Over Involved Parents

[VTBuc]

🙄 Narrow-minded.

It's true. Does a man ever have to say any of the following?

Mom, I want to take this girl out for coffee can you transfer $10 to my bank account?

Mom, I need a new pairs of shoes can you buy me some?

Mom, the car you bought me is low on gas can I have some money to fill it up?

Mom, I need this textbook for class can I have $100?


The answer is a resounding NO. In fact, our society tells us that the cultural step into adulthood is not being >18, it's being independent. Not leeching an ungodly amount of money(seriously, $56k) from mommy and daddy every year.

One of the most embarrassing moments of my recent memory involved me forgetting an upcoming bill and having to ask my parents to borrow $200. I paid it back immediately...but that is something I hope I never have to do again. I can't even imagine just flat out robbing my parents of $56k a year with no intention of paying any of it back. And then complaining about them wanting to look at my grades over the internet.

 

[coldweatherblue]

there's a pretty easy fix for this; tell your folks in a stern but respectful voice, "Don't ask me about my grades, it's my business and I'll take care of it." and if they threaten to withdraw financial support tell them "fine" and mean it. The minute you can look them in the eye, say something you believe (though it be contrary to their wishes) with full realization and acceptance of the consequences ($$$) your parents will respect you as an equal member of the family. Until that day you're still their dependent.

 

[schrizto]

there's a pretty easy fix for this; tell your folks in a stern but respectful voice, "Don't ask me about my grades, it's my business and I'll take care of it." and if they threaten to withdraw financial support tell them "fine" and mean it. The minute you can look them in the eye, say something you believe (though it be contrary to their wishes) with full realization and acceptance of the consequences ($$$) your parents will respect you as an equal member of the family. Until that day you're still their dependent.

hah, I doubt the OP, or anyone else for that matter, would want to exchange getting the bill for a 56k/yr education footed by their parents for a little bit of independence. Most kids whose parents willingly shell out that much money for education don't understand exactly how much money that is.

and for some reason, I don't this would work in an asian family... I can't really describe it but your solution depends on a tacit understanding and asian culture, at least from what I've seen, isn't really big on that. In fact, they're quite literal, so if they threaten to withdraw financial support and you say "fine", they probably will.

 

[chibrown01]

Honestly, i see where your parents are coming from. My mom is African, and God forbid I tell her 'no'.

Go to a cheaper school, so it's easier on ur parents. TALK to them, tellnthem all the pressure they are putting on u is making u get b's. Tell them u want to do well in school for urself, notnfor them.
It hasn't worked yet for me, but it's def easier bc my mom doesn't get my transcript anymore, just the deans list certificate. I didn't make the deans list 1 sesmester n my mom called n said 'hmm, so I haven't received ur certificate this semester, did you change the mailing address?'. I simply said, organic chem and calc were hard and I studied a lot but, and everyone in class agrees they were hard class not just me

Or just put up with it until u graduate. And then in med school u can be rebellious. Haha

 

[riceman04]

Although I am a fully capable 21-year-old man, my parents still ask me about my grades. I received 2 B's for the first time in my college career this semester. I was like, meh, it doesn't really matter; my previous grades are great anyway. My parents ask me about my grades every semester. THEY ASK TO SEE MY TRANSCRIPT! When my father saw my grades, he was really disappointed and he did not talk to me for a couple of days. Actually, it was somewhat comical; he pretended he was sick for a couple of days.

I love my parents, but this is way too much. I'm really ticked off by the current situation. They are also trying to force me to go to medical school somewhere near them. I want to tell my parents that I think they should stay out of my education specifics (grades, application, etc.), but I don't want them to get offended. I feel like they treat me like an elementary school student....

Has anyone ever dealt with a problem like this?

...and they will continue to treat you like an elemetary student as long as you allow them to do so. Eventually you will finally get to a point where you will not put up with it anymore!

 

[cure0008]

It's true. Does a man ever have to say any of the following?

Mom, I want to take this girl out for coffee can you transfer $10 to my bank account?

Mom, I need a new pairs of shoes can you buy me some?

Mom, the car you bought me is low on gas can I have some money to fill it up?

Mom, I need this textbook for class can I have $100?


The answer is a resounding NO. In fact, our society tells us that the cultural step into adulthood is not being >18, it's being independent. Not leeching an ungodly amount of money(seriously, $56k) from mommy and daddy every year.

One of the most embarrassing moments of my recent memory involved me forgetting an upcoming bill and having to ask my parents to borrow $200. I paid it back immediately...but that is something I hope I never have to do again. I can't even imagine just flat out robbing my parents of $56k a year with no intention of paying any of it back. And then complaining about them wanting to look at my grades over the internet.

