Med Students and Getting Married

[meister]

I was wondering if any married medical students could give some advice about balancing a new marriage and medical school. Luckily, this year my schedule has been very light so we have gotten to spend alot of quality time together

A thousand times this. Treat this year like it's your last on Earth. Go on vacation whenever possible. Take a billion photos. Get drunk a lot. Have sex on the beach. You know, all that kind of stuff. It's a whole different ballgame once school starts. And it gets infinitely harder if she works a lot, and harder than that if you start having kids.

That's the other thing, you definitely need to come up with a plan regarding children to be on the same page. I don't know how well informed your spouse is, but she needs to know what's in store for her. And you guys need to agree on when to start a family. No other issue can be as contentious as preventing a woman from starting a family when she wants to. HAVE A PLAN AND STICK TO IT FOR GOD'S SAKE

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[sprinkibrio]

Couples matching puts you wherever you want. It can be the same city or the same hospital or just the same state or general area. Totally depends on how you and the person you're coupling with orders it. All it does is makes sure you both match to the exact same preference number. Eg. if the highest rank that you can both get is your 5th choice then you both go there. This explains it pretty well: http://www.nrmp.org/res_match/special_part/us_seniors/couples.html

So its not like you say couples match and the program intelligently puts you in the same city - it all depends on the number preference and you have to make your lists match up in choice order to make it work.

I thought the best explanation was what someone in another thread said: you could technically couples match with your worst enemy to be sure you end up on opposite ends of the country. You would just make sure your number 1 and his number 1 are on opposite coasts, same with 2, 3, etc.

I don't think very many people understand how the match in general works let alone how couples match works.

I guess it looked like I didn't know how it works... but I do.

 

[Textuality]

I'm an MSI and planning a wedding for this summer. We've been together for 4 years, but we're also pretty young (I'm 21 and he's 25). Many of his older friends (27-30) have gotten engaged after a year, so I think the relationship time line is a little relative to how old you are. I think 2 years sounds perfectly reasonable though.

And I'd bring it up. My fiance and I definitely talked about it, at first jokingly, and then a little more seriously. But he says it helped to know that if he did ask, I'd most likely say yes, which is a concern for them! Nobody wants to spend that much money on a ring and have the girl say no. Even though we did joke and talk about it, ,he always understood that it was in no way an ultimatum, it was just me being a bit girly and excited about our relationship. I made it clear that there was no actual pressure nor was I expecting him to propose, I just wanted fuel for my daydreaming

Oh, and for those wondering why people need 100+ people weddings? Well, my fiance's IMMEDIATE family is 20 people alone, and if you invited one aunt or uncle, you have to invite the other 40 to keep the peace...and that's just a very small part of his very big catholic family. Not including anyone in my family, or any of our friends, lol. If I had my way, we'd be eloping in Vegas...but between the Catholic thing and the giant family thing, that's just not going to happen, lol.

At least wedding planning is a fun way to procrastinate

 

[JeffLebowski]

I'm an MSI and planning a wedding for this summer. We've been together for 4 years, but we're also pretty young (I'm 21 and he's 25). Many of his older friends (27-30) have gotten engaged after a year, so I think the relationship time line is a little relative to how old you are. I think 2 years sounds perfectly reasonable though.

And I'd bring it up. My fiance and I definitely talked about it, at first jokingly, and then a little more seriously. But he says it helped to know that if he did ask, I'd most likely say yes, which is a concern for them! Nobody wants to spend that much money on a ring and have the girl say no. Even though we did joke and talk about it, ,he always understood that it was in no way an ultimatum, it was just me being a bit girly and excited about our relationship. I made it clear that there was no actual pressure nor was I expecting him to propose, I just wanted fuel for my daydreaming

Oh, and for those wondering why people need 100+ people weddings? Well, my fiance's IMMEDIATE family is 20 people alone, and if you invited one aunt or uncle, you have to invite the other 40 to keep the peace...and that's just a very small part of his very big catholic family. Not including anyone in my family, or any of our friends, lol. If I had my way, we'd be eloping in Vegas...but between the Catholic thing and the giant family thing, that's just not going to happen, lol.

