So I am in a very committed relationship (2 yrs, will be 2.5 by the time I go to medical school). My SO has been extremely supportive and pushed me to pursue my dream even when I had huge doubts it would happen. He has been there for me through both my first application year and my reapp year and dealt with all the stresses/tears/doubts/fears that went along with it. He plans to relocate with me for school (after he graduates which would be after my first semester of medical school), but I was wondering if anyone had any tips to maintaining a healthy relationship while in medical school. I sometimes worry he doesn't realize the time commitment this will take on my end. Any tips?😕
Med School and Relationship Tips?
- Thread starter jadealer
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I'm sort of in the same situation you are (except it will be 3.5 yrs and I'm the boyfriend). I'm praying I get an acceptance letter from a particular school in the next couple weeks because this will allow us to live 2.5 hrs from each other (she's going to another grad school). I'm very committed to this relationship and could see it progressing to marriage as well I don't think without her I would have done as well as I have in college.
I'm really in the dark as to where things are going, so it adds another layer of stress to this whole process. I guess what I'm doing is just telling myself things will fall where they may.
I'm really in the dark as to where things are going, so it adds another layer of stress to this whole process. I guess what I'm doing is just telling myself things will fall where they may.
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Got accepted to the school my s/o of 4 years will be going to (she has a binding early acceptance). Thing is, I don't really want to go to that school.
lolwut. I feel your pain OP.
lolwut. I feel your pain OP.
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did you tell her you got in? haha
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I'm married and thus far have a great relationship with my spouse, despite the rigors of med school. It hasn't been totally easy--some days I've been really worn out and don't really want to deal with people, and sometimes the stress makes me less considerate than I would normally be. Fortunately, my husband did a lot of reading about med school before I started, and was very ready for the workload I was about to get into. It also helped that we survived his deployment to Iraq... nothing will ever be worse than having your spouse overseas.
What I would recommend is to have your spouse read up a little bit on the curriculum, and take a look at some books too (Intern Blues, Med School Confidential). It'll give him an idea of what you're going to deal with. Also, VERY VERY IMPORTANTLY, have a date night. I chose Friday night, since even on a test week, losing 2-3 hours on Friday night is still doable (I can always wake up earlier Saturday or Sunday to compensate). On date night I put away my books no matter what and just pay attention to my relationship. It's not like this is the only "together" time you'll have--some weeks are lighter than others--but having that protected evening guarantees that every week, no matter what, you take a minute to appreciate your SO.
If you have any other questions, please PM me. 🙂 I like to help.
What I would recommend is to have your spouse read up a little bit on the curriculum, and take a look at some books too (Intern Blues, Med School Confidential). It'll give him an idea of what you're going to deal with. Also, VERY VERY IMPORTANTLY, have a date night. I chose Friday night, since even on a test week, losing 2-3 hours on Friday night is still doable (I can always wake up earlier Saturday or Sunday to compensate). On date night I put away my books no matter what and just pay attention to my relationship. It's not like this is the only "together" time you'll have--some weeks are lighter than others--but having that protected evening guarantees that every week, no matter what, you take a minute to appreciate your SO.
If you have any other questions, please PM me. 🙂 I like to help.
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Yeah, I did. But I told her after the interview that I didn't get a good impression from the interview day. I mean it's a fantastic school (Vandy), but going there solely for her isn't a good enough reason IMO, especially when I didn't feel like it was "the place."
But who knows, we'll see how it shakes out. Anyway, best of luck OP. Tough decisions/long distance suck.
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I've been worried about this too. I have the opportunity to go to school in the same city as my SO! In fact, it's where I work now and is literally down the street from his apartment. Although I kind of feel that being that close will be more of a strain. That's because, we conceivably "could" spend time together more spontaneously bc I'm close, but I'll probably be too busy to, and that will lead me to constantly saying, "sorry, I can't tonight." Whereas, being one hour away at my other school choice, we can schedule our time together and I'll be more likely in the right mindset to have quality non-med school time. Does this even make sense? 😕
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1. skip lecture
2. use the time thus gained to learn more efficiently
3. take one 24-hour period/week as school free, and spend it w/ SO
4. win.
2. use the time thus gained to learn more efficiently
3. take one 24-hour period/week as school free, and spend it w/ SO
4. win.
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It's good to hear that so many other people are going through the same issues that I am. Boyfriend and I are going on three years together...it'll be 3.5 by the time I matriculate. He wants to follow me to medical school but he also wants a job immediately after graduation. He's already got several offers here in Minneapolis and it's really hard for him to turn those down in favor of a hypothetical job in one of any number of cities that I might end up in for medical school.
