Non-MD Significant others -- Impossible?

[qtrlifecrisis]

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This may sound like a very trivial concern, but here goes. I'm applying in the 2008 cycle, and really want to go to an urban med school so my significant other can find a job in the urban area and we don't have to split up. We have a v. strong relationship, but neither of us believes in long distance relationships, and this worries me cos I think we might have to split up if we're at opposite ends of the country.

What's worse is that I've recently heard that MDs end up dating/marrying MDs as only they truly understand the rigors of the profession blah blah...my SO is going the corporate route, so I think it's important we're in the same city to stay together despite our polar-opposite super busy schedules.

It's not like I'm going to have many schools to choose from in the first place, and now I have to coordinate with my SO. Moreover, I'm an international student and my SO is basically my support system. I honestly think I will lose it if we're miles apart while I'm in med school. I'm rambling, but does anyone else have a similar problem? What are your thoughts on MD/non-MD pairings?

 

[alwaysaangel]

I see nothing wrong with MD-nonMD pairings. You'll compliment each other better, and personally I'd much rather go home to someone who's not in medical school than someone who is. They'll understand enough, but they'll also be an escape.

I will be in a long-distance relationship for at least 2/4 years of medical school with my SO. Neither of us are too terribly concerned about it. We know we are strong enough.

If you don't think you can manage being apart then you need to apply super broadly in big cities so you can be together. But I would try to make sure you can make it without him if you have to. 1) If you get in somewhere he can't get a job you may NEED to do it without him. And 2) What if you broke up in the middle of medical school? If you look on him as your ONLY support then you are going to fall apart if that happens - not a good thing while in medical school.

Just make sure you do everything possible to make it work, but I would honestly make an effort to become at least a little less dependent on him. To feel like you'll fall apart without him is not a good thing. Try skype for international calling - works great as long as both parties have computers with microphones and its free!

Good luck and I hope things work out.

 

[Ladyfingers]

My boyfriend is completely different from me educationally and somewhat interest wise. I think it is the best and couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone who was doing the same thing as me. We are moving wherever I go to med school together. We have been together a long time though (almost 7 years) and so that might make a big difference. I think it is great that you are trying to accomodate your SO and as long as they are willing to also give a little to accomodate you it should work out. Just talk to them about possible places that you may have to move and see what they think about it.

good luck!

 

[qtrlifecrisis]

Thanks for the support!

I know I would be fine without my SO around-- I want us to be in the same geographic location cos it'd just be more fun.

I agree with ladyfingers about the separate-career thing... Having different career paths gives us a lot to talk about, and I like having something that's just mine. Being pre-med sort of gives me my space, if that makes any sense.

 

[Law2Doc]

What's worse is that I've recently heard that MDs end up dating/marrying MDs as only they truly understand the rigors of the profession blah blah...

The majority of marriages of MDs is not to other MDs. It's good for SOs/spouses to have different things to talk about than medicine, and good if (as in Seinfeld) worlds don't collide. The only issue is that people outside of med school are going to feel neglected at times, and have to miss various events, parties etc or go alone while the other is in med school, and so the non-med person in the relationship had better be awfully understanding.

 

[shivasHeroLike]

nothing wrong with the mix. in fact i prefer the difference in career

makes it more interesting to learn about each other's worlds.

 

[Dookter]

This may sound like a very trivial concern, but here goes. I'm applying in the 2008 cycle, and really want to go to an urban med school so my significant other can find a job in the urban area and we don't have to split up. We have a v. strong relationship, but neither of us believes in long distance relationships, and this worries me cos I think we might have to split up if we're at opposite ends of the country.

What's worse is that I've recently heard that MDs end up dating/marrying MDs as only they truly understand the rigors of the profession blah blah...my SO is going the corporate route, so I think it's important we're in the same city to stay together despite our polar-opposite super busy schedules.

It's not like I'm going to have many schools to choose from in the first place, and now I have to coordinate with my SO. Moreover, I'm an international student and my SO is basically my support system. I honestly think I will lose it if we're miles apart while I'm in med school. I'm rambling, but does anyone else have a similar problem? What are your thoughts on MD/non-MD pairings?

