed OK with me working/pursuing advanced degrees (before med school was my focus), but over time, I would pick up on subtleties that they really wanted a stay-at-home wife and mother. While some women want that, I don't, and it eventually led to letting go.

Compromise is important, but so is your sanity!

 

[GujjuNo1]

hands down

I can't help but think about "Good Will Hunting"

I would definitely go for the GIRL, assuming it is true love. My interest medicine can never be greater than my LOVE for another person. PLUS, I think if you are truely in love, it would have been an easy decision.

Of course, if she loves you the same way...she will not put you in a position where you have to choose between her and your goals.

(btw....no one should make this decision after reading posts from strangers on a forum (i am sure you weren't planning to). )

 

[teedub]

Moot point. I would only love someone who would support my goals and dreams.

agreed

 

[dbhvt]

Moot point. I would only love someone who would support my goals and dreams.

Sometimes you love someone, and they love you, yet, at some point you're needs become mutually exclusive. It is very very sad when this happens.

Here's a hypothetical:

You have a lot of fun with someone, fall in love, build a serious long term relationship, essentially become part of her family, get engaged, go to Paris, plan a wedding, and as all of these things are ramping up, commitment to your academic and career goals ramp up as well. Your fiance loves you and wants to support you, but because of the way she is put together emotionally, she needs to spend a lot of time with you, and time is becoming an ever scarcer commodity. You want to make the time for her, but the desparity becomes so great that even a compromise in the middle sacrifices your goals and her happiness. You're both miserable, and neither of you are getting what you want. You realize you might be able to cut it for a while, but will probably end up resenting eachother and getting a divorce. Call the wedding off, take the ring back, move out, and have a good cry.

Unfortunately, as this hypothetical suggests, neither life nor love are fair, and sometimes the thing that seems so right just can't work out.

 

[dbhvt]

This is the right answer.

A good long lasting relationship is not based and sex and kissing.
It is based on respect, teamwork and common goals. Otherwise, it is like two trains going in seperate direction... No one will succeed from this.

Agreed, with one slight modification. A GOOD long lasting relationship is based on respect, teamwork, common goals, AND sex and kissing. A mediocre long lasting relationship is based on respect, teamwork, and common goals. Without the respect, etc., it won't last, but without the sex, etc., it's not going to be very exciting.

 

[QofQuimica]

Though I'm single currently I've been pondering all day today and was curious what you guys thought, if you could only choose between one thing which would you choose? To stay with someone you love (ie: significant other or gf) or go out and achieve your dreams and goals?

This is a false dichotomy; there's no reason why you can't have both. For now, make finishing your education your priority, especially if you're traditional-aged. Boyfriends and girlfriends break up, marriages end in divorce, but that piece of paper is yours for life, and financial independence will allow you to start again fresh if you ever need to do that. After you finish college and medical school, you can find a career that will accomodate a family life if that is what you want.

 

[CTSballer11]

I would definately go for the girl, no doubt about it. If you are truly in love you would do anything, go anywhere to be with your "true love". If you have to think about it then you are probably not in in love.

 

[LabMonster]

I dunno man. I am dating an education major. She knows she is going to be bound by my career choices/location.

I agree. My wife completely supports me and my goals. However, my career will never dictate the course of my marriage. There is balance, and there must be balance to be happy in this career.

 

[LJDHC05]

I agree. My wife completely supports me and my goals. However, my career will never dictate the course of my marriage. There is balance, and there must be balance to be happy in this career.

Amen. It's not finding that balance that has destroyed so many marriages in medicine. I've warned my girlfriend about the 36 hr shifts for a few years, my tendancy to be a workaholic, the fact that we'll be poor for a long time, and generally all the negative things that I could think of so that she can get out now instead of dealing with divorce and custody battles and divying up the posessions later. I'm not a pessimist or even a realist, I've just seen it happen with too many of the physicians that I know and I dont want her getting hurt later on when all of these things are suddenly in the mix. Luckily for me, she doesnt scare easily and doesnt care about money and just wants to be with me.

 

[jbrice1639]

When I decided to start my post-bac program, I had just gotten engaged about three months earlier, and my wife-to-be was completely supportive of everything from the start. It never even occurred to either of us that I would have to choose between her or medicine...and it also doesn't mean she had to give up any of her dreams either...it just involves a little effort...for example, now that we're married and i'm through my post-bac, i only applied to schools in cities where we felt she could find a new job (if we have to move) and/or where we already have friends so that she won't be alone when i'm busier than any human should ever have to be.

i think if you're in a relationship where you perceive this choice is necessary, the choice has probably already been made...

 

[VPDcurt]

I've been in a relationship for almost 2 months now and I just got a job offer 600 miles away. She is a dental student so she really can't follow me down there. I sort of have to take the job though because it offers so much in terms of research, publications, presentations, etc, so I am unfortunately leaving in about 3 weeks. It's a tough decision but one that has to be made nonetheless. We are going to try to stick it out but it's tough when it is so early on in the relationship. I think you should put your goals first because you don't want to look back and regret the decision. You may also be subconsciously bitter toward someone you stayed with and missed out on an important opportunity. That's just my opinion obviously, but whatever.

