my boyfriend won't move for me

[omgmedschool]

Hey guys this is a personal thread and I was hoping for some unbiased advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. I just got into my top choice medical school which happens to be in my hometown (a large city). It is far from where I am right (about a 3 hour plane ride.). However, my boyfriend is older (27) and his family lives about 3 hours away from him right now so he really has nothing holding him down. Nonetheless, ever since i got in we have been fighting nonstop about what we should do. I would love for him to move down with me, although he wants me to move and if we can't do long distance then eventually he might move down. I've done long distance before and it did not work and I just don't see the point in doing long distance for 4 years...when I'm going to have to move again probably for residency. I just feel so hurt that after 2 years he doesn't want commit and take it to the next level. What should I do? wait it out until the very end or dump him before so he knows what his life will be like without me?

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[brimley]

Hey guys this is a personal thread and I was hoping for some unbiased advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. I just got into my top choice medical school which happens to be in my hometown (a large city). It is far from where I am right (about a 3 hour plane ride.). However, my boyfriend is older (27) and his family lives about 3 hours away from him right now so he really has nothing holding him down. Nonetheless, ever since i got in we have been fighting nonstop about what we should do. I would love for him to move down with me, although he wants me to move and if we can't do long distance then eventually he might move down. I've done long distance before and it did not work and I just don't see the point in doing long distance for 4 years...when I'm going to have to move again probably for residency. I just feel so hurt that after 2 years he doesn't want commit and take it to the next level. What should I do? wait it out until the very end or dump him before so he knows what his life will be like without me?

My first response would be to dump him. What does he do as a student/for a job? That information could change the advice.

 

[se2131]

Nothing holding him down? I find that hard to believe... I'm sure he has his reasons for wanting to stay where he is, but you're only showing one side over here.

 

[Parthenon89]

Hey guys this is a personal thread and I was hoping for some unbiased advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. I just got into my top choice medical school which happens to be in my hometown (a large city). It is far from where I am right (about a 3 hour plane ride.). However, my boyfriend is older (27) and his family lives about 3 hours away from him right now so he really has nothing holding him down. Nonetheless, ever since i got in we have been fighting nonstop about what we should do. I would love for him to move down with me, although he wants me to move and if we can't do long distance then eventually he might move down. I've done long distance before and it did not work and I just don't see the point in doing long distance for 4 years...when I'm going to have to move again probably for residency. I just feel so hurt that after 2 years he doesn't want commit and take it to the next level. What should I do? wait it out until the very end or dump him before so he knows what his life will be like without me?

why wouldnt he relocate for the woman he 'loves' honestly, i know i would, DUMP HIM.

 

[bozz]

You're being selfish IMO

he has good reason IN HIS MIND... and that's what matters... you're obviously not telling us the other side of the story.. if what you're saying is true and he doesn't love you, it will become obvious

if you don't love him or he doesn't love you, the long distance relationship won't work

either way, long distance is the way to go.. considering the circumstances... and the fact that he CONSCIOUSLY doesn't want to move to where you are

it will reveal a lot about you and him.. forcing him to do so.. is just wrong... he's not doing it out of his own will... try long distance.. see how it goes

just my cents from personal experience

 

[Law2Doc]

he doesn't want commit and take it to the next level.

I think you summed it up nicely in the above. Move on.

 

[se2131]

why wouldnt he relocate for the woman he 'loves' honestly, i know i would, DUMP HIM.

Why does everyone have these romantic notions that "if you love someone, you will do anything for them?" It's nonsense. The same thing could be said of the OP, if she loved him, she could be more open to a long-distance relationship.

It's a weak argument either way.

 

[NJDIF]

are you two close in age?

 

[omgmedschool]

he is an engineer...a type that can easily be hired somewhere else. ok the other side....that i left out is that he really loves his football team from his state school. he goes up there a lot during the fall gets season tickets and hangs out with his family. if he were to move with me he couldn't go do that which is very important to him.