No way am I going to do a long-distance relationship for four years....it was hard enough when I was in London for 5 months this past spring. So if I choose to go to a med school out of state, and he stays at his job in Minneapolis....well, it's over. And that's a big decision to have on my shoulders.
Plus, if he does decide to follow me I basically am deciding on a city for the both of us to live in for four+ years. I'm good with decisions like that when I'm the only one affected, but when I'm changing Boyfriend's life as well? Ugh.
No way am I going to do a long-distance relationship for four years....it was hard enough when I was in London for 5 months this past spring. So if I choose to go to a med school out of state, and he stays at his job in Minneapolis....well, it's over. And that's a big decision to have on my shoulders.
Plus, if he does decide to follow me I basically am deciding on a city for the both of us to live in for four+ years. I'm good with decisions like that when I'm the only one affected, but when I'm changing Boyfriend's life as well? Ugh.
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I'm so excited about this thread because I have basically been freaking out over this for the last week or two. No matter what, the BF and I will be in different locations while I am in medical school (unless some wacky miracle happens.. and even then, he will still be at my current location for for my first year of medical school). We managed long-distance for over half a year before, with a good chunk of it with me not being sure we would ever live in the same region of the country ever again... but man, that was tough. I can't imagine doing that for 4 years but I can't imagine life without him either... I wish I could just be a stepford wife and not have dreams of being a doctor <sigh>
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yeah, distance is tough. ended a 3 year relationship, but i think ultimately, it was for the better anyway.
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I just don't want to marry anyone in the medical field. Too much of the same for me....
I feel your pain.. its such a huge responsibility in itself.. then adding the additional stress of my bf's happiness and wellbeing on top of it.. its intimidating. We are planning to visit any locations where I get accepted so he can have a voice in the decision too.
Yeah, I understand.. its just hard.. and I hope he understands that sometimes this will require more personal sacrifices than at other times.
I did a LD relationship over a summer before.. it didn't end well. I am very grateful to my SO for being willing to relocate for my dream and our relationship. I know it is not an easy decision for him. Thankfully he has lived in 10 different states over his life so he enjoys moving and if ready to leave our current location. Hopefully the fact that we're older (I'm late 20s and he is in his early 30s) will help us be more understanding and aware of the situation.
Thank you! That is an excellent idea! Also, i don't know what year you are, but if you're in your later education, what times did you feel were the hardest? Rotations? Year 1 and 2? Thanks!
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yea, my boyfriend of 2.5 years is a second year med student. luckily, his school is the one I've gotten into so far - so that bodes well for us. it is a little much though, looking at not just my debt but his, too, for example.
all along he's been telling me not to limit myself based on where he is, etc. but I really, really like his school (and apparently they liked me, too) so it might be where I end up. we're both really excited about that prospect - we live an hour apart now and see each other once a week (maybe twice if he comes to see me the night after a test or something) and we're talking about living together if we end up in the same city - MAJOR change! it's tough, looking at it from the perspective of the person NOT in school - and I'm sure it'll be tough when he's having long days at clerkships and I have my nose buried in a book all day and night. still, I hope it works and I'll give it my best shot.
my advice: make sure your significant other knows what you're getting into. my boyfriend didn't really let on about how hard it really is and how much work he really had to do until we hit a rough patch, I got kinda needy, and he just laid it all out on the table. I think if I had really known the magnitude of it all from the get-go, we would have been much better off.
okay, I've rambled enough. 😴
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unless she's debt free and REALLY loving haha
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That's great! I'm hoping that when my BF starts looking for jobs, he will be able to find one near wherever I attend medical school... but unfortunately, I know his career goals, and that will be putting him in probably arizona or texas but maybe the east coast (and east coast med schools don't seem to like me)... so I will just have to follow him when I get to residency. Weirdly, my career choice will allow for more relocation than his. 🙁
well, only if she looks like Katherine Heigl
and app-buddy! That's great regarding your BF and you attending the same medical school. Still can't imagine dating another pre-med gone to medical school (we're just too neurotic!)
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From experience:
1st and 2nd year will be fairly easy save for the 6 weeks devoted to Step I studying.
3rd year was a *****. Ain't gonna lie.
4th year has been easy so far. But the residency interviews has seriously put a toll on our relationship.
If you have any questions PM me.