 

[DrBowtie]

I agree. My wife completely supports me and my goals. However, my career will never dictate the course of my marriage. There is balance, and there must be balance to be happy in this career.

I suppose I need to clarify a bit. I was not saying that since I will have the higher paying job that I will completely dictate the relationship. It is just a given that we might have to move for med school and move again for residency. Luckily there are schools everywhere.

 

[PreMedMommy]

I'm a bit cynical about love, after seeing how my mom bought my father's phd, then he decided to leave for another woman he met at church, and my mom had to go back to school to support my brother and me. Ever since then, I say screw love if you can't be prepared to deal with the aftermath of a wrecked marriage. So, getting my education is top priority to me, and luckily it is top priority with my husband as well. That way, if my marriage goes to poop, I can support my kids, and afford to pay alimony if I have to. (Fortunately, I think I married a guy that I don't have to worry about him doing something like that to me, but then everyone says that.) And don't take this the wrong way, I love my husband with all of my heart, but you never know what will happen in the future. Promises (and marriage vows) are broken all the time. I learned that the hard way through watching my parents.

 

[VPDcurt]

I'm a bit cynical about love, after seeing how my mom bought my father's phd, then he decided to leave for another woman he met at church, and my mom had to go back to school to support my brother and me. Ever since then, I say screw love if you can't be prepared to deal with the aftermath of a wrecked marriage. So, getting my education is top priority to me, and luckily it is top priority with my husband as well. That way, if my marriage goes to poop, I can support my kids, and afford to pay alimony if I have to. (Fortunately, I think I married a guy that I don't have to worry about him doing something like that to me, but then everyone says that.) And don't take this the wrong way, I love my husband with all of my heart, but you never know what will happen in the future. Promises (and marriage vows) are broken all the time. I learned that the hard way through watching my parents.

To give you some credit right off the bat, I think you are more realistic than cynical. The problem with "love" is that it tends to catch people off guard and put them in a position where they are not willing or even capable of looking at the situation from an outsider's perspective (which is where it usually makes the most sense). I think people get caught up in the situation and make foolish decisions based on their hopes for a particular relationship. What I've learned is that the only person you can truly trust is yourself...so even if your significant other is dropping L-bombs left and right, they may take off for someone else that same day.

 

[PreMedMommy]

To give you some credit right off the bat, I think you are more realistic than cynical. The problem with "love" is that it tends to catch people off guard and put them in a position where they are not willing or even capable of looking at the situation from an outsider's perspective (which is where it usually makes the most sense). I think people get caught up in the situation and make foolish decisions based on their hopes for a particular relationship. What I've learned is that the only person you can truly trust is yourself...so even if your significant other is dropping L-bombs left and right, they may take off for someone else that same day.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees things this way. I get so fed up with some people's lovey-dovey, hearts-floating-out-their-eyeballs, cupid's-arrow-pokin-out-the-butt stuff. Ask anyone who's been married a significant amount of time. That smoochy-smoochy kissy-baby stuff doesn't hang around long anyways, no matter what your motives are.

 

[Samoa]

You all are talking about this as if it's your goal vs. your spouse's goal. But what if it's two goals of your own that are in opposition? I.e. you want a career, you want a family, you don't want to have to choose. And you know this is the right guy because he doesn't want you to have to choose, either. But he wants a career too, and he wants a family too, and you also don't want him to have to choose. And you can't each have both, and there's a limit to the compromises each of you can make without essentially having made that choice anyway.

What then?

(I'm not in this situation, but I can see it happening at some point, particularly since I'm in my mid-30's and want to pursue a very time-consuming specialty. Both goals are equally important to me, and both require a massive front-end commitment of time. I sometimes wonder what I'd end up choosing, and I'm completely unable to predict my choice anymore. The best answer depends on so many variables that I simply can't decide without the actual situation before me.)

 

[DrBowtie]

You all are talking about this as if it's your goal vs. your spouse's goal. But what if it's two goals of your own that are in opposition? I.e. you want a career, you want a family, you know this is the right guy because he doesn't want you to have to choose, either. But he wants a career too, and he wants a family too, and you don't want him to have to choose. And you can't each have both, and there's a limit to the compromises each of you can make without essentially having made that choice anyway.

What then?

(I'm not in this situation, but I can see it happening at some point, particularly since I'm in my mid-30's and want to pursue a very time-consuming specialty. Both goals are equally important to me, and both require a massive front-end commitment of time. I sometimes wonder what I'd end up choosing, and I'm completely unable to predict my choice anymore. The best answer depends on so many variables that I simply can't decide without the actual situation before me.)

One answer: Lifestyle specialty.

