need help lowering expectations for happiness / friendships

[cobalt314]

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I've been at my school and new town for a more than a month now and am still having difficulty transitioning. I thought it would get better after a few weeks, but it hasn't yet. I chose to attend my school for significant financial reasons even though I had options that I felt I would fit in better at (in terms of student body / location). I find myself feeling very isolated. People are friendly, but in a superficial way. I feel like there are very few to no people that share the interests that I'm passionate about. I am now in a location that is isolated geographically from larger cities and my main social network (if I want to be around people from my age group) would have to come from my school. The town is quite homogeneous with regards to race / ethnicity and is also pretty conservative. In terms of my classmates, I'm on friendly terms with everyone, but just haven't found like-minded people about the things that I care about. I also thought that things would get better once classes started since I'd be too busy studying to dwell on anything that was less-than-ideal. Classes have been going on for weeks now and things haven't gotten better. I tend to just feel slightly depressed about the lack of things to be excited about.

I obviously can't change my location or my school. Transfering would be incredibly difficult, plus I still think I made a wise decision in school-choice from a debt-load perspective. Since I'll be here for four years, I really want to try to to be happy (or at least resigned) with being here and make the most out of it. I think that I what I most need to do is lower my expectations about life during med school. I think I need to get it ingrained into my head that I am only here to study / learn / earn my MD and that I'm not here to enjoy life. I need to keep telling myself to stop whining about what's not here, and to 'suck it up.' I need to focus on getting everything done as well as possible so I can get good opportunities to leave the area for residency. Sometimes I get distracted by wishing I were happier, wasting energy that I could be devoting to studying. Help for maintaining the proper realistic perspective, please?

 

[OncoCaP]

"very few to no people that share the interests that I'm passionate about"

Maybe you could expand your interests a little bit to include the kinds of things that some of your classmates or others in your community are interested in. I suspect you are less than 85 years old and not so set in your ways that you can't change or adapt. You may not want (are too stubborn) to adapt, but if you want to make friends, you really have little or no choice. You can enjoy life, even medical school. I hope it works out for you.

 

[thedelicatessen]

Realistically, you can't develop a serious connection with everyone, but med school is only 4 years. There has to be something you can bond over with your peers, and ultimately, it's ok if you're on the outskirts of your school's social scene.

What makes you happy? As long as you can still find something in your new environment that makes you happy, even if it's not what everyone else is doing, that's all that really matters. Good luck!

 

[GreenShirt]

You don't need to lower your expectations about friendships in medical school, you need to be more pro-active about making friends. Try these things:

-You're friendly with most people in your class so find a group you tolerate the most and try to get in with them.
-Invite people out to lunch, eat lunch with people
-Send out a class wide e-mail to start a study group
-Try to attend as many get together's or parties as possible
-Enroll in a hobby/athletic class in the city you live in (swimming, glassblowing, softball, cooking, whatever)

Act on this ASAP. If you wait for much more time to go by, the social circles in your school will begin to solidify and people will just get used to you being an outlier and stop inviting you to group activities. Medical school is way too stressful to get through without having some sort of social network to rely on. Trust me, personal experience, I went through my entire MS-I without any friends and was half crazy by the end of the year. I don't plan on making the same mistake MS-2.

On a more optimistic note: First of all, you probably did make the right decision on which school to attend. When things go bad MS-I, many people think "oh, if only I had gone to that other school things would have been better". You'd likely face similar challenges wherever you go. Second, give it a little more time. It takes more than a month for people to figure out eachother's personalities and find their niche. I think it's harder to find friends in medical school as compared with undergrad because you're dealing with significantly smaller group of people and you really have to try to get along with the personalities you find there even if they're not the type of people you would normally hangout with.

Don't despair yet, once you find your social support, medical school will seem a whole lot rosier. Good luck!

