Maintaining a long-distance relationship during med school?

[EthylMethylMan]

Anybody here have any experience with this? I'm starting MS1 in August and will be a 6-ish hour drive from my girlfriend. I'll be able to afford to see her once a month or so, but I'm worried about the workload pushing us apart. If anyone has stories to share or genreal advice it'd be appreciated.

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[superdoc2.0]

Long distance relationships are just too hard. Bail!

 

[Bancrofti]

Unless you guys have already discussed marriage and you're 100% sure she's the one, it's time to break up with her. It will suck, but it's better to get it over with now. It's probably what's best for both of you.

 

[NickNaylor]

I will simply say that of the fairly large number of people that entered med school in long-distance relationships, probably half had ended by the end of first year. I agree that unless you've discussed marriage and both of you are seriously committed to the relationship it likely won't end well. Long-distance relationships just suck (did it for almost four years in college), and the stress of your work independent of anything else your partner might be doing makes it that much harder. It's certainly possible, but most didn't end well in my class.

 

[sliceofbread136]

I tried, it fell apart in a couple months. I had a lot of trouble adjusting/dealing with stress and it resulted in stupid fights, plus being multiple hours away sucks hardcore.

Unless you are really planning on marrying her I'd say it's not worth it in my opinion

 

[Jrcomsto]

I'm not in med school yet either, and so I'm in the same boat. I know med school is a whole different beast than undergrad, and I have a lot of doubts and misgivings about trying to do long distance during it.

My SO and I were 2,000 miles apart for 2.5 years (while I was in undergrad), and we will likely be doing it through med school (I would be 6 hours away if I choose the school I'm leaning towards). Long distance is definitely not for the faint of heart, but I truly believe it can be done. Will she be able to come see you at all, or is it all on you to visit her? I think that will make a huge difference. Is there any chance she can move to where you are going to school any time soon? What will happen when you get a residency and you likely have to move again? Does she understand what your schedule will be like as an M3?
I think if you two talk very, very, openly about where you see the relationship going long-term, your expectations for who will visit who and how often, and when the long-distance period will be over, then you have a shot at making it work. Is she in medicine or a health field at all?

 

[akwho]

MS3 currently. Been long distance for all three years, we dated for the two years prior to that. Its been really hard, but its definitely doable if you have the right partner. Here are the things that have worked for us:

1. First make sure this is a gal/guy you would marry down the road, otherwise the sacrifice is not worth it.
2. Have a definite end date in mind, after which you will be physically together. Residency is the obvious choice. Make a pact to move together to wherever residency will be. Explain you don't have complete control of the process.
   
3. Talk every night on the phone. Text during the day.
4. Visit each other every month during pre-clinical years (trade visits, who visits who). They will have to visit you on your rotations due to your work schedule, try to visit once each rotation during the clinical years. Share the travel cost equally.
   
5. Keep up with your partners family and friends. Remain part of their social circle so you stay connected.

 

[Kelevra]

Lots of good advice here. Also, really talk to her and share what your life is going to be like; it's not perfect, and she won't really know what she's getting into until you guys are there, however. Be aware, that even if you've been discussing marriage, and it seems to be "expected", new emotions, people, and circumstances come up, and being away for long periods is really difficult for many partners (http://forums.studentdoctor.net/threads/break-ups-in-medical-school.1124916/). That's only one example, and there have certainly been success stories on here (and always will be), so take it with a grain of salt. But keep in mind that everybody sometimes feels and does things that they (and their partners) initially thought was not something they'd feel/do, because circumstances change, as do people. It's difficult to work through situations and emotions when you aren't there to have a full interaction.

 

[AlmostAnMD]

MS3 currently. Been long distance for all three years, we dated for the two years prior to that. Its been really hard, but its definitely doable if you have the right partner. Here are the things that have worked for us:

1. First make sure this is a gal/guy you would marry down the road, otherwise the sacrifice is not worth it.
2. Have a definite end date in mind, after which you will be physically together. Residency is the obvious choice. Make a pact to move together to wherever residency will be. Explain you don't have complete control of the process.
   
