Personal Statement

Started by Imjustheresoidontgetfined
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Imjustheresoidontgetfined

New Member
5+ Year Member
Hey everybody! I'm planning to apply MD/DO this next cycle and just finished the first draft of my personal statement. Can some of you take a look at it and give me some criticism/things I can change or improve.

Thanks for the help.
 
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I think you ended it well, but you can tighten up the first two paragraphs. Also, I would recommend reflecting upon the experiences you describe a bit more.
 
Please delete it for privacy's sake. You should have someone better with grammar take a look at it. I saw misplaced commas and non-matching things. Your experiences are well written and I enjoyed reading them. Overall, this PS was decent but perhaps give it a more unique flare. It feels like a generic decent PS which isn't a bad thing but when adcoms have to pick you out of 1000s of applicants, a good personal statement goes a long way. If you need a professional to take a look at it, PM me, I know some pretty great people.
 
I think you've been given sound advice so far.

I'd like to add that I like your statement as well! I kinda wish you tied your family into the conclusion a little more. And it also made me wonder your thoughts about your own risk of heart disease. I kinda got the impression that the issues stopped with your dad, as if it was just his and your grandpa's struggle and shared pain. I'm sure all those surgeries had you with a look of worry on your face too, right?

I could be taking this too far, but it might have moved me if one day you looked in the mirror and saw the same look of worry that you'd seen on your dad's face too many times and decided to do something about it. Or something.
 
First of all, I agree with the above posters that you should take your PS down and just PM it to people.

Second, I think you really need to go over linking clauses in sentences, especially comma and conjunction usage in compound sentences.

I also think that you've got a transitioning problem, which is most evident from the first paragraph to the second paragraph. Work on writing transition sentences at the beginning of paragraphs to link your paragraphs together in a cohesive personal statement.

Also, your first paragraph makes it sound like the heart that you looked at in high school was still beating and not full of formaldehyde with veins and arteries dyed bright colors for explanation purposes. Unless you went to a really fancy pants high school, you might want to reword that paragraph.
 
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