 

[135892]

Hey guys this is a personal thread and I was hoping for some unbiased advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. I just got into my top choice medical school which happens to be in my hometown (a large city). It is far from where I am right (about a 3 hour plane ride.). However, my boyfriend is older (27) and his family lives about 3 hours away from him right now so he really has nothing holding him down. Nonetheless, ever since i got in we have been fighting nonstop about what we should do. I would love for him to move down with me, although he wants me to move and if we can't do long distance then eventually he might move down. I've done long distance before and it did not work and I just don't see the point in doing long distance for 4 years...when I'm going to have to move again probably for residency. I just feel so hurt that after 2 years he doesn't want commit and take it to the next level. What should I do? wait it out until the very end or dump him before so he knows what his life will be like without me?

If he doesn't want to move, then why would you even want him to come with you? I'm sure he has reasons for not wanting to leave, and you should respect that. Just try the long distance thing, and see what happens.

 

[bozz]

Why does everyone have these romantic notions that "if you love someone, you will do anything for them?" It's nonsense. The same thing could be said of the OP, if she loved him, she could be more open to a long-distance relationship.

It's a weak argument either way.

exactly what I was saying

 

[brimley]

ok the other side....that i left out is that he really loves his football team from his state school.

Loser! Dump him. I wouldn't trust any guy who likes sports that much.

 

[NJDIF]

he is an engineer...a type that can easily be hired somewhere else. ok the other side....that i left out is that he really loves his football team from his state school. he goes up there a lot during the fall gets season tickets and hangs out with his family. if he were to move with me he couldn't go do that which is very important to him.

[/endthread]

 

[TheLesPaul]

he is an engineer...a type that can easily be hired somewhere else. ok the other side....that i left out is that he really loves his football team from his state school. he goes up there a lot during the fall gets season tickets and hangs out with his family. if he were to move with me he couldn't go do that which is very important to him.

lol...You just answered your own question. "he couldn't go do that, which is very important to him." Family comes first, over a gf of just 2 years. You should chill out.

 

[bozz]

lol...You just answered your own question. "he couldn't go do that, which is very important to him." Family comes first, over a gf of just 2 years. You should chill out.

o boy.... the day I said that to my gf... she went crazy.. haha

when you're 27, family shouldn't "exactly" be first

from the general vibe... it seems like he still wants to explore other women.. I don't know the exact situation... so forgive me for generalizing

 

[Jolie South]

move and start school in the fall. i think it will become readily apparent whether or not it's meant to work out.

if it doesn't work out, move on and focus on school/starting your career. you will meet someone better when you least expect it. 🙂

however, it's obvious to me if someone is not willing to make a sacrifice for you at this stage in the game (2 years people!), then it probably won't work out. my husband, then boyfriend, gave up a full ride to his dream graduate program 6 months after we met without me even asking so that we could be together.

 

[se2131]

however, it's obvious to me if someone is not willing to make a sacrifice for you at this stage in the game (2 years people!), then it probably won't work out.

Two years (IMO) is not long enough to justify forcing someone to

a) find a new job
b) move far away, especially from family
c) move to a city where, in all likelihood, the only person that this guy'll know is the OP

unless he was willing to go through that. But to say that it's not a big deal for him is naieve. Just b/c your husband was willing to do that after 6 months, doesn't mean that everyone else should have to.

 

[scowdeva]

he is an engineer...a type that can easily be hired somewhere else. ok the other side....that i left out is that he really loves his football team from his state school. he goes up there a lot during the fall gets season tickets and hangs out with his family. if he were to move with me he couldn't go do that which is very important to him.

