-Personal Statement- help plz

[ping1050]

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This is a slightly revised version of my personal statement. Would you please give it a 'once-over' and give me some criticism. 🙂


I have not always wanted to be a doctor. In fact, early in my undergraduate education, I would have made an awful physician. However, through my years at Hope College, my moral and intellectual values have been molded. I learned to use my innate gifts in a manner that can help other people and serve humanity.
Whether it is interacting with kids at Dance Marathon or talking with patients at a nursing home, I have been very involved in the social connection to others. My experiences with others have definitely provided me with the motivation to provide both medical as well as social support. Through these instances, I have been able to see the direct impact a physician can have on the emotional state of a patient. Likewise, I enjoy the feeling bonding with another person and learning them as a human.
Medicine has certainly provided the most direct and fulfilling route to aiding those in need. Osteopathic medicine's holistic approach to patient treatment coincides with my own personal philosophy of medicine. Doctors are encouraged to investigate beyond a patient's symptoms in a quest for other possible causes for health problems, even utilizing drug-free approaches in some circumstances. It seems obvious that medicine should have been offering alternative forms of health care other than prescription medications. My personal philosophy and moral values mesh well with those of osteopathic doctors. I am personally compelled to be a significant part in shaping the face of medicine heading in this direction.
Although a portion of my motivation to pursue medicine stems from my humanitarian beliefs and experiences with others, it is not enough. For me, this counter is my love for discovery. During the summer of my sophomore year, I was able to live this desire when I was granted a research stipend for advancement in Environmental Science. Working with Dr. Peterson, we employed analytical methods to evaluate the properties of various antibiotics and estrogens in stream water and soil. The time spent in research helped me to sharpen analytical skills and creative thinking ability, traits that I continue to apply. Although it is not directly correlated, research and medicine share many similarities. Modern day physicians are presented with new intellectual challenges on a daily basis. The medical field allures me as I thrive on the feeling of successfully solving a problem. My undergraduate education has urged me to become a lifelong-learner with a thirst for knowledge that can only be satisfied by the medical field.
My qualities and values are ideally suited for one profession; medicine. I know that without my constant intellectual pursuit for knowledge as well as the gifts given to me by God, I would not be where I am in life. I firmly believe that I can use these talents in a meaningful way to enrich not only my life, but also the lives of those who I come in contact with, both in and out of the workplace.

 

[christinejane19]

Nice use of your experiences, you show how they have directed your interest to the field of medicine. 2 criticisms:

In the 2nd sentence of the 2nd paragraph, you used the word "provide" twice. You could just say: My experiences with others have motivated me to provide both medical and social support...

Also, "learning them as a human" doesn't make sense. Maybe something like, "I enjoy bonding with another person, and identifying with his/her humanistic qualities", or at least, "learning ABOUT he/she as a human" (must use he/she since "person" is singular).

good luck!

 

[Kevbot]

I'll write the corrections in CAPS to make it easier to follow. Also forgive me if I am critiquing this too harshly:


