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MDwife

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Hello,
I just got the news that this kind of forum exists! I am hoping to get some support in order to survive my husband's ob-gyn residency which is starting tomorrow :D.
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I'm also new to this forum, and my husband just started a family practice residency. Do you have any kids? :luck:
 
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Yes! We have a 7-month old daughter :D who is veeeeery attached to her daddy.
 
My fiance just started residency and I moved across the state to be with him and don't know that many people in town. We move into our new house this week, but I feel like I haven't seen him much at all.

I'm very independent and am not a whiny person. I have a law degree and left a great job to move, without any friends here, and am now settling into our home. I'm also looking for a new job. Without being busy, I find I have more time to ruminate on what I would be doing in my old job, with my friends, or what Kyle and I would be doing together if he weren't at the hospital.

It gets better, right?
 
It is all what you make of it. We (and I do mean we) just finished up the wife's 5 year residency, which had four major moves included (Austin to Dallas to Louisville, KY to Durham, NC). I'm in a different position as a male trailing spouse, but it takes patience, perseverance and steadfastness. I'd also recommend having a job; I'm a CPA, so finding work was never an issue.

Hang in there; while it isn't easy, it isn't as tough as people make it out to be!
 
Yes "Grace", it does get easier . . . and harder! You will make friends with other couples within your Residency Program and share concerns and laughs over the unique challenges of living with a resident. And you will have moments when the length of residency will seem unending. Once you find a job, you will have that to occupy your time. With each move that we have made (Dallas to Wichita to Indiana to Iowa) I've driven myself nuts organizing the house the first month because I didn't know anyone in town. When you start meeting people and finding your way around, you will settle in.
 
We were very lucky that my husband got into the residency program close to our home so no moving required! :)
I am occipied with my work, the baby, and my sister and her family live two streets away from me so I am never bored.
The residency will be 4 years long, and I am sure there will be tough times, but a positive attitude is a prerequisite. Since the program is assigning vataion times, I am already booking our first trip.

To the lady whose fiance is a resident - get married (it's easier to be a patient partner to a husband vs. to a fiance), get a job, have kids. Time goes by fast, you are not getting any younger :hardy:
 
MDwife said:
Yes! We have a 7-month old daughter :D who is veeeeery attached to her daddy.
Click to expand...

Shouldve procreated with a pathologist then, home at 5pm, weekends off, etc.
 
Ahem.

Residency can be :)cry:) a marriage killer... been there, done that.

One of the most important things to note is that if your relationship has any 'flaws', residency will make them more dominant over the good parts of your relationship. Get your daily issues delt with quicky, identify what bothers you and get it out in the open so those issues don't fester in your thoughts. DON'T NAG!!!

Don't whine or cry to your mother/sister/brother/friend about your problems behind your SO's back - this is a No-No! With your SO: talk, argue, solve, move on...

Never, never, ever, say this: "What about my needs?"

Don't confuse personal debt with professional debt. Live within your means, only borrow money for emergencies.

Network with others who have SO's in residency. You don't need to make friends of everybody, just have a few people to talk to about it all so you don't feel isolated.

Find something to do that contributes to your relationship, do not just sit around the house, this can be brutal. Get a job, work on personal skills, get yourself back in school, etc. If you have children, get them out of the house as well. Network with parents with similarly aged kids as your own, share parental duties.

GET SEVERAL BABYSITTERS THAT YOU CAN TRUST - USE THEM.

Stop watching Oprah, seriously. Turn off the tv. Stay in shape. Exercise, learn to jog, play tennis, sweat out those harsh days.

Have rip-roaring sex with your SO, whenever possible.
 
LADoc00, you are as funny as a pathologist's day.
 
Danbo1957 said:
Ahem.

Residency can be :)cry:) a marriage killer... been there, done that.

One of the most important things to note is that if your relationship has any 'flaws', residency will make them more dominant over the good parts of your relationship. Get your daily issues delt with quicky, identify what bothers you and get it out in the open so those issues don't fester in your thoughts. DON'T NAG!!!

Don't whine or cry to your mother/sister/brother/friend about your problems behind your SO's back - this is a No-No! With your SO: talk, argue, solve, move on...

Never, never, ever, say this: "What about my needs?"

Don't confuse personal debt with professional debt. Live within your means, only borrow money for emergencies.

Network with others who have SO's in residency. You don't need to make friends of everybody, just have a few people to talk to about it all so you don't feel isolated.

Find something to do that contributes to your relationship, do not just sit around the house, this can be brutal. Get a job, work on personal skills, get yourself back in school, etc. If you have children, get them out of the house as well. Network with parents with similarly aged kids as your own, share parental duties.

GET SEVERAL BABYSITTERS THAT YOU CAN TRUST - USE THEM.

Stop watching Oprah, seriously. Turn off the tv. Stay in shape. Exercise, learn to jog, play tennis, sweat out those harsh days.

Have rip-roaring sex with your SO, whenever possible.
Click to expand...

Best advice I've seen in a long time. I bet no one pays attention . . .
 
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Danbo1957 said:
Ahem.

Residency can be :)cry:) a marriage killer... been there, done that.

One of the most important things to note is that if your relationship has any 'flaws', residency will make them more dominant over the good parts of your relationship. Get your daily issues delt with quicky, identify what bothers you and get it out in the open so those issues don't fester in your thoughts. DON'T NAG!!!

Don't whine or cry to your mother/sister/brother/friend about your problems behind your SO's back - this is a No-No! With your SO: talk, argue, solve, move on...

Never, never, ever, say this: "What about my needs?"

