Med School Moms?

[emtp6811]

After 7 years of marriage I think I might be ready to start our family. I am currently in undergrad while my husband works full time. Our original plan was that we would wait until I was done with med school and into residency, then start our family and adopt a few as well. That way, he could be the stay at home mom while I work. By then, I will be 34.

On the other hand, if we start our family now, my husband will not be able to stay home with the kids. And unless I get accepted into U. of Utah, we will have no support system to lean on. Even then, it will be minimal. To sum it up, I'm a bit scared.

So I would like some advice from those that have been there done that. If you could do it over again, would you wait? What were your biggest challenges? What were the resources you could not have done it without? What do you wish you had known before embarking on that journey, that you would be willing to impart to me now?

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[Wifty]

I think its awesome to have someone be able to stay at home with children.....at least during that first year.

However, I have friends that had children during med school and put the children right into daycare or hired nannies. It comes down to what is important to you and what you find acceptable.

I didn't have our daughter until I was 33 and I think it was a great age to have children. So, if you have to wait, you will still be young and healthy and might actually have some bonus personality traits to offer a child.

It can be done both ways, and only you can really decide.

If I was in your position and knowing what I know from the viewpoint of an interns wife who has lots of friends that have done it both ways (during school or waited), I would wait until hubby could be home with our young one, knowing that 34 is not too old to have children.

Good luck with your choice!! Its not easy!
with smiles,
rebecca

 

[momtwo]

I think its awesome to have someone be able to stay at home with children.....at least during that first year.

However, I have friends that had children during med school and put the children right into daycare or hired nannies. It comes down to what is important to you and what you find acceptable.

I didn't have our daughter until I was 33 and I think it was a great age to have children. So, if you have to wait, you will still be young and healthy and might actually have some bonus personality traits to offer a child.

It can be done both ways, and only you can really decide.

I have been a nanny for about 10 years. The Mom in my current family is a doctor - the other Moms I've worked for were all high level professionals also. I've had a tremendous amount of heart to heart conversation with these Mom's - some young and some older- regarding their parent/career/schooling choices.

I had my children very young and now my oldest daughter (married 3 years and wanting children) is a Physician Assistant but wondering also about career/children and when is the right time? My other daughter is about to embark on medical school. This topic is on my mind a lot - listening to the Mom's I work for and thinking about my daughters and their lives.

I agree it can be done both ways. A lot has to do with your husbands earning potential and what quality of childcare could you provide financially for the children while you are in medical school? It also has to do with just how able are you to realize that the situation is temporary(your lack of sleep etc) and that children are resiliant? When wanted, loved, and cherished children can thrive in most any one of the childcare scenarios - and you being in medical school would only be a (small really!!) part of their life not the whole thing. Daycare, a good nanny, parent at home, busy Mom - all of those things CAN work just fine. I think the bigger picture comes from the life the child(ren) will have AFTER your medical school when you are practicing and they are at ages where they can realize things around them more. That is what they'll remember and that is what they'll base their own decisions on. As for you as long as you do your best everyday for any child you have. As long as you want them with all your heart and soul.....you'll have no regrets no matter which decision you make.

 

[emtp6811]

Thank you both for your words of advice, and if anyone else out there has some input I would like to hear from all viewpoints.

As far as my husbands earning potential, who knows. We will have to move out of state for me to attend medical school. If he is able to transfer within his position at UPS then his earning potential is ok (~17$/hr). If not, then he will have to find a new job and we'll wing it from there.

Having a parent at home to raise the kids has always been a priority for us. I was raised without that benefit, and my husband was raised with. Furthermore, we intend to have a relatively large family (4-6 kids) and are looking at adoption after med school.

I read on another forum that someone found that it was actually better for them to have neither parent work because the cost of childcare outweighed the income potential of the medschool spouse, so they took out more private loans to cover the difference. Another family had resorted to that and applied for welfare. Not that these would be the plan for us, but I always think it is good to know all your options. Anyone have experience with either of these situations, with nobody working? Or the medschool spouse only working part-time?

 

[MathisGreen]

*removed By Poster*

 

[emtp6811]

Thanks for your input. I hadn't thought about a nanny because I assumed they were expensive... not exactly fitting for a med school budget.

We talked about it in depth over a couple weeks, and we have decided that for now we will not try to have any children until MS4 or PGY-1. That way, at least my husband can be home with them while I am at work. We have also talked extensively about adopting, but again that would wait until the same time frame.

Thanks for the input, and I will keep this thread in my subscriptions in case anyone else has some input or comments.