This is generally the american culture-- after you are 18 your parents have the right to throw you out of your house and normally you don't see your parents except on christmas or thanksgiving; you don't borrow money from them nor they do from you- they might even charge interest lol.. (sorry if I offended anyone but this is generally what I perceive) note that not ever culture is like this. The OP might not be an american or even so follow the same culture as you , so don't be too quick to judge.
I don't think the OP's parents should have asked about looking at his grades and not just asking them. I believe they wrong in this regard.

 

[casillas]

This is generally the american culture-- after you are 18 your parents have the right to throw you out of your house and normally you don't see your parents except on christmas or thanksgiving; you don't borrow money from them nor they do from you- they might even charge interest lol.. (sorry if I offended anyone but this is generally what I perceive) note that not ever culture is like this. The OP might not be an american or even so follow the same culture as you , so don't be too quick to judge.
I don't think the OP's parents should have asked about looking at his grades and not just asking them. I believe they wrong in this regard.

I agree with this point totally. I think it is mainly an AMerican thing that "your 18, go to college and pay your own way from now on" In many cultures it is completely normal for a 25 year old to be working and still living with the 'rents. (Which is in no way percieved as lazy, just practical)It's just a different culture, and I think the role of parents is different between cultures and even in the same culture between families.

 

[VTBuc]

This is generally the american culture-- after you are 18 your parents have the right to throw you out of your house and normally you don't see your parents except on christmas or thanksgiving; you don't borrow money from them nor they do from you- they might even charge interest lol.. (sorry if I offended anyone but this is generally what I perceive) note that not ever culture is like this. The OP might not be an american or even so follow the same culture as you , so don't be too quick to judge.
I don't think the OP's parents should have asked about looking at his grades and not just asking them. I believe they wrong in this regard.

Regardless of culture, if you are still getting an allowance from your parents you are not a man in my book.

 

[Kuune]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-nRKb13k_o

 

[ELECTROLITE80]

My parents were the same way when I was in undergrad, I just stopped showing them my grades altogether. If I were doing as bad as they thought I were, they'd know it, not only that, they put all my student loans in my name, so I looked at it as if I mess up, its on me, since I have to pay this money back anyway. They came to accept it and got over it. Of course, the mature way is to talk to them about it, but everyone's parents are different and you can't always have a mature conversation with people.

 

[Compass]

I empathize with OP. Deal with it, get into medical school really far away, and be done with it.

 

[thefritz]

Has anyone ever dealt with a problem like this?

Tell your parents that you are moving to New York to become a musician and don't want to be a doctor anymore. If they are giving you money right now, stop taking it. You will never be successful if you owe your life to someone else.

 

[Charles_Carmichael]

Regardless of culture, if you are still getting an allowance from your parents you are not a man in my book.

I don't mean to offend, but I highly doubt there are too many people, especially on SDN, who are worried about whether they are being considered a man or not in your book. It would probably be a good idea to understand and appreciate the differences between various cultures.

It's actually quite common in many cultures, particularly Asian ones, for the parents to take care of their children for quite a while (including paying for college education and sometimes, even med school). However, the children are expected to take care of the parents when the parents get old. So, in a way, you're repaying your parents for their support during your childhood/early adulthood by taking care of them once they become older. I don't really see how this makes you less of a man, whatever that even means.

 

[Web MD]

I think he meant that starting a thread complaining about having parents who want to know his grades while they pay $56k/yr for college and living expenses is what makes him less of a man, not the whole "taking care of his allegedly asian parents when they're older" thing which was never really mentioned.

 

[mspeedwagon]

My parents still ask about my grades and I'm close to 27 and they do not financially support me at all. They just care about how I do and I appreciate it. I know for certain they will be calling me into medical school and it's a nice reminder that I have to do well because every one wants me to do well (including myself). My girlfriend asks too.

If your parents are paying then they definitely have every right to see your transcripts and know exactly what you are doing.

Btw, this is definitely not under the categoary of over-involved. I know a few over-involved parents who hangout on campus, talk to each professor, show up to classes, review each test, try to make sure you have the right ("smart") friend, etc. etc. What you are describing is rather normal and benign.

Also, every parent wants their child to be close to them. Not too surprising they are stirring you toward the relatively local schools. If you really don't want to do, submit a bad app and don't get in.

Hi, this is quite common actually, parents just want the best for us. My parents ask about my grades every semester as well, they pay half of my education, so in a way its their right to do so, in the other hand it can be motivating to know that they will check them so you can work harder to prove your have done well and make them happy after all. Once you go to med school, the life as it is now will be over and we all will miss our parents.

 

[SabC]

You have no job and no financial responsibility yet you manage to effectively net ~60k/year.