1st and 2nd year will be fairly easy save for the 6 weeks devoted to Step I studying.
3rd year was a *****. Ain't gonna lie.
4th year has been easy so far. But the residency interviews has seriously put a toll on our relationship.
If you have any questions PM me.
Yeah I have also been really concerned about this. My SO is hesitant to enter a long distance relationship and has mentioned following me to wherever I end up. Unfortunately I could never ask him to do that. He runs a martial arts school in LA and is working on his stuntman/acting career. Moving out of Los Angeles, especially leaving the school he runs and his students, would be lifechanging. He has absolutely no insight into what medical school will be like. I am concerned I won't have enough time for him even if we do end up in the same area.....
ugh! so complicated. We try to avoid talking about it because it makes us sad.
ugh! so complicated. We try to avoid talking about it because it makes us sad.
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weirdness abound
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I'm sure training your girlfriend will work out nicely for you.
Are you working on "lay down" and "rollover" as well?
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WTF your relationship sounds pretty effed up, man. You're "training" her? I don't presume to understand your relationship, but doesn't that seem unbalanced for you? Are you like grooming her to be a trophy wife or something? The way you write about her seems like she's a force of nature or wild animal that must be tamed, not someone that you are in a loving relationship with.
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We all know what medical school entails and all our relationship are different. My gf of 5+ years and I moved across the country (Seattle to Philly) so I could get a masters and now we are soon to be faced with the prospect of doing it all over again for medical school. I told her that if she couldn't handle it, don't come with me and we will have to see what fate has in store for us.
What I have learned is that if your Significant Other knows what they are getting into then you are better off. You cannot lie to them and tell them you will have time for them when you know you won't, and lets face it, there won't be much free time in med school.
Long story short, knowing what she/I/we were getting into made it easier for both of us. If you have a good relationship then it will hopefully work but the stats do say that most relationships end in graduate school, so just keep that in mind.
What I have learned is that if your Significant Other knows what they are getting into then you are better off. You cannot lie to them and tell them you will have time for them when you know you won't, and lets face it, there won't be much free time in med school.
Long story short, knowing what she/I/we were getting into made it easier for both of us. If you have a good relationship then it will hopefully work but the stats do say that most relationships end in graduate school, so just keep that in mind.
You aren't in much of a relationship if you're not able to talk openly with your GF about how med school is going to strain your relationship. If you can't talk openly about potential relationship issues with her then the relationship is doomed to fail. Trying to behaviorally condition her is ******ed.
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mo relationships mo problems
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I'm gonna echo just about everyone on this thread and say how nice it is that people are going through the same thing as me. My boyfriend of 3 years is planning on relocating to wherever I end up for med school. (He doesn't really like his current job, so August seems like a as good of time as any for him to leave.) Luckily one of his best friends is a second year med student, so he has some idea of what it's like already. And plus he works in finance, so he might be putting in long nights at work as I'm studying my brains out. But I definitely like that date night idea; we'll have to do that.
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I am worried about something along the same lines, with my SO, who is also considering medical school very, very, very seriously. The odds of us ending up in the same medical school are slim, but even if it happens, I am worried about potential distracting factors. Living in the same apartment, while still not married, is quite different from living together in an apartment during a committed, long term relationship with a spouse--mainly that of a time factor difference.
Also, going to the same school, studying the same material, and etc...that's spending practically 24/7 completely together, but never in the typical fun way of actual dates. Not sure about anyone else, but that can start to grind at me over time.
Oh, and living apart but attending the same school was discussed between us and is really not much of an option--neither of us want it.
Is any medical student actually dating another medical student...and finding that seriously doable?
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No offense, but as long as you're not actually studying that entire "training" period, that is really practically lying to your gf. Why would you want to spend less time with her now (and not do something you like, instead of just "studying" the whole time, actually) to prepare her for a future of spending less time with her?
To me, that's kind of akin to those questions about "training" to need less sleep.
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you guys should be nicer to him
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If my bf had tried to "train" me I wold have dumped him so quick his head would have spun. My biggest advice is to be honest to your so. My bf just started medical school (across the country from our undergrad) and at first he didn't want to tell me how much stress it was ect. Idk maybe he was being macho or whatever but as soon as he actually admitted to me what was going on it helped.
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different strokes
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Except that's not what you said in the original post. At first, it sounded like you'd tell her you're studying when you're actually not just so she doesn't get time with you. This is not the same as what you just said because you are actually studying. If the latter is true, no one is going to argue with you. However, if the original post was true, then that's just wrong.
