Online dating and clinical work-- what if a client finds your profile?

[IC2OC]

Long-time lurker here,

I'm a first-year clinical PhD student who recently moved to a new area and wants to meet new people. I've been thinking about giving online dating a try, but I keep worrying about a future client (or, to a lesser extent, an undergrad I TA for) finding my profile and learning lots of personal information about me. For example, OKCupid asks questions about personal habits, sexual interests, religion, politics, alcohol/drug use, and a million other things I would never want to disclose in the therapy room (or any other professional context). I'm usually pretty careful about the information about myself I make available online, but the whole point of online dating is to share something personal with strangers. Although these sites allow me to make my page visible only to other members, that doesn't provide much security, since anyone can sign up for an account. Of course, it would be much harder for a client to "look me up" through a dating site than it would be via facebook, but it doesn't seem totally beyond the realm of possibility that a client could stumble upon my profile.

Have any of you tried online dating? Did you worry about a client/student/colleague finding your profile? Did you take any extra steps to make your profile more private (e.g., avoiding uploading pictures)? Or am I worrying about nothing? Thanks in advance-- I'd love to hear your thoughts/experiences!

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[Doctor Eliza]

I am a veteran of the online dating scene. I highly recommend it because that's how I met my husband!

I was a little looser with it in grad school because I was only seeing a few clients and none of them were doing online dating. It never came up (although in retrospect I would be more careful). After I graduated and started FT clinical work, I took my picture off my profile and (without stating my profession) said that I was happy to send a pic to any interested parties but due to my career I'd rather not post it publicly. This may have resulted in decreased interest in my profile, but I still met lots of people (including hubby).

Another option would be using eharmony which doesn't put your info all out there at the beginning (although, I wasn't a fan of that site).

Best,
Dr. E

And just an unsolicited bit of advice on dating sites based on my personal experience and that of friends and clients: if you want to find someone to date long-term, stick to sites you have to pay for. The free ones have a lot more folks looking for a quick fling.

 

[Pragma]

Oh wow, interesting. I've been married since before grad school so I never had to deal with that.

Facebook, etc. are easy enough to put limits on - or to have a really limited public profile. But dating sites seem very different to me - I mean, the main purpose is to find a relationship. Good luck, folks...

 

[EmotRegulation]

And just an unsolicited bit of advice on dating sites based on my personal experience and that of friends and clients: if you want to find someone to date long-term, stick to sites you have to pay for. The free ones have a lot more folks looking for a quick fling.

I actually disagree with Dr. Eliza on the latter point; I found far more people on (the paid) match.com who were looking for a fling than people on (free) OKCupid. I met my husband on OKCupid, and I have three friends in long term relationships due to OKCupid.

I also had a dating profile up during grad school and on internship, and I thought about what would happen if clients found it. Typically, I knew which of my clients were using online dating sites, and I put nothing up on my profile that I wouldn't be willing to share with an inquisitive client. Sharing what books, food, movies I like conveyed my personality without getting too personal. I think there is (was?) some setting on OKCupid where you can restrict the views of the personal questions (e.g. views on abortion, politics, marriage, etc.).

On internship I did have a client who was also doing online dating, and used OKCupid as well. I put my profile on "hold" for several months during that timeframe so that he couldn't find me, but by then I'd met people (including my now husband) and keeping myself on hold didn't affect my social life.

On a slight side bar, one of my top "matches" for awhile was a random grad school classmate I was not interested in, so that was weird.

 

[erg923]

Well, regarding the headline, "What if I client finds your profile?": My response is, so what? Psychologists are humans too. We date, We marry. We have families, children, dogs, etc. If a client sees that, then he will know you are just like the other 6 billion people on this planet. Big whoop. Obviously, don't disclose all your dirty secrets in your profile narrative, but I would advise against that no matter your profession.

If your client propositions you, that s different story, and I would simply handle that in the same way as if it happened in person before or after session. I wouldn't write him/her back on the site obviously, would bring it up at our next appt.

 

[ClinicalABA]

Psychologists are humans too.

References?