It can definitely work having a SO that is not an MD. Actually, most of the doctors I know personally [which are not that many, I'll admit] are not married to other doctors. I'm not a doctor yet, but I will be soon enough, so I guess even I count in that group since my fiance is going to be a high school teacher.

 

[karakhanyan]

Hi!

Don't worry about labels. My husband is a gymnast who was raised "Soviet Union" style, so if there is one thing he understands is that when you have a goal, you just have to "dive in" head first if you want to achieve it. He has been my rock during this whole pre-med frenzy and has brought me back to reality many times (especially when I feel like a loser for not understanding Newtonian Mechanics).

Remember: it is NOT your profession that will determine the strength of your relationship. What truly matters is that both of you REALLY understand what's at stake and how much you are willing to sacrifice for that. Sometimes the answer can be surprisingly sad, and at other times, you can indeed proceed towards a "happily ever after" ending; but as long as things are kept real (and you are honest with each other), things WILL work out.

Be strong and be there for each other, NEVER go to bed with unresolved issues, and keep it real and honest. Those are my 2 cents...

Juliana

 

[amathew]

I can't say about the non-MD significant other, but I can speak on long distance relationship. I started dating my boyfriend my junior year right when he moved to Chicago for his rotations and now he's in Michigan for his residency. It's been a long distance relationship for 3 years. And there are ups and downs, as in there are things in my life he couldn't attend, and events in his life I couldn't. But at the same time, it helped me be not so dependent on him. We both had our own lives.

I have another friend who's been with her bf for 4 years in a long distance relationship...she's a med student now and he's in business. She's in Philly, he's in Cali, and they're doing great.

What I'm saying is - if you really care for your partner, then the distance shouldn't make a difference. As long as you both understand each other's schedules and not demand their presence when the other really can't make it. It's a lot of work, but for the right person, its worth it.

 

[blue flowers]

I don't think you need to worry about the relationship status quo for med students/doctors as much as you need to concentrate on what is right for you. This goes for anyone in a relationship. People define their relationships in all sorts of ways, so I don't think there can be a standard. It doesn't matter how many other people have successful long distance relationships; if it makes you miserable, it's not worth it. However, if you are so happy with your SO that distance doesn't matter, you may find that being in a LD relationship isn't as bad as you expect, and you choose to stay "together." What's most important is that your situation works for you (and your SO), so stay true to what you want, communicate with your SO about what he/she wants, and acknowledge that some things may be beyond your control. If you are both on the same page and willing to make some compromises (NOT sacrifices-- it's an important distinction) then you should be able to be reasonably happy with whatever you decide, even if the situation is less than ideal. If you can’t maintain a relationship in a way that works for both you and your SO, then it’s ultimately not the right relationship for you.

Another thing to consider is that medical school is difficult and time consuming. Again, this could work both ways: If you spend 90% of your waking hours at school studying, living with your SO may be the only way you get to spend any time with them. However, if you have to be apart, you know you wouldn't otherwise be spending all your time together, so you can concentrate on making the visits really meaningful. Think about both of these situations in relationship to you and your SO. Is one of them obviously more indicative of how you operate? If so, then it’s probably the right choice for you; if not, then maybe this decision isn’t as ultimate as you first thought.



I know that in my case, being in a good relationship has helped me be able to work hard and accomplish what I have. My SO is not a med/pre-med, but he is equally dedicated to his career (music), which is quite possibly even harder to succeed in than medicine. The differences in our lives give us the ability to support each other when we need it because we are NOT going through the same things. When I get stressed, it doesn't transfer to him, so he can be there for me 100%. When he gets stressed, I am likewise detached from his situation enough to be there 100% for him. While he may not understand first hand the things I am doing, he understands their importance to me, and when we spend time together it is a much-appreciated break from medicine. Plus, I know that if I can explain the things I am learning to someone with no background in science, I must have a good grasp on what I am saying!