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opto is where its at
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A friend of mine dated an opto student at the same school, same year. It worked for about a year... then she started using her free time to hang with only her opto girls (and guys) at parties, dinners, and weekend vacays. Soon, she chose to devote ZERO time to him... texting only, including a break-up text.
If it's gonna end, better sooner than later, though. Right?
If it's gonna end, better sooner than later, though. Right?
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Dude, at this point you are digging yourself a hole. I get what you're trying to say--you're spending longer and longer chunks of time away from home so that when you get to med school your gf won't be like "where did you goooooo?"
The problem I see is this: You could be spending time with your gf, but instead you squirrel yourself away somewhere to get her used to your absence. It's almost like you don't have faith in her emotional stability. God forbid you spoil her with attention only to send her into spasms of withdrawal once you start medical school.
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So.... apparently this thread has been hijacked into an uninvited relationship counseling session for you, but I guess I feel like I need to chime in again and express how disturbed I am by how you view your relationship.
It's true that what you said originally differs from what you are seemingly saying now, but to tell you the truth, I don't know if it makes a difference.
The tone of what you're still saying is strange-- I don't know if it's healthy to think that you can "innoculate" your relationship against some perceived future problem. At the core, how much do you respect your SO? Is she a getaway for you from the boredom and horrors of your work? Or is she a partner with whom you share experiences and grow? I would venture to say that only the second type of relationship can survive the rigors of medical school, regardless of how well "trained" she is.
I don't know why you inquired about my own relationship, but my girlfriend is a PhD student in physics. We both know how busy we're going to be, and talk a lot about how to tackle the upcoming years together. I wouldn't try to "train" her, (jokingly or not)-- I am in a relationship with her because I am already confident of our ability to withstand stresses.
I don't think a relationship is a formula [innoculation + verbal reinforcement == happy girlfriend], and I think that you may be setting yourself up, or even worse, your girlfriend up for heartbreak should you think of her simply as a variable to manipulate in the system of equations that is your life.
To each their own, though, I guess. I just hope your girlfriend is happy and remains that way. The tone in which you describe her makes her seem kind of naive-- I hope you're honest with her so that it ends well!
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^ Let's just be happy this guy has a gf…..As for me, well im just enjoying women too much right now to settle on just one 😉. Im very picky when it comes to gf's and Ive only had a few but maybe med school will change that…..in the mean time however, no need to limit yourself. I change women like I change my socks…..sounds cocky as hell but w/e its so much fun!
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So now you're saying that your girlfriend can't conceptualize hard work because she is a liberal arts major? She won't know why you're gone all the time because she doesn't understand the concept of studying?
I'm sure you have a great relationship, and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that after all your posts here your foot is firmly in your mouth. But honestly, the way you talk about your girlfriend makes it sound like you treat her like a puppy. Do you keep her in a quiet room at home and leave her alone for progressively longer periods of time until she can stay home by herself without destroying the furniture and peeing everywhere?
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Original purpose of this thread = 👍
What it has been derailed to = 👎
All this extrapolating and defending will go nowhere. Focus, people.
What it has been derailed to = 👎
All this extrapolating and defending will go nowhere. Focus, people.
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I'm sure training your girlfriend will work out nicely for you.
Are you working on "lay down" and "rollover" as well?
This is the first thing I thought too. She's not an f-ing dog you know. Geez.
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are you sure?
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Let's just assume Frazier made a really, really poor choice of words, because I do in theory understand what he was trying to say in that post, it just all went downhill really quickly based on the demeaning way he chose to portray his girlfriend and her 'training'.
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Medical students date each other all the time. Been to three weddings this year for interns who met as MS-1's.
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The truth of the matter is LD relationships are hard, and they are not for everyone. If you or your so are the type to get jealous easily, or are very possessive, then LD is likely a no go.
My husband and I have been together since we were 15, and we grew up in different countries ( me= US, him = Austria). We spent the first several years of our relationship an ocean apart, seeing each other at most about 2 months total per year. We've been married over 6 years now and living together for about 8, but he will not be able to follow me to Miami (med school) until I am MS2.
There is no simple answer to help with these situations because each relationship is like a new invention for which no one on the outside has the blueprints. Just know that trust is very important in LD relationships, as well as the ability of both of you to be independent. Being together should make things easier and more fulfilling. Too many times I see people together and wonder why in the world they choose to live in such a poisonous relationship environment, but to each his own I guess.
Good luck to all of you in this situation. It's not an easy one.