 

[LETSGONYR]

Well, regarding the headline, "What if I client finds your profile?": My response is, so what? Psychologists are humans too. We date, We marry. We have families, children, dogs, etc. If a client sees that, then he will know you are just like the other 6 billion people on this planet. Big whoop. Obviously, don't disclose all your dirty secrets in your profile narrative, but I would advise against that no matter your profession.

If your client propositions you, that s different story, and I would simply handle that in the same way as if it happened in person before or after session. I wouldn't write him/her back on the site obviously, would bring it up at our next appt.

I tend to agree with this. I tried online dating (though haven't had a profile in awhile, since I've met someone), and was wary about putting information online. As a gay man, especially. But I didn't answer any of the questions about sex just in case someone found the profile, etc. The other questions, I didn't really care about. On the other hand, I know someone in the field who had a profile and was much more explicit about their preferences (and had more provocative pictures), and they seem to be okay so far.

But also... I tend to work with kids, so I hope they wouldn't stumble across me on a dating site. .

 

[MBellows]

References?

I agree, great care needs to be taken when making broad claims like this because some humans may be upset by this.

 

[futureapppsy2]

What your client sees you at the grocery store in your sweatpants? Or at a wedding? Or out with friends? Or in the pharmacy? There's tons of opportunities to see clients outside of therapy when you may not be in full professional mode. It's life. Obviously, you shouldn't do anything wildly inappropriate, and it may be awkward for one or both of you, but I mean, you have to actually have some kind of life, seeing clients or no.

The only clinical job I had that put restrictions on outside of work activities was when I was doing substance misuse (MIP, dorm violations, etc) groups as a undergrad. We were strongly encouraged not to go to fraternity or house parties or to get wild in the bars, although it wasn't a strict ban (unless, of course, you were underage--if you got an MIP (or a DUI), there might have been an issue while working as a clinician in the program. It never came up, to my knowledge). But we stressed harm reduction, so we weren't expecting anyone to not drink ever, either.

 

[Poetic Silence]

Isn't that how Freud got most of his patients?

 

[Iwillheal]

References?

I.m. Weizass, 2011, Have We Been Wrong All These Years? Review of Literature. Journal of Low Paid Professionals, 33 (4), 2-98.

 

[IC2OC]

Thanks everyone! I feel a little better just knowing that others have thought through this. A couple thoughts...

What your client sees you at the grocery store in your sweatpants? Or at a wedding? Or out with friends? Or in the pharmacy? There's tons of opportunities to see clients outside of therapy when you may not be in full professional mode. It's life. Obviously, you shouldn't do anything wildly inappropriate, and it may be awkward for one or both of you, but I mean, you have to actually have some kind of life, seeing clients or no.

I would say that a client running across your online dating profile is a bit different than a client seeing you in some other social situation. Even with a tame profile (unfortunately, I don't have anything too wild to reveal anyway), a LOT more is disclosed in describing the things you value and the things you're looking for in a partner than would be disclosed if a client saw you in sweatpants or at a wedding or whatever. I do agree that seeing clients shouldn't keep you from living your life, it just gives you a few more things of which to be cognizant.

I put nothing up on my profile that I wouldn't be willing to share with an inquisitive client. Sharing what books, food, movies I like conveyed my personality without getting too personal.

I don't think I could make a profile with only info I'd be willing to share with a client. For example, I wouldn't want to share my sexual orientation, what I spend my time thinking about, or how I spend a typical Friday night. Even though none of these things are especially exciting in my case, my willingness to disclose to a client is pretty low (although, in all fairness, I also have very little experience with clients, first-year that I am).

I'm leaning towards giving it a go, and perhaps removing pictures or deactivating once I start doing more substantial clinical work next year... and who knows, online dating may be so effective that by then there will be no need for me to have a profile!

 

[erg923]

For example, I wouldn't want to share my sexual orientation, what I spend my time thinking about, or how I spend a typical Friday night. Even though none of these things are especially exciting in my case, my willingness to disclose to a client is pretty low (although, in all fairness, I also have very little experience with clients, first-year that I am).