Your dad is 100% correct. You have no excuse not to be getting perfect grades.

They should cut you off and kick you out for a few years. I'd bet your work ethic would improve dramatically.

 

[VTBuc]

I don't mean to offend, but I highly doubt there are too many people, especially on SDN, who are worried about whether they are being considered a man or not in your book. It would probably be a good idea to understand and appreciate the differences between various cultures.

Other cultures? Unless I'm mistaken, this guy is living in America, going to an American school, and plans to attend an American Medical School and likely practice in America. And no where has he even hinted that he and his family are anything but American. And regardless of his culture he needs to get off his lazy butt and get a job and help his parents out or stop complaining about his free ride.

My issue isn't that his folks are paying for his school. Plenty of people are doing it. My problem is that he wants to have his cake and eat it too and mooch $56k a year off his folks and then be ungrateful enough to complain about them looking at his transcripts. That is what makes him not a "fully capable man"(and I'm using HIS words). And I agree...he probably shouldn't care what I, some random dude on the internet, think of him. But I'll be darned if I won't tell him that he needs to be a LOT more grateful to the amazing gift his parents are giving him. That's a message he needs to hear from a lot of people.

 

[VTBuc]

Although I am a fully capable 21-year-old man, my parents still ask me about my grades. I received 2 B's for the first time in my college career this semester. I was like, meh, it doesn't really matter; my previous grades are great anyway. My parents ask me about my grades every semester. THEY ASK TO SEE MY TRANSCRIPT! When my father saw my grades, he was really disappointed and he did not talk to me for a couple of days. Actually, it was somewhat comical; he pretended he was sick for a couple of days.

Grade-Inflation:

I attended a 4th-tier school for two years. All of our classes were curved to B- or below. I only got one A- during those two years and finished with a 3.98.

I transferred to a prestigious top-20 school. The majority of the classes at this school are curved to a B or higher. I believed in the grade-inflation myth, so I decided that taking a couple of super-hard upperclass science courses wouldn't be a problem. I finished off with 3 B's and 2 A's. All of the B's were in science classes.

3.98->3.4

Although classes at top-20 institutions might be curved to [much] higher grades, top-20 institutions have a much brighter student body. Even if you are smart, everyone in your class will either be as smart as you or smarter than you. It's a lot harder to get good grades when everyone at your school got a 40T on the MCAT.

Luckily, after last semester, I have become a better student and I compete much better against my peers. I'm expecting a 4.0 this semester. It takes time/a lot of work to become a good competitor, though. I have to work my butt off to get good grades. I rarely get more than 5 hours of sleep because of all of the work I have to do.

Also...the guy's a liar. He got 3 B's last semester, too. I'd be pissed if I was his dad and paying that kind of money.

 

[deleted238468]

You don't see the irony in this? If your parents are dropping $56k YEARLY on you, YOU ARE NOT AN ADULT. Why should his parents "let me do things my own way" if they are dumping THAT kind of money on me? I don't give an auto-mechanic $1000 and tell him to do whatever the heck he wants with it. That money is for a reason. And $56k/yearly ought to buy you a freakin' 4.0! No excuses!



Partying and dating = troublemaker? Sheesh...were your parents Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun?

I understand where you are coming from. If you're parents have to pay for you, technically you're not an adult. Though I think there is a difference is being 30, living in your parents garage, etc... and being in school full-time and trying to get a degree (when you're like 18).

I don't personally know the OP, so I can't comment on his maturity or whether the fact that he is an adult yet or not. But I think in our society, there is a definite difference between adult and independent due to the fact that everyone goes to school well into their 20s. So you can be an adult, while still technically being dependent on your parents, to a certain degree.

I also don't think the OP is trying to do things completely his own way (ie run off, party like no other, and let his grades tank). I think he's just asking for a little breathing room and not be hit over the head with the fact, "I'm paying for you, you will do what I want". I disagree with your mechanic analogy in the sense that the people who are providing the OP with money are his parents, not an employer. If I give an employer money, yes I want him to get the job done. If I support my child through school, I expect them to try their best and try to become successful, it doesn't give me the right, however, to demand that he become a certain career or unreasonable things. (Though here, I don't think that showing your grades to your parents is unreasonable, as I've stated to the OP) I do think that refusing to speak to him after a B for several days or SEVERE guilt-tripping is wrong however.
Parents I feel who expect really certain things for their kids (e.g. you have to become a pharmacist!!) and not just general expectations (do good, be a good human being, go to college, etc) never really wanted kids, just robots they could mold.

As for my sister, suitup is right. I did not elaborate. Pretty much (without the need to go into specific detail), she was all out in high school (and not in the good way), my parents just did not know what to do. But she's more responsible and mature now, so it's all good.