Near the finish line but unsure if I can finish

[Broomdy]

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I want to apologize in advance if I come off whiney or weak, but I really need to vent. I'm a 3rd year and I'm only 3 weeks away until the end. But I don't know if I can make it. There have been a couple events in my personal life that occurred during my 3rd year that have turned my life upside down. My performance in rotations and board scores have been affected slightly, but whatever, I've stayed the course. Some classmates were surprised that I didn't take a month leave of absence to gather myself with all of the events that happened, but I just couldn't do that. I didn't want all of the bad things to "win" and myself to "lose."

But now it seems like I'm paying for it. I'm so emotionally drained. I just have no desire anymore. I'm having problems sleeping. That just makes my day at work worse. It also doesn't help that I have a resident that seems to have a personal vendetta against me. It just feels like I can't go on.

If this feeling had occurred earlier, I would have taken a month off. But now I already have my 4th year schedule set and if I take a month off it's really going to throw a lot of things out of whack. Besides, I only have 3 weeks left!!! It just feels like an eternity.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I just need a swift kick in the butt to get my act together. FWIW I'm already getting counseling.

I know that there's nothing anyone here can do that will fix my situation but I just felt like I had to get it all out.

 

[cpants]

Talk about it with your counselor. I would probably try to finish out the last 3 weeks of third year and then take some time off at the beginning of fourth year. Unlike third year, this is easy fourth year. This may be a pain in the neck to arrange, and it might change your other plans for fourth year. Believe me though, it will be a lot better to nip this in the bud before starting fourth year than to wait until you reach some kind of crisis and have to take a leave of absence or fail a rotation or any number of other bad scenarios which could result.

My advice is to: A)inform school that you may be considering a leave of absence and why, and B) Take the first month of fourth year off. You can see how it's going during that time and decide if you need an extended leave or if you're ready to start.

 

[gman33]

If you have some vacation time coming, maybe take it sooner and move your rotations around. That may be a problem if you still need LORs or experience before applying for the match.

Just make sure you talk to someone about the issues.

 

[Rendar5]

Whatever the hell you do, tell your school NOW!!!!!! It doesn't matter if you're going to finish those 3 weeks or not. What matters is if this resident gets you introuble with a bad eval, it's too late to make excuses, however correct they are. You want it in writing that therea re personal matters going on that may potentially interfere with your work.

Then either now or at the end of 4th year take a month off to get help or whatever you need. The only way the bad stuff is going to win is if it kills you while you try to fight through it. Taking time off to figure things out and take care of yourself is winning, not losing.

 

[Law2Doc]

Whatever the hell you do, tell your school NOW!!!!!! It doesn't matter if you're going to finish those 3 weeks or not. What matters is if this resident gets you introuble with a bad eval, it's too late to make excuses, however correct they are. You want it in writing that there are personal matters going on that may potentially interfere with your work.
...

Disagree. If you needed to take time off, and did so, that would be one thing. But once you decided to proceed, to then try and create a record of personal matters to avoid a bad eval three weeks from the end, is not a good course of action. Nobody respects someone who makes excuses. At the med student level they tend to be reasonable about letting you take time off if it's objectively something someone would need time off for (family death or illness). But don't go into a rotation and expect to be able to save face near the end by saying -- but I have personal issues going on. So IMHO, if you chose to proceed with the rotation, you missed that window to raise your personal issues. The eval will be based on the resident's subjective view of your performance, whatever the cause, and you opted to take that risk. No do-overs.

As for a resident who has a vendetta against you, I have to say that from being on the other side of things, med students come and go so frequently that I find it unlikely many residents spend as much time thinking about med students as you would think. As a resident, over the course of the rotation, you tend to decide, this one is helpful, this one isn't too good, and you probably learn the names and what they want to go into. After that it's all about whether they make your life easier or harder. No real time for vendettas -- that would suggest they have more impact in your life than they actually do. You will see when you get to residency -- the med students don't really occupy much of your thoughts -- they are transients, only there for a month; vendettas are reserved for the folks who are going to be staying the duration.

I would suggest you make it through to 4th year. The pace during a lot of that year (except for sub-Is) is better. You get more electives and can take things you actually are interested in. And there's a level of excitement in terms of matching and upcoming residency that makes things a bit more palatable. If you are still unhappy after that year, then if you cut your losses, at least you have an MD after your name.