At least wedding planning is a fun way to procrastinate

Nice try.

 

[CuddyMD]

 

[pasdechat28]

A thousand times this. Treat this year like it's your last on Earth. Go on vacation whenever possible. Take a billion photos. Get drunk a lot. Have sex on the beach. You know, all that kind of stuff. It's a whole different ballgame once school starts. And it gets infinitely harder if she works a lot, and harder than that if you start having kids.

That's the other thing, you definitely need to come up with a plan regarding children to be on the same page. I don't know how well informed your spouse is, but she needs to know what's in store for her. And you guys need to agree on when to start a family. No other issue can be as contentious as preventing a woman from starting a family when she wants to. HAVE A PLAN AND STICK TO IT FOR GOD'S SAKE

Thanks for the suggestions. We will definitely try to smash in as much fun in one year as is possible. And yes, the when to have kids issue is definitely a tricky one for us--especially because I am the woman and the one who will be the med student. Niether of us is ready right now, I think we both want some years just to ourselves, but the difficulty comes regarding timing. Is it better to be pregnant and raise kids while your in medical school or residency? Are most programs generally accepting of this? These are questions I hope to find answers to at some point.

 

[Textuality]

Nice try.

Haha, it was during my application year, and I was in desperate need of happy thoughts/pleasant day dreams, lol.

Luckily for me my fiance has gotten used to my quirkiness and just thought my sudden planning of an imaginary wedding was cute... He's a really special guy

 

[DrBubbles]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1362#comic

That's hiLARious!

 

[meister]

Thanks for the suggestions. We will definitely try to smash in as much fun in one year as is possible. And yes, the when to have kids issue is definitely a tricky one for us--especially because I am the woman and the one who will be the med student. Niether of us is ready right now, I think we both want some years just to ourselves, but the difficulty comes regarding timing. Is it better to be pregnant and raise kids while your in medical school or residency? Are most programs generally accepting of this? These are questions I hope to find answers to at some point.

Ack! I just assumed you were a guy, sorry! To be quite honest I have no idea, presumably it would only be harder as a woman to do medical school or residency with children. The big difference is that in medical school you are pretty much on your own, but in residency you are part of a team. If you have children in residency and take maternity leave a lot of your fellow residents have to "pick up the slack," so to speak. Ie in a small program do things like q2 call or something. They cannot legally prevent you from taking maternity leave, but it is something to keep in mind. I have heard of numerous women having children in both medical school and residency, however. The big requirement is a very supportive and understanding spouse and if possible a good family support network.

If I were you I would think about having children either during M1, M2 or M4 year. I would avoid M3 year like the plague and definitely PGY1 is out of the question, since during internship you can work 80 hours per week and sometimes more. So either have them M1, M2, or M4 or wait until PGY2 or PGY3. That is what my thinking pretty much is. As a lowly M1, all I can tell you for sure is that I think it's definitely possible to have a newborn during this year, but that's coming from a guy so take it for what it's worth.

Sorry if I'm being too negative but the bottom line is that if you want it bad enough, then anything's possible. I have heard of interns being pregnant.

 

[pasdechat28]

Ack! I just assumed you were a guy, sorry! To be quite honest I have no idea, presumably it would only be harder as a woman to do medical school or residency with children. The big difference is that in medical school you are pretty much on your own, but in residency you are part of a team. If you have children in residency and take maternity leave a lot of your fellow residents have to "pick up the slack," so to speak. Ie in a small program do things like q2 call or something. They cannot legally prevent you from taking maternity leave, but it is something to keep in mind. I have heard of numerous women having children in both medical school and residency, however. The big requirement is a very supportive and understanding spouse and if possible a good family support network.

If I were you I would think about having children either during M1, M2 or M4 year. I would avoid M3 year like the plague and definitely PGY1 is out of the question, since during internship you can work 80 hours per week and sometimes more. So either have them M1, M2, or M4 or wait until PGY2 or PGY3. That is what my thinking pretty much is. As a lowly M1, all I can tell you for sure is that I think it's definitely possible to have a newborn during this year, but that's coming from a guy so take it for what it's worth.

