Over Involved Parents

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LaserJet

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Although I am a fully capable 21-year-old man, my parents still ask me about my grades. I received 2 B's for the first time in my college career this semester. I was like, meh, it doesn't really matter; my previous grades are great anyway. My parents ask me about my grades every semester. THEY ASK TO SEE MY TRANSCRIPT! When my father saw my grades, he was really disappointed and he did not talk to me for a couple of days. Actually, it was somewhat comical; he pretended he was sick for a couple of days.

I love my parents, but this is way too much. I'm really ticked off by the current situation. They are also trying to force me to go to medical school somewhere near them. I want to tell my parents that I think they should stay out of my education specifics (grades, application, etc.), but I don't want them to get offended. I feel like they treat me like an elementary school student....

Has anyone ever dealt with a problem like this?
 
like most interpersonal problems, it takes two to tango... if you don't want your parents to be so overbearing, don't let them. it really is that simple.
 
bleargh said:
like most interpersonal problems, it takes two to tango... if you don't want your parents to be so overbearing, don't let them. it really is that simple.
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Yes, I understand that I will have to stop them at some point, but I don't know how to get started. The realtionship between my parents and I never got passed the "teenage phase", so they still view me as their child that they must protect. I don't want to be blunt with them because I think that can ruin our relationship.
 
bleargh said:
like most interpersonal problems, it takes two to tango... if you don't want your parents to be so overbearing, don't let them. it really is that simple.
Click to expand...


It gets a little tough if they are supporting you financially.

It's good that your parents are taking a serious interest in your education, but perhaps they are going a little overboard. I am not sure about your parents, but mine were always very approachable. Throughout college if I had any issues such as this I could sit down with them and discuss the issue. They would listen to what I had to say and vice versa. Have you tried talking them about how you feel?
 
You say that you are a man, yet you can't stand up to your parents?!?!

Seriously, just talk to them.
 
If they are supporting you financially in your educational endeavors then you really don't have a leg to stand on. They've invested in your future and just want the best return on that investment which is understandable. If they are not supporting you finacially then you need to have an adult chat with them and let them know what's up. If something like that ruins your relationship with your parents then I can't help but question how strong the relationship was to start with.
 
dr zaius said:
It gets a little tough if they are supporting you financially.

It's good that your parents are taking a serious interest in your education, but perhaps they are going a little overboard. I am not sure about your parents, but mine were always very approachable. Throughout college if I had any issues such as this I could sit down with them and discuss the issue. They would listen to what I had to say and vice versa. Have you tried talking them about how you feel?
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Yes, I have. They don't want to understand. I have told them that they should trust and support my decisions because I am an adult. They say that they are treating me this way because they want me to be the best I could possibly be.

They are paying for my education....
 
LaserJet said:
Yes, I understand that I will have to stop them at some point, but I don't know how to get started. The realtionship between my parents and I never got passed the "teenage phase", so they still view me as their child that they must protect. I don't want to be blunt with them because I think that can ruin our relationship.
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I understand familial pressure, but in response to the bolded above, letting them run your life WILL ruin your relationship. If they force you into doing things that you don't really want to do, that resentment is going to spill over in the way that you feel about them (and probably already has). It's easier for their feelings if you let it go on this way, but in terms of your overall relationship, you'll have to try and assert some boundaries. Otherwise, you aren't going to feel the same way about them.

That being said, I know it's way easier said than done, but the sooner the better.

Good luck!
 
If they're paying for your education, you really have no choice but to tell them. If I were giving my kid thousands of dollars a year to go to school, I'd want to make sure he was using that money well too.
Do you live with them too? If so, you really have no choice... in fact, you should be presenting your transcript to them at the end of every term.
 
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Are they paying for your education? If so they have every right to see your grades and be pissed if they aren't up to snuff. If they are planning on paying for your med school, they can and should be involved in your application and decision process. If you don't want the parental involvement, you can cut financial ties and take care of it on your own.
 
They're paying for it, so all you can do is talk to them. If they still act like that, you can either deal with it or start taking out some loans to pay for things yourself.
 
