Mommy guilt

[manna]

I'm really in a funk lately, and need some advice, or encouragement - something - to pull myself out of it.

I've been suffering from some terrible "mommy guilt" (at least that's what I like to call it) lately.

I work full-time (8-5 Mon - Fri), then am taking classes at night (so I'm gone from like 3-11pm on Tues/Thurs). I miss my kids terribly (they are 4 and 1) and feel almost as if I'm sacrificing my children for my career goals.... My youngest cries in the mornings when I drop him off at daycare.

Surely there are some other moms out there, somewhere, you can remind me that "this too shall pass?"

Thanks......

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[im4real]

It shall pass... no worries...

Are these classes for a college degree?

I went to school when my first-born was 2 years old and it was a guilty feeling, but I felt strongly that I was a better person & better Mommy for finishing my education... Just make the times you are together really special and let them no you love them... You are certainly not alone and I think it's wonderful that you are in tune with your feelings and how your children feel... It will all work out... k?

Your Friend,
Christy

 

[gwyn779]

I don't have children, but my mother went back to school and got her bachelor's when I was 4 and my sister was 2. We've suffered no long-term damage or resentment from it.

 

[manna]

Yes, the classes are for my degree.. I'm still just a lowly sophomore (at my age - I dropped out before my kids were born and have been slwoly taking night classes since)

Thanks so much, yall. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that my kids are NOT going to grow up and hate me for this, and that I'm not the world's worst mother, ever.

 

[paean]

They'll grow up proud of you, and knowing that with some hard work, they too can follow their dreams.

 

[Newdoc2002]

Ask yourself will my kids say, "Gosh, I wish mommy spent more time at work than at home." or "My mommy is a better mommy becasue she has ___ degree or ____ job."

Your kids are young, impressionable children now. You will never get these years back. You will always have time for school, job, career later.

I know I will get attacked for being politically incorrect and from your post you are just looking for views that support your own but I thought you at least needed to read this point.

 

[manna]

Originally posted by Newdoc2002
Your kids are young, impressionable children now. You will never get these years back. You will always have time for school, job, career later.

Well, the part of my story that I didn't elaborate on has some bearing on your comments.

Work - well, that's not an option, unless I want my kids to go hungry. I have to work to support my family.

School - I suppose I don't HAVE to go to school (I'm going into an allied health field this fall, so I won't be applying to med schools until my kids are older)... if I wanted to keep trying to give my children a decent life on $16,000 year.

It sure isn't easy, but I guess they'd be better off with me sitting at home collecting welfare than out trying to work hard and better life for all of us?

Thanks for your comments, anyway, but I don't need you making me feel any worse - I have enough guilt about the situation as it is.

 

[manna]

And another question....

Why is it considered acceptable for a man to work long hours, or go thru a time-consuming educational process - even with children - but it is not for a woman?

A mother is made to feel guilty, as if she is abandoning her children, when she has to leave them for work, school, etc - but how often is a man faced with the same stigmas?

Just a thought.

 

[pathdr2b]

Originally posted by manna
Why is it considered acceptable for a man to work long hours, or go thru a time-consuming educational process - even with children - but it is not for a woman?

A mother is made to feel guilty, as if she is abandoning her children, when she has to leave them for work, school, etc - but how often is a man faced with the same stigmas?

Just a thought.

I feel you on this one Manna. The biggest problem with the views of new2002 is that often times you'll find women pepetuating these ideas. Men are far more loyal unfortunately.

I'm a divorced parent of one and I can tell you that balancing career and family goals is a challenge. I don't use words like difficult because I really don't think it is. What is difficult is wasting time in a career you hate and still having to take care of a family. An unhappy caregiver couldn't possible be a good one.

I'm a little more along in this process since I'll be applying to medical school this year, but I know of a woman (single parent)that has 3 children and is finishing up the MD at Morehouse this year (it took her 6 yearss, but who cares?)

So hang in there!!!

 

[Newdoc2002]

Not trying to make you feel guility, that you do yourself.

And now that you have explained your situation in more detail, one can sympathize more, if you are the only care-taker and wage earner in the family.

If you are going to further your education, why not go on public assistance and go to school? You may run up some educational debt in the process. But, you will give back to society much more than you would take now, especially if you finish medical school.