3. Talk every night on the phone. Text during the day.
4. Visit each other every month during pre-clinical years (trade visits, who visits who). They will have to visit you on your rotations due to your work schedule, try to visit once each rotation during the clinical years. Share the travel cost equally.
   
5. Keep up with your partners family and friends. Remain part of their social circle so you stay connected.

I'm an exact clone of this poster, same rank, same time dating before, everything. agreed, hard but doable.

 

[Mad Jack]

Did it for nearly a full year now. It's doable if you can see each other at least once every two weeks or so.

 

[WhendoIstartfirstaid?]

Last summer I attended a wedding of two friends of mine. They had met and only dated one semester during a study abroad. They made long distance and communication work for two years with a huge timezone (day and night) and an ocean between them. If you want it to work, you can make it.

Oh and skype will soon be your favorite app. I wish you the best op.

 

[EthylMethylMan]

Thanks everyone for the replies. It means a lot; I've been struggling with this since November. I was in a long-distance relationship with a different girl for most of undergrad, so I've done this before, but I am fully aware that med school and undergrad are very different. (Oddly enough, though, the last relationship ended for a reason entirely separate from the distance thing, so I in general can cope with the distance.)

Also curious, do you think it is at all possible for someone to see their significant other twice a month (once having them visit, once leaving campus to visit them) and still be able to excel in their coursework?

1. Will she be able to come see you at all, or is it all on you to visit her?

2. Is there any chance she can move to where you are going to school any time soon?

3. What will happen when you get a residency and you likely have to move again?

4. Does she understand what your schedule will be like as an M3?

5. I think if you two talk very, very, openly about where you see the relationship going long-term, your expectations for who will visit who and how often, and when the long-distance period will be over, then you have a shot at making it work. Is she in medicine or a health field at all?

My phone is being a potato so I can't format this response as nicely as I'd like to. To answer your questions in order though:

1. She works so we can go back and forth luckily.

2. She's looking to transfer to a four-year program out of community college, and she's dropped hints that she's looked into schools near the med school I'll be attending. I told her not to pick a school just because it's near me, and she seems to agree with me on that. But it'd be nice if she were even just an hour away.

3. We've discussed marriage and moving in together, so I'd imagine she'd move with me in a heartbeat if it meant I'd have a paid position like a medical residency.

4. I don't think she does. She's only in the middle of undergrad now, and even at that I dont think she quite gets how hard med school is compared to undergrad. I'll definitely explain it to her though. I've only really spoken to her about the preclinical years so far.

5. She probably won't be. She's up in the air about what she wants to do, though clinical nutrition is something she's considering.

 

[Jrcomsto]

Thanks everyone for the replies. It means a lot; I've been struggling with this since November. I was in a long-distance relationship with a different girl for most of undergrad, so I've done this before, but I am fully aware that med school and undergrad are very different. (Oddly enough, though, the last relationship ended for a reason entirely separate from the distance thing, so I in general can cope with the distance.)

Also curious, do you think it is at all possible for someone to see their significant other twice a month (once having them visit, once leaving campus to visit them) and still be able to excel in their coursework?



My phone is being a potato so I can't format this response as nicely as I'd like to. To answer your questions in order though:

1. She works so we can go back and forth luckily.

2. She's looking to transfer to a four-year program out of community college, and she's dropped hints that she's looked into schools near the med school I'll be attending. I told her not to pick a school just because it's near me, and she seems to agree with me on that. But it'd be nice if she were even just an hour away.

3. We've discussed marriage and moving in together, so I'd imagine she'd move with me in a heartbeat if it meant I'd have a paid position like a medical residency.

4. I don't think she does. She's only in the middle of undergrad now, and even at that I dont think she quite gets how hard med school is compared to undergrad. I'll definitely explain it to her though. I've only really spoken to her about the preclinical years so far.

5. She probably won't be. She's up in the air about what she wants to do, though clinical nutrition is something she's considering.

