Meddling Father-In-Law

[C8H10N4O2Addict]

I have an odd situation, and I would like your input. (Plus, maybe this will entertain you if you are bored.)

So, my father-in-law really wants us to live close to him. (This is a horrible reason to choose a school. The only reason I'm considering it is that my wife can get a better job in that city as well.) Since the only schools in his state are public (some good schools, but have major in-state biases) he has taken it upon himself to call one school's dean of medicine several times on my behalf. I finally found out about this today. I should mention I'm currently waitlisted at this school, and accepted elsewhere.

Today, I found out that I got an interview because he called. According to him they "didn't think I had any real interest in the school." I think they were probably just trying to get him off the phone. Since then, from what I can deduce he probably has called 3 or 4 more times.

1. I'm really pissed at him for doing something behind my back.
2. I think him calling so much sends a weird message, and may have even hurt my chances at the school.
3. If I get in, I feel that the first impression some may have of me is that I'm the son-in-law of that weird man.

Anyway, I called him and sternly told him to stop, and that there was no way in the world I would ever talk to him about my residency choices--that he had lost my trust.

Do you think I should call the school and say anything about him?

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[Apparition]

You probably shouldn't call the school, that would be weirder yet. Is he an MD?

 

[SirTony76]

I think it is best to walk away from situations like this--explaining and making excuses will just let it linger around the school longer.

If I were you I think I would just call the school and make an apology that is short, sweet and to the point. It may be an opportunity for you to show how professional you can be.

TP

 

[C8H10N4O2Addict]

Thanks for the advice. I'm thinking about withdrawing from the school. I think he has tainted my image there. And worse, no telling if he will continue in his meddling ways. I think it's best to run far, far away.

 

[DrBowtie]

I'd just let it run its course. What if you do get in off the waitlist there?

 

[C8H10N4O2Addict]

I'd just let it run its course. What if you do get in off the waitlist there?

Opps... Should have been more clear. I'm concerned that he will continue to meddle throughout my medical education there, not just the admissions process.

 

[kyidmnmaiv]

And worse, no telling if he will continue in his meddling ways. I think it's best to run far, far away.

From what you've written, that sounds like a very good idea.

 

[DrBowtie]

Opps... Should have been more clear. I'm concerned that he will continue to meddle throughout my medical education there, not just the admissions process.

That's a tough one. What are the chances of you having a heart to heart convo with him?

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Just withdraw your app from that school and not tell your wife you did it. "Sorry honey, guess we don't get to live near your dad! I'm sad too!!!!"

 

[C8H10N4O2Addict]

Just withdraw your app from that school and not tell your wife you did it. "Sorry honey, guess we don't get to live near your dad! I'm sad too!!!!"

I'm very tempted to do that, but she'd make about $15k more there doing a job she loves. Plus, tuition would be about $12K less. So we are looking at a premium of about $27K a year to go elsewhere. I see your point. Thanks for the advice.

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Put it this way....which is more important to you: a few thousand dollars per year or the luxury of not being a puppet for your father in law because you know as well as I do that he will continue to meddle and probably do it even more.

 

[onephile]

wow, I'd be furious. furious. if you do end up going to school there, he will most likely meddle in your affairs. you have to get your wife on your side on this one. from my own experiences with my in-laws, sometimes if the word comes from their son/daughter, they will listen than if it comes from the son/daughter in-law. must present a united front!!! no weakness can be shown
good luck

 

[Beau Geste]

I would be extremely embarrassed if my FIL called any graduate program even at least once for ANY reason. The school should have kept your application confidential, and if they did, you need to tell your FIL in whatever way you can to stop meddling.

It looks very unprofessional, to say the least. And, if he has this sort of behavior, what makes you think it will stop at med school? What if he wants you to have a residency or partnership close to him? You could potentially jeopardize future opportunities if you don't act on it now.

You can be nice, be mean, be however you want, but make sure you explain to him that he's actually hurting your chances for med school by interfering in your life. If he doesn't understand, stop telling him about it.

 

[zimmie256]

I have an odd situation, and I would like your input. (Plus, maybe this will entertain you if you are bored.)

So, my father-in-law really wants us to live close to him. (This is a horrible reason to choose a school. The only reason I'm considering it is that my wife can get a better job in that city as well.) Since the only schools in his state are public (some good schools, but have major in-state biases) he has taken it upon himself to call one school's dean of medicine several times on my behalf. I finally found out about this today. I should mention I'm currently waitlisted at this school, and accepted elsewhere.

Today, I found out that I got an interview because he called. According to him they "didn't think I had any real interest in the school." I think they were probably just trying to get him off the phone. Since then, from what I can deduce he probably has called 3 or 4 more times.