My main point is to take your time because your kids ultimately don't want a "better life" as defined by society. They will end up appreciating a mom who is at home as much as possible as they mature. And they will be proud of you as you advance your career without sacrificing too much of their time with mom.

And the random comment about men working long hours. It isn't acceptable if they are the only caretaker of the children. And I don't think it is necessarily acceptable for a father to be away from his children for an excessive amount of time even if there is a spouse at home taking care of the children.

Your logic is backwards as you apply society's realtive rules to your situation rather than what may be ultimately best for your children.

pathdr2b - The problem with your opinion is if you can't separate your work from your family so much that it makes you a poor parent, then you need more than a career change.

 

[manna]

Originally posted by Newdoc2002
And now that you have explained your situation in more detail, one can sympathize more, if you are the only care-taker and wage earner in the family.

If you are going to further your education, why not go on public assistance and go to school? You may run up some educational debt in the process. But, you will give back to society much more than you would take now, especially if you finish medical school.

I actually wouldn't qualify for assistance. From my understanding of the system, if you are a student (as opposed to someone who just stays home, this really burns me up! ), then you can't qualify for assistance unless you are also working 20 hours a week.

My husband actually works as well - he's only gotten a job recently, and the pay is very poor (the economy here is terrible). The only reason he's working and not being a stay-at-home Dad is in the hopes that things will somehow work out if I quit work to go back to school FT... at least he HAS a job.

Anyway, thanks for the input, everybody. I'm not feeling in such a funk emotionally today, but boy are my allergies going haywire!

 

[::Seabass::]

Originally posted by Newdoc2002
My main point is to take your time because your kids ultimately don't want a "better life" as defined by society. They will end up appreciating a mom who is at home as much as possible as they mature. And they will be proud of you as you advance your career without sacrificing too much of their time with mom.

manna, you know in your heart what is best.

I've mentioned this a couple of times on the boards but I'll mention it again in case you don't know. both my parents are physicians and I am the oldest of six kids. granted my parents began having them towards the end of their residency which makes things a tiny bit different, but I think we are still on the same page. my parents worked VERY hard to put themselves through college, excelled at a top med school, got great residencies/fellowships. they have set the standard high for me and have a lot of pride in their name. I in no way feel that my life is lacking because my mom worked her butt off when I was younger. she almost didn't have kids because she loved medicine so much (luckily my dad persuaded her )

my point is you working as a doctor sets a wonderful example for your kids to aim high and if you portray your love of medicine to them and how you had a goal, worked hard, and made it; they will have tons of respect for you and will be proud of their mom. I in no way feel lacking because I know my mother loves me very much and bends over backward to be good to me. I could not have asked for a better role model as a mother.

if you haven't checked out www.mommd.com they have a forum like SDN's with women doctors discussing these exact problems.

 

[gem777]

Originally posted by seaworthc
manna, you know in your heart what is best.

I've mentioned this a couple of times on the boards but I'll mention it again in case you don't know. both my parents are physicians and I am the oldest of six kids. granted my parents began having them towards the end of their residency which makes things a tiny bit different, but I think we are still on the same page. my parents worked VERY hard to put themselves through college, excelled at a top med school, got great residencies/fellowships. they have set the standard high for me and have a lot of pride in their name. I in no way feel that my life is lacking because my mom worked her butt off when I was younger. she almost didn't have kids because she loved medicine so much (luckily my dad persuaded her )

my point is you working as a doctor sets a wonderful example for your kids to aim high and if you portray your love of medicine to them and how you had a goal, worked hard, and made it; they will have tons of respect for you and will be proud of their mom. I in no way feel lacking because I know my mother loves me very much and bends over backward to be good to me. I could not have asked for a better role model as a mother.

if you haven't checked out www.mommd.com they have a forum like SDN's with women doctors discussing these exact problems.

Although my parents are not physicians, they are both professionals and work full time. I couldn't agree more with seaworthc!! Even though my parents worked full time, I never felt that my life was lacking. My parents were always available, even if they weren't at home. They were very involved in our lives (when we were teenagers, it sometimes felt like they were too involved). They attended all of our activities, we ate almost all of our meals together, we regularly took vacations, they actively participated in our schools, etc. Compared to some of my friends, who had stay-at- home moms, I had more "tuned-in" parents. I'm not bashing stay-at-home moms!! My point is simply that just because a parent stays at home, it does not automatically mean that he/she is a good parent or that he/she is involved in his/her kids lives. Along the same lines, simply because a parent works outside the home, it does not automatically mean that he/she is a bad parent or that he/she is not invovled in the kids lives.