I have not always wanted to be a doctor NOT A GOOD ENTRANCE. In fact, early in my undergraduate education, I would have made an awful physician. AGAIN, BAD ENTRANCE, YOU NEED A BETTER "HOOK", SOMETHING THAT SHOWS YOUR PASSION FOR MEDICINE However, through my years at Hope College, my moral and intellectual values have been molded HOW? WHAT VALUES? BE MORE SPECIFIC IF POSSIBLE, THIS LEAVES THE READER WONDERING WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT. I learned to use my innate gifts WHAT GIFTS? ARE YOU A SUPER HERO? in a manner that can help other people and serve humanity.
DONT USE THE WORD WHETHER, AND MOVE THIS FIRST SENTENCE DOWN, IT IS SUPPORTING EVIDENCE, NOT THE PURPOSE OF THE PARAGRAPH( USE IT AS PROOF OF YOUR MOTIVATION) Whether it is interacting with kids at Dance Marathon or talking with patients at a nursing home, I have been very involved in the social connection to others. My experiences with others have definitely provided me with the motivation to provide both medical as well as social support. TAKE OUT THESE THREE WORDS---> Through these instances, I have been able to see the direct impact a physician can have on the emotional state of a patient. Likewise, I enjoy the feeling bonding with another person and learning them as a human.YOU HAVE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC TO YOUR EXPERIENCE OTHERWISE IT COMES OFF SOUNDING LIKE BS Medicine has certainly provided the most direct and fulfilling route to aiding those in need. Osteopathic medicine's holistic approach to patient treatment coincides with my own personal philosophy of medicine. Doctors are encouraged to investigate beyond a patient's symptoms in a quest for other possible causes for health problems, even utilizing drug-free approaches DELETE THESE THREE WORDS---> in some circumstances. It seems obvious that medicine should have been offering alternative forms of health care other than prescription medications. My personal philosophy and moral values mesh well with those of osteopathic doctors. <--YOU HAVE ALREADY SAID THIS EALIER IN THE PARAGRAPH BUT HAVE YET TO PROVE IT I am personally compelled to be a significant part in shaping the face of medicine heading in this direction.<---TALK ABOUT SOME THINGS IN UNDERGRAD YOU HAVE DONE THAT MIGHT PROVE THAT YOU ARE WELL ON YOUR WAY TO THIS GOAL
Although a portion of my motivation to pursue medicine stems from my humanitarian beliefs and experiences with others YOU HAVE NOT TALKED ABOUT YOUR BELIEFS, SO DONT CITE THEM AS IF THE READER KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE REFFERING TO, it is not enough. For me, this counter is my love for discovery. During the summer of my sophomore year, I was able to live this desire when I was granted a research stipend for advancement in Environmental Science. Working with Dr. Peterson, we employed analytical methods to evaluate the properties of various antibiotics and estrogens in stream water and soil. The time spent in research helped me to sharpen analytical skills and creative thinking ability, traits that I continue to apply. Although it is not directly correlated, research and medicine share many similarities. Modern day physicians are presented with new intellectual challenges on a daily basis. The medical field allures me as I thrive on the feeling of successfully solving a problem. My undergraduate education has urged me to become a lifelong-learner with a thirst for knowledge that can only be satisfied by the medical field. THESE LAST FEW SENTENCES ARE VERY GOOD, DON'T CHANGE A THING
My qualities and values are ideally suited for one profession; medicine. I know that without my constant intellectual pursuit for knowledge as well as the gifts given to me by God THIS INDICATES TO ME THAT THE MORAL AND INTELLECTUAL VALUES YOU WERE REFERING TO EARLIER ARE RELIGIOUS ONES, INDICATE THAT EARLIER AND IT WILL GIVE THE READER A BETTER IDEA OF YOUR MOTIVES FOR GOING INTO MEDICINE. ALSO, YOU CAN MENTION IT AGAIN FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE IN TEH LAST PARAGRAPH TO BRING YOUR ESSAY FULL CIRCLE , I would not be where I am in life. I firmly believe that I can use these talents in a meaningful way to enrich not only my life, but also the lives of those who I come in contact with, both in and out of the workplace.

In total, your essay needs a bit of work. You need to mention more of the things you have done in undergrad that show your drive for achieving. And you need to talk more about your patient exposure and your experiences (it doesn't have to be a dramatic story, just how it touched you). Lastly, I have known a lot of pre meds that have gone into medicine because of religious ideology. Don't be embarresed to write about it, if that is what is motivating you to go into medicine. Good luck, and remember that I'm just another student and this critique is only my opinion.

 

[Kazema]

I'm not saying this to be facetious, I'm totally serious: after reading the first two sentences of your PS I stopped. Take them out and start with something that doesn't talk about how little interest you used to have in medicine or what a bad doctor you'd make, even if it's no longer true.

 

[VUMD2be]

I'm not saying this to be facetious, I'm totally serious: after reading the first two sentences of your PS I stopped. Take them out and start with something that doesn't talk about how little interest you used to have in medicine or what a bad doctor you'd make, even if it's no longer true.

I also felt this way. The first two sentances really kill what might otherwise be a good essay. Doesn't matter if they never get there, though. Seriously, I just dont think the phrase, "In fact, early in my undergraduate education, I would have made an awful physician" makes any sense at all. just my two cents, though...

 

[primadonna22274]

Actually, I LIKE the opening statement. It grabs your attention right up front. Anybody who reads it naturally wants to know "why not?" And then you keep reading. Do NOT change your opening sentence.
My humble .02.
There are other suggestions re: wording that other people have made that make sense to me.
Lisa

I also felt this way. The first two sentances really kill what might otherwise be a good essay. Doesn't matter if they never get there, though. Seriously, I just dont think the phrase, "In fact, early in my undergraduate education, I would have made an awful physician" makes any sense at all. just my two cents, though...

 

[ping1050]

Thanks for all your input everyone! I appreciate it more than you know. Here is a revised version of my PS. Feel free to rip it apart. 😉