As for schools, I am lucky enough to have choices in where to go to medical school, and I am choosing to stay with my SO even though my 2 top choice schools are in other cities. I know that the school I will most likely be attending is still an excellent place where I will be able to get a good education, and I believe that I will be a better med student with my support system intact. If I had been making this decision at 22 when I graduated from college, I know I would have chosen differently, but then again, I would not have the choices that I do if it hadn't been for my SO. His emotional support has been key to my success as a post-bac, and the difference in my collegiate vs. post-bac record reflects this. So for me, this is an easy compromise to make (although I have still spent many hours contemplating it!): I know I will be happier living with my SO, and this will be a huge benefit during my medical education. And I am making this decision knowing that if I had chosen otherwise, my SO was willing to make the best of a difficult situation and stick out a LDR because he values our relationship so highly. If he hadn't been willing to make that more difficult compromise, I might have chosen to attend school in a different city since I wouldn't have felt as confident in my relationship. As it is, I know that I am not sacrificing anything by staying: I get to live with a man who feels as strongly about me as I do about him, and I will attend an excellent med school (even though it wasn't my top choice).

 

[Cirrus83]

If you work hard at it, not very many things are really impossible.

Really the only thing about marrying someone who's not an MD is whether or not they "get" the amount of time you have to commit. As long as they can accept that, it'll be OK.

Of course, if you don't make a decent effort to try and give them enough time anyway it'd be kinda hard lol.

 

[GreyBlueEyes]

Remember: it is NOT your profession that will determine the strength of your relationship. What truly matters is that both of you REALLY understand what's at stake and how much you are willing to sacrifice for that. Sometimes the answer can be surprisingly sad, and at other times, you can indeed proceed towards a "happily ever after" ending; but as long as things are kept real (and you are honest with each other), things WILL work out.

👍

my husband's active duty, a reactor technician. he may not have been through med school, but he knows i've shouldered the load during deployments, transfers, etc. he said the least he can do is let our lives revolve around my career goals for awhile 😉 he's more than willing to take on the lion's share of housework and caring for the kids while i do this thing.

the key is being *partners*...and not keeping score as if you were on opposite sides. we work together for the better of our family.

 

[sprinkibrio]

Really talk and talk and talk about when and where you are coming back together if you must be long-distance with each other. And better yet, talk and talk and talk about what are acceptable sacrifices for the both of you so that you will never have to be long-distance. This is the time when you have to ask yourself, am I going to marry this guy someday? Because if you aren't sure if you want to be with him for the rest of your life, you're not going to be willing to make as many sacrifices, some of which might be necessary. Usually I have found that the guys are much less sure of the marriage question this early (after all they still have many more years of fertility) and want to be the breadwinners (so their job, even non-existant job means a lot to them) and hence, make less sacrifices. So BE CAREFUL!

I am most likely NOT going to a medical school where my boyfriend (a 33 yr old already set in his job and cant quit b/c his company will match his 401k investments in a few yrs) can join me, although I have the choice and this is why: I have set aside enough money to go anywhere I want, but I am choosing a med school that's cheap and where I got a scholarship so that I can to save ~$150,000. Now to clarify, that is cash in the bank, not fewer loans. My boyfriend told me that sacrificing this amount of money to go to a school where we could both live together is not worth it. In the end, we will be married and the money will be "ours" to some extent. He feels we as a couple are strong enough to last AND have a bunch of money in the bank and I agree.

 

[Instatewaiter]

My thoughts and quasi-solicited advice

The majority of doctors do not marry doctors. Honestly it is probably better that way. Be happy your SO is not in med school.

Med school is very time consuming and can be stressful for a relationship. If both of you come in knowing that, your relationship should be fine. Make sure to set aside time for each other 'casue it is easy to get caught up w/ studying.

It was difficult at first w/ my SO. She had problems understanding the time commitment and I had difficulties leaving my work behind. Just setting aside time for each other is not enough if you are constantly thinking about all the work you have to do. You need to make a distinct separation btw study time and play time. When you leave the libarary, try to stop thinking of work. This is easier said than done but will really make the time you have together count.

 

[melissainsd]

There has been a lot of good advice said. I would like to add two things.

1. Healthy, happy long distance relationships are possible. My husband and I were long distance for two years. I think it actually helped us form a stronger foundation, and when you are finally reunited...you will not take each other for granted.