Anyway, my parents must have done something right. Both my sister and I lead very productive (college educated/ working/ married) and happy (no abuse of drugs or alcohol/ destructive) lives. Isn't that the goal of parenting?

I think it is important to point out that a parent must be involved in their kids lives. I don't think anyone would deny this important principle. But, I stronly believe in refraining from making certain presumptions based on whether mom (usually the case) works outside the home!

 

[pathdr2b]

Originally posted by Newdoc2002
[Bpathdr2b - The problem with your opinion is if you can't separate your work from your family so much that it makes you a poor parent, then you need more than a career change. [/B]

Thank goodness Newdoc 2002 opinions are in the minority!

And by the way, it's not about being "politically correct" its aboutthe fact that your views on the roles and capabilities of women are from the stone age!

 

[agent]

I'm thankful my wife can stay home and watch the kids so I dont have to feel guilty about putting them in day care.

I know how you feel manna. Hang in there. You're children whill appreciate and admire you someday.

Just once you become a doc, try to give your time back to your kids.

 

[pathdr2b]

Originally posted by manna
I've been suffering from some terrible "mommy guilt" (at least that's what I like to call it) lately.

I thought I'd list some things that I do (Or did in the past) to make sure I have quality time with my daughter:

1) Take a bath with her (works best when they're very young)

2) Allow her to help me cook and wash dishes. This usually amounts to adding seasonings to food while cooking or mixing cake or pancakes. I can talk to her about her day while washing the dishes.

3) Sleep with her or in her room. I did this in graduate school (when she was about 2) and worked long days say from 7:30 - 9:00 pm. It was/is such a thrill for her to wake up and see me there.

4) Make everything you do with the child quailty time. For example, while bathing her as a baby we would sing songs. Sometimes that was all the "quality time" we had that day.

5) Except for days when I have exams coming up, I ALWAYS made the time between when I picked her up (6:00PM) and when she went to bed (8:30PM) all hers . Laundry and house cleaning can wait until after she goes to bed or Saturdays.

Manna, you can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Aloha Kid]

Hi guys,

You know Newdoc2002 opinion is not the minority. I tend to agree more or less with Newdocs stated opinion. I think it has some merits. Most people remain quiet about these issues as not to place more burden on those who already suffer.

It is difficult to walk in the shoes of someone else. Manna, I wish you the best of luck. At times you gotta do what yah gotta do and try pushing through it having hope that brighter roads lay ahead. In the end one ends up asking themselves what will bring them true happiness. For some, living on $16,000 a year would be a blessing. To others, it is plain miserable.

By the way, I'm a bit confused. Is your spouse or partner planning on going into the health profession???

 

[lizzied2003]

manna, i think we met in Under M1 room.

I think that the only people who should respond to your post are either kids or moms/dads who have walked in your shoes. On my way through my bachelors and my masters I had 2 kids and worked full time. Regretfully, I probably missed many things and in fact there was one particular instance when i 'felt' like a bad mother. (Note 'felt' does not translate to 'was'). I firmly believe that our children were never lacking for emotion or love. That is the most important thing. Looking back (my kids are now 13 and 9) I am much more available now than I was back then and I still work full time and take a class. It is just that 'undergrad push' is missing from my life. I would follow much of the previous posters advice about doing those things wiith you kids, if don't already. I would also strongly recommend that if your family is nearby they are the ones who also help with care as opposed to day care 100% of the time. If there was one thing that caused me guilt it was the 'dropping off' in the morning thing. I was also fortunate to have a spouse but he worked full time too. If I had to go back and do it over again...I would only do the following; I would have used day care less. I realize now that I probably could have made better arrangements for childcare in the beigninng. For instance, we made excellent money but it would have been better spent if we have used day care less at that time and maybe had my husband work one less day. Retrospectively this is easy to see. At the time it was happening truly we thought we were doing the best that we can. ( I also have some inkling of a memory that there was restrictive scheduling of day care, i.e., full time or just 1/2 days or something like that that binded us into full time.) I blame that on just being young parents and honestly at the time we felt we were doing the best thing. Now that I still work and my husband only works part time and our kids are older...this is the time that they actually need us physically present. I can't stress this last statement enough!!
I also want to say don't allow anyone to make you feel like a bad parent. Good luck.