 

[mshheaddoc]

If you check out the women in healthcare forum in my signature this has been discussed over there!

 

[momtwo]

Thanks for your input. I hadn't thought about a nanny because I assumed they were expensive... not exactly fitting for a med school budget.

We talked about it in depth over a couple weeks, and we have decided that for now we will not try to have any children until MS4 or PGY-1. That way, at least my husband can be home with them while I am at work. We have also talked extensively about adopting, but again that would wait until the same time frame.

Thanks for the input, and I will keep this thread in my subscriptions in case anyone else has some input or comments.

Good Luck to you. Your children will be so much better off with a good thought-out plan in place for their care! Keep us posted!

 

[Crookshanks]

Well, I can't believe nobody mentioned it, but there's a forum called MomMD that you should check out. www.mommd.com

However, the page has been having some difficulty recently, so you might have to check it again later.

I'm 22, and I have a 2 year old, and I want a BIG family (I'm Catholic ). I also want to go to med school. I just talked with my boyfriend last night (he's baby's dad) and even though I've always told him that I wanted to be at home a LOT, either be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM), or at least a teacher with holidays and summers off to be with the children...that I changed my mind. I can't afford to be a SAHM, so that's not an option, and besides, I need intellectual stimulation. And I just don't feel the passion I should for being a teacher. If I'm going to HAVE to be out of the house working, this work, which is what will take away time from my family and consume most of my adult years, SHOULD be something I truly love and feel passionate about. I hate the idea of long hours and little family time, but truthfully, I'm going to have to work no matter what, and the only time in medicine that things are ABSOLUTLY crazy is residency (80+ hours a week for at least 3 years). Med school and practicing medicine are full-time jobs like any other. So, WHY NOT?

As to when I plan on having my "BIG" family....either one works. Med school is certainly an option. Residency not so much, but afterwards it's okay.

I think daycare is great for children, my little one LOVES her "school" as she calls it, they learn so much....

I'm not a "nanny" person, I tried that and it didn't work for me....but it might for you.

Someone said "children are resiliant" and "wanted, loved, and cherished children can thrive in most any one of the childcare scenarios" and I think it's important to keep that in mind. You must give them all the love in the world, and you can certainly do that even if you're not THERE 24-7.

That said, I think a support system is SOOOO important. I haven't dealt with older children, mine is almost 3, but as a baby, and me being a new mom, I needed so much help. I don't think I'm the type that could have made it on their own. I'm glad my child will be older (thus a bit less dependant on mommy) when (and if) I start med school. So, having them before med school, in my opinion, is okay, but maybe having them during without a support system is rough. Your hubby might not be a village, but he's still someone who can help out a lot...I guess it depends how much he works and how helpful he is. Does he cook? Does he help out around the house? Or are you in a situation where you always do those things? Take that into consideration as well.

I hope some of what I said might be useful to someone. Remember, check out www.mommd.com and look for the discussion forums.

~Julie

 

[emtp6811]

I will definitely have to check out mommd. Thank you for the reference.

I appreciate your comments about wanting a big family, as my husband and I do too. We have always thought 5-6 kids would be perfect, but with the med school plans we are afraid we will have to pare it down to 2 maybe 3. However, we have been talking extensively about adoption as an option. Either way, we have a family support system now while I am a pre-med as both of our families live in the same city, but there is no med school and only one FP residency in my state (and I'm not so sure FP is the way I want to go yet). The only place where I would have even a minor family support is if I got accepted into U. Utah. My family in california is all nuts and not worthy of being entrusted with my kids. We have family nowhere else, so we would have to create our own new support network of friends.

This was one major factors in the "now vs. wait" debate. If we have kids now, at least one will be into pre-school by the time we head into med school. And until then we have parents and siblings we could rely on for help. But if we do that, and David is not able to transfer with his company when we move, we will be screwed, and I prefer to be a bit more stable when we have a family.

We have been talking about David transferring with his company, but into a part-time position that would take place from 4-8 AM, then augmenting the rest of his income with loans. That way he could be home with the kiddos while I am in school. But I am not sure that would even be feasible considering the amount of loans were are looking at having to take out anyway just for med school. Has anyone out there done this or heard of this? Any advice or insight here?

As for David, he is extremely excited at the prospect of being a stay-at-home Dad and he would be excellent at it. He doesn't cook very much, but wants to learn. He loves doing housework and yardwork [can we say "FREAK!"]. Even without a family I rarely have to lift a finger at home. He's awesome, what else can I say?