It sounds like we are in a really similar situation with our SO's! Mine is hoping that he would be able to move with me in a couple of years (transferring from a CC), but we'll see. I'm having a hard time with this all still too -- I still have to make my final commitment to school, and one of the two schools I'm choosing from is in the same location as my SO. Ugh. But, it's a newer MD program and not nearly as established or reputable as the other school I'm considering (that's 6 hours away). Super confusing stuff. LDR support group anyone!? haha.

 

[Pacna]

I think the most important thing is to obviously (to her), clearly (to her) make an effort. That means you'll probably have to make a pretty damn big effort. If I know anything about how much lady friends (even wonderful ones who live with you and make life worthwhile in an otherwise sea of tedium-related misery) appreciate the workload, it's that they don't and they never will.
What I've found is pretty convincing: be willing to spend a normal (non-rushed!!) evening/date/etc with her, then when you part, mention that you're going to school or stay up and study wherever you are. She'll say "but it's like 10PM." Then you say "Damn I'd better get going, then. I wouldn't trade our time together for anything - even sleep!" And then you stay up all night and the next day. Study time + happy girlfriend!

You might find a more reasonable solution, or maybe she'll just be more reasonable than my partner, but the point is that you need to make it SUPER clear that you're 100% willing to work the extra time to maintain the relationship.

Alternatively, you could not procrastinate and stuff, but nobody does that.

 

[operaman]

Eh these things are so variable it's hard to give any truly good advice. I've seen plenty of relationships fall apart even in med school even when in the same town or married. I've seen others survive and even get married after doing 3 years of LDR during M1-M3.

If your relationship falls apart, it wasn't the distance.

One thing I would add to the good advice above: see if your school has any kind of support group for SOs of medical students, or has any kind of program during orientation for SOs/spouses. I think it would be worth her going to something like that simply to hear from other SOs what it's like. The difference in stress and workload compared to undergrad will be significant. You need her to hear from others in her shoes that your behavior is relatively normal for a medical student. She knows you're going to be working a lot harder, but she may not realize how much or how exhausted you will be at times. Probably best to troubleshoot this earlier than later.

 

[fancymylotus]

Impossibly difficult if both people are in school, significantly easier if one is not.

 

[J ROD]

Odds are it is a bad idea and fail. But, you never know until you try.

So, if she is worth the try, then give it a go. Just know your grades will probably suffer or you will have to give up something else like sleep. And 3rd year is a bitch for personal time.

 

[Jabbed]

I've had several classmates with long term relationships break up within the first few months of M1-- the majority of these weren't even in long distance relationships. The only LDR that's still together in my class involves an engaged couple, and the bride-to-be is getting some on the side. n=1, but it's a rough road to travel down and you better go in with a) complete intent on marriage or b) emotional preparedness for a breakup at the worst possible time (ie two days before block exams). Anything else will just **** you over emotionally or academically in the long run.

It's impossible to predict or understand your time constraints in medical school before getting there.

 

[TexasPhysician]

For it to work, you need 2 very dedicated people who are 100% sure of marriage in the future and self-confident enough to have faith in the other. This is VERY rare.

I failed twice.
When girlfriend #1 learned we were going to different med schools, I got dumped even after discussing marriage and basically getting her parents' permission.

Then I date girl #2 who gets into PA school elsewhere. I dumped her for someone closer.

Now I'm married and couldn't imagine being far away.

 

[Apoplexy__]

Best of luck with this, OP. And remember...

Don't side-B off the edge.

 

[Kelevra]

I've had several classmates with long term relationships break up within the first few months of M1-- the majority of these weren't even in long distance relationships. The only LDR that's still together in my class involves an engaged couple, and the bride-to-be is getting some on the side. n=1, but it's a rough road to travel down and you better go in with a) complete intent on marriage or b) emotional preparedness for a breakup at the worst possible time (ie two days before block exams). Anything else will just **** you over emotionally or academically in the long run.

It's impossible to predict or understand your time constraints in medical school before getting there.