I'm in the same sort of situation...my unofficial 'fiance' (its been discussed but we're poor so we'll see) goes back and forth with being willing to move with me. This is where I am at right now: let him make his choice. I'm sure that he is important to you and that you love him, but you are both separate people that have separate priorities. If he doesn't want to go, and you won't do long distance, then you have your answer. If you are just hesitant to do long distance, and he is hesitant to move, why don't you both just agree to back off when the time comes and see what happens. You both might be more willing to compromise once the reality of you moving sets in. If neither of you can compromise, then fate has decided it for you, and it won't work out.

I do think that both of you need to be able to pursue what you want out of life without limiting yourself or the other person. If this means going separate ways for a while, as hard as that may seem, that might be the right move in the long run. If it's meant to be, it will be. However, you both would need to be willing to work on the situation no matter what happens, unless you just never want to talk to each other again (yeah, I'm a girl that is still mostly friends with my exes).

 

[154241]

however, it's obvious to me if someone is not willing to make a sacrifice for you at this stage in the game (2 years people!), then it probably won't work out.

i strongly agree. especially for football. don't get me wrong, i love football, but if he's choosing that over you, well... better to find this out now than later. is this taking the edge off the joy of getting into your #1 school? don't let it. congratulations! 👍

 

[Jolie South]

Two years (IMO) is not long enough to justify forcing someone to

a) find a new job
b) move far away, especially from family
c) move to a city where, in all likelihood, the only person that this guy'll know is the OP

unless he was willing to go through that. But to say that it's not a big deal for him is naieve.

i'm not saying it's not a big deal, but we obviously know where his priorities lie. if i was in the OP's situation, I would know where I stood with him and would rather end the relationship than deal with someone that wants me only when it's convenient for him. (easier said than done right?)

it seems like they want different things. he wants something more casual. she wants more commitment.

 

[Nevadanteater]

he is an engineer...a type that can easily be hired somewhere else. ok the other side....that i left out is that he really loves his football team from his state school. he goes up there a lot during the fall gets season tickets and hangs out with his family. if he were to move with me he couldn't go do that which is very important to him.

you've got to be kidding me.

you're telling me that he has nothing holding him down and he doesn't want to move because of his football team. do you even know this guy? there are so many more reasons NOT to move that probably are holding him down.

who does he go to the football games with?
where does he go when you're not around?
does he like his job (believe it or not, although getting a job may be easy, getting a job that someone LIKES is a different story)?
how long has he been living in this town?

three hours isn't *that* far, but to uproot and start anew with no social circle or easy way to create one is not easy. you're going to start medical school which presents ample opportunities to make friends and start a new life in a new town. moving to this new town he'll have YOU - guess what you'll be doing through all of this?

this guy needs to dump you.
(jeez i'm an a**hole)

 

[RySerr21]

Loser! Dump him. I wouldn't trust any guy who likes sports that much.

ha! that was a joke right? if not i'd love to hear an explanation 🙂

 

[DSpagnoli]

Hey guys this is a personal thread and I was hoping for some unbiased advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. I just got into my top choice medical school which happens to be in my hometown (a large city). It is far from where I am right (about a 3 hour plane ride.). However, my boyfriend is older (27) and his family lives about 3 hours away from him right now so he really has nothing holding him down. Nonetheless, ever since i got in we have been fighting nonstop about what we should do. I would love for him to move down with me, although he wants me to move and if we can't do long distance then eventually he might move down. I've done long distance before and it did not work and I just don't see the point in doing long distance for 4 years...when I'm going to have to move again probably for residency. I just feel so hurt that after 2 years he doesn't want commit and take it to the next level. What should I do? wait it out until the very end or dump him before so he knows what his life will be like without me?

I am in the exact position as you, except it is my girlfriend who will not move. We have been dating for 4 years and she will have a year left of school while I am in my first year of Dental School at Temple in Philly. She is not making me any promises, and the whole thing has been causing us non-stop arguments. Needless to say, she is unwilling to take the relationship to the next level...and has her own priorities for her own career/life now. It would have been nice to know a long time ago....suddenly things have changed as soon as i was accepted.