Swinging from my arms, I could hear Dylan laughing. One would never know that this active four year old was recovering from a ventricular septal defect. Although technically a 24-hour fundraiser for DeVos Children’s Hospital, Dance Marathon also involves year long contact with the families of patients. As a team leader, I was given the privilege of listening to and learning about Dylan’s story. Interestingly enough, what struck me was not the miracle of his life. Instead, it was the gratefulness and love the family extended to the physicians for their social compassion and support. At one point, Dylan’s mother even referred to them as ‘angels’. I could finally see the power of a doctor’s impact from a family’s perspective; something my other experiences in health care never fully accomplished. Hearing Dylan’s mother speak with such faith and appreciation of the aid they had received even after so many hardships definitely impacted my soul. I could vividly see the power of God working through the care providers and in each of the Miracle Families. It was at that moment when I could feel a divine urge solidifying my decision to pursue medicine and serve humanity at a deeper level.
Medicine has certainly provided the most direct and fulfilling route to aiding those in need. Osteopathic medicine's holistic approach to patient treatment coincides with my own personal philosophy of medicine. Doctors are encouraged to investigate beyond a patient's symptoms in a quest for other possible causes for health problems, even utilizing drug-free approaches. It seems obvious that medicine should have been offering alternative forms of health care other than prescription medications. I am personally compelled to be a significant part in shaping the face of medicine heading in this direction.
Although a portion of my motivation to pursue medicine stems from my strong religious beliefs and is fueled by my experiences with others, these reasons alone are insufficient to describe my desire to join the health care profession. For me, it is a pure love for discovery. During the summer of my sophomore year, I was able to live this desire when I was granted a research stipend for advancement in Environmental Science. Working with Dr. Peterson, we employed analytical methods to evaluate the properties of various antibiotics in the water table. The time spent in research helped me to sharpen analytical skills and creative thinking ability, traits that I continue to apply. Although it is not directly correlated, research and medicine share many similarities. Physicians are presented with new intellectual challenges on a daily basis. The medical field allures me as I thrive on the feeling of successfully solving a problem. My undergraduate education has urged me to become a lifelong-learner with a thirst for knowledge that can only be satisfied by the medical field.
My qualities and values are ideally suited for one profession; medicine. I know that without my constant intellectual pursuit for knowledge as well as the gifts given to me by God, I would not be where I am in life. I firmly believe that I can use these talents in a meaningful way to enrich not only my life, but also the lives of those who I come in contact with.

 

[Kevbot]

much better

 

[VUMD2be]

much better

i agree...

 

[gotgame83]

Good responses, i know who im PMing(kevbot) when i need someone to read mine lol

 

[ping1050]

Good responses, i know who im PMing(kevbot) when i need someone to read mine lol

Yeah no kidding. Although it hurts a little bit having the PS torn apart, its all for the best. And kevbot, i do like to think of myself as a superhero 😀
Thanks again guys.

 

[Kazema]

Yeah no kidding. Although it hurts a little bit having the PS torn apart, its all for the best. And kevbot, i do like to think of myself as a superhero 😀
Thanks again guys.

Yeah, the best criticism can hurt sometimes, but you've turned your PS into something very good 🙂. Good luck .

 

[jules0328]

would somebody be willing to read my personal statement? Let me know. PM me. Thanks.

 

[LT2]

hi-

i think you've done very well with your second essay, however, i do have a comment that may or may not be relevant...

"Doctors are encouraged to investigate beyond a patient's symptoms in a quest for other possible causes for health problems, even utilizing drug-free approaches. It seems obvious that medicine should have been offering alternative forms of health care other than prescription medications."

this sentence is very "lecture-y". i've been told to stay away from anything that sounds like you're telling an adcom what medicine is, what doctors do and why it's good, as they already know this, they don't need a pre-med telling them. you can change the wording to how you realized that this is what medicine is about, and i think it'll sound better. remember, show, don't tell (like you did in your opening paragraph!)

just my 0.02...

good luck!

 

[blessed1]

I really like this version. Much more positive and it keeps my attention. 🙂

Blessed1

Thanks for all your input everyone! I appreciate it more than you know. Here is a revised version of my PS. Feel free to rip it apart. 😉

Swinging from my arms, I could hear Dylan laughing. One would never know that this active four year old was recovering from a ventricular septal defect. Although technically a 24-hour fundraiser for DeVos Children’s Hospital, Dance Marathon also involves year long contact with the families of patients. As a team leader, I was given the privilege of listening to and learning about Dylan’s story. Interestingly enough, what struck me was not the miracle of his life. Instead, it was the gratefulness and love the family extended to the physicians for their social compassion and support. At one point, Dylan’s mother even referred to them as ‘angels’. I could finally see the power of a doctor’s impact from a family’s perspective; something my other experiences in health care never fully accomplished. Hearing Dylan’s mother speak with such faith and appreciation of the aid they had received even after so many hardships definitely impacted my soul. I could vividly see the power of God working through the care providers and in each of the Miracle Families. It was at that moment when I could feel a divine urge solidifying my decision to pursue medicine and serve humanity at a deeper level.
Medicine has certainly provided the most direct and fulfilling route to aiding those in need. Osteopathic medicine's holistic approach to patient treatment coincides with my own personal philosophy of medicine. Doctors are encouraged to investigate beyond a patient's symptoms in a quest for other possible causes for health problems, even utilizing drug-free approaches. It seems obvious that medicine should have been offering alternative forms of health care other than prescription medications. I am personally compelled to be a significant part in shaping the face of medicine heading in this direction.
Although a portion of my motivation to pursue medicine stems from my strong religious beliefs and is fueled by my experiences with others, these reasons alone are insufficient to describe my desire to join the health care profession. For me, it is a pure love for discovery. During the summer of my sophomore year, I was able to live this desire when I was granted a research stipend for advancement in Environmental Science. Working with Dr. Peterson, we employed analytical methods to evaluate the properties of various antibiotics in the water table. The time spent in research helped me to sharpen analytical skills and creative thinking ability, traits that I continue to apply. Although it is not directly correlated, research and medicine share many similarities. Physicians are presented with new intellectual challenges on a daily basis. The medical field allures me as I thrive on the feeling of successfully solving a problem. My undergraduate education has urged me to become a lifelong-learner with a thirst for knowledge that can only be satisfied by the medical field.
My qualities and values are ideally suited for one profession; medicine. I know that without my constant intellectual pursuit for knowledge as well as the gifts given to me by God, I would not be where I am in life. I firmly believe that I can use these talents in a meaningful way to enrich not only my life, but also the lives of those who I come in contact with.