Getting some on the side is such a common thing. Does the poor bastard have any idea? I'd assume not, but the amount of people who don't do anything about it is staggering.

 

[zeppelinpage4]

I have no personal experience in this, but I've seen many long distance relationships hold strong among my classmates, while I've also seen others break down. It depends very much on the individuals doing it, their goals, how understanding you guys are with each other etc.

These are variables we can't tell you. Maybe have an honest conversation with your girlfriend?

From what I can see, it is certainly possible (I know several classmates managing it)...but all my friends successfully doing it will say, it's hard. Just be honest with yourselves and do what's best for you both.

I've seen med students doing 3 hours apart break up. I've also seen med students living states apart from their significant others make it work. There's no general right or wrong answer basically. Will probably depend a lot on your relationship and the variables I mentioned above.

-2cents from someone who has never done it.

 

[*brobro*]

I've held a LDR for two years of med school now, although my circumstances are more favorable. We are both med students and our cities are only about 2 hours away from each other so we spend every weekend together and trade off who makes the trip each weekend. It has worked quite well and, honestly, we see each other more than some of my friends see their girlfriends who live in the same city. Also, she will be able to do her 3rd yr rotations in my city so we are moving in together in a month. Again, these are much more favorable circumstances so I'm not sure you can apply them to your situation.

I will say this: you should seriously evaluate your situation and make a decision quickly so you don't start MS1 with some half-assed lingering relationship that keeps you from fully putting yourself out there when you meet your new class. You will miss the initial rush of hook ups and probably friendships as well. When we started (and same for the class below us), everyone who was single started practically speed dating and looking for a match. I can think of at least 4 couples who began in early MS1 and are still doing just fine (one engaged actually). So, you don't want to miss the boat here if your class turns out to behave like mine.

 

[JP2740]

Not worth the trouble OP

 

[cbrons]

Anybody here have any experience with this? I'm starting MS1 in August and will be a 6-ish hour drive from my girlfriend. I'll be able to afford to see her once a month or so, but I'm worried about the workload pushing us apart. If anyone has stories to share or genreal advice it'd be appreciated.

How do you know you will be able to see her once a month? In med school you don't really have the opportunity to take entire weekends off for little vacations (except for first year, but there are students who cannot afford to even do that).

 

[karling]

It will suck, but it's better to get it over with now. It's probably what's best for both of you.

Terrible, terrible advice. It's better to try to make it work and fail than end the relationship without giving it a chance.

I started dating someone during my study abroad year. We both thought it had no chance of working, but we decided to try long distance anyway. We've been dating nearly seven years, and all but the first 6 months were almost halfway around the world. We're getting married in the summer.

For what it's worth, we talked once a week on Skype. We saw each other for about 2-3 months every year (on average, I'd visit her for about 6 weeks and she'd visit me for about 6 weeks). We've had next to no trouble with it.

Is long distance likely to work? Maybe not. But it can, and if I had taken your advice, I would've regretted not trying.

 

[tiedyeddog]

Last summer I attended a wedding of two friends of mine. They had met and only dated one semester during a study abroad. They made long distance and communication work for two years with a huge timezone (day and night) and an ocean between them. If you want it to work, you can make it.

Oh and skype will soon be your favorite app. I wish you the best op.

I would really worry about this being a compatible relationship once the two people actually lived together. I was in a long distance relationship for three years before we moved in together. We broke up in four months after moving in together due to not being able to stand each other while living in close proximity day-to-day. I have heard of this happening with other couples who haven't lived together before the long-distance part of the relationship starts.

 

[tiedyeddog]

I don't have any great advice. I had a LDR before medical school. Made it work by having hobbies to preoccupy my time and being totally open and honest with each other. I think insecurity about each other dooms many LDR so you have to be fairly secure in the relationship and yourselves for this to work.