1. I'm really pissed at him for doing something behind my back.
2. I think him calling so much sends a weird message, and may have even hurt my chances at the school.
3. If I get in, I feel that the first impression some may have of me is that I'm the son-in-law of that weird man.

Anyway, I called him and sternly told him to stop, and that there was no way in the world I would ever talk to him about my residency choices--that he had lost my trust.

Do you think I should call the school and say anything about him?

What does your wife have to say about this? If my dad pulled something like that with my husband, I'd be thoroughly pissed, but I realize there's a better job in it for her as well....

 

[C8H10N4O2Addict]

What does your wife have to say about this? If my dad pulled something like that with my husband, I'd be thoroughly pissed, but I realize there's a better job in it for her as well....

She knows he messed up. She is very pragmatic, and does credit him for getting me an interview, though.

 

[Bluntman]

So, my father-in-law really wants us to live close to him. (This is a horrible reason to choose a school. The only reason I'm considering it is that my wife can get a better job in that city as well.)

I'm very tempted to do that, but she'd make about $15k more there doing a job she loves.

Just curious...what does your wife do? And what are the reasons behind the huge pay differential that she would take if she worked elsewhere? Out of all the cities in the country that have med schools, aren't there some that have equivalent job opportunites for her (or at least closer to her current pay than 15k lower)?

(and pleeeeeease don't say she works for her father! )

 

[C8H10N4O2Addict]

She is formally trained in mechanical engineering and architecture. She currently works in between the fields of mechanical engineering, industrial design, and architecture as a consultant functioning as a liaison between "artsy design teams" and "realistic engineers" to solve conflicts. In the end, she makes products and sometimes buildings (mostly parts of buildings) stable while still maintaining the original product or building concept.

There are very few small boutique firms that do this type of work. She could work in either of these fields, but her joint knowledge of several makes her more valuable.

 

[SailCrazy]

Thanks for the advice. I'm thinking about withdrawing from the school. I think he has tainted my image there. And worse, no telling if he will continue in his meddling ways. I think it's best to run far, far away.

So... I don't want to come across as too devious ... but if you don't want to have to admit to (or lie about) withdrawing, you could always send a "letter of disintent" letting the school know that while you think their school is great, the proximity of your crazy father in law insures that even if you were accepted off the waitlist, you would not choose to attend!

I don't think you'd have to worry about turning down an acceptance then!

 

[Bluntman]

She is formally trained in mechanical engineering and architecture. She currently works in between the fields of mechanical engineering, industrial design, and architecture as a consultant functioning as a liaison between "artsy design teams" and "realistic engineers" to solve conflicts. In the end, she makes products and sometimes buildings (mostly parts of buildings) stable while still maintaining the original product or building concept.

There are very few small boutique firms that do this type of work. She could work in either of these fields, but her joint knowledge of several makes her more valuable.

Wow that sounds like a great niche and a fun career! Best of luck to you both.

 

[CptCrunch]

Be careful of those meddling kids. And their stupid dog, too.

 

[Wackie]

It's simple. Tell your father in law to butt out. If you don't now, he'll butt into your life later on down the road.

Then, as far as school goes, don't mention anything. If you call them, most likely you'll start making the school feel like they're in the middle of your family affairs.
Handle it at the root cause and don't worry about appologies. If it comes up in an interview, tell them you've handled it.

 

[KittycooMD]

Stand your ground, man!! Like people said, he had no right to do it, and I would tell him to his face: "Look [insert name here], I appreciate you trying to help but it's actually doing more harm than good. It's likely that I won't get into X school because they might think I can't do anything for myself since you keep interfering. Please stop it, now and in the future. I am a grown man and I love your daughter. I will do what is best for her and for us as a couple, and while I don't want to be rude, she is my wife and she shares her life with me, and not as much with you anymore."
Say it, and say it sternly!! Don't be afraid of hurting his feelings because yipes! Can you see him calling around when you're trying to match for residency? Marriage is about sacrifice, so perhaps your wife can stand to make a bit less for the next 4 years, then look for something more lucrative?
GOODLUCK!!

 

[kirexhana]

Put it this way....which is more important to you: a few thousand dollars per year or the luxury of not being a puppet for your father in law because you know as well as I do that he will continue to meddle and probably do it even more.

not to mention, would his continuing control over your life cause you to be less successful in the future?

true, 27k*4year = 108k, which is about 150-200k if you include the interest. do you feel that being near your father-in-law is enough of a burden to screw with you getting a good medical education?

 

[Dr. Pepper]

So... I don't want to come across as too devious ... but if you don't want to have to admit to (or lie about) withdrawing, you could always send a "letter of disintent" letting the school know that while you think their school is great, the proximity of your crazy father in law insures that even if you were accepted off the waitlist, you would not choose to attend!

I don't think you'd have to worry about turning down an acceptance then!