 

[bcat85]

I'm in sort of the same situation, but the thing for me is that I still have something to do or someone to hang out with. Its been a little bit different for me as my family/friends/girlfriend are all like 30 minutes away. Don't worry about it. It's not undergrad... you don't have 4 hours every night to sit in the dorms and play XBox and get to know everyone.

 

[FoundationsFan5]

I chose to attend my school for significant financial reasons

And therefore you've made the right choice.

Transitioning takes a long time. One problem with intentionally selecting a medical school class with such diverse and opposite hobbies and interests is that many MS1's find themselves in the position you're in right now once the getting-to-know-you casual friendly joke activities are over.

Hang in there, it gets better.

 

[sendwich]

with any big move (or any move for that matter), you shoudl give yourself not 1 month, but 6 months, at least. this includes getting used to the new city, new social circles, new weather (if that applies). give yourself time and things should fall into place.

 

[medgrlsox21]

I just wanted to let you know I'm in the exact same boat as you. I picked a school for money reasons and it being closer to home. However, I just can't seem to find my niche. I'm gonna give it smoe more time too, I guess if all else fails do some kick ass studying and get the heck outta there

 

[arroser]

I had been out of school two years in the city I'm now at school in (I'm an MS2) which was nowhere near family or friends. For the two years I was out, I told myself that it would all get better once school started, I'd meet people my age, have a support network again, have friends again. Once school started and I met my classmates, I wanted them to be as close immediately as I'd been with my college friends, and I forgot that it takes time to build relationships like that. Find people you enjoy hanging out with, and don't forget that it takes time for that to blossom into the kind of relationships you enjoyed before. Now I have several people I'm close to, but it really does take time and effort to make those acquaintances friends.

 

[nlax30]

I'd say that you really haven't given it enough time for you to find a few really good friends that you just "click" with.

Going into 2nd year now I'm extremely lucky I've found a good 5-6 other people that I've become really close to and we keep each other sane. But it definitely didn't happen in a month or two at first.... at least took well into the first year before we all really got to know each other.

 

[scorpia]

I've been at my school and new town for a more than a month now and am still having difficulty transitioning. I thought it would get better after a few weeks, but it hasn't yet. I chose to attend my school for significant financial reasons even though I had options that I felt I would fit in better at (in terms of student body / location). I find myself feeling very isolated. People are friendly, but in a superficial way. I feel like there are very few to no people that share the interests that I'm passionate about. I am now in a location that is isolated geographically from larger cities and my main social network (if I want to be around people from my age group) would have to come from my school. The town is quite homogeneous with regards to race / ethnicity and is also pretty conservative. In terms of my classmates, I'm on friendly terms with everyone, but just haven't found like-minded people about the things that I care about. I also thought that things would get better once classes started since I'd be too busy studying to dwell on anything that was less-than-ideal. Classes have been going on for weeks now and things haven't gotten better. I tend to just feel slightly depressed about the lack of things to be excited about.

I obviously can't change my location or my school. Transfering would be incredibly difficult, plus I still think I made a wise decision in school-choice from a debt-load perspective. Since I'll be here for four years, I really want to try to to be happy (or at least resigned) with being here and make the most out of it. I think that I what I most need to do is lower my expectations about life during med school. I think I need to get it ingrained into my head that I am only here to study / learn / earn my MD and that I'm not here to enjoy life. I need to keep telling myself to stop whining about what's not here, and to 'suck it up.' I need to focus on getting everything done as well as possible so I can get good opportunities to leave the area for residency. Sometimes I get distracted by wishing I were happier, wasting energy that I could be devoting to studying. Help for maintaining the proper realistic perspective, please?

wow! i could've written the exact same thing. i'm also at a school where nobody is passionate about the things i'm passionate about, and i get teary every now and then thinking that the progressive activism part of me is not going to grow. at the same time, i didn't want to defer, and i didn't want a huge debt so i know i made the right decision. in addition, the specialty i wanted to go into medicine for - OB/GYN - is no longer my motivation because i'm frustrated at the way Ob/GYN is done in america. i totally relate to how u get distracted thinking about your dreams and not studying!!

so i don't know if i can offer any words of wisdom right here, but i can tell you that you seem to be in a similar situation as me. i know it was comforting for me to find out that i'm not alone! sometimes i also think that no matter which specialty i choose or how little progressive work i can directly do, i'm making a difference just by believing the right things and trying when i can to act on them.

don't feel lonely. here's a virtual sdn hug!

