Medical School Husbands

[Rogerswife]

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I've been through most of the posts in this forum, and I've noticed that most of the posters here are wives, but I thought I'd start a thread & see if anyone might have some input. I will be starting med school this fall, & my husband and I will be moving to Southern California in order for me to do so. However, I worry about what it will be like for him being that I will be gone a lot and in the first two years of our marriage I have handled a lot of the day to day operations for our home (grocery shopping, paying the bills, cleaning house, etc.), which is not to say that he doesn't help out, but merely to say I willingly do a majority because I tend to be sort of particular about how things are done. I know that I'm going to have to let go of some of that particularity (beggars can't be choosers) but I was wondering if any of you have any experience with this situation, and how you coped. Did the balance shift in household work, and if so, how did that go over? Any information would be helpful as I would like to know what I'm committing both of us to. Thanks.

 

[outofhere]

I got married during my second year. My husband was working more than I was studying, and frankly, I enjoyed doing the housework- I will take folding laundry over memorizing pharmacology ANY DAY. So I still did the bulk of the work. What was helpful was actually being a good manager of my time. You will find that all med students have time to burn, may be not much time, but time nonetheless. Some will burn this by going to parties, some will burn their share by surfing the internet, or by reading all these forums... And I chose to burn my time by doing housework/hanging out with my husband...etc. The fact of the matter is that married students actually are more efficient in their use of time, in general. When there is someone waiting for you, you stay on task better and finish your work sooner. I also found that setting aside one weekend day to not do any school work very helpful. That may be studying ALL day Saturday to have Sunday completely free, but it is worth it to compartmentalize. Your life is still yours. Just be sure to NOT get pregnant until you're ready. To become a parent is much more work than med school... really.

 

[psipsina]

My hubby and I have been struggling with alot of the issues you talked about and have made it so far (.75 years in mind you) without any drama or hurt feelings etc. We have a date night every weekend except the weekend before an exam, this means I do less with my classmates as far as socializing but I have PLENTY of time with them at school and keeping my husband and my relationship strong is more important to me. He comes to my post test parties but always brings along a buddy of his so if me and the other nerds start babbling about the ohhh soo unfair biochem question number 42 he doesn't end up staring blankly at a wall and feeling left out. He is working as a waiter so on nights that he isn't working he makes sure he is home to spend my dinner break with me, we cook together (or are lazy and order something in) and then watch a tv show or a netflix movie together. I have found that the best thing to do though is to make sure that he knows he can go out with his friends and have a life without feeling guilty about me at home studying. I also make sure that we budget for his hobbies so he has stuff to do around the house, besides housework, when his buddies aren't availible, so he's not too bummed out that he can't hang with me all the time like we used to.
I too used to be the primary bill payer/housekeeper type, also because I'm too anal to be happy with how anyone else does it, but I have learned to let go a bit. We made a housekeeping plan to try and share the load a bit, I do the laundry which is super easy and makes a great study break, and I keep up the floors which is also easy and a great study break. He does alot of the day to day dishwasher/trashempty/dusting/clean the toilet type stuff and then after every exam I do a major overhall of the whole house and bring it up to my anal expectations. I had to let go of the financial role, because it became really really difficult for me to keep track of the little things outside medschool, especially if they fell within the pre-exam week when I'm a studying fool. I would always remember a bill or something when I couldn't do anything about it, like in the car on the way to school, or in cadaver lab, and then forget whenever I could actually make the call/write the check etc. We almost lost our car insurance because I was soo late one month and my hubby offered to take over. I'm too anal to let go completely so I keep reminders on my pda and check to make sure he's done the super important stuff. Anyway, thats what we've done. Just remember amidst your stress that your hubby is experiencing most of it with you and is likely pretty worried about you and pretty lonely so just like you'll have some bad days he will too, so be a bit more lenient and willing to forgive little things and things will be smoother.

 

[Wifty]

You don't happen to be a Greener? Hubby graduated from Evergreen in Olympia before going on to med school. Just thought I would ask.

In my experience, the few hubbies that were out there doing med school, ended up taking up a majority of the household duties.....some to the point of staying home with the children.

They tended to bond together....the hubbies....and would do things just themselves as well as with the other female spouses.

That said, although hubby was the student, he did all the cooking except for some nights right before a major test. For him, it was destressing, and I don't like to cook....so it worked out.

Every body just has to find their balance.

good luck! Its a ride well worth the effort!
Rebecca....just ending intern year. YEAH!

 

[Rogerswife]

Nope, not a Greener, although I work with a lot of them! Actually, I just work at a newspaper in Olympia.

Thanks to all of you for your replies. Your input has really helped put my mind at ease.

 

[LADoc00]

Being a medical school husband would be fairly horrific IMO. Good luck that with that. I would rather do a year in Iraq personally.