I decided to end things because our relationship had taken about 5 steps backwards. She changed as a person, and is no longer interested in pursuing things with me in Philadelphia. I needed to end it because there is no way I would make it through school going through turmoil and always wondering. I am moving on now. So basically, I did not want to prolong the inevitable. Hardest thing I have ever had to do, but she has been treating me like absolute ****.

 

[xanthomondo]

this guy needs to dump you.
(jeez i'm an a**hole)

Haha I like that. But yeah, OP, you're being selfish. Now that he is comfy in his probably well-paying engineering job (establishing himself for promotions, etc) and most likely has many friends in the area you think he should just marry you and turn his life upside for two years of dating?

He probably feels you're trying to push him into marriage, he's obviously not ready. Let him be. Would you give up your top-school acceptance for a crappier school if he got into a good engineering firm?

 

[shook33]

love is simply an addiction to a person or experience that your brain senses and you interpet as enjoyable!

my 2 cents.

 

[Concubine]

Hey guys this is a personal thread and I was hoping for some unbiased advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. I just got into my top choice medical school which happens to be in my hometown (a large city). It is far from where I am right (about a 3 hour plane ride.). However, my boyfriend is older (27) and his family lives about 3 hours away from him right now so he really has nothing holding him down. Nonetheless, ever since i got in we have been fighting nonstop about what we should do. I would love for him to move down with me, although he wants me to move and if we can't do long distance then eventually he might move down. I've done long distance before and it did not work and I just don't see the point in doing long distance for 4 years...when I'm going to have to move again probably for residency. I just feel so hurt that after 2 years he doesn't want commit and take it to the next level. What should I do? wait it out until the very end or dump him before so he knows what his life will be like without me?

Get pregnant, then he might move with you.

 

[Thewrongstuff]

love is simply an addiction to a person or experience that your brain senses and you interpet as enjoyable!

my 2 cents.

Great advice! Or maybe not...are you saying move on?

 

[seraph524]

I think the consensus is that relationships prior to medical school never last. The distance plus the environment isn't ideal for long distance.

 

[letitgo]

love is simply an addiction to a person or experience that your brain senses and you interpet as enjoyable!

my 2 cents.

If only that were true. Have you ever been heartbroken? It's worse than physical pain. It's just about the worst thing there is.

I'm sure some relationships prior to medical school last. People can make it work.

OP, just dump him. As soon as you start considering dumping someone, it's essentially over. From the sound of it, it'll probably be amicable. Good for you. I envy you.

 

[decafplease]

To the OP - the next step in your relationship isn't him moving for you. The next step is an engagement ring. I wouldn't suggest to anyone moving far away for someone you aren't either married or betrothed to. Honestly. It's a bad idea. He'll resent you for it.

If he's not ready to commit to you in a marriage sort of way (like engagement), or visa versa, then I wouldn't suggest forcing him to follow you. It won't work out. Proximity won't fix the underlying problems here.

That said, congrats on getting into your top choice. Move to school, see if the relationship holds up. If it doesn't, you'll be better off because med school isn't the hard part. Your career is the hard part. 🙂 Good luck! Be strong!

 

[tylerh87]

Family will ALWAYS be number one to many people. I am engaged, and family is still number one for both my fiance and I. We make COMPROMISE for one another. Its something you have to have in a serious relationship. If your relationship isn't to that level yet, which it doesn't seem to be, then move and let things work themselves out. Either A) You will decide your relationship is to the level to make compromise or B) You will end it and move.

 

[TheLesPaul]

Haha I like that. But yeah, OP, you're being selfish. Now that he is comfy in his probably well-paying engineering job (establishing himself for promotions, etc) and most likely has many friends in the area you think he should just marry you and turn his life upside for two years of dating?

He probably feels you're trying to push him into marriage, he's obviously not ready. Let him be. Would you give up your top-school acceptance for a crappier school if he got into a good engineering firm?