 

[blessed1]

LT2, I totally agree with your statement. I was actually told this by a very reputable source. Stay away from your ideas of what a physician is or what you think a physician does or should do.

Blessed1

hi-

i think you've done very well with your second essay, however, i do have a comment that may or may not be relevant...

"Doctors are encouraged to investigate beyond a patient's symptoms in a quest for other possible causes for health problems, even utilizing drug-free approaches. It seems obvious that medicine should have been offering alternative forms of health care other than prescription medications."

this sentence is very "lecture-y". i've been told to stay away from anything that sounds like you're telling an adcom what medicine is, what doctors do and why it's good, as they already know this, they don't need a pre-med telling them. you can change the wording to how you realized that this is what medicine is about, and i think it'll sound better. remember, show, don't tell (like you did in your opening paragraph!)

just my 0.02...

good luck!

 

[ping1050]

hi-

i think you've done very well with your second essay, however, i do have a comment that may or may not be relevant...

"Doctors are encouraged to investigate beyond a patient's symptoms in a quest for other possible causes for health problems, even utilizing drug-free approaches. It seems obvious that medicine should have been offering alternative forms of health care other than prescription medications."

this sentence is very "lecture-y". i've been told to stay away from anything that sounds like you're telling an adcom what medicine is, what doctors do and why it's good, as they already know this, they don't need a pre-med telling them. you can change the wording to how you realized that this is what medicine is about, and i think it'll sound better. remember, show, don't tell (like you did in your opening paragraph!)

good luck!

I would definitely agree with you on that. How does this sound?
Medicine has certainly provided the most direct and fulfilling route to aiding those in need. Osteopathic medicine's holistic approach to patient treatment coincides with my own personal philosophy of medicine. Through my experiences in health care, I have been able to see the power of the human body through faith and constant support. I am personally compelled to be a significant part in shaping the face of medicine heading in this direction.

My only difficulty with the paragraph is limiting my word count, as I am about 30 words too long as it stands. Thanks again everyone.

 

[C8H10N4O2Junkie]

I thing your personal statement sounds great. My only comment is that you might want to consider rewording the last sentence so that it does not end with the word "with." Maybe something to the effect of --with who/whom(?) I have come into contact. Sounds very good though. 🙂

 

[Kazema]

with who/whom I have come into contact. 🙂

.

 

[Kevbot]

One more thing. If you don't know where to start, or need examples of good essays, check out these examples. Essays 1 and 7 are particularly good.

http://www.accepted.com/medical/sampleessays.aspx

 

[LT2]

I think it sounds better, but still a bit choppy... maybe something like: My experiences in health care have furthered my desire to aid those in need while demonstrating to me the power of the human body through faith and constant support. I believe this strongly echos the osteopathic philosophy as i am personally compelled to...

just my opinion, but i think you're getting there!

 

[VUMD2be]

Swinging from my arms, I could hear Dylan laughing.

wow. I cant really believe Im saying this, but technically, I think it would be more "grammatically correct" if you changed the second half of this sentance to something more along the lines of "Dylan was laughing histerically." Or change the introductory clause. These things must agree, and right now they dont.

(ps. I hate all those damn english teachers/professors for nagging me over the years. blame them dammit!!) 😉

 

[Kazema]

wow. I cant really believe Im saying this, but technically, I think it would be more "grammatically correct" if you changed the second half of this sentance to something more along the lines of "Dylan was laughing histerically." Or change the introductory clause. These things must agree, and right now they dont.

(ps. I hate all those damn english teachers/professors for nagging me over the years. blame them dammit!!) 😉

I think the OP was the one doing the swinging. Or maybe not. In any case I guess you're right in that this should be clarified a bit.