Need some advise

[woodlawn76]

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For those of you who have been through this, need some help. Only through the first part of the first year, and things are already going a bit sour. Been married for several years prior to my spouse getting into med school. Is it typical of medical students in general (first years in particular) to sort of lose sense that they are still involved in a relationship? I was keenly aware that I would have to support us and do way more around the house. But now, regardless of whatever it is (help with some chores or grocery shopping, say) is met with "no time, going to the library." Is this sort of thing typical?

 

[xanthines]

Unfortunately, I do think this is pretty typical and common. While the first year is probably the easiest to handle in material, it's the hardest to deal with since it's quite a shock. After your spouse gets through a few tests, then hopefully things will get better as they learn to manage time better. In the meantime, be as supportive and understanding as best as you can stand it. 🙂

You could try talking to him/her about it, but I'm not sure if it would do much good. 🙁 Depends on the person, though....

Good luck!

-X

 

[woodlawn76]

Thanks for the response. I was wondering if this had more to do with the shock of everything.

We actually just managed to negotiate a few minutes each day of pointless chatter about our respective days. Good enough for me, really, I just didn't want to keep feeling like I was totally on my own.

 

[LadyMoreta]

Hi! I'm sorry to hear that you guys are having a tough year. It can be really difficult for them, especially if they've never really been challenged. I'm glad you have worked out some time together. We found that dinner time was great for catching up. We'd try to cook at home and eat at the table at least once or twice a week, and we would try to have a date night once a week. It might freak him out a little at first to think of giving up a whopping four hours a week 😉 but it's definitely worth it for both of you.

Since he probably didn't have to study as much in undergrad, he probably never really developed the study skills that he needs to do well in medical school. What my husband would do is plan his studying before he actually sat down with the book. He would decide "I'll get through this chapter, then have a 20 minute break" or "I'll study between 4:00 and 6:00, then be done for the night." Things like that really helped because there was a definite end point, and after that he didn't have to feel stressed or guilty for not studying. Studying isn't something like writing a paper, where it's obvious that you're "Done", so it's kind of hard for students to stop. They think that more is better, but after awhile, there are sharply diminishing returns. If they focus for a set number of hours (with short breaks in between) and know that's all they have, they do better than when they just try to study constantly. A time management or study skills book might help him learn some better study methods.

This is a difficult time for him, and he will need your support and patience. But it is equally important that he treat you with love and respect as well. The next 8 years will be as tough for you as for him, just in a different way, and you will need him to be there for you. He's fulfilling his dream, but you're "suffering the consequences" of it. It will be an adventure, and it can be fun if he is willing to make you a part of it.