 

[bananaface]

USC Santa Cruz has nothing on Evergreen's mascot. 😛

My boyfriend is fine with playing house and taking care of kids. It will fit well because he can stay home and write at his leisure. Hooray from both sides!

The amount of cleaning needed is directly proportional to the amount of time you spend in your house. If your husband is working and you are out of the house alot, there will not be that much to clean. If he's not working, then he has time to clean whatever needs to be cleaned. If no one wants to clean the house, just live in a crackerjack box sized place that has no room to accumulate clutter and and eat off half-ply paper plates. What's left? Laundry?

 

[Wifty]

Yeah....the gooey duck bears an unfortunate resemblance to male members and gets alot of attention because of it.
They are a very hippy school.....so who knows in what state they were in when deciding the mascot. 🙂

And I think it would be interesting to see how the nation would be different if most children were raised by stay-at-home dads. And I think that its an awesome choice to be one if you can!

with smiles,
rebecca

 

[Rogerswife]

Being a medical school husband would be fairly horrific IMO. Good luck that with that. I would rather do a year in Iraq personally.

LADoc00: Maybe you could tell me WHY you think it would be horrific. It's not terribly helpful (although maybe being helpful wasn't your intent) to say that it would be terrible without explaining what would cause it to be.

 

[Pixelthecat]

Rogerswife, you might also point your husband at the forums on medicalspouse.com, if he's not already there. My wife says there are a few husbands active there.

 

[Rogerswife]

Rogerswife, you might also point your husband at the forums on medicalspouse.com, if he's not already there. My wife says there are a few husbands active there.

Thanks for the tip, I'll do that!

 

[LADoc00]

LADoc00: Maybe you could tell me WHY you think it would be horrific. It's not terribly helpful (although maybe being helpful wasn't your intent) to say that it would be terrible without explaining what would cause it to be.

because most people in general need attention from their spouse, be they male or female, attention she wont be able to give you. Then there are the insecurities about the late nights with colleagues, the inside jokes they have together etc...just reeeeeekkks of drama. And 4 years of that? hell no, Iraq is better. I stand by that.

 

[hattie]

LAdoc00:just like there are many "medical husbands" who may worry about their relationships, there are many soliders in Iraq who have spouses/so's that they worry about, just from much, much further away and often while working longer days and sometimes for even less pay than a resident.
So if you were just trying to make a remark on how you would prefer to be single, in a hospital or in a war, then so be it, but please leave the people working their asses off in Iraq, some while attempting to taking care of their families from far away, out of it.

Rogerswife: My husband has been in the military while I was in medschool, and I can say that dedication to each other and our marriage, a little flexiblility about roles/how things are done, and a willingness to be independent when necessary has gone a long way (6 years together total). If you were a pretty good student in college (which likely you were) you might find you have more time than you think 1st and 2nd year, especially if when you're studying you're really studying (not just hanging out at the library socializing) and you prioritize time together. Best wishes! H

 

[Doc Oc]

-

 

[dpmd]

because most people in general need attention from their spouse, be they male or female, attention she wont be able to give you. Then there are the insecurities about the late nights with colleagues, the inside jokes they have together etc...just reeeeeekkks of drama. And 4 years of that? hell no, Iraq is better. I stand by that.

That makes no sense. Do you think being deployed would mean you wouldn't have to worry about your wife spending time with colleagues and becoming close with them? Sure, spouses never cheat when one of them is deployed.

My husband enjoys spending time with me, and I'm sure he would like more attention (=sex) than he gets from me while I am busy, but he understands that sometimes I have to do stuff (just like I understand when he has to do stuff and I don't get to hang out with him for a while). As far as the insecurity thing goes, he is secure in our mutual love and respect so there is no drama. It just depends on the kind of man and the kind of relationship you have. I enjoy taking care of the finances, and I was able to keep doing that by making use of electronic bill pay and paying as much stuff as I could on credit card (that way I only had to keep track of a couple of actual payments from the checking account). We both hate housework so we do the dishes once a week or so (usually he does them and I take care of the stuff he wouldn't think to do like clean the tub and sweep the floor). He bikes to work and therefore accumulates a lot of laundry so he does a load every day or so then one of us moves it to the "laundry couch" where it sits until one of us decides to fold it and put it away (or my mom does it when she comes to visit). The balance of work will fluctuate if he is the type of person to help out (if not, you may end up resenting him). When I was less busy (frequent in first and second year, occasional in third and fourth year) I would do more, when I couldn't get stuff done (or didn't feel like it) he would step in, feed me, and take care of the house. He actually does more of the cooking even when I am not busy. It should be a teamwork idea. When he has busy times at work I help him out, so why wouldn't he do the same for me?

 

[Rogerswife]

Thanks for your reply. It's so nice to know that it can be done & done well!