Word to the wise. Patients appreciate humans, not one dimensional helpers.

When I encounter such rigidity in my supervisees (although I realize it well-intentioned), I always asked them the dreaded question: Well, Why? Whats that about?

 

[Sanman]

Word to the wise. Patients appreciate humans, not one dimensional helpers.

Indeed many people question why they are telling you the most intimate details of their life with you if you are unwilling to share the smallest details with them. I used to be much more worried about disclosure as a student. In the end, being comfortable in your own skin is impotant. However, you can't hide your life at every turn. As a grad student, I once ran into a client from the college couseling center, on my birthday, with a whiskey shot in my hand. I knew I could not be crazy there, but I could certainly have a few drinks at a bar on my birthday. I was told about a psychologist that ran into a client while be was shirtless, in leather pants, at a gay club. Life is unpredictible.

As for online dating, you don't need to get overly personal. However, there is nothing wrong with sharing what you like to do on a friday night (assuming it isn't dancing shirtless in leather pants). Allow people to get a glimpse of you (do you like quiet nights in or wild nights out? where do you like to spend your time?) without getting uncomfortable.

 

[PsychPhDone]

I met my boyfriend on OKCupid, has have at least 2 of my friends in my program. I had the same concerns you had, both about clients and students. (Incidentally, one of my friends has had former students contact her on OKCupid...barf. Didn't reply to those!) I decided that there are just some things I'd be okay with everyone knowing, client or not, like where I am originally from, that I work a damn lot, and that I like sushi (sorry, eharmony, that IS an important question). I made sure the pictures I posted were not MySpace shots, and I decided that my personal happiness would probably make me a better therapist.

Just don't post your favorite sexual positions and you'll probably be fine.

 

[IC2OC]

Word to the wise. Patients appreciate humans, not one dimensional helpers.

When I encounter such rigidity in my supervisees (although I realize it well-intentioned), I always asked them the dreaded question: Well, Why? Whats that about?

This is probably a conversation for another thread (or, more likely a conversation that's been had here before), but I've really been enjoying your perspectives on when and how much disclosure is appropriate. In my (again, very limited) experience, I've primarily heard one of two perspectives:

1. Minimize disclosure to the greatest extent possible. The simplest rationale I've heard for this is that disclosing information about yourself limits what the client is comfortable sharing (they may censor themselves to fall in line with what they perceive to be your beliefs/preferences).

2. Only disclose something if you have a good/specific reason to do so. I've never considered the broader goal of making yourself seem more multi-dimensional as a possible reason for disclosing, but that's really interesting to think about. There's probably some literature on disclosure and alliance-building out there that I should be reading!

I think I'm so hesitant to disclose largely because I haven't yet figured out the boundaries that I'm comfortable with, and until I do I'd rather err on the side of sharing less (since you can't unring a bell, etc.). But this discussion definitely reminds me that I have some more development to do in this arena, and it's certainly something I enjoy thinking about.

Sorry for the derailment. And thanks again for all of the opinions on the original question (I'm especially digging the success stories!).

 

[MBellows]

This is probably a conversation for another thread (or, more likely a conversation that's been had here before), but I've really been enjoying your perspectives on when and how much disclosure is appropriate. In my (again, very limited) experience, I've primarily heard one of two perspectives:

1. Minimize disclosure to the greatest extent possible. The simplest rationale I've heard for this is that disclosing information about yourself limits what the client is comfortable sharing (they may censor themselves to fall in line with what they perceive to be your beliefs/preferences).

2. Only disclose something if you have a good/specific reason to do so. I've never considered the broader goal of making yourself seem more multi-dimensional as a possible reason for disclosing, but that's really interesting to think about. There's probably some literature on disclosure and alliance-building out there that I should be reading!

I think I'm so hesitant to disclose largely because I haven't yet figured out the boundaries that I'm comfortable with, and until I do I'd rather err on the side of sharing less (since you can't unring a bell, etc.). But this discussion definitely reminds me that I have some more development to do in this arena, and it's certainly something I enjoy thinking about.