 

[Samoa]

yes, but my point is, I'd be giving up the specialty I really want. So that's essentially sacrificing the career.

 

[DrBowtie]

yes, but my point is, I'd be giving up the specialty I really want. So that's essentially sacrificing the career.

ooooh. Well I have heard that with almost any specialty you can practice within favorable hours for a lower salary. Something to look into before you choose your residency.

 

[thegenius]

This is basically a silly question. And I agree with those who say that you can have both, it's not like you'll have a gun put to your head and be forced to choose your marriage/family vs your job.

However, I believe that ultimate happiness and welfare in life (certainly in my life) comes from having a stable, loving marriage and having children. If not marriage then a life-long partner. Whatever you want to call it. When it comes down to it, I believe I'm going to really like being a doctor, but I'm going to love be a husband and father (I actually already am a husband and father!)

In life I have been bouyed by my close network of family and friends and they are the most important parts of my life. Work is for the most part simply a means to an end. When I'm sick and old and need people to take care of me, I want to lean on those who I've spent years building a close relationship. My professional accolades and accomplishments will mean nothing.

That being said (and I'm sure I made a rhetorical obvious argument), I'm fortunate to be in a great relationship and have a kick-ass 8-month old son, and that is why I'm focusing on finding a career I can be proud and excited about.

 

[mshheaddoc]

I compromised for the one I loved and moved to be with him. If I had to choose over my life or my love ... I choose my life. I have done it before. If you choose life ... its not really love 😉

 

[mshheaddoc]

You all are talking about this as if it's your goal vs. your spouse's goal. But what if it's two goals of your own that are in opposition? I.e. you want a career, you want a family, you don't want to have to choose. And you know this is the right guy because he doesn't want you to have to choose, either. But he wants a career too, and he wants a family too, and you also don't want him to have to choose. And you can't each have both, and there's a limit to the compromises each of you can make without essentially having made that choice anyway.

What then?

(I'm not in this situation, but I can see it happening at some point, particularly since I'm in my mid-30's and want to pursue a very time-consuming specialty. Both goals are equally important to me, and both require a massive front-end commitment of time. I sometimes wonder what I'd end up choosing, and I'm completely unable to predict my choice anymore. The best answer depends on so many variables that I simply can't decide without the actual situation before me.)

Great point and also something that effects alot of women. I know one indiv who now had to change her specialty because of a lifechanging event. She can't persue her dream but the family came first.

Also I worry, what if me and my finance aren't in the same area, he's applying to residencies and myself to med schools at the same time. I could limit myself to two schools, but do I want to do that? We've decided on compromising and hopefully it will work out locally but you often wonder ...

 

[maggie08]

BrettBatchelor is capable of love? Wow, that's a stretch but ok. Anyways, I'd pick my goals b/c I've learned from experience that most people you think you love will just hurt you sooner or later...you can always find another person, but you're forever stuck with your own career.

👍

 

[Beau Geste]

I would definately go for the girl, no doubt about it. If you are truly in love you would do anything, go anywhere to be with your "true love". If you have to think about it then you are probably not in in love.

Being truly in love is about making smart decisions, not emotional ones.

 

[Truman Stanford]

Love or goals?...hmmmm....How about "love your goals" 😉 Everybody wins.

 

[newguy357]

Anyone who would put a career ahead of love, given the option, has never experienced love.

 

[willthatsall]

What if your SO was applying to med school too. Would you go to a med school that wasn't on the top of your list because he/she couldn't get into the school that you wanted to attend? Or would that be too much sacrifice?

 

[Anastasis]

Anyone who would put a career ahead of love, given the option, has never experienced love.

I'm going to have to call a big fat bull**** on that one. Sorry.

Sappy one line rhetoric aside...

I had a guy pick career over me. It hurt like hell but I recognize the fact that if he had not made that decision he would been miserable the rest of his life. It would have changed him. He would have ceased to be that guy I fell in love with. I don't blame him for the choice he made because situations reversed I would have done the same thing. And if you want to sit there through the computer screen and say we weren't in love then go ahead. There's nothing I can do to make you believe me. But I know what I felt and it was love.


On a lighter note, you gotta love the emo side of SDN

 

[newguy357]

And if you want to sit there through the computer screen and say we weren't in love then go ahead.

Thanks for your permission. You weren't in love.

 

[Anastasis]

Thanks for your permission. You weren't in love.

*sigh* I pity your patients. I think empathy should be a pre-rec for med school too.

EDIT: Nevermind - we can argue about this all night. My response should have been that if you can so flippantly dismiss someone's feelings then obviously YOU haven't been in love.

 

[newguy357]

*sigh* I pity your patients. I think empathy should be a pre-rec for med school too.

EDIT: Nevermind - we can argue about this all night. My response should have been that if you can so flippantly dismiss someone's feelings then obviously YOU haven't been in love.

That makes no sense. Attempted profundity often fails. Please stop trying.