Don't confuse personal debt with professional debt. Live within your means, only borrow money for emergencies.

Network with others who have SO's in residency. You don't need to make friends of everybody, just have a few people to talk to about it all so you don't feel isolated.

Find something to do that contributes to your relationship, do not just sit around the house, this can be brutal. Get a job, work on personal skills, get yourself back in school, etc. If you have children, get them out of the house as well. Network with parents with similarly aged kids as your own, share parental duties.

GET SEVERAL BABYSITTERS THAT YOU CAN TRUST - USE THEM.

Stop watching Oprah, seriously. Turn off the tv. Stay in shape. Exercise, learn to jog, play tennis, sweat out those harsh days.

Have rip-roaring sex with your SO, whenever possible.
Click to expand...

I'm bookmarking this. I think it is great advice for any marriage. Maybe it could become.....

The marriage "code"....?
 
MDwife said:
Hello,
I just got the news that this kind of forum exists! I am hoping to get some support in order to survive my husband's ob-gyn residency which is starting tomorrow :D.
Click to expand...

OB GYN is a tough residency for spouses. My wife is in her second year now. One of the hardest things for me was the sleep. She was tired almost all the time. I learned though that when she's sleeping it's the same as not being home. Don't feel trapped by it.

For example, she is on night flow and has been home sleeping all day today. I'm treating it like she's at work. I was at the office most of the day and now I'm working at home, but I learned to stop thinking that I have to be here when she's post call or on night flow. Their sleeping anyway they'll never know

Also, I don't know if it's OB/GYN specific, but when they get together all they do is talk shop. If I have to hear one more vagina story I'm going to kill myself (16 year old me would have never have guessed I'd say that). I assume that is with every Dr. but it seems OBs have the worst stories.
 
im a man, like hotties
 
Last edited:
Hello,
This is my first time posting to here also. I wish you luck my boyfriend is now only entering his second year of med school but we are also long distance. It has been a rough first year but we are slowly getting better at working on what each other needs are! I wish you the best of luck!
 
Danbo1957 said:
Don't whine or cry to your mother/sister/brother/friend about your problems behind your SO's back - this is a No-No! With your SO: talk, argue, solve, move on...

Never, never, ever, say this: "What about my needs?"
Click to expand...

I'm not sure I understand these two. Spouses certainly have needs; why would you advise them to hide them from family and friends (who could be supportive) and from the spouse him/herself?

As a spouse, "What about my needs?" (perhaps worded more elegantly) seems a reasonable question that both people should think about. (Even if the answer is "Just try to make it through this tough time, I'll pull more of my own weight later.")

Help, anyone?
 
It is reasonable, actually. The only problem is that most Dr's (and med students) aren't very reasonable when they've just worked a 36hr shift and admitted 20 patients (yes, yes, I know there are caps, but not everywhere!). They're tired, cranky, and frankly just non-sensical sometimes.

The "Never, never, ever" part might have been excessive, though. :)

-X

dotdash said:
As a spouse, "What about my needs?" (perhaps worded more elegantly) seems a reasonable question that both people should think about.
Click to expand...
 
I have found a lot of good ideas and support of medicalspouse.com

My husband is in his first year of medical school in California and I am in Oregon (I have a teaching job) and our kids are out of high school and either in college or finished with college. You can do the math - we are OLD!!!

I decided to stay here with our long-established social support and work and we visit each other monthly. He will be down there for two years and then back in the Nowthwest for years 3 & 4 rotations. I am glad that I am not waiting for him to come home and then watching him study although I do miss him.
 
How wonderful to hear another mature voice. My husband just started his 4th med school year and we are both in our early 40s. We have 2 pre-teen daughters, so luckily for them, he was able to go to a local school. I have found, however, that having my husband around during these years has been a mixed blessing -- while it is wonderful to remain together, his stress is my stress, which is difficult.

What made your husband go back, may I ask? I'm also curious about how he finds the challenges of going back to school.... I can't say it was easy for my husband.
 
He was a teacher for 20 years and had actually applied to medical school while living in Europe in the mid-eighties. Then we got married/had three children and had a full course of family life. Teaching suited our ideas of parenting well as we were home during all of the school holidays and could have a lot of time with our children. The idea of medical school never went away (we have close friends who are osteopathic pysicians) and when our youngest was a junior in high school he took science pre-reqs, MCAT etc and did well. Completed applications to three schools (we had geographic ideas) and was accepted to two. He will turn 50 in December. He is very fit and active and is enjoying it immensely. Our children got to watch him study hard and follow a dream and I think it has been a good experience for them too.

Best of luck to all
 
I am new to this as well, but I think it is so important to have a forum such as this. My wife will be starting OB residency in May 09, and then I will go back to grad school. Any tips from people for making things work through externships and away rotations? I find myself really struggling with the "getting my needs met" part. Also, does anyone ever find themselves selfishly thinking that they are glad a little bit when their spouse leaves for a long night or externship because then YOU get a break from medical school? I feel bad for even thinking, it, but that is point I am at. Is this normal? Feedback if anyone has it, thanks!
 
I understand that feeling entirely! For me it's not the med school content (which is interesting -- X patient has this, Y died, etc.) but the exam stress. There's *always* some exam, and then not only is family time gone, but a big black stress cloud descends over my husband and expands to fill the house. At times I have seriously considered renting him a hotel room for a few nights so he can study in quarantine.
 
I know people who have done that. I agree with you, the never ending exam anticipation can be a real stressor. It took me and my wife a long time to figure out what I should do when she is studying. But I think it is important that we are there AFTER they are done studying. No doubt it is not fun. And never ending!
 
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