If you are a 100% sure you don't want to go without hurting anyone's feelings (if your wife's pay increase was not an issue, I would say this is an easy choice) then I suggest following Sailcrazy's advice.

He fooled you once...he'll do it again if you give him the chance.
-Dr. P.

 

[karirunner]

Stand your ground, man!! Like people said, he had no right to do it, and I would tell him to his face: "Look [insert name here], I appreciate you trying to help but it's actually doing more harm than good. It's likely that I won't get into X school because they might think I can't do anything for myself since you keep interfering. Please stop it, now and in the future. I am a grown man and I love your daughter. I will do what is best for her and for us as a couple, and while I don't want to be rude, she is my wife and she shares her life with me, and not as much with you anymore."
Say it, and say it sternly!! Don't be afraid of hurting his feelings because yipes! Can you see him calling around when you're trying to match for residency? Marriage is about sacrifice, so perhaps your wife can stand to make a bit less for the next 4 years, then look for something more lucrative?
GOODLUCK!!

Totally agree.

 

[jebus]

have you considered sleeping with him? i totally get my way when i sleep with people.

 

[drmota]

is this guy planning on watching you and your wife conceive your children? sounds like a freak that has attachment issues with his daughter. i would choose the school you like best. period. no two ways about it.
-mota

 

[jackieMD2007]

is this guy planning on watching you and your wife conceive your children? sounds like a freak that has attachment issues with his daughter. i would choose the school you like best. period. no two ways about it.
-mota

 

[C8H10N4O2Addict]

Yes, as soon as I found out, I told him very bluntly (I was almost screaming at him) that his behavior was way out of line. I have that part as handled as it can be. (The sad part is he really was trying to help; he just doesn't get it no matter how many times my wife and I explain things to him.)

I was more interested in what my action should be with the school, but I've decided that doing nothing with the school and helping my wife look for jobs in the other city is the best action.

is this guy planning on watching you and your wife conceive your children? sounds like a freak that has attachment issues with his daughter. i would choose the school you like best. period. no two ways about it.
-mota

 

[docmode]

I think your approach is the wisest. If you believe his intentions are good, as odd and out of line as they are, then you should just try to get connected to another area. In the longrun, med school will be completed one day, and there will be too many years left to make things unpleasant now. You're a good person to realize his attentions, it would only hurt him and your wife to make a big stink about it now. BUT, do the right thing and get out of Dodge!

 

[crazy_cavalier]

I have an odd situation, and I would like your input. (Plus, maybe this will entertain you if you are bored.)

So, my father-in-law really wants us to live close to him. (This is a horrible reason to choose a school. The only reason I'm considering it is that my wife can get a better job in that city as well.) Since the only schools in his state are public (some good schools, but have major in-state biases) he has taken it upon himself to call one school's dean of medicine several times on my behalf. I finally found out about this today. I should mention I'm currently waitlisted at this school, and accepted elsewhere.

Today, I found out that I got an interview because he called. According to him they "didn't think I had any real interest in the school." I think they were probably just trying to get him off the phone. Since then, from what I can deduce he probably has called 3 or 4 more times.

1. I'm really pissed at him for doing something behind my back.
2. I think him calling so much sends a weird message, and may have even hurt my chances at the school.
3. If I get in, I feel that the first impression some may have of me is that I'm the son-in-law of that weird man.

Anyway, I called him and sternly told him to stop, and that there was no way in the world I would ever talk to him about my residency choices--that he had lost my trust.

Do you think I should call the school and say anything about him?

What are you, insane? The man got you an interview by calling for you. You should be grateful. Sheesh!

Kids these days. No respect I tells ya. You told him you can't trust him? Wow. Get over yourself. You should thank him. I don't think his calls are weird at all, a little obsessive maybe, but he only means good by them. And what should you care about what others think of you or how they view his calls? Now go give your father-in-law a hug and play some chess with him or something.

 

[Doctor&Geek]

So there's something missing here.

Is this guy's father-in-law a doctor, or even better a bigwig working at that school? If either are the case, then the idea of cold-calling an admissions office for medical school isn't unlike calling residency directors on a student's behalf.

If the father-in-law is in some of other field, or (gasp) a lawyer, then likely I'm sure his calls were meaningless. I think the OP's got anxiety issues - its probably not a big deal to anyone except himself and his future family. Just as long as you act normally you'll be fine. Even if you've gained some kind of bad reputation (I doubt it), you'd be surprised how little admissions has to do with teachers and attendings (at least thats the case at my school).

 

[45408]

So... I don't want to come across as too devious ... but if you don't want to have to admit to (or lie about) withdrawing, you could always send a "letter of disintent" letting the school know that while you think their school is great, the proximity of your crazy father in law insures that even if you were accepted off the waitlist, you would not choose to attend!

I don't think you'd have to worry about turning down an acceptance then!

haha, that's a new one.