My husband and I have been together since we were 15, and we grew up in different countries ( me= US, him = Austria). We spent the first several years of our relationship an ocean apart, seeing each other at most about 2 months total per year. We've been married over 6 years now and living together for about 8, but he will not be able to follow me to Miami (med school) until I am MS2.
There is no simple answer to help with these situations because each relationship is like a new invention for which no one on the outside has the blueprints. Just know that trust is very important in LD relationships, as well as the ability of both of you to be independent. Being together should make things easier and more fulfilling. Too many times I see people together and wonder why in the world they choose to live in such a poisonous relationship environment, but to each his own I guess.
Good luck to all of you in this situation. It's not an easy one.
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sorry i am still newbie here
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Wee!
I think (hope?) Frazier just can't articulate himself because it makes his relationship and his opinion of his girl pretty eff'ed, IMO. I spent enough time deep in study mode during my MCAT prep for my husband to get an ample taste of how much I will need him to pick up my slack for days before tests and during preparation for Step 1 and such. Thankfully, he has been nothing but encouraging and supportive. I'm sure it doesn't hurt that one day he'd like to work from home as a freelancer (though his current employer may be making the move to everyone working from home and a virtual office space soon anyway) so me reaching my goal will make his much more possible in the future. We also like the thought that he will be home when the kids get home from school.
Compromises and sacrifices have to be made on both sides. It is not just about how hard it is going to be on your significant other. Case in point, right now, my husband is the primary breadwinner for our family (I only work part-time and he'd make more money even if we were both full-time). He works hard at his job to provide for us, and I currently take more responsibility at home. While we both clean, cook, take care of our daughter and dog, etc., I take the majority of it right now, or at least take the more time-intensive chores most of the time. We both fully understand that this will shift when I am in medical school, especially during my third year rotations.
My school choices were made with us all in mind as well. I originally planned to apply from New York, possibly even New England, down to Washington, DC, possibly even Virginia. However, the hubster spent over a year looking for a better job and when he finally landed it in April, it was too good to pass up. He has been doing very well and there is likely room for lots of advancement, so I decided to limit myself to just applying to the schools in Philadelphia. My success on the MCAT made this a lot less scary, but it's still a risk to only apply to a handful of schools. I know this is not a possibility for a lot of people, and we're very fortunate to live in a city with a pretty high medical school concentration. 🙂
I also cannot stress the importance of date night enough. That is another reason we wanted to stay in Philadelphia. My mother, sister and our friends have offered to watch our daughter while we get a few hours to go out and just be a couple. It really helps.
I think (hope?) Frazier just can't articulate himself because it makes his relationship and his opinion of his girl pretty eff'ed, IMO. I spent enough time deep in study mode during my MCAT prep for my husband to get an ample taste of how much I will need him to pick up my slack for days before tests and during preparation for Step 1 and such. Thankfully, he has been nothing but encouraging and supportive. I'm sure it doesn't hurt that one day he'd like to work from home as a freelancer (though his current employer may be making the move to everyone working from home and a virtual office space soon anyway) so me reaching my goal will make his much more possible in the future. We also like the thought that he will be home when the kids get home from school.
Compromises and sacrifices have to be made on both sides. It is not just about how hard it is going to be on your significant other. Case in point, right now, my husband is the primary breadwinner for our family (I only work part-time and he'd make more money even if we were both full-time). He works hard at his job to provide for us, and I currently take more responsibility at home. While we both clean, cook, take care of our daughter and dog, etc., I take the majority of it right now, or at least take the more time-intensive chores most of the time. We both fully understand that this will shift when I am in medical school, especially during my third year rotations.
My school choices were made with us all in mind as well. I originally planned to apply from New York, possibly even New England, down to Washington, DC, possibly even Virginia. However, the hubster spent over a year looking for a better job and when he finally landed it in April, it was too good to pass up. He has been doing very well and there is likely room for lots of advancement, so I decided to limit myself to just applying to the schools in Philadelphia. My success on the MCAT made this a lot less scary, but it's still a risk to only apply to a handful of schools. I know this is not a possibility for a lot of people, and we're very fortunate to live in a city with a pretty high medical school concentration. 🙂
I also cannot stress the importance of date night enough. That is another reason we wanted to stay in Philadelphia. My mother, sister and our friends have offered to watch our daughter while we get a few hours to go out and just be a couple. It really helps.
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- 4,826
- Reaction score
- 2,712
SDN is entertaining 2nite
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