Sorry if I'm being too negative but the bottom line is that if you want it bad enough, then anything's possible. I have heard of interns being pregnant.

Haha, no worries, I am not insulted. Thanks for the insight--much appreciated. Sometimes I feel a tad anal trying to plan all of this before I am even accepted to med school...but hey, better to be prepared, right?

 

[Guanaca85]

I'm glad this thread got started. I am currently engaged as of May and we're really debating whether to get married before I start MSI next year. But all that depends on whether we'll really be able to afford it before then. However I also worry about whether I'll have enough time during medical school to plan a wedding.

For those of you who got married during medical school, how hard was it to juggle studying for exams and planning a wedding? Also when did y'all get married (what time of year and MS year)?

 

[Textuality]

For those of you who got married during medical school, how hard was it to juggle studying for exams and planning a wedding? Also when did y'all get married (what time of year and MS year)?

I'm planning my wedding right now as an MSI for Aug 2009 (got engaged March 2008). It's definitely doable, especially because you have the summer before school to get a lot of planning done. It's a little different for me because my family is in China so I'm trying to plan the wedding in his hometown, hopefully you'll have family members to help you do some of the leg work. But it's totally doable. I already have my dress, invitations, favors, and major vendors picked out (the internet will be a best friend!). I've actually found that wedding planning is a great way to spend my study breaks and help me relax

I will say though, that it's a little odd to be planning it without talking about the plans to anyone. I just started as an MSI in a new city so I'm just getting to know people, and most of the girls I know are older than me and single, and I feel awkward talking about the wedding with them, so I'm a little sad that there's no one here to be excited with.

 

[CorazonDoc]

I can't seem to find an appropriate thread on sdn that addresses my question, so I thought I'd post one. And if this belongs in another thread, please feel free to move it.

For med students who are unmarried but in a relationship when they start school, when are they most likely to get engaged, or get married? Do most men propose during third or fourth year? Or is there really much of a correlation between class year and relationship progression?

(My current situation: we started dating while we were applying, go to the same med school, and are currently MSIIs.)

So I was in a similar situation. Dating before med school, got into same med school. I proposed summer between year 1 and 2. Much of wedding planning happened over the course of year 2. The best options for reasonable wedding dates for us seemed either just after Step I exam, during winter break year 3, take some elective time off at some point during year 3, or wait until near the end of year 4. We chose to take some elective time off during year 3 for the wedding which I think was a good decision. It gave us time before and after the wedding, which looking back I appreciate so much now.

I know that it has been said a few times, but I agree that there isn't a "best way" to progress a relationship in med school. I have now been to med student weddings that include 2nd year during winter break, 3rd year during winter break, summer between year 3 and 4, end of 4th year, and random weekend between 3rd year rotations.

 

[DrBubbles]

So I was in a similar situation. Dating before med school, got into same med school. I proposed summer between year 1 and 2. Much of wedding planning happened over the course of year 2. The best options for reasonable wedding dates for us seemed either just after Step I exam, during winter break year 3, take some elective time off at some point during year 3, or wait until near the end of year 4. We chose to take some elective time off during year 3 for the wedding which I think was a good decision. It gave us time before and after the wedding, which looking back I appreciate so much now.

I know that it has been said a few times, but I agree that there isn't a "best way" to progress a relationship in med school. I have now been to med student weddings that include 2nd year during winter break, 3rd year during winter break, summer between year 3 and 4, end of 4th year, and random weekend between 3rd year rotations.

Thanks so much for your response. The recent development now is that we want to live in different places when we're all done. So we're sort of at an impass right now, and I don't know if we'll choose to compromise or not. So I guess marriage isn't really on the table for discussion anymore at this point.

 

[cutekittypi]

Thanks so much for your response. The recent development now is that we want to live in different places when we're all done. So we're sort of at an impass right now, and I don't know if we'll choose to compromise or not. So I guess marriage isn't really on the table for discussion anymore at this point.

Awww, I'm sorry to hear about that, I hope everything works out for yall in the end