That doesn't sound like over-involved parents, tbh. I don't think it's too much for them to ask to see how your grades are.
 
schrizto said:
That doesn't sound like over-involved parents, tbh. I don't think it's too much for them to ask to see how your grades are.
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Asking for grades is one thing, but asking to see a transcript is another. Maybe it's just me, but I'd take that as them not trusting OP. On one hand, if they are paying for his college, then as someone else said, they're just trying to assure a good return on their investment, but two B's in an entire college career is nothing to scoff at, let alone get the cold shoulder for. On the other, if OP is paying for his own college, then asking for a transcript is way overbearing.
 
When you accept payment for your education, you accept parental involvement. If you have to show them your grades and accept criticism and advice from them in exchange for tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars in gift money, I think that's a pretty sweet deal. My advice to you would be to keep your parents happy. Let them be a part of the process, if that's what they want. If it's too much for you, then start paying your own way.

You can't be selectively independent. You can't expect to be completely independent to make your own choices and handle your own life if you aren't independent financially.
 
nburnett3 said:
Asking for grades is one thing, but asking to see a transcript is another. Maybe it's just me, but I'd take that as them not trusting OP. On one hand, if they are paying for his college, then as someone else said, they're just trying to assure a good return on their investment, but two B's in an entire college career is nothing to scoff at, let alone get the cold shoulder for. On the other, if OP is paying for his own college, then asking for a transcript is way overbearing.
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+1

I remember when I got a 95% as my senior year GPA and then my dad, without missing a beat, completely serious, replies "What happened to the other 5%?" :laugh: At least for most Asian parents (incl. mine) that I know, anything less than an A = FAILURE AT LIFE.

But seeing as how parents pay for your education, i think you're going to have to just deal with it, OP. Just let them know how difficult college classes actually are, that you're trying your best, and that getting few B's (heaven forbid) doesn't mean you will have to be a pig farmer or something. (No offense to pig farmers - it was just the one I remember from Dirty Jobs)
 
I have a lot of respect for you for being very respectful to your parents. I come from a culture that the minute my brothers or I disagree or disobayed my parents my parents, my dad (now he passed away) he used to hold his chest and lay down like he is going to have a heart attack, and my mom will start shedding these tears non stop. Oh Lord the guilt would kill us. But, this is what my brothers did when they went to med and dental school.
1) It was never about the money, they paid for themselves or got grants but they called my mom and made her feel that she is involved and part of their success which made her very happy. The phone call was maximum 5-10 min.
They told her the good and bad grades.
2) they told my parents face to face when they are alive, that we will call when we can because sometimes we cannot leave the lab, or leave the library someone my steal the computer...blah blah blah...but we are not going to send report cards. If there is no trust between us then there is no need to call each other or have any phone calls. What do you want phone calls or a report card. I/we feel that your love is chocking me and I feel that I am in a cage, you either let me fly or I will stay home with you and NOT go to school!
If they ask if this is an ultimatum tell them maybe but I feel belittled infront of my self. Tell them if they do not trust you then withhold the money and you will do it on your own. BUT you love them and you are going to share your success with them BUT DON"T choke me with your love.
Try to do it in person, they will see your love to them. In a loving way, tell your dad he is NOT helping when he does not talk to you when you get Bs. tell him "Dad, I need a man by my side and you are the best man to pray for me and support me, not to ignore me". Before my Dad died, we started teasing him how he used to pretend that he is having a heart attack every time he got a bad news...he started laughing at himself.
You are a wonderful son...and your parents are so blessed:luck:
I hope I don't have a lot of mistakes, I have to go to work....bye...
 
You could also tell them not to bother paying/smothering, and then take out loans/get a job/etc. Then you'd really feel like a 21 year old.
 
I don't see what's a big deal here. If they want to know, then tell them. Why you want to hind it from them?😕
 
It's not that I am trying to hide my grades from them... For example, when I told my dad that I used all of my potential in the 2 classes I got B's in, he insisted on telling me that I was lazy. He thinks I can get an A in any class if I put in the right amount of time. He also thinks that I can get a 45 on the MCAT if I tried. He thinks that with a 4.0 and 45 I can get into Harvard. There is no way I can live up to those expectations.

I can't live without their financial support. Where am I going to get $56K a year?
 
