I'm sure this won't be a popular opinion, but most programs are limited in how much they can handle, given the increased constraints, lesser funding, etc. that has happened in most programs. There are 20 people willing to take that spot, so the program doesn't have as much incentive to be overly flexible.
On the one hand, life happens and people need to have some level of understanding. On the other hand, everyone makes sacrafices, and one person's needs shouldn't be consider more important that someone else's. I had a professor who didn't care why you missed because we were (allegedly) all adults, but it could and would impact your training and grade.
We have a mix of folks in our program w/ children. Most are individuals who opted (yes, they decided, not oops, I was surprised) to have children AFTER they started the program. Some are folks who entered the program w/ children, and then there are those w/ children who decided what the heck, I'll have a few more (wherever does it end?!).
I certainly agree that programs are not required to be flexible in all of these situations, but if one is going to make concessions or give "privileges" to folks for whatever the reason, then they need to do across the board rather than have it be up to adviser, adviser mood, or well, you really don't need time off to deal with that issue because no one else does (b/c everyone else in the program is a 'traditional' student and doesn't deal with that issue).
What grows frustrating for me is that due to circumstances beyond my control I only get to see my child a couple of times per year. I ask off for a handful of days or a week in the middle of the summer for the direct purpose of going to see my child as I have not seen him in MONTHS. "Yes, that sounds like a good idea. You should go see him. But not right now. Right now we are too busy." (Doing absolutely nothing, and working on things that I can do from home BTW.) M'kay, whatever, I'll check again in a few weeks, I received the same response week after week. In the meantime, I was working considerably more than I was required to, but hey, we're going to disregard that for the time being.... Enter the other person in the lab, "So what should I do this summer because I have like no idea?" "Hmmm, lemme, think about it. I know, you should go to Mexico, relax, read a book, and if you have time, think about some research."
I **** you not. Person takes off for the entire summer to never be seen again, and I'm practically begging for a week and finally a frakkin' weekend off to be told, no, no, and no again. In the meantime, there are folks with children who take off our "meeting" days during the week because it would be "difficult" for them to make alternate arrangements with day/childcare. I find some of the concessions that our program does make for these students laughable as I worked and took care of my child through my master's degree (different program), and I certainly was not given any additional time off. I was expected to do everything and be at all required classes, events, & meetings the same as everyone else. Here, it seems as if "I'm sorry, I have a kid, so I'm going to take off b/c I just really don't want to go to your boring meeting" suffices as an excuse."
I do not take time off or go places during the year. Others do. I sit here and work all frakkin year. Instead, I am constantly harped on ...
We had a guy in our program who had several friends & family die within the course of one year. He unfortunately was attending a lot of funerals, which led him to missing a handful of meetings (on one day each week). Then, his grandmother (who had lived with & cared for him since he was a young child) died. He was informed that he did not have 'permission' to go to her funeral b/c he had already been to too many funerals that year. Er, I'm sorry that death inconveniences you. It was one of the final nails in his own coffin so to speak with our program.
So, death's out. Getting sick is out. Caring for family is out. Going to court for divorce is out. Personal issues of any kind are out. Sorry, not allowed. But, if you are getting married and/or planning a baby, get permission, and if you flirt with your adviser whilst doing it, then you can skip all the meetings & classes you want....
Honestly, I don't give a damn why folks miss as long as they would be consistent with their "rules" across the board. I agree with you, T4C, that if you miss time, particularly during the semester, or at certain times of year, then you're likely going to miss something vital to your training. I would expect it. However, if I can take time off and it does not impact my grade/training, then WTF are you still hounding me? If others are being given time off and their training/exposure is obviously subpar, then why are they not the ones being addressed? Makes not a shred of sense to me.
