Marrying A Surgeon?

[glamorous25]

Hello, I am thinking of marrying a person who is aspiring to be a cardio-thoracic surgeon. I am not in medicine myself and know only a little about residencies. My boyfriend will be starting fourth year of general surgery residency next year and I am wondering what his schedule will be like after he starts residency.

As of yet he is completing his research year and is looking to get back to residency next year. Please advise. I have read posts and replies on this forum and am anxious of the time hours (some members have mentioned) that surgeons put in at work. What will his lifestyle be like?...How shall I prepare myself mentally and physically if we do get married...????

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[jennie 21]

I can't answer you too specifically, as I'm only a second-year med student myself. You say your boyfriend is entering his fourth year of a general surgery residency; in that case, I'd assume that his schedule will probably be similar to what it's been for the first three years of his residency (excluding the research year, which was probably a lot easier). Were you together with him during the earlier years of his residency, or did you get together during his research year? If you were together during his residency, then you probably have a good idea of what it's going to be like. If not, I'd say talk to him; he has the best idea of what his schedule and life are going to be like during residency and he should be able to talk to you about what to expect. I'd say expect him to be very busy, and probably working a minimum of 80-90 hours a week. Technically, there is a work limit of 80 hours a week plus 10% overage for "educational time", i.e. a total of 88 hours a week, but that limit is rarely strictly enforced, especially in the surgical specialties. Expect him to be busy and tired, and continue to lead your own active and independent life so you won't be expecting or demanding too much from him in terms of time, attention, and entertainment. Try to arrange your schedule around his when you can so you're available to see him when he's available. That's all you really can do. The next couple of years while he completes his residency will be tough, but if you guys make it through that and you're still strong then you'll know you really have something. Good luck!

 

[Goofyone]

Don't expect it to stop after residency. I'm doing a rotation with a general surgeon right now and he was just talking today about how his wife is always complaining that she never sees him and when she does, he just wants to go to sleep.

Being a surgeon's wife is a sacrifice. You have to be able to accept not seeing him before you marry him.

I have all but decided against surgery even though I love it because having a family is important to me, and finding the rare gem of a woman who can actually make such a marriage work would be difficult to say the least.

Having said all that, with cardiothoracic your marriage will suck x2.

Sorry, just giving an honest opinion. 🙂

 

[glamorous25]

I met my boyfriend last year during his research year which he is completing. He will be resuming fourth year of residency next June. Concerns that I have: I am not a truly career-oriented person. I work my regular 9-5pm job and am very satisfied with my hours. I understand that I have to lead an active life because I will not see him much but understanding vs. living it will be very different. I guess I am just anxious....

 

[doglover]

I think if you know this going into it and are independent yourself, then you can make it work. Not that it won't be hard.

 

[phleebie]

interesting

 

[JAMMAN]

My best advice is....expect that it will be much harder than you anticipate.

As a medical student, I decided against surgery because I was worried that it would hurt my marriage. I explained to my wife how hard it would be on me, her and us. Well, my wife told me to do surgery and that she would be able to handle the lifestyle of a surgery resident. So, I went into general surgery. We got divorced during my second year.

In my residency program, about 50% of couples who were married when the residency started were divorced during residency. The single biggest factor was lonliness. Women in love need to be loved and surgery residents, fellows and attendings are often away from home.

If you realize that you will always be placed after his career and can tolerate his absence, your lonliness and the unpredictability of his schedule, then you will be able to make a better decision.

DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE BSIMPLY BECAUSE THEY ARE A SURGEON!

I know many women who have...and later regretted it.

 

[jeanne]

His wife is always complaining about how much she misses him, but all in all they seem to be making it work. It looks like it requires much sacrifice on both sides to work!

 

[smc927]

You should check out the forums at medical spouses, there is a link to it on the SDN homepage. They may have some interesting insight considering some of them have been in similar situations.

 

[utlonghorn50]

Hey boss, I think this is the forum you are talking about.

 

[uh-hu]

I met my boyfriend last year during his research year which he is completing. He will be resuming fourth year of residency next June. Concerns that I have: I am not a truly career-oriented person. I work my regular 9-5pm job and am very satisfied with my hours. I understand that I have to lead an active life because I will not see him much but understanding vs. living it will be very different. I guess I am just anxious....

Sorry, but for the sake of telling you the truth, I must strongly advise you to end this relationship; the sooner the better. You two simply do not share the same life-style and you will be putting yourself into abundant frustrations. You've only dated him a year, so it's not to late to end it. If your bf is seriously loving you, he should be thinking of something like dermatology or family practice where he could find lots more time to spend together with you and your prospective kids. Plus, there is the question of frequency of sexual relations. Can you bear having sex only once or twice a month? I know I can't; I need at the least 4-5 times a week. And that's just a national average. Think twice. Seriously.

 

[fourthyearmed]

If your bf is seriously loving you, he should be thinking of something like dermatology or family practice where he could find lots more time to spend together with you and your prospective kids.

As a medical student I absolutely HATE to hear someone say this and I hear it all the time! The career path that one chooses does not reflect on how much the physician loves their spouse. We work hard during medical school and residency. The only way someone can survive working this hard is if they are doing something they love to do. If my significant other wanted to do surgery I'd be behind them 100% because if they don't enjoy their job, they won't be happy at home either. I could never live with myself if I had convinced my SO to do Derm instead of Surgery because Derm seems like the most boring thing on earth to me. I chose Pediatrics because it was the 3rd year rotation I enjoyed the most and the only one I could see myself doing for another 30-40 years. Please never convince a medical student to choose a specialty they aren't 100% thrilled about doing because 40 hours a week doing Pathology may suck a whole lot more than 120 hours a week of Surgery. Their career choice is a personal choice, not a reflection of their love for their family. You don't want them to resent you 10 years down the line for making them choose FP or something else they don't enjoy. That's more likely to end in divorce in my opinion.

 

[Vacant]

Their career choice is a personal choice, not a reflection of their love for their family.QUOTE]


Exactly. And that's exactly the reason why the OP should also make a personal choice that will make HER happy where she will be not only told loved but actually loved by his presence and doing more things together. I don't think any non-physician females would dream about their romantic married life as spending time alone most of the week only to see her hubby come home tired and irritable. You would be ok to marry a super-busy surgeon. But not so for many other women.