Objective Straight Dentistry
Satire by "Prometheus"
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Objective Straight Dentistry (OSD) parallels the rational and philosophy of Objective Straight Chiropractic (OSC) to provide for the dental wellness of practice members. OSD is a natural fit for OSC and can easily be added to an existing OSC practice.
OSD Philosophy and Rationale -- Left to the care of the body's innate intelligence, the mouth, tongue, and teeth would be perfectly healthy. However, the moment you introduce foreign substances, like food, into the system, reactions occur that are outside the scope of control of the body's self-healing system. Particles, chemicals, bacteria and other bad stuff accumulates on the teeth, resulting in dental caries, decay, gingivitis, absesses, lesions, halitosis, and general deterioration of teeth and gums.
Logic tells us when something sticks to something else, there must be something sticky involved in the process. OSD calls the sticky stuff that allows material to accrete on tooth surfaces "subaccretions" -- the layer of material just below the accretions. It should be obvious that if you remove the subaccretions from the teeth, any foreign materials will not be able to stick.
OSD Treatment -- The purpose of OSD treatment is to Locate And Remove Dental Subaccretions (LARDS), allowing the body's innate intelligence to fully express itself as the solid, gleaming enamel we recognize as the sign of a healthy tooth. The treatment is non-therapeutic, since it is not performed in response to any symptoms or conditions. Caries, cavities, absesses, ulcerations, and the like are not the concern of the OSD practitioner since these conditions would probably not have occurred if the practice member had been under OSD care from early childhood on, in the first place. Besides, LARDS is not intended to alleviate existing adverse dental conditions, or prevent their onset. That's the job of the body's innate intelligence.
OSD Technique -- Dental subaccretions (ds) are a metaphysical concept, and cannot be detected or examined physically. However, any time you find something on a tooth, be it food or plaque or saliva film, you just know that subaccretions are involved, otherwise the stuff would not be sticking. The OSD practitioner locates and removes dental subaccretions by abrading the surface of the tooth -- top, sides, and between teeth -- with a nylon-bristle device, fibrous inter-dental access bands or strings, and a specially-formulated anti-subaccretion compound. Though these items resemble the common toothbrush, floss, and toothpaste, they are not the same, because they have special labels and come from out-of-town.
OSD Effectivity -- The effectivity of LARDS is verified directly by the practice member, who is instructed before the procedure to "run your tongue along your teeth to feel that unhealthy coating". After the procedure the practice member is instructed to "run your tongue along your teeth to feel the healthy smoothness." 100% of all OSD practice members report immediate improvement after treatment.
OSD Frequency of Care -- Daily LARDS is best, with three times a week the minimum sustainable frequency to maintain dental wellness. Non-compliant or self-care practice members should be warned of the danger, and required to sign a release.
OSD Self-care -- Uneducated patient members may come up with the idea that they can do their own LARDS. To educate members, and forestall such revisionist thinking, use the Disclosure Demo. Get some dental plaque disclosing tablets from a local dental supply house. Have the practice member first brush his or her teeth, then chew one of the tablets before LARDS. There will be ugly, frightening red stains all over the member's teeth and nouth. This is the standard result of chewing a disclosure tablet. Now perform LARDS on the member, and show the unsubaccreted mouth in a mirror. All the red will be gone. Now say, "Now what do you think? You can see the difference yourself!" Do not allow the member near any disclosure tablets after LARDS for the remainder of the session.
OSD Training -- This note, plus ten minutes of practice brushing your own teeth, is all the training you need to become an OSD.
OSD Marketing -- Make the point that frequent subaccretion removal is as important for your health and well-being as getting frequent spinal analysis and adjustment.
OSD Licensing Legalities -- If anyone objects to the term "Objective Straight Dentistry", rename your practice "Objective Straight Tooth Wellness". To make sure no one can accuse you of practicing dentistry without a license, do not use the term "dentistry" in any of your literature or ads. Insist that you are only locating and removing dental subaccretions. If anyone challenges the metaphysical concept of subaccretions, point out that metaphysical concepts cannot be examined and measured physically, and that you will therefore not play the "scientific evidence" game since it is irrelevant to LARDS.
© 2004 Prometheus
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