Motherhood & Vet Med

[puppydogtor]

I would really like to hear from vets who are parents and what your experiences are like. My biggest dream/goal in life is to raise a family, with being a veterinarian my second. My mother was a stay-at-home mom who always made us homemade meals, drove us wherever we needed to go, and never missed a sports game/concert/etc.. I obviously won't be able to do all of that as a working mom and I fear that my career might make me the complete opposite, which is why I would love to hear about your experiences.

I also am nowhere near ready to have children, I just like to plan ahead/have an idea of what's coming and see if anyone has any advice. I am starting vet school this fall and my SO and I are planning on getting married sometime during vet school. As of now, I really want to be a small animal gp with my own practice someday. When I finish vet school I'll be in my mid 20's with lots of debt - basically my SO's salary will cover living expenses while my salary will go towards loans. I would like to have my first kid before I'm 30, when I've had about 3-4 years as a practicing vet and have paid off a good bit of loans.

So just some general questions... When did you have your first child - during vet school or how many years out? Who looked after your child once you returned to work? Has having children changed your professional goals? What work schedule has been ideal for you as a parent? Do you find that you are able to interact with your children enough and provide them the emotional support they need? Thank you in advance for your responses

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[that redhead]

I’ll give you my two cents. We have a lot in common in that I got married mid way through vet school, wanted to pay down loans and establish myself a bit in practice before kids, husband paid the rest of our living expenses while my paychecks went to loans, etc. I’m a bit of the opposite when it comes to parenting in that I never really wanted kids…but I also never wanted to get married and after finding the right person early on, decided that I would be OK with kids because I was confident he would share the parenting duties.

So, to first answer your questions:

I had my first children (twins) in 2020; I graduated in 2015 and I was 32 when they were born. They went to daycare at 16 weeks of age, only delayed a month because we all got COVID. So the plan was for them to start at 12 weeks, when my maternity leave was up.

I was in small animal GP from graduation until the middle of 2020, when I made the switch to my first love (lab animal). It was very challenging in SAGP because of the hours and expectations. So yeah, on paper I worked “only” 4 days a week and two Saturdays a month, but I often worked 10-12 hour days minimum, and my commute fluctuated (I worked two hospitals owned by same owner, so closer one to home was about 30mins commute with traffic, the further one was usually 45mins). You’re expected to stay for those literally last minute emergencies, which are always a sht-show. Your coworkers at either parents themselves who want to get home to their own families or not parents who will often resent you on some level for your family responsibilities, no matter what they show to your face.

I had intended to get back in to lab animal regardless but it came as perfect timing when I got my opportunity because I now work M-F 7-3:30 and sometimes I stay a little late or have to go in on a weekend but it’s a company and it’s manageable. I have plenty of sick leave I can use for my kids (which I used the hell out of their first year or so). I really can’t imagine how I would have (acceptably) managed if I were to continue in GP, but people do make it work.

My schedule has made it possible for me to enjoy weekend time, but our weekday evenings are still hectic. It requires a lot of organization and commitment to making things work. It also requires sacrifice, both for work and personal life. So much will depend on your personal tolerance level and your support/family situation. I’m happy to answer more questions if you have them!

 

[that redhead]

Circling back again to offer more thoughts:

As for the emotional bits…being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and will likely ever have to do. It’s a constant, unwavering commitment and being a working parent compounds the test of that commitment. Mom guilt is a real thing and I think literally every mother feels it. SAHMs, working moms, part-time moms…you are frequently confronted with the feeling that you simply aren’t doing enough, aren’t doing your best, aren’t doing much of a job of motherhood at all. As a full time working mom, I definitely have my moments where I feel straight up awful that my kids are at daycare for so much of their days. I also LOVE my job and what I do and have zero desire to stay at home with them

It sounds like you had a great childhood - I did too, though my mom worked full time. Being a parent now, I feel a million times more grateful for my upbringing because I now see and appreciate the level of dedication it takes to make that stuff happen. Having support from your partner is also so important. Presence at school or extracurriculars when you can’t be there. Kids get kicked out of daycare for being sick, what do you do? You’re sick at home and can barely get out of bed, what now? And so on. Not to mention the sheer cost of raising kids and having financial support from a working spouse, sharing kids chores and life chores, etc.