Exactly. I mean, you've only been with him for 2 years, and your asking him to basically give up his entire life (not just football) for you. That's a huge commitment...

 

[seraph524]

Yea, being heartbroken is a pretty devastating feeling. And of course some relationships work out, but more often than not, unfortunately, it doesn't. I think for the most part, we feel we love the other person to do anything but when it comes down to it, very few of us are dedicated enough to jump into marriage...or even moving with the other person...especially at our age.

And also, letitgo, pretty impressive profile, congratulations to all your success!

 

[smeagol]

Get pregnant, then he might move with you.

You know, if you really like him, this would probably work 😀

 

[EEL08]

Get pregnant, then he might move with you.

Nice. Honestly though my concern for you would be struggling through a long-distance relationship and possibly breaking up while you are trying to adjust to your first year of med school. Plus consider the fact that you will be gone for four years. Then at least 3 years of residency and if you don't get into one back where your bf lives you will have a long-distance relationship for 7 years?? That being said, I don't know how strong your feelings are for your boyfriend so I can't say whether or not you should break up, just giving you something to think about.

 

[dr midnight]

your title he won't move "FOR" me it should be With me!!!! it is team work . You need to do what you need to do. If you want to go ...go and if don't it will cause problems down the line.. like in a fight. I stayed for you... you both need to sit down and write pro and con.. if you still want to go go IF he or she loves you it won't matter... it is only for 4 years good luck

 

[135892]

he is an engineer...a type that can easily be hired somewhere else. ok the other side....that i left out is that he really loves his football team from his state school. he goes up there a lot during the fall gets season tickets and hangs out with his family. if he were to move with me he couldn't go do that which is very important to him.

If he got his dream job as an engineer, would you be willing to move for him? The guy should just dump you if he's smart.

 

[ufgrad00]

Hey guys this is a personal thread and I was hoping for some unbiased advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. I just got into my top choice medical school which happens to be in my hometown (a large city). It is far from where I am right (about a 3 hour plane ride.). However, my boyfriend is older (27) and his family lives about 3 hours away from him right now so he really has nothing holding him down. Nonetheless, ever since i got in we have been fighting nonstop about what we should do. I would love for him to move down with me, although he wants me to move and if we can't do long distance then eventually he might move down. I've done long distance before and it did not work and I just don't see the point in doing long distance for 4 years...when I'm going to have to move again probably for residency. I just feel so hurt that after 2 years he doesn't want commit and take it to the next level. What should I do? wait it out until the very end or dump him before so he knows what his life will be like without me?

Statistically even if he moves to the new location with you, you will eventually DUMP him, and he will be left in a strange place with nothing.

You sound like the dominant part of the relationship; you are mad that he doesn't accomodate you. Well, if he does move, like any normal person, he will subliminally resent you for making him do something that completely changes his life for what he feels is the worse. You are not married, so he does not "owe" you anything, and you should be open to the fact that you are only dating and the relationship will eventually stop.

If he has proposed marriage to you then its a different story, but if you are only dating, then let the relationship ride out and stop over-analyzing the situation. Enjoy your time with him now and stop being pushy. He will think you are the coolest chick he has ever met, if you do not push him to move and do something he doesn't want to. Maybe he will even offer to move with you if you are just a cool chick, but if you act demanding and pushy then you will lose him because you are too domineering.

 

[Dendrite]

Statistically even if he moves to the new location with you, you will eventually DUMP him, and he will be left in a strange place with nothing.

You sound like the dominant part of the relationship; you are mad that he doesn't accomodate you. Well, if he does move, like any normal person, he will subliminally resent you for making him do something that completely changes his life for what he feels is the worse. You are not married, so he does not "owe" you anything, and you should be open to the fact that you are only dating and the relationship will eventually stop.