 

[Answers]

I am also from Utah, but am now living away from Utah while my husband is attending medical school. I stay at home with my daughter that we had at the beginning of his M1. We also hope to have a second before residency. I also have a lot of friends in the same boat. I guess why I decided to write is to let you know that having both parents not work does work. Granted we live on a tighter budget than some, but it is really not that bad. One thing that has helped us out is that it is relatively easy to get research fellowships here and there that pay out around $1500-4000. It has been good because then we have a little money coming in now and again, and at the same time my hubby is boosting his Curriculum Vitae by adding the research and research fellowships to it. My husband has said that he is so glad that we had our little girl when we did, since it makes all the difference, after a long day of study, to come home to a little person who loves you so much. Granted, you need to have children when you feel inspired to have them; I believe in that whole heartedly. I just wanted you to know that it could work out for you, at least financially. If you have any questions feel free to ask! Goodluck

 

[Answers]

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[emtp6811]

Thank you Thank you Thank you Answers. This is just the type of thing we have been trying to find out about. Any details you can provide about how you are making ends meet would be greatly appreciated.

Are you able to simply live off of the financial aid loans, so that research is just extra spending money for visiting home or something?

Are you taking advantage of welfare or subsidized housing?

David has been thinking about providing daycare for the other med school families. Anybody else tried this? Financially feasible or not worth it?

 

[Answers]

I am glad to answer any questions you have, so I'll try to cover everything that I think is important. We live in an apartment complex that has many Utah couples in it (since the med. school my hubby attends loves students from Utah), so I will share with you what all of us are doing to make it so we can have kids during medical school.
I think all of our friends have had to take out some private loans on top of the federal loans. Because of my husband's research fellowships, we have only taken out private loans once in the two years we have been out here. We mostly have used the research fellowships for necessities and the extra we have put into savings. We have a little lump of money in savings right now. If any of it is left by 4th year, we plan on using it for residency interview flights. The money that is 'extra,' that we actually have a little fun with, is the money that we get for holidays/birthdays from family. We have bought some of our tickets home, but our parent's have also payed for some of our flights, too.
We have to live on a pretty tight budget, but it is a refining experience. As a family, you learn to shop cheap. You learn to homecook, since you seldom can afford to eat out. Then, when you do get to eat out, it's extra exciting. We do get to buy some fun things, to keep us sane during the craziness. We get zoo passes, football season tickets (with our school you can sell some of the games and actually make a profit), passes to kids' science museums, etc. So we actually even have fun. Of course, my hubby doesn't get to enjoy some of those things as frequently as my daughter and I do (besides the football tickets).
We, along with almost all of our friends out here, are on Medicaid, with the medical student getting covered by school insurance instead. Some of our friends have also been on WIC, and there are also regional programs that can help cut the cost of your phone bill, etc. We do live in government subsidized apartments. They are really nice and we pay $550.00 for our apartment that has 2 bedrooms and 2 baths. It takes the edge off of the housing cost to make it very affordable. I have to admit that I was really not happy in the beginning about participating in 'welfare programs.' It hurt my pride and embarassed me. But now, I can not describe how grateful I am for these programs. They allowed us to be able to have our beautiful, healthy daughter when we felt like we needed to. I felt relieved when one of our friends told us that a medicaid person said that it was people just like us that medicaid was made for; it is for people who are diligently working on getting to the point where they can not only be independent, but also highly contributing members of society. There is no shame in using welfare programs for the right reasons, and beginning a beautiful family is at the top of the list.
As for the daycare thing being worthwhile, it depends. There definitely are many opportunities to watch kids. There are a ton of people who have found that they really like caretakers from Utah. I have had some people I know do it to bring in a little extra cash, but most people don't worry about it. I guess it is just hard to make sure that you are payed well enough for the energy and time you put into it, without mentioning the costs for damage that can be done to your house and the extra food you buy to feed the extra kids. I think it could be profitable, but you would just have to set it up wisely. I guess most of us also figure that making a doctor's salary in the end should cover the extra debt you have to go into to have a family, at least we're praying so !!!
Some programs are cheaper than others, which definitely helps. Look into and apply to the schools that give in-state tuition after the first year. That helps cut down the debt by thousands and thousands. Also, don't be shy to apply for scholarships, especially since there are many female specific scholarships out there. If you turn in your financial aid application early, you usually can get need-based scholarships, too. Getting those scholarships can save you thousands of dollars in the long run, as well.
Sorry this has been so long! I just want you to know all your options. I guess the moral of this reply is 'it is hard, but it is definitely worth it.' If you have any other specific questions, feel free to ask!