Sorry for the derailment. And thanks again for all of the opinions on the original question (I'm especially digging the success stories!).

There is a body of work out there about self disclosure. It also has to do with orientation. If you are a humanist your approach will vary from an analyst. Though I think it would be interesting to see an infographic on the levels of disclosure in different types of therapy settings and the evidence base for those therapies.

 

[Milk Milk Milk]

Word to the wise. Patients appreciate humans, not one dimensional helpers.

When I encounter such rigidity in my supervisees (although I realize it well-intentioned), I always asked them the dreaded question: Well, Why? Whats that about?

^ This. It's OK to be part of humanity as well as help it.

 

[Pragma]

Word to the wise. Patients appreciate humans, not one dimensional helpers.

When I encounter such rigidity in my supervisees (although I realize it well-intentioned), I always asked them the dreaded question: Well, Why? Whats that about?

There is an interesting article I recently read that discusses the benefits and drawbacks of disclosing details about yourself. The consensus seemed to be that if you are going to do it, there should be a good reason for it, and be aware that there could be unintended consequences. I'll post it when I get a chance.

Of course, I agree that small details aren't a huge deal. I wouldn't think twice about saying I went to a football game or ate some good sushi last weekend. But things that hit closer to home (e.g., I got a divorce too, I was a victim of trauma....) are more worthy of critique, IMO.

Erg the supervisor...now that's interesting

Edit: Here is that article I mentioned. There are plenty of other ones out there too. http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2005.00041.x/full

I believe there are also some specific papers about social media and psychologists as well.

 

[erg923]

My supervisor supervises my supervision in the counseling center here because I am only provisionally licensed in the state.

 

[Pragma]

My supervisor supervises my supervision in the counseling center here because I am only provisionally licensed in the state.

that is awesome

 

[erg923]

There is an interesting article I recently read that discusses the benefits and drawbacks of disclosing details about yourself. The consensus seemed to be that if you are going to do it, there should be a good reason for it, and be aware that there could be unintended consequences. I'll post it when I get a chance.

Of course, I agree that small details aren't a huge deal. I wouldn't think twice about saying I went to a football game or ate some good sushi last weekend. But things that hit closer to home (e.g., I got a divorce too, I was a victim of trauma....) are more worthy of critique, IMO.

Erg the supervisor...now that's interesting

Edit: Here is that article I mentioned. There are plenty of other ones out there too. http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2005.00041.x/full

I believe there are also some specific papers about social media and psychologists as well.

I get it, and I know full well things can backfire on you, but, I am who I am. And I take very seriously Carl Rogers stance on being genuine. All my clients (I only see people one day per week now) know I'm a Louisville fan, they know I'm married, and that I have no qualms about letting them know I was at the game this weekend...or whatever. Do I have a "good reason" to tell them that? I don't know. I guess not. But frankly, I'm not in grad school anymore and things like that just don't keep me up at night they way they used to.

 

[Doctor Eliza]

My very first supervisor (who was awful in many ways) was very much into the blank slate and loved all the Langs stuff on "the frame." She would tear you to shreds if said something slightly personal. For example, when I had to cancel a client to be out of town due to a dying relative, I told the client I had to be out of town for "a family emergency." I was criticized for revealing too much personal information.

She was way overboard, but I do think that it is important for less experienced therapists to err on the side of less self-disclosure. As previously mentioned, there can be unintended consequences and you are in a better position to both predict and recover from them with a little more experience. Also, I think many 1st year students have a hard time differentiating between being a therapist and friend (remember the guy on SDN who asserted that being a therapist was being paid to be a person's best friend?) Even newbie therapists who understand that that is not at all what therapy is about may have a hard time acting in a manner consistent with their knowledge.

Best,
Dr. E

 

[wigflip]

Perhaps this has been discussed above and I just somehow missed it, but I wonder if perhaps there's a gendered component here. Not that men don't have to be concerned about appropriate boundaries, or are somehow beyond being sexualized in the workplace. But these issues can play out in particular ways for women, who have special concerns about being sexualized/objectified in the workplace, and who also have particular concerns about being acknowledged as authority figures, especially by men.* I could understand female clinicians wanting to exercise extra caution with regards to disclosure (on or offline) for this reason.