If he has proposed marriage to you then its a different story, but if you are only dating, then let the relationship ride out and stop over-analyzing the situation. Enjoy your time with him now and stop being pushy. He will think you are the coolest chick he has ever met, if you do not push him to move and do something he doesn't want to. Maybe he will even offer to move with you if you are just a cool chick, but if you act demanding and pushy then you will lose him because you are too domineering.

I agree, forcing him to move will not do good for either of you. It's going to cause and perpetuate an underlying resentment if things don't work out after he moves with you to the big city.

 

[ThisIsYourLife]

Allright I am in the sameish situation.. My (also unofficial) fiance and I currently live in Chicago.. and I haven't gotten in anywhere yet, but I have four interviews scattered across the country. Assuming I get in to one of those, he is not coming with me. Why? He has a firefighting job here, and those are notoriously hard to come by. His family wants him to move with me, but we both understand that given the circumstances, this is not possible. I also don't feel right taking him away from his family and friends leaving him with not many opportunities wherever I am. He would get depressed, I dont need that, he doesn't need that, WE dont need that. We have already decided (a long time ago) that we will do a long distance relationship. Will this work? Who knows. But we will both give it our best efforts. We will fly to see eachother every so often, talk on the phone every night..etc. I do not think this is the end of the world. I will ACE the boards and get residency near him. thats the plan.

 

[EEL08]

Exactly. I mean, you've only been with him for 2 years, and your asking him to basically give up his entire life (not just football) for you. That's a huge commitment...

I didn't realize two years was considered a short time in relationships. My husband and I must move fast because we got married two years after we met.

 

[Jolie South]

I didn't realize two years was considered a short time in relationships. My husband and I must move fast because we got married two years after we met.

A year and a half for me.

My best friend got married three months after meeting her fiance and they're the happiest couple I know.

 

[letitgo]

thanks, seraph. I wish I could enjoy it more at the moment. But I know how fortunate I am. 🙂

 

[NJDIF]

A year and a half for me.

does this mean i have no chance with jolie south?

 

[Jolie South]

does this mean i have no chance with jolie south?

i'm sorry, but it does.

 

[biggiesmallsiz]

i'm sorry, but it does.

damn jolie. just when i was starting to fall for those freckles.


hey OP, premed/med = sacrifice = suckitupandmoveon.

the things i've given up for med school/the process of getting in......sigh🙄😳

 

[ufgrad00]

I agree, forcing him to move will not do good for either of you. It's going to cause and perpetuate an underlying resentment if things don't work out after he moves with you to the big city.

Exactly! The more the OP gets angry that her boyfriend doesn't obey her, the more her boyfriend is getting pissed at her. Whether he shows it or not. I guarantee that when her boyfriend is with his buddies he is telling them that she is too bossy and being too controlling. If her post reflects her attitude and her boyfriend isn't a complete push-over, then soon she may not have to worry about dumping him, and he will end the relationship for her.

 

[MattD]

If only that were true. Have you ever been heartbroken? It's worse than physical pain. It's just about the worst thing there is.

Have you ever quit heroin cold turkey? You might change your mind and agree with him 🙂







I think there's a question that needs answering to clarify something for me. I noticed that the OP mentioned she was accepted to her TOP CHOICE school that was a 3 hour flight away, and wants him to move there with her. I didn't notice her saying she was ONLY accepted to this school.

So, OP, have you also been accepted to another med school that is closer and might be an easier compromise for your boyfriend to make? If so, did it occur to you that it's incredibly selfish to expect him to make the ENTIRE compromise in this life decision?

 

[omgmedschool]

as of now i have not been accepted to a closer medical school.. however i told him if i did i would gladly give up my top choice and stay closer to him. he replied that he wouldnt let me do that because he knows how important this is for me.

 

[xanthomondo]

I didn't realize two years was considered a short time in relationships. My husband and I must move fast because we got married two years after we met.

I think it depends on your age. I've been 5 1/2 years together with my girlfriend (with no gaps or anything in between) but I don't plan on getting married for at least another 4 years (shes only 20 for crying out loud)