I guess you’re on the right track now, but it could use some improvements and editing. I suggest rereading and really thinking about the below suggestions form JustAUser, because you still need to dig a little deeper
For example, did you ever face struggles in researching AD since it was DIY and not part of a structured program? Did that ever make you feel discouraged? How did you feel when you received feedback about your research and/or the writing? Did/do you feel like an underdog when submitting your paper(s) to a peer-reviewed journal (again, since it’s DIY and presumably not co-authored by an established researcher in the field)? If so, what have you learned about yourself and/or your passion for learning in the process?
That's much better. In addition to what ThrowawayShmoaway said,
You can expand more on what you wrote.
What caused you to be interested in AD? Do you know someone affected by it that sparked your interest?
How did you go about doing your research? Do you have a mentor on this project? Perhaps, you found one journal and did all your readings about AD from there and then someone guided you to another article/journal? What caused you to start trying to compile all the information you read and publish it, etc.
You probably get the point. You have a lot more space in your essay so take the reader through why you're interested in AD, what caused you to do further research and write about it, how you went about researching it, the constructive criticism you've received along the way and how you've incorporated it, reflections you've had, etc.
What you're really missing right now, as others have mentioned, is the WHY. Why are you interested in AD? what drives you to research AD? It's totally okay if that answer is just "we learned about it in biology class and I thought it was interesting." Give us context for your research!
For additional context, you should talk about anything you've done related to AD outside of your personal research. Have you taken neuroscience classes? visited/volunteered at a nursing facility for patients with AD? shadowed a physician in the field? Attended a conference on the subject?
You should also talk about how your understanding of the subject has evolved over time. This does NOT mean listing out findings you've read about. Did you come into your research with a basic understanding of AD, or none at all? is the subject more complex than you first appreciated? has your research changed the way you view aging/memory/the human condition overall?
Thank you all so much for the excellent feedback!
😍 I wrote this new version in large part based on
@ThrowawayShmoaway's suggestions, since they got at aspects of the project that were very true that I hadn't already talked about in my primary. I also got in a non-redundant why statement and info about my advising situation as per
@TelemarketingEnigma and
@JustAUser. Other suggestions were also excellent, but I already talked about those topics in my primary to some extent. What do you think?
"I’ve read, written, and integrated findings and feedback from researchers about Alzheimer’s disease (AD) for >2,000 hours. This has been a challenging process because AD is infinitely complex and I didn’t do this as part of a structured program, so I had to be self-directed. To establish contact with experts, I emailed them without technically being one of their students; luckily, most graciously responded. I wrote a thesis, and then a paper, which I submitted, even though I felt like an underdog because I did not have an established co-author. Peer reviewers requested revisions. First, I felt disappointed. Then, though, I realized their feedback was helpful and used it to revise the paper. I also wrote a new paper, integrating their feedback from the beginning. For example, they suggested focusing each paper on only one question. Doing that clarified and shortened my drafts. Both the revised paper and the new one await peer review. If they are accepted, good; if not, I will continue integrating feedback and revising and improving them. Sometimes I’ve found the many setbacks I’ve encountered throughout this process discouraging, but every time, I’ve coped in a variety of ways to rejuvenate myself, and I’ve reminded myself of my hope that the ideas we’ve been working on will one day contribute to improving the prognosis or quality of life for patients with AD. That possibility has been enough to keep me learning through every obstacle."
To
@ThrowawayShmoaway's questions, the answers are pretty much all yes, definitely. Thank you.
Here are excerpts from my primary that I think cover all suggestions I didn't address here, but please tell me if you think I could go more in depth, or could provide a better answer here! I've got 8 words left, and I could probably free up more if I needed to.
@JustAUser: "What caused you to be interested in AD? Do you know someone affected by it that sparked your interest?"
@Telemarketing: "What you're really missing right now, as others have mentioned, is the WHY. Why are you interested in AD? what drives you to research AD? It's totally okay if that answer is just "we learned about it in biology class and I thought it was interesting." Give us context for your research!"
From my PS: "I became interested in the biology underlying medicine seeing my grandfather suffer from Parkinson’s, which naturally made me want to understand neurodegeneration and do something about it….When I did not get accepted into medical school, in addition to improving my application in multiple ways, I responded by making concrete progress towards the goal of addressing the suffering of patients with neurodegenerative diseases by reading papers and writing a DIY thesis about the most prevalent neurodegenerative disorder: Alzheimer’s disease."
Like I said, it's basically that I saw my grandfather losing his mind to neurodegeneration, and I said to myself, "woah, this is terrifyingly evil, I feel the need to do something about this, but I don't know how". I focused on AD when I got the chance to instead of Parkinson's disease because AD is more prevalent. It's the bigger threat. It just seemed like the place to start, even though I realize it's so complicated that I might never get further than that beginning. But it's the frontline.
@JustAUser: "How did you go about doing your research?"
This is a good question, but I don't really know how to answer it beyond I read, I wrote, and I tried to figure out this disease and how to fix it. From my activities description of this though: "As I learned more and more though, I began to connect the dots between recent mechanistic findings and decades of neuropathology and imaging results, forming novel hypotheses of increasing sophistication….It was like seeing a ghost hiding in plain sight. Due to the possible implications for patients, I pursued this idea. I attempted multiple times to write about it, but it was more complex than anything I had attempted so far. Doctors and researchers gave me pieces of the puzzle I was missing, which allowed me to finally do it."
@TelemarketingEnigma: "For additional context, you should talk about anything you've done related to AD outside of your personal research. Have you taken neuroscience classes? visited/volunteered at a nursing facility for patients with AD? shadowed a physician in the field? Attended a conference on the subject?"
I used to visit my grandfather and uncle in facilities and interact with them and the other residents, for what it's worth. My wiley anatomy and physologicaly professor (who's also my independent study adviser) taught me how to conduct an action potential. An awesome doctor gave my grandfather glutathione, slowing the progression, which I was and still am very impressed by. And I was just on a layover in LAX while the Alzheimer's Disease Conference was going on there, lol. (That's what lit the fire under me to write another paper while travelling I think, lol.)


🤣
@TelemarketingEnigma: "You should also talk about how your understanding of the subject has evolved over time. This does NOT mean listing out findings you've read about. Did you come into your research with a basic understanding of AD, or none at all? is the subject more complex than you first appreciated? has your research changed the way you view aging/memory/the human condition overall?"
Yes! From my activities description: "…In retrospect, when I started, my knowledge of human biology was primitive. As I learned more and more though, I began to connect the dots between recent mechanistic findings and decades of neuropathology and imaging results, forming novel hypotheses of increasing sophistication…."
Commentary: In retrospect, I feel like I knew essentially NOTHING about AD or human biology when I started, to be blunt lol. Now I know dramatically more--just enough to know how little I really know compared to the overall picture. But I've felt up this whole elephant pretty good by now, so I've made some progress.
🙂