*I don't have the citation handy, but I recall a study in which female physicians with male patients experienced more challenges to their authority than physicians in any of the other three groups (D = F Pt = F, D= M Pt = F, D = M Pt = M). I know, alert the media.

 

[Pragma]

Perhaps this has been discussed above and I just somehow missed it, but I wonder if perhaps there's a gendered component here. Not that men don't have to be concerned about appropriate boundaries, or are somehow beyond being sexualized in the workplace. But these issues can play out in particular ways for women, who have special concerns about being sexualized/objectified in the workplace, and who also have particular concerns about being acknowledged as authority figures, especially by men.* I could understand female clinicians wanting to exercise extra caution with regards to disclosure (on or offline) for this reason.

*I don't have the citation handy, but I recall a study in which female physicians with male patients experienced more challenges to their authority than physicians in any of the other three groups (D = F Pt = F, D= M Pt = F, D = M Pt = M). I know, alert the media.

I think the practical significance of this, at least from a clinical perspective, could be discussed more in training. I am sure it comes up in individual supervision for women, but I don't recall getting much guidance on appropriate ways to manage these situations as a male. Do you confront the sexist behavior - even if it is coming from someone who, say, had a brain injury? Do you file it away someplace to bring up later?

I think more discussion during didactics and such would be helpful for both men and women when it comes to challenges to females' authority. Opinions seems to vary a bit here on self-disclosure as well - but I'd think that would be an important supervision topic.

 

[AcronymAllergy]

My very first supervisor (who was awful in many ways) was very much into the blank slate and loved all the Langs stuff on "the frame." She would tear you to shreds if said something slightly personal. For example, when I had to cancel a client to be out of town due to a dying relative, I told the client I had to be out of town for "a family emergency." I was criticized for revealing too much personal information.

She was way overboard, but I do think that it is important for less experienced therapists to err on the side of less self-disclosure. As previously mentioned, there can be unintended consequences and you are in a better position to both predict and recover from them with a little more experience. Also, I think many 1st year students have a hard time differentiating between being a therapist and friend (remember the guy on SDN who asserted that being a therapist was being paid to be a person's best friend?) Even newbie therapists who understand that that is not at all what therapy is about may have a hard time acting in a manner consistent with their knowledge.

Best,
Dr. E

If nothing else, it can serve as good practice in establishing appropriate boundaries (whatever "appropriate" might mean to the individual therapist). Different people are comfortable with different levels of self-disclosure, but it can take some "feeling out" to figure out what works best for you. And in line with what Dr. E wrote, it's of course much easier to disclose more later if you'd like than it is to take back an over-disclosure.

Beyond that, we also have to remember that many patients may not necessarily have much practice in their role in the situation, and may not know how to treat the relationship/what their responsibilities are. It's then up to the therapist to set the tone from the beginning (i.e., lead by example) as to what a professional helping relationship actually is.

 

[DoctorLion]

references?

lol

 

[MBellows]

My very first supervisor (who was awful in many ways) was very much into the blank slate and loved all the Langs stuff on "the frame." She would tear you to shreds if said something slightly personal. For example, when I had to cancel a client to be out of town due to a dying relative, I told the client I had to be out of town for "a family emergency." I was criticized for revealing too much personal information.

She was way overboard, but I do think that it is important for less experienced therapists to err on the side of less self-disclosure. As previously mentioned, there can be unintended consequences and you are in a better position to both predict and recover from them with a little more experience. Also, I think many 1st year students have a hard time differentiating between being a therapist and friend (remember the guy on SDN who asserted that being a therapist was being paid to be a person's best friend?) Even newbie therapists who understand that that is not at all what therapy is about may have a hard time acting in a manner consistent with their knowledge.

Best,
Dr. E

I thought this sort of mentality died with psychoanalysis. Apparently I was wrong?