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Chemdude said:
It's not that I am trying to hide my grades from them... For example, when I told my dad that I used all of my potential in the 2 classes I got B's in, he insisted on telling me that I was lazy. He thinks I can get an A in any class if I put in the right amount of time. He also thinks that I can get a 45 on the MCAT if I tried. He thinks that with a 4.0 and 45 I can get into Harvard. There is no way I can live up to those expectations.

I can't live without their financial support. Where am I going to get $56K a year?
Click to expand...


From transferring to a state uni?

Your parents are not going to change. Trust me, parents are set in their ways. I long ago came to a very Joy Luck Club-esque peace with my mother's overbearing, critical behavior. Distance is good for you. If you can't get it by actually becoming independent of them, you'll have to accept their behavior as it is.
 
Chemdude said:
It's not that I am trying to hide my grades from them... For example, when I told my dad that I used all of my potential in the 2 classes I got B's in, he insisted on telling me that I was lazy. He thinks I can get an A in any class if I put in the right amount of time. He also thinks that I can get a 45 on the MCAT if I tried. He thinks that with a 4.0 and 45 I can get into Harvard. There is no way I can live up to those expectations.

I can't live without their financial support. Where am I going to get $56K a year?
Click to expand...

Call the waambulance. You can deal with a little guilt tripping and calling you lazy for 56k/year. Did you really use all your potential in those two classes? If you did, you shouldn't feel guilty about it. If not, you should work harder. Don't take your parents support for granted. Just do your best work and have a thicker skin.
 
asdf
 
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LaserJet said:
Although I am a fully capable 21-year-old man, my parents still ask me about my grades. I received 2 B's for the first time in my college career this semester. I was like, meh, it doesn't really matter; my previous grades are great anyway. My parents ask me about my grades every semester. THEY ASK TO SEE MY TRANSCRIPT! When my father saw my grades, he was really disappointed and he did not talk to me for a couple of days. Actually, it was somewhat comical; he pretended he was sick for a couple of days.

I love my parents, but this is way too much. I'm really ticked off by the current situation. They are also trying to force me to go to medical school somewhere near them. I want to tell my parents that I think they should stay out of my education specifics (grades, application, etc.), but I don't want them to get offended. I feel like they treat me like an elementary school student....

Has anyone ever dealt with a problem like this?
Click to expand...

Perhaps you should feel lucky that your parents care about your schooling. My mom still cannot understand the process of me filling out financial aid. I told her months ago that I was going to work towards medical school and she called me the other day and had no clue.

Also, why did you get 2 B's? Are you starting to get burned out? Obviously there is something wrong if you usually always get an A.

If your parents are not paying for school they are at least giving you a place to stay during college. My place is about $800 a month so $9600 a year, this is split between two people but if I was able to live at home it would be a huge help.

Perhaps you have not left the teenage mentality yourself?
 
LaserJet said:
Yes, I have. They don't want to understand. I have told them that they should trust and support my decisions because I am an adult. They say that they are treating me this way because they want me to be the best I could possibly be.

They are paying for my education....
Click to expand...

So quit your bitchin
 
Chemdude said:
It's not that I am trying to hide my grades from them... For example, when I told my dad that I used all of my potential in the 2 classes I got B's in, he insisted on telling me that I was lazy. He thinks I can get an A in any class if I put in the right amount of time. He also thinks that I can get a 45 on the MCAT if I tried. He thinks that with a 4.0 and 45 I can get into Harvard. There is no way I can live up to those expectations.

I can't live without their financial support. Where am I going to get $56K a year?
Click to expand...

LaserJet said:
Although I am a fully capable 21-year-old man, my parents still ask me about my grades. I received 2 B's for the first time in my college career this semester. I was like, meh, it doesn't really matter; my previous grades are great anyway. My parents ask me about my grades every semester. THEY ASK TO SEE MY TRANSCRIPT! When my father saw my grades, he was really disappointed and he did not talk to me for a couple of days. Actually, it was somewhat comical; he pretended he was sick for a couple of days.

I love my parents, but this is way too much. I'm really ticked off by the current situation. They are also trying to force me to go to medical school somewhere near them. I want to tell my parents that I think they should stay out of my education specifics (grades, application, etc.), but I don't want them to get offended. I feel like they treat me like an elementary school student....