 

[Dahling]

Eh look my belief is to just live in your present . If she makes you happy now don't waste time questioning hypothetically situations. Just prepare her for extended periods of absence by strengthening her trust and make lee feel confident that you won't stray. I'm at the very early stages of a long distance relationship and I am actually going to start medical school on his birthday. But I am confident in its future because he is a resident and we are doing great communicating under his very demanding schedule

 

[Dredge]

MS3 currently. Been long distance for all three years, we dated for the two years prior to that. Its been really hard, but its definitely doable if you have the right partner. Here are the things that have worked for us:

1. First make sure this is a gal/guy you would marry down the road, otherwise the sacrifice is not worth it.
2. Have a definite end date in mind, after which you will be physically together. Residency is the obvious choice. Make a pact to move together to wherever residency will be. Explain you don't have complete control of the process.
   
3. Talk every night on the phone. Text during the day.
4. Visit each other every month during pre-clinical years (trade visits, who visits who). They will have to visit you on your rotations due to your work schedule, try to visit once each rotation during the clinical years. Share the travel cost equally.
   
5. Keep up with your partners family and friends. Remain part of their social circle so you stay connected.

This. Especially 2. Mostly 2!

 

[Ej22]

Wow! So many negative comments on this. I totally agree that it depends on the couple and individual personality. Obviously it will be hard. BUT it is doable. I think there are a lot of positives to distance relationships. It keeps things exciting and the time you do have together will be more meaningful. I think it also makes couples closer in a way. I have done distance before. We did make a point to see each other every 2 weeks. He would fly to me once a month, and I would fly to him once a month (Atlanta to Boston). Time goes by SO fast. You will both be busy working/studying in school. She just needs to be understanding that when you do see each other you may need to study a bit - but the fact that you are still together in the same room and get to sleep together at night makes it all worth it. As I get older I see how fast time goes by, and how small the US is. It is easy to hop on a flight and see each other and make it work if you want to. You both have to be committed.

 

[Ej22]

If you both are very mature it can work. If she is likely to not be understanding and start little fights and need a lot of attention, then it is not going to work because you will not want to put up with that in medical school. I truly believe it can work if both individuals are mature, realistic, understanding, and committed.

 

[DrBodacious]

As a couple people mentioned, don't bother if you are not certain, "she is the one." You'll miss out on other social interactions, spending 1/4 weekends, and hours on the phone with you the LDR.

If you are just maintaing the relationship, because you still "like" her (or like having someone to hook up with), you are doing a disservice to yourself, and her.

It sounds like you are both very young, and with that in mind, there's a good chance the relationship won't last, anyway.

 

[kjj17]

agree with everyone else. it'll hurt to break up now when your relationship is still good, but it will be better in the long run. ONLY stay together if you want to get married. I did long distance this past year with SO and told him flat out that if we end up in med schools far away, I love him but I absolutely can't do it another 4 years, sorry. (thankfully it didn't come to that)

 

[winnie1234]

About to be in a similar position! How long have you and girlfriend been together? Boyfriend and I have lived together for the last 7 years (in some states we would be common law married by now), I will be attending an Occupational Therapy program on the opposite side of the country, he is not coming with me. The difference is that my program is 28 months (last 6 months are clinicals which I can hopefully do near him), so much shorter than Med School, (right?) but we are more like a 6 hour flight away, versus 6 hour drive. The program I was looking at (and ultimately turned down) in-state was a three hour drive, but even then there is no guarantee we would see each other every weekend, with work and school etc. I have heard of lots of people making it work. I have also heard that living together during this process has broken couples up-while one person is stressed out/so busy with school, the other feels ignored, perhaps it is better to plan for at least one long weekend a month you can really devote to each other (plan around exam weeks etc) and see how it goes. I feel like I can make it through this knowing that we have some time to look forward to each month or every other. Lots of skype and phone time. And to have the social support of friends and family will help. Its a hard choice to be apart, though, and I am losing so much sleep already worrying about missing him...such a huge sacrifice for my/our future!

 

[winnie1234]

(PS I know this is a Med School thread, not OTD thread, there was nothing similar posted under OTD forum and no one has yet to reply to my post in that forum)