 

[KCgophervet]

My story is somewhat similar to TRH's but will chime in here as well. I had my first child during my lab animal residency program in 2019. I had 10 weeks of maternity leave and then my husband had 3 weeks of paternity leave and then he went to daycare full time. I had my second son in 2021 about 8 months into my first job. I had 12 weeks of maternity leave and then my husband had another 4 weeks so he started full time at daycare at 16 weeks. Daycare is a hard thing, because at first you feel the mom guilt and like you're abandoning your helpless child to people who can't ever care as much as you do about them. As time goes on though, I think its the best thing in the world for them. The daycares we've used have curriculums, art projects, other kids to socialize with, new toys and play areas we don't have at our house, and I think overall the kids actually enjoy it. I also enjoy it because I was never meant to be a stay at home mom, I love my kids but sometimes they are a little much even on the weekends. My kids are also energizer bunnies and I have no idea where they get all their energy from but daycare helps burn some of that.

My job and my residency were both very busy, but luckily for the most part I don't have to stay crazy late every day unless on call, and even then its not all the time. I also have the benefit of being able to take time off when needed. Granted my kids are still too young for a lot of extracurriculars or school activities but based on my coworkers I don't feel like I'll need to miss things if I make it a priority. My current schedule is 8-5PM M-F (same as for residency).

Kids are expensive - daycare especially takes up a lot of our income. During my residency basically all of my income went into daycare costs. They also need a lot of stuff. Luckily my partner makes a nice salary (more than me) and I think thanks to both of us working in higher-paying fields we'll be able to provide the kids with a good life.

I do feel like my priorities in life have shifted a bit. I sometimes wonder if getting boarded is really that important when I missing morning playtime to study for boards (but hopefully that will end soon). I love my kids with everything, but I also know that I don't have it in me to be a stay at home mom. I sometimes wish I could spend more time with them at home, but then I also sometimes get home early and enjoy the peace and quiet before picking them up from daycare. Emotionally, the mom-hormones are strong. It is really a perspective and life-altering shift, or at least it was for me.

Always happy to talk more about it, having kids during a residency is not a common occurrence (though there have been at least 3 in my residency program that have done it in the past 10 years) and obviously will depend on the program and field.

 

[yogapony]

Preface: not a parent. But...I'm the child of a working mom, who is a human doctor. I have 4 siblings. My mom didn't make it to all my events, nor did she cook dinner every night. But she showed me what being passionate about a career looks like, and we never suffered for lack of love or attention. My parents split the home duties evenly - whoever got home first, picked up kids from daycare and cooked dinner.

There are many ways to have a family. You'll figure out where and when to prioritize your time and energy. You can find jobs that will support you as a parent. Many people have children during vet school, internship, residency - and from what I've seen in my own vet school - they have been well-supported.

 

[battie]

35 weeks into my first pregnancy while just almost a year out from graduating, currently 30. So haven't started the mom part with the actual child yet. But I will have 1 month off per work, then taking an additional 2 months. Husband has 13 weeks off, and we're doing it concurrently. Goal is to go back to my current/first job only for a few months, and then move on to a higher paying job that will have a better schedule a few months later (3 twelve hour days rather than 4 ten hour days). The goal for the increased salary will be to use all that extra money for daycare.

Wanting a family on my timeline absolutely changed my career goals. I considered internship/residency and my husband and I discussed it third year Thanksgiving break over a coffee date. What our family goals are, how much we were willing to sacrifice in regards to time/work/home. Ultimately, I valued being done with the set up aspect of my career more than specializing. I originally wanted to be done having kids by 30; didn't work out because of how long it took to get into vet school. I certainly didn't want to wait until 34 or 35 to start having kids (I was planning on waiting until after specializing to start).

We have a lot of family support as his brother (and his wife), his parents, and my grandparents are all within 15 minutes of us. I also have a 16 year old cousin I would trust to babysit once my kiddo has a more regular schedule. They all have already volunteered for babysitting on a regular basis. However, our kiddo will absolutely be going to daycare. I see a drastic difference between my cousins/neices/nephews that go to daycare and those who don't. The social interaction is worth the money for a few days at daycare a week to me.

I was raised by parents that worked 50hrs a week and back then, my mom went to work a few days after we were born. This didn't change until later into my college years. One parent always tried to make it to events. Frequently, only one parent was at home events. It is what it is. While I will have a better work/life balance, there is the reality that I will miss out on things because of work because I'm the significant breadwinner in the family (3.5x what my husband makes). I mean, I'm going to be the ER doctor for Christmas this year in all likelihood. I'm going to miss my kiddo's first Christmas.

Our goal as parents is honestly to be emotionally better parents than ours were. His parents were drastically emotionally unavailable and closed off. My mom was 20 and dad was 23 when I was born and grew up with us as we were growing up. In hindsight, those aspects had pretty a significiant impact on us and our siblings.