Has anyone ever dealt with a problem like this?
Click to expand...


Is this the same person?

I think as others have said your parent are well in their rights to ask you for your grades. Not only because they pay for you but because they have invested in your life and would like to see the outcome of 21 years of parenting. And you should be respectful enough to tell them what's going on in your life even when they are not supporting you in the future.

But at the same time I do agree that you should talk to them and help them realize that two B's are not the end of life. You should also be adult enough to choose a school according to where you think you will be happiest. Not close to your parents if you will be unhappy, but don't go to the farthest school just to rebel.

bottom line: Try and develop an adult relationship with your parents.
 
They are paying for your education, of course they should ask to see your grades and transcripts to make sure that they are getting a return on their investment. If you are still in undergrad, suck it up till you graduate, then put yourself on a path of indepence.

As for medical school, apply and choose an institution that best fit your educational goals and lifestyle goals. If that means being aways from home, then so be it.
 
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.
 
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I feel that this thread has turned negatively towards you. So a bit sorry about that.
Here's my 2 cents:

Firstly, just curious - do you happen to be of a minority (asian, indian, etc..) that this particular issue comes up a lot in? [don't have to answer]
It's just that I'm asian (chinese/vietnamese) and dating an indian guy so I see this A LOT haha

On the fact that they are paying for your education:
1. Since they're your parents, you should probably tell them your grades. (not because they're paying for your education, but that they're your parents and they just want to see how you're doing)

2. My mom put this perfectly (when my bf's parents said a similar thing about them paying for his education.. it wasn't about his grades though, something else)..
She said it's not right for parents to use the fact that they pay for their kids education to get them to do anything they want. As a parent, you should support your kids, also they should be respectful, obedient, blah blah blah.
Anyways she goes on to say, that pretty much its not very parent-y of them to pay for their kid's education and expect/force certain things on them (make sure they do well, but don't use it for things) --> otherwise, you're kind of just a blackmailer.
Sorry that was a bit confusing, can clarify if need be.

3. You need to talk with them and say hey, i love you and i know you're doing this because you love me, but i am an ADULT and you need to let me do things my own way. You raised me right (hopefully) and I'm going to do my best... blah blah blah, in that sense
but you DO HAVE TO TALK TO THEM and make them understand, don't quit till you do, otherwise you'll just be miserable.


My parents used to be this way. I got out of it in 2 ways: 1. I became really headstrong in middle/hs and talked to them about this and continued to bug/show them i was responsible and needed to be let of my leash.
2. My sister started being a troublemaker (partying, dating, typical stuff) so they realized I was right while they had their hands busy with her lol


To all the other posters above, I really, really don't agree that just because his parents paid for his education that they get to dictate his life. He should respect them and be grateful and not waste it, but ruling his life by hanging it over his head isn't right.

Also, I agree though 56K is waaaaaaaaay to much. WTF? What are you spending it on? I still live in the dorms (more expensive than apartments, go out all the time) and I'm going what 20-25K a year. I am in state though, but LA is hella expensive. What the heck? I thought only ivy leagues and intense private schools were that expensive (*cough* U$C, lol but i don't even think they're that expensive)
 
dr zaius said:
It gets a little tough if they are supporting you financially.

It's good that your parents are taking a serious interest in your education, but perhaps they are going a little overboard. I am not sure about your parents, but mine were always very approachable. Throughout college if I had any issues such as this I could sit down with them and discuss the issue. They would listen to what I had to say and vice versa. Have you tried talking them about how you feel?
Click to expand...

If they're footing the bill, make clear what the guidelines and expectations are. If you can't accept their expectations, don't accept their money.

cpants said:
Are they paying for your education? If so they have every right to see your grades and be pissed if they aren't up to snuff. If they are planning on paying for your med school, they can and should be involved in your application and decision process. If you don't want the parental involvement, you can cut financial ties and take care of it on your own.
Click to expand...

CoolWhipp said:
+1, I didn't even have to say anything this time.

Mommy don't ask me for my grades but pay for my tuition.
Click to expand...

:clap:
 
if you tell them your grades every semester, then showing them your transcript shouldnt be that big of a deal. some asians have it a lot worse though.
 