 

[The Angriest Bird]

Someone please correct me if I'm being too biased and pessimistic, but developing deep friendships in our current society is almost as hard as diagnosing acute pulmonary embolism.

 

[TexasTriathlete]

What the **** is this? I come here to look for tips on how to study/adjust to the workload of medical school, and I see all this "woe is me" ****.

What kind of medical school do you go to where you can't bond with your fellow classmates about medical school? That is the cool ****ing thing about medical school, is that, no matter what your differences, you will always have the most time-consuming thing in your life in common with every single one of your classmates. Race, culture, socioeconomic class, religion, etc. is all swept aside, because you're all in for the fight of your lives together.

It took me about two seconds to make friends. I don't know if these people will be my friends in 10 years, because a lot can happen between now and then, but for now, we're all in this together. ****, I can't even think about what's going to happen 10 days from now, let alone beyond that. All I can think about is school, and occasionally drinking.

What is it, exactly, that you're looking for?

 

[TexasTriathlete]

Well how can anyone possibly know that at this point?

 

[freelove]

You don't need to lower your expectations about friendships in medical school, you need to be more pro-active about making friends. Try these things:

-You're friendly with most people in your class so find a group you tolerate the most and try to get in with them.
-Invite people out to lunch, eat lunch with people
-Send out a class wide e-mail to start a study group
-Try to attend as many get together's or parties as possible
-Enroll in a hobby/athletic class in the city you live in (swimming, glassblowing, softball, cooking, whatever)

Act on this ASAP. If you wait for much more time to go by, the social circles in your school will begin to solidify and people will just get used to you being an outlier and stop inviting you to group activities. Medical school is way too stressful to get through without having some sort of social network to rely on. Trust me, personal experience, I went through my entire MS-I without any friends and was half crazy by the end of the year. I don't plan on making the same mistake MS-2.

On a more optimistic note: First of all, you probably did make the right decision on which school to attend. When things go bad MS-I, many people think "oh, if only I had gone to that other school things would have been better". You'd likely face similar challenges wherever you go. Second, give it a little more time. It takes more than a month for people to figure out eachother's personalities and find their niche. I think it's harder to find friends in medical school as compared with undergrad because you're dealing with significantly smaller group of people and you really have to try to get along with the personalities you find there even if they're not the type of people you would normally hangout with.

Don't despair yet, once you find your social support, medical school will seem a whole lot rosier. Good luck!

I had been out of school two years in the city I'm now at school in (I'm an MS2) which was nowhere near family or friends. For the two years I was out, I told myself that it would all get better once school started, I'd meet people my age, have a support network again, have friends again. Once school started and I met my classmates, I wanted them to be as close immediately as I'd been with my college friends, and I forgot that it takes time to build relationships like that. Find people you enjoy hanging out with, and don't forget that it takes time for that to blossom into the kind of relationships you enjoyed before. Now I have several people I'm close to, but it really does take time and effort to make those acquaintances friends.

I agree with these two posts. I guess I'm in the minority here, but I really like my med school and my classmates here. My school is NOTHING like my undergrad, and my new friends are NOTHING like my old ones, but life is like that. You go to new places, make new friends, experience new things. You're never gonna get the same social life you had in high school or college, but I see no reason why you can't develop another close group of friends.

It will take time however, and I think everyone is still looking for their niche. Its not gonna happen in 2 days or 2 months. It will take time, so just be patient.

