Need help proof reading financial aid appeal letter

Discussion in 'Financial Aid' started by Lakers1, Jan 5, 2009.

  1. Lakers1

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    .My name is Damon and I am very devastated by the news of my financial aid suspension. I am writing this in the hope that you will reconsider your decision to suspend my financial aid. I would like to begin thanking you in advance for taking the time to read this letter and consider my request to reinstate my financial aid at CCP. I apologize for the lack of attention to my courses in previous semesters and I do not blame anyone but myself for this very sad consequence, however, I wish to explain the circumstaces which distracted me from my studies..
    . The spring and summer semesters of 2008 were very overwhelming and stressful time in my life because my younger brother who attended Mark Kepple High School began hanging around the wrong crowd. He started skipping school, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, and not coming home every night. Because he was spiraling out of control, the school often called home to inform us that he been ditching schoool, therefore failing all his classes and missing the High School Exit Exams, and to set up parent conferences with the principal. Besides from going to the parent conferences, my mother and I went to the police station to the police station to file a missing person report because we did not know where he was for five days and thought that the worst had happended, I also had to walk him to his first period class each day to make sure he was in school which the principal advised me to do, and because he often missed curfew I had to drive around town to look for him. Because of this situation there were many sleepless night and my family and I couldn't concentrate on our work and studies. Unfortunately, this often necessistated me to miss class, submission deadlines, and a great deal of study time. Meanwhile, the financial hardships at school were affecting me mentally as much as in my daily routine. On July 3, 2008 my brother used my car to go to CCP to take an assessment test. Because I had an early class I take the bus to school while my brother had to take my two little brothers to school and mother to work. When classes ended that day I went to my car to go home but to only find a parking ticket, a big orange shoe on one wheel, and a red tag telling me to pay three hundred fifty-five dollars before I can get my car back. Since I had no money on me at the time I called my older brother to loan me four hundred dollars to pay off the parking tickets he had gotten for not buying a daily parking permit. After paying it off, on July 7, 2008 I cashed my financial aid check and gave everything to my brother for helping me pay off the parking tickets. Of course, this left me with no money to buy books, making keeping up in the class nearly impossible. It was very difficult for me to concentrate and do well in my classes when I had to put my family ahead of myself. Because of that I withdrew from my courses because it was hard to study without any books or do any homework and when I went to the libraray to check out the books they were either checked out or you can only checked them out two hours at a time for library use only and I always paid fees for checking out the books too long. My grades in the fall of 2007 through the summer of 2008 doesn't reflect my potential abilities. In the spring of 2006 I was able to afford books and passed with two A's and a B. Although there have been many family obligations that I chose to focus on instead of my studies, I completely take responsibility for my performance. I understand that no matter what my circumstances are it is my responsibility to keep my grades satisfactory to receive financial aid. I do realize that I neglected my studies and I would like another chance to do better in them. Education has always been an integral part of my life and I am willing to fight for the opportunity to continue my studies. This is the point in my life when I truly realize who I want to become and what I have to do to achieve it. My situation has changed greatly since my family obligations were interferring with my studies. I've learned how to balance out the many stresses that come in my life and it reflects on the quality and effort I put into my school work. My younger brother who was spiraling out of control has since gotten his life back on track. He now attends a new school Century High School, his teachers call home to inform us that he's doing great in class, and is also workiing part time. I firmly believe that I will be able to complete my studies successfully. I have compiled a list of steps I need to take in order to be successful in school: 1) I will obtain a tutor for classes I find difficult. 2) Meet with each of my instructors to find out what would make me a better student in their class. 3) I will continue to work on my time management, so that I can balance my family and studies together. 4) I will go to classes to take advantage of what they have to offer..
    . My goal is to earn a Certificate of Achievement in the Paralegal Studies Program and transfer to Cal Poly Pomona to earn a degree in Business Administrationg with a minor in Computer Information System. This is very important to me and without financial aid, I lack the financial ability to do this. I am sure that you know what a huge honor and accomplishment it is to obtain a degree. Education is extremely important to me and I am a student who is very serious about my future and dthe upcoming semester will prove so. Regardless of my previous poor work ethic, I am a mature person and if given a chance, I will display that what I had done in the past academically was not only a mistake, but a mistake that will never be made again. There isn't anything else that I want more than to obtain a degree. I've learned a valuable lesson and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get my financial aid back and maintain it. I promise to keep up with my grades and complete every class that I attempt. If allowed a second chance with financial aid I will complete me degree in about two years. Without this enormous blessing it would take me twice as long if I had to pay for it myself. Therefore, I would humbly request this committee to give me one last chance to continue receiving financial aid to continue my studies uninteruptedly so that I can prove myself that I have what it takes to follow my dream..
    . .
    .Thank you for your time and consideration,.
    .Damon.
    . .
     
  2. TMP-SMX

    TMP-SMX Senior Member
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    Administration not Administrationg. Is it Computer Information System or Systems. Also, put in some paragraphs! Nobody likes to read a sea of text. Have someone in your wonderful family proofread your letter. I'd also recommend you keep the excuses to a minimum and make the whole thing much more concise. Also, why are you saying my name is Damon as your introduction? Make sure in the actual letter you put your full name and write the proper letter introduction stating who you are addressing the letter to.
     
  3. scottyT

    scottyT Real Member
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    This definitely needs some paragraph delineation. It is overall entirely too whiny and droning. You should probably visit the writing center at your community college and work with them a bit.

    This little nugget is quite a gem and made me laugh a bit. There is no way you can possibly blame your brother for $350 in parking tickets if he used your car once and parked in the wrong spot.

    You should probably take out the detailed narrative and just say that you had substantial family hardship and had to assume a paternal role in addition to your academic responsibilities. This resulted in a burdensome schedule that allowed you minimal time to study or money for living expenses.

    Seriously, try to visit your college writing center for some help.
     
  4. theilleztpaki

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