Perhaps you can add a simple poll to this thread. How many would be willing to trade a couple hundred thousand dollars for tuition/expenses in exchange for showing someone their transcripts each semester?

Sounds allot like a full-ride scholarship to me. Nobody has a problem turning in their transcripts for those. Why should your parents be any different? They don't owe you a college education. You need to appreciate what you are getting for such a small expectation.
 
You are not a man if your mom and dad are paying your bills. I'm not trying to attack you by saying this, but it's true. If you are relying on someone else to survive, you are stuck in boyhood, my friend.

And if I were shelling out $56k/yearly for my boy to go to school, darn tootin' I'd be looking at his grades and if he got even an A- I'd be PISSED!!!! That's a year's salary for most people going straight for your education! You BETTER get a 4.0 for that much money.

Which is exactly why I paid for college on my own. I took out loans and worked two jobs to do it, but it was worth it. My parents don't know my GPA and they never will. And at the end of the day I can proudly say that I am independent. I'd recommend you look into that.

By the way, why the hell are you going to a college that costs that much? My university cost 1/5th that and you cannot honestly tell me that your education is $100,000 better than mine. Why on earth would you spend that much on a Bachelor's degree when you plan on going to medical school? Heck, most medical schools don't cost that much! Transfer to a state school, dude!
 
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runawayclock said:
Just let them know how difficult college classes actually are, that you're trying your best, and that getting few B's (heaven forbid) doesn't mean you will have to be a pig farmer or something. (No offense to pig farmers - it was just the one I remember from Dirty Jobs)
Click to expand...

😀

(I worked at a pig farm for a year and a half to pay for my medical school application cycle.)
 
.
 
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Hotasianchick90 said:
3. You need to talk with them and say hey, i love you and i know you're doing this because you love me, but i am an ADULT and you need to let me do things my own way. You raised me right (hopefully) and I'm going to do my best... blah blah blah, in that sense
but you DO HAVE TO TALK TO THEM and make them understand, don't quit till you do, otherwise you'll just be miserable.
Click to expand...

You don't see the irony in this? If your parents are dropping $56k YEARLY on you, YOU ARE NOT AN ADULT. Why should his parents "let me do things my own way" if they are dumping THAT kind of money on me? I don't give an auto-mechanic $1000 and tell him to do whatever the heck he wants with it. That money is for a reason. And $56k/yearly ought to buy you a freakin' 4.0! No excuses!

Hotasianchick90 said:
2. My sister started being a troublemaker (partying, dating, typical stuff) so they realized I was right while they had their hands busy with her lol
Click to expand...

Partying and dating = troublemaker? Sheesh...were your parents Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun?
 
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if they want transcript, show them the transcript. If ur dad wants to get mad at ur Bs, let him get mad. who cares lol. enjoy life. just go with the flow. when time comes, it will come. why do you want to worry about something like this when there are far worst problems in the world.

It might be a big deal and many people in here consider it so. But I am a firm believer that people don't have problems; people make their own problems. Tell your dad to pay for my tuition, and i ll call him every day and show him my transcript lol
 
VTBuc said:
You don't see the irony in this? If your parents are dropping $56k YEARLY on you, YOU ARE NOT AN ADULT. Why should his parents "let me do things my own way" if they are dumping THAT kind of money on me? I don't give an auto-mechanic $1000 and tell him to do whatever the heck he wants with it. That money is for a reason. And $56k/yearly ought to buy you a freakin' 4.0! No excuses!



Partying and dating = troublemaker? Sheesh...were your parents Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun?
Click to expand...

Maybe he didn't get into the full extent of her partying,etc. I've seen many people who should step it down a notch and show up to atleast the tests if not the classes.


To the op, I know how difficult it is to change the relationship with your parents. I have a complaint about my parents too. My parents received very minimal education in another country and they have never in my entire life asked about my grades or doing homework. Up until college, I always felt obligated to show them my report cards. My dad found out I was taking 'some test' when he dropped me off for the SAT. In college, they don't know any of my grades because i stopped telling them and they never even asked. They are paying for my education, yet I wished they cared more. As I study for the MCAT at home, my dad complains and even got mad at me that I am in my room all day and not spending time with him. I thought sharing my experience with you would show you a different perspective. We're both in the extremes.