2. There are very few sure things in life. Do not build your life around other people's needs, especially when you are not married yet. I know most of you will say that you are in a committed relationship and as good as married, but it really is not the same thing. My friend dropped out of her PhD program and moved across the country to be with her SO because she KNEW they were going to get married. Now she is single in a new town. Even marriage is not a sure thing. There are three things you can count on- taxes, love for your children, and death.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[blue flowers]

2. There are very few sure things in life. Do not build your life around other people's needs, especially when you are not married yet. I know most of you will say that you are in a committed relationship and as good as married, but it really is not the same thing. My friend dropped out of her PhD program and moved across the country to be with her SO because she KNEW they were going to get married. Now she is single in a new town. Even marriage is not a sure thing.

This is where I think the clarification between compromise and sacrifice needs to be made. Will you be giving up what you want for someone else's benefit, or will you be choosing a path on which you both are able to grow and pursue your goals while still maintaining your relationship? Relationships are 2-way streets. Acknowledging someone else's needs should not mean giving up your own. While the situation you choose may not be perfect (is perfect possible?), you should both be happy with it and contribute equally to making it work. If you are able to succeed in this, it will only strengthen your relationship in the long run.

 

[TMP-SMX]

Unless you want a day care child it's not the best idea to have a 2 MD family... There is often very little flexibility in the profession for children.

 

[KaraKiz]

Unless you want a day care child it's not the best idea to have a 2 MD family... There is often very little flexibility in the profession for children.

Agreed! The MD couples I know usually have full-time child-care help, sometimes live-in, depending on the specialties of the couple.

I am fortunate enough to have found a wonderful guy who is in the historical/political research profession who will be working from home and be a stay at home dad for our kids (he says its because he loves me and wants me to be happy, but I think its mostly because I'm a good cook) 🙂

 

[GreyBlueEyes]

Agreed! The MD couples I know usually have full-time child-care help, sometimes live-in, depending on the specialties of the couple.

I am fortunate enough to have found a wonderful guy who is in the historical/political research profession who will be working from home and be a stay at home dad for our kids (he says its because he loves me and wants me to be happy, but I think its mostly because I'm a good cook) 🙂

yay for stay-at-home dads! my husband is very pleased that his retirement from the military will coincide with the beginning of my medical career. he can't wait to be a stay-at-home dad 🙂 of course, they'll all be in school by then, but at least they'll have a parent home in the afternoons.

 

[szhao]

lol this is just me, but haha i have something against nonproductive people, stay home fine, but got to be productive in terms of society. haha for this reason i really dislike/even almost to the extent of hating my dad, but that is just me.

 

[GreyBlueEyes]

lol this is just me, but haha i have something against nonproductive people, stay home fine, but got to be productive in terms of society. haha for this reason i really dislike/even almost to the extent of hating my dad, but that is just me.

wow. well, my husband will have been active duty military for over 20 years at that point, which i'd say is pretty productive. he also has many productive hobbies, such as home improvement, scuba diving (he's considering becoming an instructor once he retires from the military), and being a private pilot.

there are other ways to be productive besides bringing home a big salary. i'm very grateful that he's willing to shoulder more of the load at home so that i can pursue my dreams without feeling that i'm neglecting or cheating my children.

 

[bubabugster]

I personally would prefer a fellow MD. I want somebody to actually REALLY understand what the career entails and someone who can understand the time constraints placed on the relationship and the difficulties of such a career. I def. have a much greater connection to premeds/meds than to people I have dated from other majors. They never seemed to understand much about what I was doing and could not relate, because they weren't motivated academically or getting anything done with their life. Or, if they tried to get something done it would occur at the pace of graphite turning into diamond. I felt like I was dealing with a completely different alien mind-set🙄 and if I get married, it will be an MD or a PhD. Ok, so maybe the issue is not so much that they were non-premeds so much as lazy jackasses that sat on their butts and stewed like couch potatoes (HAHAHA).

 

[melissainsd]

.

 

[melissainsd]

As a former "child care kid", I have to stand up for households with two working parents. I think daycare is good for kids. It isn't like I never saw my parents. On the contrary, we were, and remain, extremely close. However, daycare exposed me to other children and stimulation I would not have had otherwise. For example, because I was around older kids learning to read, I read at two years old.

I am not bashing families that choose to have a parent at home, but do not act like I will be compromising my child’s wellbeing by having him in daycare. The fact that he does a happy dance when he sees the daycare room is testament to how enjoyable he finds it. Besides, how interesting can it be to stare at my face 12 hours a day?