 

[r_salis]

Just my 2-cents -- I think it's most important as a kid to have parents who are happy about who they are and where they are. You can have a parent around 24/7 who isn't really *there* even though he/she is physically present -- someone who's disappointed with the choices she/he's made or unhappy in some other way, and that's not good for anyone in the family. I think as long as you make yourself emotionally available to your kids you can make the time you spend with them count just as much as if you spent all day together. Sometimes it's the quality of the time, not the quantity, that counts.

 

[Caffeinated]

Originally posted by lizzied2003
I think that the only people who should respond to your post are either kids or moms/dads who have walked in your shoes.

So people who don't put their kids in daycare or weren't put in daycare theselves aren't entitled to an opinion on this matter? Consider that some people make a conscious choice and make sacrifices NOT to put their kids in day care because they believe it's best for their child. If you only allow responses from people who "have walked in those shoes" then all you will get is validation that you are a good person who is doing the right thing. How does that help the original poster?

The guilty feeling is there, and you need to deal with it. You either feel guilty because (1) you are doing something wrong or (2) you have inappropriately placed guilt. So if you really think you should be feeling guilty, then stop paying someone to raise your kids. If you think you are doing the right thing, then dispose of the guilt and keep on fulfilling your dream with the hope that your happiness and self-fulfillment will trickle down to the child's well-being. I don't see how this is such a complicated issue. Your guilt is either legitimate or unfounded. Make that decision for you and your family, then live with your choice. Sound fair?

 

[Tyra]

I think that is exactly why the suggestion was made that only people that have been involved in similar situations should answer. Common sense dictates that only someone that has actually went through a similar situation could somehow give an opinion somewhat free from biased thoughts; that is not meant to imply that everyone doesn't have an opinion. My mom got her college education while i was very young and missed some things in my life. Times were extremely hard and we didn't have much money at all. I had to go thru the embarrassment of thrift store clothes, free lunch, etc. It wasn't until I grew up and "walked in my mom's shoes" and experienced a situation similar to hers that I truly understood her objectives. I was extremely embarassed and mortified that everyone knew we were on welfare. By the time my mom graduated, I was grown and out the house, but my brothers never had to go thru the horrible feeling of being poor and on welfare like I did. I now see the strength it took for my mom to follow her dreams and committ to becoming the best she could be so as to become a superior role model for her children. When plagued with the same guilt recently at parent/teacher conferences, my daughter's teacher informed me that my guilt was misplaced; in fact, all my children's teachers were astounded at the strong science influence obviously coming from our household. Whereas I was convinced my daughter despised me, her teacher told me that there is not a day that goes by that she doesn't elaborate on some science topic that "her mom" showed her in her biology or chemistry textbook. Not trying to be rude at all--but in so many situations, believe me--it is very hard to comment objectively on a situation you've never encountered. Sorry to go off on a tangent, manna--good luck!!!!

 

[manna]

Sorry this thread was kinda dying a lingering death - that I didn't respond sooner. Had to work myself out of some of that negativism.

Caffeinated - You make it sound so simple. In reality, it is NOT that easy. "Consider that some people make a conscious choice." My choice? Work or my children will go hungry. Staying home is not an option. I don't know that someone who has never had a family to provide for can relate to this.... and that's not a slam at anyone on this thread, it's just I think becoming a parent changes you in ways you could never imagine beforehand. How can someone who's never dealt with the stresses and joys of parenting even begin to relate or criticize the way I choose to raise my children?

Aloha - No, my husband isn't going into a health profession. He's actually a blue collar kind of guy, which shamefully I am kind of disappointed about. I wish he'd be interested in college, but I tried to send him three times and he dropped out each time. Maybe he just still has some growing up to do. He has dreams of becoming a luthier or a chef, so we'll see. I keep telling him to just put me through school, first, but it's so difficult to find a decent job around here.

Thanks very much - Tyra, Agent, Salis, Lizzie, Path (good suggestions especially, thank you), Gem, Seaworth, Paean, and anyone else I missed.