However, your parents do love you and care and will continue to do so, no matter what path you take. Also when you start medical school, end the sharing from your part to them. If they ask questions regarding school, just give general answers, such as "good, a lot of work,etc" and change the topic. You need to change the relationship dynamic. It can be done, but if your relationship has built up to the point where you did this grade sharing for three years, you can't fault them to stop.
 
VTBuc said:
You don't see the irony in this? If your parents are dropping $56k YEARLY on you, YOU ARE NOT AN ADULT. Why should his parents "let me do things my own way" if they are dumping THAT kind of money on me? I don't give an auto-mechanic $1000 and tell him to do whatever the heck he wants with it.
Click to expand...

Great analogy. 👍
 
Speaking as a parent, if they are paying your fees, they have every right to ask you about your grades, anybody who is investing in any business(your education) has the right to ask how said business is going on.
If they are not paying for your education I would hope that they would still show some interest and you would not object to such interest. just a short , Oh my GPA was 3.7 this semester , there was a course I didn't do as well as i would have liked on, next semester will hopefully be better.
The only part that might be a bit wrong is giving you the silent treatment for getting two B's.Though it is by no means the end of the world, if you've been a straight A student they might wonder what happened. Although at your age they should know you enough to know that you will do your best whether they are checking up on you or not.
lastly toughen up, at least you know underneath it all they love you. Have a talk man to man with you dad, give them the transcript before they even ask, let him know that he doesn't need to fake sickness, that you need someone to talk to when you have a stressful semester so him shutting you out won't work and go to a medical school that you want to go to , somewhere where you can do you best and start cutting the apron strings.
anyway this post is getting long but bottom line is give them a bit of info without them them having to ask. it is respectful
 
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haha, I like all the references to asian parents. In my experience, the OP's situation happens a LOT in east asian families. I think it's a cultural thing for parents to pay for their kid's tuition. If the parents are unable to put their kid through school, it's the parents that are considered a failure. Forcing their (adult) child to work for an education is like forcing a 5 year old to work for food and shelter. Trying to pay for your own tuition is really a slap in the face to your parents.

Coming from this mindset, I don't think the OP is wrong for being frustrated because he's working as hard as he can, and his parents have unreasonable expectations. It would be the case even if they weren't paying for his tuition. I definitely had this problem in high school too. How did I solve it in college? I went out of state. That way, they can't interfere as much. If the OP is living at home, which is sounds like, i would suggest trying to move out, and get some form of income to at least pay for rent. That way you'll become less of a child in their eyes while not outright disrespecting them, and you get your independence. Still show them your transcripts every semester though. At least if they get mad, you'll be able to ignore it easier.
 
OP, your 21, how about you grow a pair and deal with your situation like an adult if you don't want to be treated like a child - talk to them in a mature fashion and let them know to get out of your bedroom....YOur going to be a doctor, theres a lot harder situations your going to have to deal with so get used to it
 
i they are paying for your education, do as they wish

otherwise don't take the money

pretty simple
 
LaserJet said:
Although I am a fully capable 21-year-old man, my parents still ask me about my grades. I received 2 B's for the first time in my college career this semester. I was like, meh, it doesn't really matter; my previous grades are great anyway. My parents ask me about my grades every semester. THEY ASK TO SEE MY TRANSCRIPT! When my father saw my grades, he was really disappointed and he did not talk to me for a couple of days. Actually, it was somewhat comical; he pretended he was sick for a couple of days.

I love my parents, but this is way too much. I'm really ticked off by the current situation. They are also trying to force me to go to medical school somewhere near them. I want to tell my parents that I think they should stay out of my education specifics (grades, application, etc.), but I don't want them to get offended. I feel like they treat me like an elementary school student....

Has anyone ever dealt with a problem like this?
Click to expand...

Hi, this is quite common actually, parents just want the best for us. My parents ask about my grades every semester as well, they pay half of my education, so in a way its their right to do so, in the other hand it can be motivating to know that they will check them so you can work harder to prove your have done well and make them happy after all. Once you go to med school, the life as it is now will be over and we all will miss our parents.
 
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Neurologist fired over Instagram meme at UMiami Miller SOM
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