Basically, I feel this post is a little premature. Good luck to you!

 

[cobalt314]

Thanks for all the advice. I'll try to be more patient and give myself more time to adjust without getting all anxious about things.

I just feel out of place where people seem pretty apathetic, where I was the only M1 to show up to a health policy student org meeting (and there was free food too!). The majority culture is centered around drinking / discussion of who's hooking up with whom. I'm fine with that existing (always up for a few drinks!), but just wish there was something a little more of substance here.

I did a gap year prior to med school and moved to a city where I knew no one, and worked in a cube-monkey-type job. Surprisingly, my transition there was so much easier than my current transition is. I think it's because I didn't expect much from my co-workers other than general courtesy and lots of small-talk. Also, with being pro-active in seeking out people, I found a great community outside of work where people contributed their time to causes other than self-advancement. I know that I can't expect to move to a new location and have people seek me out to join their community, so I've been taking a lot of initiative on my part.

However, I need to switch my perspective regarding my classmates from "potential people who share some of my views" to merely 'co-workers'. I've put forth a lot of effort here (I've shared my food, my car, my time, etc w/ classmates) to show people that I'm friendly and in the hopes of possibly getting to know people better. It is still early and I shall keep on hoping. And if things don't get better, I'll deal with being fine with I have. I really need to continually remind myself to not live in the past and to make the most of where I'm at.

 

[Doctor4Life1769]

If you're like me, and aren't the cliquish type, then you'll basically be the person everyone knows but nobody really "knows." I'm fine by that, on occasion it is annoying, but you move on. Med school is super tough and the course load is the major distraction from all that. So, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[ZonaRidicularis]

z

 

[GreenShirt]

Thanks for all the advice. I'll try to be more patient and give myself more time to adjust without getting all anxious about things.

I just feel out of place where people seem pretty apathetic, where I was the only M1 to show up to a health policy student org meeting (and there was free food too!). The majority culture is centered around drinking / discussion of who's hooking up with whom. I'm fine with that existing (always up for a few drinks!), but just wish there was something a little more of substance here.

I did a gap year prior to med school and moved to a city where I knew no one, and worked in a cube-monkey-type job. Surprisingly, my transition there was so much easier than my current transition is. I think it's because I didn't expect much from my co-workers other than general courtesy and lots of small-talk. Also, with being pro-active in seeking out people, I found a great community outside of work where people contributed their time to causes other than self-advancement. I know that I can't expect to move to a new location and have people seek me out to join their community, so I've been taking a lot of initiative on my part.

However, I need to switch my perspective regarding my classmates from "potential people who share some of my views" to merely 'co-workers'. I've put forth a lot of effort here (I've shared my food, my car, my time, etc w/ classmates) to show people that I'm friendly and in the hopes of possibly getting to know people better. It is still early and I shall keep on hoping. And if things don't get better, I'll deal with being fine with I have. I really need to continually remind myself to not live in the past and to make the most of where I'm at.

Expecting all (or some) of your fellow students to be passionate about healthcare policy is similar to your classmates expecting you to be passionate about AIDS education, the crisis in Darfur, or the accessibilty of art therapy to low income students: It's unreasonable. Everyone has their own interest and hobbies and you should be able to make friends with people who don't have the same hobbies that you do.

I know healthcare policy affects doctors and therefore should be of interest to every physician but medical school is mainly about learning the science and art of medical practice. Healthcare policy involves following politics, economics, business and whole host of topics outside the scope of medical school. It sucks that no one else in you med school attended this meeting but maybe you can look to get involved in national organizations to pursue your interests. Or you can work on getting an MPH to learn more about this topic and meet like-minded individuals. On the brightside, you have a lot of oppportunity for leadership in the club since there's not a lot of members. You could try to organize some joint events with other school clubs to raise awareness about healthcare issues. Maybe research and throw together some presentations about important issues that may draw students in for a lunch-time lecture or seminar...all good things to put on the 'ol resume.