That sort of turned into word vomit. Lol. Check back in 2 months, 7 months, and 13 months to see how this is actually going 🤣

 

[Trilt]

Preface: not a parent. But...I'm the child of a working mom, who is a human doctor. I have 4 siblings. My mom didn't make it to all my events, nor did she cook dinner every night. But she showed me what being passionate about a career looks like, and we never suffered for lack of love or attention. My parents split the home duties evenly - whoever got home first, picked up kids from daycare and cooked dinner.

There are many ways to have a family. You'll figure out where and when to prioritize your time and energy. You can find jobs that will support you as a parent. Many people have children during vet school, internship, residency - and from what I've seen in my own vet school - they have been well-supported.

I could write a long sappy thing, but this. All of this. My mom had me as a teenager, single mom for my early childhood, working or university my entire life. She's ****ing fantastic and I wouldn't trade her for a stay-at-home version any time. We grew up together.

Yeah, sometimes we ate ramen or my father's absolutely horrid spicy stir fries. Sometimes we opened xmas presents at 4AM and took her to her ICU shift afterwards. But there are many ways to have a family, and I never lacked basics or love, which is the important stuff.

 

[JustPaws]

I was a non-trad student and am graduating tomorrow. I had my first child 6 months before starting vet school at 34. I actually did vet school interviews visibly pregnant! I was so fortunate to stay home with her for those 6 months and was sad to end it for school, but also really excited to start vet school!! I missed out on a lot of club activities because it was more important to me to be home for dinner/ bath/bedtime. I often studied late in the evening after she was asleep. I attribute a really good school/life balance to her!

During 4th year, I had my second child. I packed almost all of my vacation rotation blocks together and was able to stay home for 12 weeks with her before putting her in daycare to finish. She is thriving and that makes it a bit easier but I still feel sad I am not getting as much time with her as my first.

After having kids I realized I would have loved to be a stay at home mom. I definitely think my kids get lots of love and support though. My new job is only 4 days a week with 8 hour shifts so I anticipate having a decent home life still once I start.

I do know that if I had been younger in vet school and unmarried/no kids I likely would have specialized, but I love GP and will be happy there too. Likewise, if i hadn't gotten into vet school after the first baby, I may have become a sahm and probably would have loved that too.

 

[Minnerbelle]

ooof. So much to say about this one. One thing for sure is that vet moms are some of the toughest people out there. Just like there is a special understanding between vet students because there’s no way for anyone who hasn’t been through it to understand, and between vets because no way in hell can anyone else understand what we go through/do, there is a very special set of circumstances for vet moms. Particularly if they are both the source of significant income for the family (sometimes breadwinner) AND responsible for significant and often majority of parental duties. The amount of **** that needs to be done in both spheres is more than anyone can ever fathom, but somehow they make it work. A lot of vet moms say being a mom is the hardest thing they’ve ever done (which blows the minds of non-parental dvms because becoming and being a vet is hard). The transition to becoming a vet mom was incredibly hard for me. I even waited until I was well established in my career to start having kids to make the transition easier.

Daycare costs $2000 a month per child where I’m at. I get paid well enough to afford that, but budget is tight. And even though I have an incredible partner that does drop offs, I’m up by 5:30 to pack everything for myself and kiddos. After a night of not having slept much caring for said kiddos who don’t sleep well or are constantly sick. Then I sprint to work to be able to make it to my first 8am appt. Even if I only work week days, I’m go go go without a second to eat or pee many days until I’m sprinting out of work to either pick up kiddos before 6 (when day care starts charging like $5 per minute up to 30 min when they will call CPS) or get home to have dinner on the table. Then it’s nonstop go go go taking care of kiddos and pets until they all go to bed. Then I’m super exhausted… but always have an hour or two of household or work things to figure out before I pass out. And until baby’s weaned no matter how tired I am, I have to pump milk and clean up all that stuff before I can climb into bed. My “me time” is 10 min maybe twice a day When I can fiddle on my phone while I pump. Then rinse and repeat. It’s hard to feel like I’m always half assing both being a mom and being a vet.

I could no longer do the evening or weekend hours required of most associate jobs, so I went relief and that’s helped a lot. And also not having the weight of the responsibility that associates have of taking care of the entire hospital and their clients. But that also means I don’t find my job as fulfilling. I’m still a vet and I still do the things, but just for hire to babysit and not necessarily be “the neighborhood vet.” The saving grace right now is that the employment market is white hot. So you can find whatever job will suit your needs. I’m ever so thankful that during my kiddos early years, I’m not in a drought market where I’m forced to slave for a crappy position and not be able to be the mom I want to be.

 

[JustPaws]

I feel you Minnerbelle. That never ending cycle of washing pump parts at 10pm when you just desperately want to go to bed cuz next feeding is invariably 4 hours away and counting...