 

[Sweenracer]

because most people in general need attention from their spouse, be they male or female, attention she wont be able to give you. Then there are the insecurities about the late nights with colleagues, the inside jokes they have together etc...just reeeeeekkks of drama. And 4 years of that? hell no, Iraq is better. I stand by that.

Good luck in Iraq, *******. I've been handling it just fine. For 6 years now, I have been the primary caretaker of 2 kids, housekeeper, billpayer, cook, gardener, landscaper, etc. while my wife has been in Med School and Residency. I am secure enough about myself and our relationship to handle any late nights, inside jokes, whatever. I am successful, and have managed to pull off a lot more accomplishments than any of her peers. You deserve to spend 4 years in Iraq, maybe it will teach you how to be a man.

 

[Sweenracer]

I found that it was not that bad at all, until we had a baby... That's when it got tough for us. We had our youngest son when my wife was in her last year of Med School. Residency has been a nightmare for my wife. My son is a huge handful. We also have a 10 year old girl. I also work as an Engineer. So between work 8-4:30, daycare, school, cooking dinners, softball practices, music lessons, orchestra concerts, cutting the grass on a 1/2 acre property, laundry, bills, remodeling a kitchen, checking homework, cleaning, dishes, family events, etc. etc. etc. all while my wife is working and my 2 year old is running amuck...

Honestly, I don't know how I do it sometimes. The house is always a terrible mess. I can't wait until she is attending, one more year of residency to go, and then 3 years of fellowship... so four more years will make a full 10 year process... (at least it's better than being in Iraq).

 

[SuperDad]

Med School, residency and fellowship has been a long haul. (And we've got 2 years left.) For me the most difficult part has been the moving. We went to a new place for med school, residency and fellowship. So that meant giving up two jobs I loved and one I couldn't wait to leave. I think part of it is the realization that you might not be in the same place for along time, so you don't make as close of relationships with friends for yourself.

For us, kids came into the mix early in 4th year and I go by SuperDad because 95% of taking care of them is on my shoulders. It's funny, my wife can be on call for a week, but leave her with two kids under 5 for 24 hours and she is a wreck.

I would encourage male spouses to prepare for the worst in terms of not seeing your wife/significant other and be happy when they are home. And don't be afraid to speak up about your feelings/desires/wants/needs in the relationship.

You can do it, it's just not easy.

 

[Sweenracer]

My wife is the same way. My 2 year old son drives her up the wall. Not only do I need to take care of him when she is not there, but usually have to take control when she is home.

 

[Rogerswife]

Thanks for all of your replies guys. 👍 It sounds like as long as we don't have kids any time soon (which shouldn't be a problem, we're SOOO not ready) we should be okay until residency hits & then it might take some extra effort. You guys just don't know how incredibly reassuring it is to hear from those who have gone before us!

 

[supercut]

wow, what planet are you guys from? Are there more of your speices there?You sound like exactly what I've been looking for!

 

[Jejton]

I know that I'm going to have to let go of some of that particularity (beggars can't be choosers) but I was wondering if any of you have any experience with this situation, and how you coped. Did the balance shift in household work, and if so, how did that go over? Any information would be helpful as I would like to know what I'm committing both of us to. Thanks.

My wife has been in a demanding accelerated nursing program this past year, along with having a baby, so supporting the family and doing most of the housework, shopping, much of childcare - well not nursing - ( we didnt use a nanny or daycare, when my wife was in school i worked from home, when she came home i went into the office ), was on my shoulders and it wasnt easy on me or on us. MY advice - let go not of some of the peculariaty, but all of it. You will save yourselves a lot of stress if you learn to just accept the way he does things ( as long as the important things get done on time ). There was some great advice in another thread on this very topic.

 

[Ol Jock 99]

MD husband here. I've been along for the whole ride; we got married right before my wife's MS1 year and she's currently a PGY5 in Rad Onc.

I won't lie, it has been challenging sometimes. For example: she's been studying non-stop for the stop 6 months for her 1st two rounds of boards. Add on moving multiple times, stress, etc, it has been/is tough.

BUT, it has been totally worth it!!!! I love that fact that my wife is a doc and thus is smarter than me 😀. Does it require sacrifice?? Sure, but ANY good marriage does.

Guys, hang in there. Don't forget: you knew what you were signing up for!! Stay the course; it is worth it.

 

[Laker]

MD husband here. I've been along for the whole ride; we got married right before my wife's MS1 year and she's currently a PGY5 in Rad Onc.

I won't lie, it has been challenging sometimes. For example: she's been studying non-stop for the stop 6 months for her 1st two rounds of boards. Add on moving multiple times, stress, etc, it has been/is tough.

BUT, it has been totally worth it!!!! I love that fact that my wife is a doc and thus is smarter than me 😀. Does it require sacrifice?? Sure, but ANY good marriage does.

Guys, hang in there. Don't forget: you knew what you were signing up for!! Stay the course; it is worth it.

What I would give to be your shoes.