Personal Statment troubles

[lifeisajourney]

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[DrSmiles12]

I don't feel very convinced of your desires to be a dentist. I think you can come up with something better, WOW ME!! Do you have any personal experiences you can share? Clam and calm are 2 different things too!

 

[DentistRob]

You've got guts to stick your entire PS on here for everyone. . .

To be brutally honest, it's boring. I'm assuming this is a first draft, and that would explain why it didn't really flow all that well. There was little here that got my attention until you started telling about the story of the girl crying. I can almost guarantee that 50% of the PSs out there start with some version of "I've wanted to be a dentist ever since I was a baby." Your desire to be a dentist is a given. You've got to show the adcom that you're different in some way from the other 11,000 applicants.

You say that the reasoning behind you wanting to be a dentist has changed. . . expound on that. It's much more convinvcing if you can explain why and tell stories that relate as opposed to stating the fact.

In short, I would say to condense the part about the crying girl and the bit about what you learned, and scrap the rest. The part where you mention the dialogue between you and the dentist is awfully boring and just takes up valuable space. Again here, you're just using that spot to just state stuff you've done which can be done on the application itself. Use the PS to expound and show personality.

 

[DentistRob]

So is this a joke? What's with the other personal statement you've got on the blog entry?

 

[TeamGuo]

what's up with you keep posting your ps on here. Do it privately.

Your ps is .... hmm... focuses too much on minute details, adcoms can careless about the 2 procedures you observed, ps should focus more on you not on how your dentist made the old lady and the little girl feel awesome. This makes you sound like you only have these 2 shadowing experience, which is bad.

You need to cut down all the bull$#$ about how it made the old lady happy and the little girl is not scared of the dentist anymore. Assuming this is your first draft, I suggest you write more about yourself, how you prepared yourself for dental school, Ie. Research, academics, volunteering, community service, etc.

 

[DentistRob]

I didn't mean for you to completely get rid of your entire PS.

 

[doc toothache]

Re read, re write and re submit (preferably in a pm unless you like public spectacles).

Hey I was wondering if anyone wanted to rip apart my first draft, feel free to say whatever you want.

As far back as I can remember I have always wanted to be a dentist. While most five-year old wanted to be firefighters and police men, I on the other hand, wanted to become a dentist. Although I wanted to be a dentist, my only reason was because it seemed fun and exciting, which was probably the reason for everybody’s choice profession at five years of age. (This is the type of intro you can use when talking to your friends. Do you really think that the aspirations you had at age 5 will impress adcoms?) From that summer day in 1991 until now, I still want to be a dentist but my reasons for it have drastically changed. (reword) Dentistry is a unique profession that offers daily challenges, the ability to connect with patients, and it requires artistry. (re write intro paragraph)
Recently, (there is no need at this point to date yourself) I had the opportunity to shadow Dr. X. (Very seldom is there a reason to include a Dr. name in a ps since it is a distraction. In your case, it is starting to look more like a testimonial to Dr. X than a ps about you.). Before watching any procedures, we sat down in his office and talked to get to know one another. (Did you have a Danish with your coffee?) I was asking him questions related to his profession and he asked me what classes I had taken at Z. Ironically enough, he had Dr. C for biochemistry at Q and I had him for his first biochemistry class at Z. Furthermore, he talked about his summer research experience with Dr. C and how they were using worms that secreted some special type of protein. After that, I told (It is hard to imagine anyone other that your parents and close friends that may be interested in this.) I had summer research job with Dr. C as well, and we were working with Mule Deer Prion Proteins. I felt like Dr. X and I had connected with each other on a personal level. After talking, it was time to watch some procedures. (wow!)
The first two procedures were nothing out of the ordinary. (It is not a good idea to be negative about procedures you have witnessed.) One older woman was having some troubles with her dentures rubbing and irritating her gums and the other patient was just getting his six month check up (Is this supposed to impress?). The next patient turned out to be a little more of a challenge for Dr. X.
I walked into the room and saw a little girl sitting in the chair contently, waiting to get her cavity filled. At first she was clam (calm), but at the first sight of the needle, screams of terror echoed throughout the office and tears began dripping from her rosy cheeks. Her screams sent shivers down my spin and made me cringe. It broke my heart to see such a sweet little girl shed tears in that office. It is because of experiences like these why people dislike coming to the dentist. (negative comments)
Quick to act, Dr. X removed the needle and began talking to her. He explained to her if her small cavity wasn’t (avoid contractions) filled, it would hurt ten times more if it was not fixed. Then, in (a) clam (is it "calm" or did he offer her a "clam" like in B.C.?) manner, he asked the little girl, “Do you really want this to hurt more or do you want me to fix it?” Dr. X gave her the option of getting the cavity filled that day or some other day in the near future. Surprisingly, the tears stopped rolling off her checks and she said, “I just don’t want my tooth to hurt anymore so can you please fix it.” Dr. X continued on with the procedure and after it was completed, the little girl sat up and gave Dr. X a big hug.
Dr. X was able to connect with that little girl in the office that morning and turn a potentially horrible dental experience into a joyous one. I could tell my (by)the look in his eye(s) and the huge simile he had from ear to ear that this was a rewarding experience for him and well as (for) the little girl. This shadowing experience demonstrated why dentistry is such a unique profession. It gives the dentist the ability into interact and potentially develop life long relationships.
While the relationship (same word separated by only 2 words) aspect of dentistry in one part that interests me, the art involved with the profession the other aspect. It is fascinating watching a dentist shape the filling so the tooth will align perfectly with the other teeth. All the dentists I have shadowed love the hands on work and the perfection it requires.
I have had this dream of becoming a dentist every since I was five years old and now that I am twenty-one, my dream is starting to become a reality. (Actually, your dream won't start to become a reality at least until you are admitted to ds) Through my dental experiences, I feel dentistry would be a suitable profession for me. I am good with people and I love (a somewhat juvenile expression) working with my hands crocheting hats. When I become a dentist, I would love (use another word) to come back to Montana and practice in a rural area. I love (give this poor word a rest) that small town values and the family oriented community and how easy it is to connect with people. Becoming a dentist in a small rural Montana (try not to repeat words and expressions)town would be my childhood dream come true.

Thank you all for you help (Is this part of your ps?)