 

[jon stewart]

As a former "child care kid", I have to stand up for households with two working parents. I think daycare is good for kids. It isn't like I never saw my parents. On the contrary, we were, and remain, extremely close. However, daycare exposed me to other children and stimulation I would not have had otherwise. For example, because I was around older kids learning to read, I read at two years old.

I am not bashing families that choose to have a parent at home, but do not act like I will be compromising my child’s wellbeing by having him in daycare. The fact that he does a happy dance when he sees the daycare room is testament to how enjoyable he finds it. Besides, how interesting can it be to stare at my face 12 hours a day?

those were the days.........🙄

play time, nap time, home time!

 

[TMP-SMX]

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with both parents working. I'm saying that two physicians as parents leaves very little time for children. Most specialties leave very little time for parenting except possibly ER. Owning a clinic will mean 60 hours a week minimum. Somewhere there needs to be time for children, and it's not very much. There is a close connection between parents and child, and at certain developmental stages, proper care and nurturing are required from parents. Both of my parents worked, but they were always there in the late afternoon.

 

[psipsina]

lol this is just me, but haha i have something against nonproductive people, stay home fine, but got to be productive in terms of society. haha for this reason i really dislike/even almost to the extent of hating my dad, but that is just me.

I think that child rearing is definitely "productive in terms of society", whether it is the father or the mother staying home. I spent time in child care as a child and see nothing wrong with that either, but my husband is planning to stay home during the pre-school years and I think that is making a huge contribution to society via the next generation. My hubby is also planning on pursuing his passions, writing and acting, when my career takes can provide for us financially, which may never bring home the bacon, but I also believe that the arts are a huge part of society. I think staying home is only bad if one is sitting on the couch eating bon-bons all day ala peggy bundy.

As to the main idea of the thread, in my small experience in medschool (1 semester) having a non-science SO has been great. He sees what I'm going thru and entered the process with me expecting it to be what it is so he totally gets what I'm going thru. Its great to come home from being surrounded by medicine and my medstudent friends who talk about medicine all day to someone who can pull me out of it for a bit and talk about art or politics or what they did that day. Sometimes medschool is like when you spend too much time on SDN as a premed and you start to get panicky because you're drowning in pre-medness, you have to get out and do something that has nothing to do with becoming a doctor for a bit to stay sane, and a non medicine spouse is great at pulling you out of your medicine world every once in a while and keeping you sane. Its also great to be able to lean on them come exam time or other stressful times, my hubby makes sure I eat well and tells me when I clearly need to take a break or a nap and gives me back rubs which overall makes me the best medstudent I can be.

 

[medtastic]

Coming from a medical family, I am happy NOT to be with another doctor. When the MDs in my family get together, there's a lot of shop talk. I like that it's broken up by the non MDs. Keeps things interesting.

I haven't started school yet, and I'm sure I don't know how tough it will be. I'm counting on my husband's fresh perspective (he's a musician) to help me from getting sucked away into my books, which I would do left on my own.

There are pros and cons each way - I think it depends on your personality, and what you want in a relationship.

medtastic

 

[michaels]

My wife earned a bachelors in fine arts. That is a polar opposite from what a pre-med student experiences. It was really nice because I had someone to talk about something besides school with.

 

[KaraKiz]

My wife earned a bachelors in fine arts. That is a polar opposite from what a pre-med student experiences. It was really nice because I had someone to talk about something besides school with.

Agreed. My SO is an artist/musician/writer/dreamer type, I am a science/analytical/rational type. He is so different than me that it keeps everything interesting, and we always have things to teach each other. Plus he helps me arrange furniture and tells me when I am not dressing "cool" enough (I am from a family of foreigners and nerds - we have little fashion sense or style, but we can do calculus-based physics!)

 

[Falco2525]

My s.o. is applying for graduate programs in history...she is applying to the same schools at which I was accepted for medical school...hopefully she gets into the same ones...the issue is that I really want to be in Chicago but she might only get into Minnesota...then I will have to make a choice between the school I realy want and the girl I really want...I am just hoping that she gets into Chicago so we can both be there