And FWIW, lack of desire, lack of sleep can be early signs of depression. You may want to talk to somebody about that. (But not on SDN, because this is not an appropriate place for medical advice.)

 

[Neuronix]

I know that there's nothing anyone here can do that will fix my situation but I just felt like I had to get it all out.

I don't know if it will help, but I had a lot of issues during my rotations too. I'll share in case you think you're alone.

During Neuro rotation my dad had a liver/kidney transplant. I went from one hospital to the next to go visit him in the ICU and then on the floors.

Then a month later my fiancee dumped me around the beginning of my IM rotation, wouldn't move out, and picked fights with me every evening when I'd get home from my IM rotation. She got a new boyfriend and was getting stoned and screwing him on the futon. I'd catch them together when I got home. So then I had to call when I left the hospital so she could leave.

My mom was homeless and getting abused by some alcoholic. So she would call me like every other day crying and telling me about what was going on. She bounced in and out of the mental hospital in those days too. It came to a head when she showed up at my doorstep trying to move in.

I ended up with a high pass in medicine. I'm not sure how. I barely passed the shelf. I was lucky that my residents were friendly. Nobody else knew what was going on. Law2Doc is right--you can't make excuses for yourself. You ony have three weeks left too! Fourth year is such a cake walk! I hope you scheduled some easy electives. Just focus on that... You're gonna have a blast in fourth year. Take a month off to study for Step 2 if your school allows it and rock it. Then all this will just be a bad memory. Don't let a few temporary things ruin your whole career.

 

[xanthines]

The way a lot of rotations are set up at my school, 3 weeks remaining is actually most of the rotation (many are 4 weeks). Is that really considered making excuses at the end? Genuinely, curious.

-X

 

[wondertwinkle]

You have to remember that you're doing this to learn. So if something isn't working and you're overstressed you need to take a step back. Obviously it's too late to take time off now. But you don't have to stress and study every day. Once you're in a state where you feel this drained and burnt out, studying is not going to get you out of that rut. It's a lot easier to just come home and do absolutely nothing relating to med school. Take a few days to hit the gym, get a massage, hang out with some friends, get buzzed, sleep a lot, whatever it is that makes you happy. If you have a weekend off, don't study and visit a friend in another city. It seems like what you need more than anything is some time to yourself where you can just relax. I bet if you did this for one week, you'll feel thirty times better for the last half of your rotation. And from what i've seen this year, I feel like most residents give you the benefit of the doubt in the beginning and really evaluate your performance at the end. You have to take care of yourself first. Only 3 more weeks! You can do it 🙂

 

[hippiedoc13]

It sounds like you're going through a hard time, and I'm sorry to hear that.

Some of the symptoms you are describing sound like you might be depressed: "emotionally drained," poor sleep, "just have no desire anymore," difficulty focusing. I'm glad that you're seeing a counselor. Have you discussed these symptoms in detail with your counselor, and/or asked about a referral to a primary care doc or psychiatrist who could evaluate whether you would benefit from an antidepressant?

I'm sure there are many factors affecting this situation, but the contribution from possible depression should not be overlooked. I have been down that road myself, and it was not until I got effective treatment for my depression that I realized how profoundly it had been affecting my concentration and interpersonal interactions on the wards. After that, the difficult work situations were still there, but I was able to tackle them so much better.

Several others have given some good advice as well about self-care: get through the current rotation, then take at least a couple weeks to regroup. Get some sleep, eat properly, exercise, see friends, do something simple that you enjoy.

Good luck.

 

[Deferoxamine]

I don't know if it will help, but I had a lot of issues during my rotations too. I'll share in case you think you're alone.

During Neuro rotation my dad had a liver/kidney transplant. I went from one hospital to the next to go visit him in the ICU and then on the floors.

Then a month later my fiancee dumped me around the beginning of my IM rotation, wouldn't move out, and picked fights with me every evening when I'd get home from my IM rotation. She got a new boyfriend and was getting stoned and screwing him on the futon. I'd catch them together when I got home. So then I had to call when I left the hospital so she could leave.

My mom was homeless and getting abused by some alcoholic. So she would call me like every other day crying and telling me about what was going on. She bounced in and out of the mental hospital in those days too. It came to a head when she showed up at my doorstep trying to move in.

Dude. This. Is. Crazy.

Hat's off to you for fighting through the pain on this one. That takes balls.