Socializing and drinking may seem shallow incomparison to the issue of Healthcare reform but most med students are just so pooped from sitting in class all day and studying all afternoon that they need to spend their freetime engaged in mindless activities.

 

[searun]

There is no crying in baseball!

 

[DrJosephKim]

I also had a difficult transition - new town, no friends, away from family, etc.

However, it did improve quickly. You'll find that medical school is a time when you can really get to know your classmates and build some unique and lasting friendships. Best of luck.

 

[Llenroc]

Med school isn't a place you go to make friends. You go there to get your degree and then get out.

That doesn't mean you can't make friends. I found a few people to go to parties/dinner/social events with, and I probably turned down a lot more social events due to being too tired/too busy than I was actually able to attend.

That said, once I got out, I don't really talk to most of those people anymore and I prefer it this way. 👍

 

[TheRealMD]

Best thing about med school is that people don't know about how you acted in the past. I think I've turned from being an outlier to knowing a good 40% of my class on a first name basis. They know MY name, I may not necessarily know theirs. 😛

 

[Jwax]

If you're like me, and aren't the cliquish type, then you'll basically be the person everyone knows but nobody really "knows." I'm fine by that, on occasion it is annoying, but you move on. Med school is super tough and the course load is the major distraction from all that. So, I wouldn't worry about it.

That's what I've become. Some how, I missed out on fitting in to a particular clique, so now I just sorta hang out with anyone around.

Med school isn't a place you go to make friends. You go there to get your degree and then get out....That said, once I got out, I don't really talk to most of those people anymore and I prefer it this way. 👍

For some reason, I expected med school to be a time to make some very, very good friends that I would have a solid relationship with for the rest of my career. Unfortunately, this has not been remotely close to how reality worked out, but at least I did realize how my friends from before med school and my S.O. are what really count anyways.

 

[WellWornLad]

What the **** is this? It took me about two seconds to make friends...

If it only takes two seconds for you to move someone from the "stranger" category to the "friend" category, you likely have a very different definition of "friend" than the OP (and myself, for that matter).

 

[UCSF2012]

I've been at my school and new town for a more than a month now and am still having difficulty transitioning. I thought it would get better after a few weeks, but it hasn't yet. I chose to attend my school for significant financial reasons even though I had options that I felt I would fit in better at (in terms of student body / location). I find myself feeling very isolated. People are friendly, but in a superficial way. I feel like there are very few to no people that share the interests that I'm passionate about. I am now in a location that is isolated geographically from larger cities and my main social network (if I want to be around people from my age group) would have to come from my school. The town is quite homogeneous with regards to race / ethnicity and is also pretty conservative. In terms of my classmates, I'm on friendly terms with everyone, but just haven't found like-minded people about the things that I care about. I also thought that things would get better once classes started since I'd be too busy studying to dwell on anything that was less-than-ideal. Classes have been going on for weeks now and things haven't gotten better. I tend to just feel slightly depressed about the lack of things to be excited about.

I obviously can't change my location or my school. Transfering would be incredibly difficult, plus I still think I made a wise decision in school-choice from a debt-load perspective. Since I'll be here for four years, I really want to try to to be happy (or at least resigned) with being here and make the most out of it. I think that I what I most need to do is lower my expectations about life during med school. I think I need to get it ingrained into my head that I am only here to study / learn / earn my MD and that I'm not here to enjoy life. I need to keep telling myself to stop whining about what's not here, and to 'suck it up.' I need to focus on getting everything done as well as possible so I can get good opportunities to leave the area for residency. Sometimes I get distracted by wishing I were happier, wasting energy that I could be devoting to studying. Help for maintaining the proper realistic perspective, please?

Would you care to elaborate on more specifics of what's going on? I know how you feel, but I don't have an understanding of what made you feel that way. Concrete examples perhaps.